How do you all cope with the feeling you’ll never feel belonging in this world?

[Outdated]

Nokia brick phones, a simpler time. Wasn't till I was 17 that I even got one of them!

I was in my early 40s when I took that picture, 2007. Even then not all that many people had a phone, I didn't. The older bloke with the beard was my next door neighbour and that was on the front veranda of the units I lived in, the other two were also good mates.

Quite often we'd all end up having a few drinks together after work or on weekends. Can you imagine what would happen there if an equivalent of today's internet trolls tried to stick his nose in and start arguments?

That sort of thing did happen from time to time but it was very rare and there were never any repeat offenders.

And by the way, that's not a Brick phone. The term Brick came from very early phones that were connected to a large battery pack that you had to carry around with it.

 

[FilterFreq]

I felt that way when I was 18, admittedly. I was extremely hard on myself for not crossing certain milestones. In fact, there are a few I never crossed, and some that I crossed unexpectedly and only realized the magnitude of when I looked back on them and said, "Wow, I finally did that thing I never thought I'd get a chance to do".

We all have interesting expectations for our time here on earth, but it's chaos. Of course we have some say in what happens within that chaos (some more and some less), but you've very likely got many years to do the things you want to do while you're here.

But, we do not have to conform to the expectations of others, unless it benefits us in some way. Measuring myself against fellow neurotypicals was my biggest mistake, even though I didn't know I had ASD well into adulthood. But comparing ourselves to others is the quickest way to suffer, and to neglect our individuality.

 

[FilterFreq]

This world owes me nothing I course, but I do wish I had someone to wake up to (friends, partner, whatever, someone lol).

It sounds like you have a winning attitude, too. Every person on the planet (well, sans a few natural loners) has felt the same way at some point or another. It truly means you're human, and probably not a psychopath. That alone is something that binds all of us mortals, among other things.

Turns out, you're not alone in feeling alone. If that makes any sense

 

[thejuice]

It's difficult to relate how things were for me in comparison to you because I lived in a different era, a different world.

We didn't have computers and phones were firmly attached to walls. For entertainment we went to the pub to meet people and play 8 ball. Or we played sport. The only hobby of interest for men was the internal combustion engine, cars boats and bikes. A lot of people simply didn't have a phone back then, especially if they were renting a flat, so if you wanted to catch up to someone you went and knocked on their door.

I had two regular friends that I hung around a lot during my teen years and in to my early 20s plus there were many others that joined us from time to time. On weekends we were always doing something, let's go surfing, let's go camping and fishing up the river, let's nip over to Melbourne and go skiing. And during the week it was common to go over someone's place for the evening to drink coffee and play card games.

That pattern never changed for me, if I want to socialise it's with real people in real life, I don't do phone calls and chat. I think if social media had existed when I was young I would not have been forced to become as social as I was, and I don't think that's a good thing. In a way it was a kind of forced behavioural therapy.

I also learnt early on that there was a big difference between different types of loneliness and that I didn't suffer from needing to be around people all the time but I did want a partner. That never really worked out but I had a lot of fun trying. As we get older our perspectives change, by the time I was 40 I no longer wanted a partner but I still had a healthy sex drive, the thought of a woman wanting to live with me was terrifying though.

I never developed an online presence, the whole concept of social media seems perverse to me. If I feel like socialising I go to a pub and talk to people, I don't know any of them and that's a good thing because for me shallow relationships are easier to deal with. I talk and joke with a few people while having a couple of drinks and when I've had enough I go home again knowing that I'm unlikely to ever meet any of them again, I like it like that.

View attachment 137317

Looks like the Poker nights that i went to around the same time, beers and roll ups everywhere! We'd play a bit of music and computer games too. Although usually too cold and dark here to sit outside!!

 

[NB79]

My cope to not get too bitter (some heavy crap happened to me apart from autism) is to dream and have hope with God, and also 'escapism' like youtube or specially games where i can escape to nicer things and inspire me.

 

[SusanLR]

Instead of feeling I was on the outside looking in, I was on the inside looking out.
I created my own world. I mean I didn't feel lonely because I filled my life and time with things that I enjoyed. And had a good relationship with my parents.

As a child, I learned to make my own fun with what I had around me. Pets, books,
board games played with my mom, imagination and curiosity filled my days.
I was never bored. Certain tv shows filled part of my time also.
School was just something that I knew I had to do. Can't say there was much I found interesting except science and arts, but it all came easy.

