How do you convince a partner that their ASD is a big factor in relationship problems?

[tducey]

There are some unique challenges in dating an aspie but also if things get to be to much I'd def suggest counseling for you guys. No need for you to have to go through challenges that you don't have to.

 

[SolarPoweredNightOwl]

I've read both this and your previous thread. The big issues I see with the relationship, aside from the power/effort imbalance and you being at a breaking point, are 1) He doesn't seem able or willing to take responsibility and initiative, at least not to the degree needed, and 2) He seems depressed.

#2 makes fixing #1 very difficult. But #1 is essential to fixing #2, not to mention fixing the relationship, your financial straits, etc.

 

[Artemis]

First of all, thank you. I feel a debt of gratitude to all of your thoughtful replies, suggestions, and personal stories. I read each one carefully–I'm learning–and able to gain perspective from all of the comments here.

I also can appreciate that it may get frustrating to always have NT's here, in some sort of relationship despair, asking for blanket generalizations for Aspie's so that they can solve some relationship crisis. This is definitely what made me find and join this one...but, it is born from wanting to empathize with my partner. I want so badly to understand, and since I can't and since he is self-proclaimed as being on the spectrum, I thought (hoped?) that would be the missing link... Another thing I need to solve, to understand so that we can relate better and our issues will go away.

He is depressed, has been for at least 2 years now, maybe a bit longer. And @Autistamatic — your story, your comments really hit home. You are absolutely right. I'm going to think on all of that a bit more.

My main complaint is that I've felt unloved, and unappreciated—and most of all unconsidered. His depression and the fact that he's so lost on what to do for work is what is to blame here, not the ASD. Because when he was working, when he had a zest for life, we were a very in love couple, strangers would comment on how great we were together, and I was madly in love with him, his humor, his taste in music, his lovely voice, and of course his intellect. He always teaches me new things and has a wonderful sense of what is right in this world. I think I need to stop obsessing and just start trying to work with him on what we can do together to make this better.

Thank you all so much. I lead with my heart so often, and was trying to lead with my head because I felt like I was missing something. And I may still be... but this process, your comments, have helped me into a better place and I'm very grateful for that.

 

[Ylva]

My main complaint is that I've felt unloved, and unappreciated

Maybe I can help with this one. What you said there may be a bit unspecific, so maybe you could ask him for exactly what you want? Like a hug? Or whatever would make you feel loved. Start small. Tell him how it would make you feel if he'd do this one thing, and make it exactly one thing. I know it is baffling, but the intent to do two things can be hard to process, no matter how much we want to.

 

[Suzanne]

hello, please can I get some help? I am not on the spectrum but I am 99% sure my partner is and after 5 years of being together I am just realising this. We are on the verge of breaking up and I don't know how to get through to him that I love him and want us to work. I put pressure on him wanting intermacy but now I realise he cant and him giving me a "time slot" was his way of trying to give me what I needed.

Even though you love each other, from the point of view, that I am an aspie and married to an nt, unless you are able to put your emotions on hold, it is a dangerous step to take.

It was clearly obvious that my husband and I were not compatable to begin with and yet, ignoring the signs, due to desperation, we got married and now, have to live with the consequences.

So, even though you love him, in the end, you have to face reality, that love is not the be all and end all of it.

He may suffer from asexuality, which makes it very hard to feel emotions.

Be kind to each other and part ways.

 

[Suzanne]

My main complaint is that I've felt unloved, and unappreciated

My husband has had to prompt me to show affection. I would be too into what I was doing and so, when he arrived home from work, he would face a wife acting like a teenager. Music up very loud, with headphones on and dancing ( I was cooking though).

I had to learn that he would like a kiss and a cuddle and so, that is what happens now.

He likes to be touched and to be honest, touch is rather replentant to me and so, when he reminds me, I do try to touch him more, but sadly, I forget ( seems strange to forget, but it is not a priority).

 

[Suzanne]

His depression

I find this word thrown around rather a lot and even my therapist insists that I am depressed, so I looked it up and in fact, I only ever was depressed when on prozac.

If your man lacks motivation. If he has no desire to function. It is an effort to be happy, even on a bright day, then yes, he has depression.

Did you know that there are two types of depression? Clinical and social. Social is to do with the environment and thus, once that is solved, depression eases up.

My therapist has by passed that I have anxiety not depression.

