• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

How do you advocate for yourself?

Mia said:
Began doing it when I was child. Imagine a skinny, pale, painfully shy girl who no one would listen to. Bullied relentlessly by an older sibling, then as a target of other neighborhood kids. My father began to teach me to box, as he had learned to box after being bullied himself (I think). I returned home one day with a black eye, and he began to show me how to defend myself.

Don't know if at the time it helped my sense of self-esteem. But it made me feel stronger, more capable. I was still after all only about sixty pounds at the time.

Eventually used those skills, to defend my younger sister, who was semi-verbal. Began also defending animals early on. Stopping people from hurting pets or wildlife.

As I grew older, went to school and worked I did things that gave me confidence. Taekwondo, dance classes, choir, sports, that I excelled at. In retrospect they gave me confidence, the ability to know that I could do things well. Then I met my spouse, and I learned a lot from him about strength. Also taught him a lot, about his true value as an individual.

Both of us practiced self-esteem. There was time, where that's all we worked on. When he was promoted to a managerial position, he was known as the 'nice guy.' For months he and I practiced saying no to just about everything. Then he implemented it, he in his job and I in mine. It sounds simple, but it's not. It requires practice.

It became less about people liking us, and more about what we may have wanted or was beneficial to the job at the time. There were still manipulations on the part of others, and at times I compromised as he did. Yet only enough, to slightly placate others, to be polite but firm and achieve harmony. Sometimes it didn't work, but much of the time it did. There are unknown factors, that can't be accounted for in come situations. We both learned to fix mistakes and take responsibility, without too much loss of face.

I wish Bella Pines was still here. Her response would be extremely helpful.
Click to expand...
Soooo...Mia's a boxer! Taekwondo!
Outstanding. The calm confidence they instill is difficult to describe, no?

I miss Bella, too.
 
sidd851 said:
First: Awesome thread that I've wanted to start--- you beat me to it.

Second: I'm having some dumb trouble with links. There is one I wish to leave that I highly recommend. Later.

I, also, have had a very real fear of conflict and confrontation, in my life.
I've been unwilling to post about it, because at present, I am still learning about it.

Specifically, how a lack of healthy boundaries attracts predators and predation.
I have always seemed to attract every narcissist, socio- and psychopath for miles around. My kindness seems to be that which, also, even precipitates such behavior in others.
As it turns out, having the predisposition for being too nice, giving, forgiving, logical, draws those with the predisposition for being unkind, greedy, ruthless, opportunist, un-empathetic, and untruthful.

I become a resource.

I don't need to illustrate here, the accompanying misery to being in a predator/prey relationship, of whatever kind.

Having healthy boundaries, and understanding both them, and the need for them, can be empowering and protective.

At present, I am exploring integrating healthy boundaries with the kind of person I wish to be.

My instinct has always been to be giving, of myself, and the benefit of the doubt, in an effort to avoid accusation of... anything.
To be the kind of person that I should desire to be. Kind, giving, understanding, helpful, charitable. In every venture.
The only way to escape suspicion is to be above it. Even that isn't failsafe, as sometimes attacks are mis-placed, or subterfuge.

As a result, I seem to have hobbled myself with what would appear to be... ingratiating behavior.
Despite the resemblance, I am able to recognize it for what it is--- the active effort to avoid confrontation.

If every interaction with me is agreeable, I think to myself, then there will never be conflict.
Fallacy #1.
Those that take advantage never stop pushing the boundary(swidt?) of what they can get, take.
By the time you recognize "gaslighting", it's too late, you've gotten gotten.

And so, the pdf that I attempt to link below was forwarded me by a concerned friend, that recognized some unhealthy boundaries in me, or where I was lacking in healthy ones.

I continue to read it, regularly, and examine my own behavior as viewed through this new filter.
Humbling as it may be, I realize that I have unhealthy, and sometimes, almost non-existent boundaries.

I am finding new power, and control, through understanding how I allow, almost encourage, my own strife, at times.

If this post rambles, it is because my own thoughts on this newly come to awareness information are not yet quite as well formed as I would like, but, again, I'm learning.

I find myself reading it regularly--- it is not easy, and somewhat counterintuitive, to recognize some of these traits in oneself.

http://www.recoveryeducationnetwork.org/uploads/9/6/6/3/96633012/boundary_setting_tips__1_.pdf
Click to expand...

I could have written that.

A similar curve,for me.

You saved me a lot of trouble. That would have taken ages :)
 
sidd851 said:
Soooo...Mia's a boxer! Taekwondo!
Outstanding. The calm confidence they instill is difficult to describe, no?
I miss Bella, too.
Click to expand...

Used to be, boxing workouts are pretty intensive. Stopped doing them about ten years ago, after my hands became quite painful, it took about three years for my hands to heal. Still do taekwondo, years ago I achieved shodan. That's as far as I got, still do the hyeong though, but not with the same intensity. Think I like it, as all the parameters are known, you kick or punch or block in a proscribed way, and it seems quite logical in the way you use your body to it's fullest extent. It's smart, martial arts make sense.
 
Last edited:
At this point of my life I stick up for myself . However, it has not always been that way. In the last 25 or 30 years, as I get older, I do not get taken advantage of anymore. Before that, trusted everybody and got cheated a lot. I was OK if I stuck to my work and my family, but outside of that I was always some body's mark. Now days I look at everybody suspiciously and if I do not know them, I do not trust them.
 
Mia said:
It's smart, martial arts make sense.
Click to expand...

I’d certainly agree.

A more controlled focus.
A discipline to help remain calmer.

Less likely to lash out and scrap like an alley-cat because it may be unlikely the ‘fight’ response will be triggered if all we’re doing is defending ourselves.
(In a disciplined way)
 
How do you advocate for yourself? How do you get started?