College and University was interesting as I took the subject matters that I was attracted to.
Then when it was time to find employment, most of the time I made a mix of different jobs which kept things interesting. There was one decade of wholesale pharmaceuticals, but again, I was able to work various positions. From pharmacist to delivery driver. Not just one place all day.

Hobbies and weekends at the beach filled spare time.
I did finally start dating in my twenties which gave me some outside contact.
Never serious though. Not looking for marriage or a partner to live with.

Only now that I am retired, disabled and much older, do I feel alone in the world.
I have a house partner, but I don't feel that connection I crave. I'm in my bubble alone. No socializing or activities I can truly enjoy.

But I wrote all of this to show how you can fill your life with many varied things and not feel lacking. Hope you find much to do that you like well enough to fill the void.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I suppose this is touching on my previous post, just wondering how you all cope with that feeling. Just so many milestones I really wish I hit, just really miss having a sense of belonging. I feel lonely with people, lonely without them, but they were nice to have despite how empty my previous connections were. I can’t help but want to belong to SOMETHING y’know? I dunno, they’re just not many of us I guess, and a lot of us here are also very closed off, myself included, so it’s quite hard for us establishing that circle. Of course I know me being young makes these feelings amplified, but still, just lack that sense of purpose, something to wake up to, just monotonous emptiness over and over. This world owes me nothing I course, but I do wish I had someone to wake up to (friends, partner, whatever, someone lol).

Thank you for taking time to read this, whoever you are.

Being one of the older adults here, and some other older adults can attest to, it takes a long time to accept the realities of being on the autism spectrum. You try, and try, and try again, only to be disappointed, hurt, confused, frustrated, and even angry. At some point, you just get tired of it and, for better or worse, just give up trying and move on. You develop a life that doesn't revolve around other people.

 

[Xinyta]

I suppose this is touching on my previous post, just wondering how you all cope with that feeling. Just so many milestones I really wish I hit, just really miss having a sense of belonging. I feel lonely with people, lonely without them, but they were nice to have despite how empty my previous connections were. I can’t help but want to belong to SOMETHING y’know? I dunno, they’re just not many of us I guess, and a lot of us here are also very closed off, myself included, so it’s quite hard for us establishing that circle. Of course I know me being young makes these feelings amplified, but still, just lack that sense of purpose, something to wake up to, just monotonous emptiness over and over. This world owes me nothing I course, but I do wish I had someone to wake up to (friends, partner, whatever, someone lol).

Thank you for taking time to read this, whoever you are.

I am navigating this myself. Though added additional problems in my mental state, do obscure things.

Though one of the things I found is that, socail interaction isn't the the big bad boogeyman we make it out to be. There will be difficulties, of course.

Though I would like to preface this from my own mentality too. I have hang ups involving my own parents. Mother issues. A desire for control. And trust issues. These things feed a, now, monster of a problem in my mentality. That I am alone. That everyone hates me. That I am destined to die alone. I never have properly admitted it to myself and I am struggling even now to overcome it.

I have victum mentality. At least in regards how I perceive how my life was and still supposedly is.

For me. Socail interaction puts me into panic. Hard panic. Doing tasks I don't understand or fully perceive the scope of, make me panic. The moment I have self-doubt, I panic.

When I feel I don't have control of everything, I panic.

A lack of trust in myself and others. That's what it boils down to. I have a hard time trusting myself to make the right decisions. And I have a hard time trusting others to not treat me like my stepmother did. I expect failure. I expect beratement. Even if it's only in my head. It's enough to drive me off the edge into panic.

But the truth is. None of it is real. Not anymore.

The past is in the past. The present, is what we do now. The future is not preordained.

Either we bury our dead, or the dead bury us.

 

[Chimorin]

I am navigating this myself. Though added additional problems in my mental state, do obscure things.

Though one of the things I found is that, socail interaction isn't the the big bad boogeyman we make it out to be. There will be difficulties, of course.

Though I would like to preface this from my own mentality too. I have hang ups involving my own parents. Mother issues. A desire for control. And trust issues. These things feed a, now, monster of a problem in my mentality. That I am alone. That everyone hates me. That I am destined to die alone. I never have properly admitted it to myself and I am struggling even now to overcome it.

I have victum mentality. At least in regards how I perceive how my life was and still supposedly is.

For me. Socail interaction puts me into panic. Hard panic. Doing tasks I don't understand or fully perceive the scope of, make me panic. The moment I have self-doubt, I panic.

When I feel I don't have control of everything, I panic.

A lack of trust in myself and others. That's what it boils down to. I have a hard time trusting myself to make the right decisions. And I have a hard time trusting others to not treat me like my stepmother did. I expect failure. I expect beratement. Even if it's only in my head. It's enough to drive me off the edge into panic.

But the truth is. None of it is real. Not anymore.

The past is in the past. The present, is what we do now. The future is not preordained.

Either we bury our dead, or the dead bury us.

I really relate to you on this. I do feel our social aversion is often exacerbated by either our experiences or how we perceive things, I tend to avoid people out of survival. It’s not nice though of course, I definitely want to get out of this rut and somehow actually find decent people in the real world too, rotting on the internet can only get me so far after all, it’s just that there’s so little of us and have our own issues in the process, just really sucks. I always tried to control everything too (both for good and bad reasons), but it just stressed me out to the point I couldn’t take it anymore, we have enough on our plate. Burning out definitely helped me with letting things go and taking things for how they are no matter how brutal, life works on its own wavelength and will through its own hurdles at you, I find it best to try jump over them regardless of how little energy I have or lack of will to keep jumping over them, for as long as I’m alive it’s an inevitability I can’t ever avoid.

 

[Xinyta]

I really relate to you on this. I do feel our social aversion is often exacerbated by either our experiences or how we perceive things, I tend to avoid people out of survival. It’s not nice though of course, I definitely want to get out of this rut and somehow actually find decent people in the real world too, rotting on the internet can only get me so far after all, it’s just that there’s so little of us and have our own issues in the process, just really sucks. I always tried to control everything too (both for good and bad reasons), but it just stressed me out to the point I couldn’t take it anymore, we have enough on our plate. Burning out definitely helped me with letting things go and taking things for how they are no matter how brutal, life works on its own wavelength and will through its own hurdles at you, I find it best to try jump over them regardless of how little energy I have or lack of will to keep jumping over them, for as long as I’m alive it’s an inevitability I can’t ever avoid.

You definitely have a much better outlook than me on this.

Not to say that I haven't found positivity. It just my own sure footed ground is shaky. But this comes from the fact that I don't think I've reached the same point you have. Or maybe I passed the point of burning out, and have refused to perceive it in my childish naivety.

Though I am starting to gather that my own self-doubt and lack of trust are what I need to slay. If I want to stop feeding the lies that drive my endless rumination.

Truthfully. I think others here have put it better than I ever could. It boils down to realizing what is more important to you. Your wellbeing or the comfort of company, at the risk of further torment. Other people are not at the same priority, when it come to your personal life. Not to say, having friends and loved ones isn't important. But they are a secondary focus to loving yourself.

 

[Chimorin]

I get you. Let’s just say in my case (to keep it short) I hit rock bottom and I tried to do some foolish things to myself which thankfully failed, at that point I grew tired of being stuck in the same cycle of rumination and constantly catastrophising in my own head, thus I’m hell bent on getting out of this rut I’m in. I’m not going to let my brain rob me of my quality of life. Sure I got played a bad hand in life, but it doesn’t stop me from playing my deck. Death is inevitable, I’m going to at least try to create some good memories to think of when I’m really old and don’t remember much, in other words go out without little regrets and die trying in life. The desperation which drove me to find permanent solutions to temporary problems (you know, you know) is now the same thing I’m using to get out of the standing in life which I’m not happy with.

 

[Shamar]

I suppose this is touching on my previous post, just wondering how you all cope with that feeling. Just so many milestones I really wish I hit, just really miss having a sense of belonging. I feel lonely with people, lonely without them, but they were nice to have despite how empty my previous connections were. I can’t help but want to belong to SOMETHING y’know? I dunno, they’re just not many of us I guess, and a lot of us here are also very closed off, myself included, so it’s quite hard for us establishing that circle. Of course I know me being young makes these feelings amplified, but still, just lack that sense of purpose, something to wake up to, just monotonous emptiness over and over. This world owes me nothing I course, but I do wish I had someone to wake up to (friends, partner, whatever, someone lol).

Thank you for taking time to read this, whoever you are.