Questions I just can't answer because I can't remember a time where I didn't have to fight for myself. The you-know-what hits the fan and you either heave to or go under.
Complacency is the enemy of innovation, imagination and security. The only way to stay safe is to keep evolving.
 
If I didn't stand up for myself, I might be wasting away in the hospital or even jail instead of being properly diagnosed and living on my own in an apartment. Of course, what I went through just to get those things was a complete nightmare that I'd thought I'd never wake from, but that's behind me now.

In the past, when I had tried to reason with someone by being friendly and polite, or stern but calm, it rarely worked because the person would be anything but reasonable. So then I would resort to trying to shock them. Then it would be three strikes you're out, and then the genius would continue to harass me until I suffered a meltdown, which they would find hysterically funny. And when there's no one else able to defend you and the police are useless, it feels even worse. But like I said, I wouldn't be where I am if I never stood up for myself at all.
 
I also avoid confrontation at all cost. I will get along, most people would see me as the easiest to get along with person they know because I mostly smile and keep any anger inside. But there have been times that I've blown. And when you mess with my kids I'd become like a mamma bear. And I could defend myself verbally when and if I wanted to or felt the need. I can remember yelling at teachers who falsely accused me of something and I know several times I blew up with my boss - but she was hard not to blow up at. I'd get furious at her when I'd be so busy with patients that I was literally running from one to the next and trying to get everything done, which probably should have been impossible to do in one shift. My boss would pass by asking if I was okay and then later try to say she was asking if I needed help and I'd tell her she didn't ask if I needed help because she wasn't willing to help and we both knew it. Maybe it was my honesty that kept me in trouble.
 
clg114 said:
At this point of my life I stick up for myself . However, it has not always been that way. In the last 25 or 30 years, as I get older, I do not get taken advantage of anymore. Before that, trusted everybody and got cheated a lot. I was OK if I stuck to my work and my family, but outside of that I was always some body's mark. Now days I look at everybody suspiciously and if I do not know them, I do not trust them.
Click to expand...
I only chose "Like" as they have no "Wise" in the choices.
 
sidd851 said:
If this post rambles, it is because my own thoughts on this newly come to awareness information are not yet quite as well formed as I would like, but, again, I'm learning.
Click to expand...

I asked for your thoughts, and you provided them. Rambling is appreciated.

Boundaries is a great idea. I definitely need to put some time and effort into the boundaries thing. That would keep me from letting things get to the point of overloading.
 
213432_largest_collection_of_refrigerator_magnets_Louise_Greenfarb.jpg

I’m completely passive, a doormat until I explode with yelling and bad words. Never got fired, but almost a few times.
The above picture is of the world’s largest fridge magnet collection.
 
Confrontation and conflict are not easy for me either. I try to always use reason to govern my stance on anything, but reason must be something very subjective across the universe because conflict exists in many corners of our existence.

"Turn the other cheek" was taught to me as a child by nuns. The message somehow got etched in marble, then dipped in bronze. I can't escape it. I learned to take pride in being non-violent, but it comes at a big price. It has made me vulnerable to abuse of all kinds. I've adapted, as we all do, claiming that I am not responsible for the bad behavior of others. This is how I truly feel, but it has no impact on my ability to defend myself. I refuse to see choices unmade in my past as regrets, but I wish I had taken steps to develop a hard shell and a few thorns.

Whenever I have had to fight, argue, or push an issue and I am met with extreme resistance, I could become physically distressed. On few occasions, I have acted out with yelling, a useless, but natural response to intense conflict. I find it emotionally unhealthy, so I have had to recognize a back-up plan. That is to let it go. The existence of conflict alone can easily cause me to become somber and quiet. The anger or frustration I am carrying must be allowed to drift away. Whatever kind of chemical spill that got released into my bloodstream from the conflict leaves me with extreme uneasiness and anxiety. Over time, you learn to avoid conflict at all costs. It's like a self-imposed behavior modification. This too is unhealthy.

This inability to face confrontation with emotional success troubles me a lot. I believe my lack of an offensive strategy is partly to blame. Conflict can be managed if both parties want peace. Fighting fire with fire doesn't always seem to be effective, but it works on occasion. Trading insult for insult means that you are fighting back, but to what end?

There is an expression: Tolerance gives license. By allowing someone to step over a line, you send a signal that you are accepting of their offense. When this infringement continues too far, conflict naturally arises. The anger that has accumulated rears it's ugly head in an outburst. Avoiding these outbursts is one of the strategies one needs to develop. It's like the expression "Nip it in the bud". It's hard to do, especially if you don't like any form of offensive behavior or challenging conflict.

There is nothing wrong with addressing conflicts if the approach is non-threatening. It's a skill I have witnessed many times, used primarily by supervisors and HR personnel. You have to approach a person with a calm, determined demeanor, and qualify your reason for speaking to them with a positive outcome/goal. I think this method takes practice, but the basic principle applies to all forms of dealing with corrective behavior. I am not skilled in this approach, but I know of its effectiveness.

Frustration is a common emotional feeling among autistics at any point on the spectrum. I think we accept it as normal, so it keep us away from learning about conflict resolution. We never deal with it. Add abuse, no support, and a passive demeanor and you are really stomped on. Defense is a skill we have to learn. Each case is different, as is each outcome. I wrote recently on one of the forum posts about a recurring nightmare I was having. When I fought back, I made the nightmares disappear.
 
I left a extremely abusive marriage, and have clawed my way back up the boundary hill, restating, restarting, and remembering out to stand up for myself and finally composure in doing so. It was a huge struggle.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

New Threads

Top Bottom