From my perspective, recognize that you will never fit in, and go from there. I only recognized this reality after I was diagnosed, after 60 years of trying to fit in (and failing miserably). One I knew WHY I could not fit in, I could begin to deal with it. Now, I try to be me, and live to my standards, not the expectations of other people and society. Yes, it is lonely, and painful, but it is less pain than living my life according to the standards of others, and less painful than trying to live a life that is not me.

 

[Jonn]

From my perspective, recognize that you will never fit in, and go from there. I only recognized this reality after I was diagnosed, after 60 years of trying to fit in (and failing miserably). One I knew WHY I could not fit in, I could begin to deal with it. Now, I try to be me, and live to my standards, not the expectations of other people and society. Yes, it is lonely, and painful, but it is less pain than living my life according to the standards of others, and less painful than trying to live a life that is not me.

Well, I don't have have a real-life group of friends that I regularly hang out with, but I have found a peer group online.
That seems to be enough for me.

"To each their own." <shrug>

 

[Jonn]

But, we do not have to conform to the expectations of others, unless it benefits us in some way. Measuring myself against fellow neurotypicals was my biggest mistake, even though I didn't know I had ASD well into adulthood. But comparing ourselves to others is the quickest way to suffer, and to neglect our individuality.

Total agreement.

I consider developing an internal locus of identity is the way to go.
I'd rather be the dog than the tail.

 

[Chimorin]

From my perspective, recognize that you will never fit in, and go from there. I only recognized this reality after I was diagnosed, after 60 years of trying to fit in (and failing miserably). One I knew WHY I could not fit in, I could begin to deal with it. Now, I try to be me, and live to my standards, not the expectations of other people and society. Yes, it is lonely, and painful, but it is less pain than living my life according to the standards of others, and less painful than trying to live a life that is not me.

You have my respect on that, good for you. I need to try to forge my own path too, going by society’s standards has done me no good. I need to forge my own path but I have no problem where to start, just lost really.

 

[Jonn]

You have my respect on that, good for you. I need to try to forge my own path too, going by society’s standards has done me no good. I need to forge my own path but I have no problem where to start, just lost really.

"There are many paths to the mountain", of enlightenment, grasshopper.

 

[Jonn]

My cope to not get too bitter (some heavy crap happened to me apart from autism) is to dream and have hope with God, and also 'escapism' like youtube or specially games where i can escape to nicer things and inspire me.

I'm too busy to get lonely.
It is the growing season over here in Australia and I have to keep on top of it.
Then there is the news to keep up with.
But most demanding of all, are my K9 kids.

 

[Misty Avich]

If alcohol and drugs didn't exist, I'd belong quite snugly in this world. But as soon as people start talking about the last time they got drunk or the last time they done the spliff, I suddenly feel isolated and become the least exciting person in the room. Being teetotal can be a lonely place.

 

[Jonn]

Being one of the older adults here, and some other older adults can attest to, it takes a long time to accept the realities of being on the autism spectrum. You try, and try, and try again, only to be disappointed, hurt, confused, frustrated, and even angry. At some point, you just get tired of it and, for better or worse, just give up trying and move on. You develop a life that doesn't revolve around other people.

Move over, boomer.
You may be smarter, wiser, and more handsome than me, but I am older.

Unlike Susan, I am one of the usual/typical "on the outside looking in" autistic guys.
I gave up trying to fit in decades ago.

Studies show that most ppl gain happiness/contentedness after 50.
We tend to come to grips with what life is REALLY all about, and the inevitable ending after "our" midlife crisis.
Not too bad, at all.

 

[Chimorin]

If alcohol and drugs didn't exist, I'd belong quite snugly in this world. But as soon as people start talking about the last time they got drunk or the last time they done the spliff, I suddenly feel isolated and become the least exciting person in the room. Being teetotal can be a lonely place.

I feel you on that. Your not missing out on it though, trust me. I know this might be too much but my old IRL friend group consisted of drug addicts who I had to constantly bail out of their problems, drug related and other issues. I was never interested in partaking in it (and never will), but what really pushed me hard against drugs and alcohol of any kind was when my friend sadly took his own life by hanging and overdose. I knew him for 10 years at that point and we were both only 14 at the time. He wasn’t the only one I knew who passed away young due to drugs, but his death was the one who hit closest to home. I really hate what that stuff can do, so much needless loss of life.