 

[Artemis]

Maybe I can help with this one. What you said there may be a bit unspecific, so maybe you could ask him for exactly what you want? Like a hug? Or whatever would make you feel loved. Start small.

I appreciate this, but sheesh it's so much more complicated than that. I have been working to support him and now our family of three for 3 years now. He has had some work in that time, but not much at all, and I was pregnant and had a baby in that time. What would make me feel loved and cared for? Taking financial responsibility, not just for him — but, for us. How do I "start small" when that is it? When I've tried to ask for this in the past, and believe me I have, it only makes him more depressed (and yes, he has been deeply depressed) so I take on more and more thinking it's a phase and this is what relationships are. But, I desperately need balance and to now be here—where I am the "enemy" in his eyes—well, it hurts and I feel unloved. On our 8 year anniversary even just acknowledging it would have been something for me. But, he said we've been in a rough place so why would he celebrate it? I've been feeling like HE has been in a rough place and that I have just started to get to a breaking point, so now because I'm letting him know I can't do this much more like this he sees me as being impatient and making things harder on him when things are already hard enough.

It would be one thing if he were depressed and I did what I did to keep our family affairs in order (work, pay the bills, organize and pay for daycare for our son, schedule well-checks for our son, maintain groceries and household supplies, help with cleaning and laundry, maintain family relationships) and he appreciated it (he did actually for a little while) but at some point I don't know if it started to backfire and it actually made him start feeling worse about himself.

So one thing that would make me feel loved is just a commitment to us as a family. And yes, hugs are also nice.

 

[Artemis]

Please stop trying to find your answers in autism. Even if your partners are on the spectrum, being autistic is not a reason or excuse for being nasty or selfish.

Just one more thought on this and the title of my post....
It's not that I am trying to 'blame' the ASD but it's been only recently that I've started to look for answers there because I tried normal relating for a while and that just got me nowhere. Trying to understand the spectrum behavior helps me undertsand his perspective a bit more and can influence my behavior... but, it also has become clear that it DOES impact our communication. It's a tough thing to just ignore and say don't worry about that when it does make a difference. If he spoke only French and I spoke only English, that would be a factor probably in our ability to relate? To communicate? So, why in this case does it not matter?? Just want to push this issue again because I do feel like I am supposed to pretend it doesn't exits, while at the same time mollify situations and modify my behavior to meet his needs.

 

[Autistamatic]

Agreed it can be a communication barrier. Look up Double Empathy for a better explanation than I can give now in the last couple of minutes of my lunch break.

The point I wish to make is that learning to communicate better may help to some degree but only if he's willing to change. Autism isn't the cause of his failures but it may contribute to your difficulties talking about it, and you've already been given the best advice. Be clear, unambiguous and logical about it (even emotions have some logic to them if rational). It sounds like you've been trying that already though.

 

[All-Rounder]

I imagine it can be irritating to keep talking about something like his ASD, my boyfriend is still bothered about that but in the past it seemed as though I tried to set him aflame when id ask about it. Its not all that unusual for ppl on the spectrum, but also, you must realize its not autism, and even if it makes him different from you and even if his autism makes him seem cold and snappy, it doesn't happen to all autists.

He sounds much like my boyfriend the first year of relationship, and honestly if you're willing to stress yourself sick like I was, it can get better. Skin rashes are nothing compared to hormone changes, that is much more serious. You need to find a way to stop your stress if you're planning to stay, or you might as well kill yourself with stress.

You have to realize he is bad at showing feelings but it doesn't mean he doesn't have them. If you manage to stop engaging him in any negative way or any of his triggers and make due with the relationship issues for now it might get better but in the long run it needs to have a stable communication way. And communication with an autie can be incredibly difficult as well as hard to understand, youll also run him out of energy with the amount of questions you will need to understand it. This might be frustrating but he may stop answering at a point and its good to save the questions to have them for later. But maybe he just processes slowly and thinks an answer slowly so you have to have patience and remind him hes not answered.

 

[All-Rounder]

Propose your needs in a calm way when hes not upset with you or out of an argument. He is not a cuddler so he may not really feel about cuddles the way you feel and it might stress him out or make him tired to cuddle. My boyfriend wouldn't like cuddles, i bottled up tons of my urges and it led to frustration but now he asks for them sometimes and tolerates them and returns them unless somethings going on with him [even then he is giving]. Cuddles is the main way i make sense of the closeness between us, if theyre gone i panic, tell me whatever you want and i can search and read whatever logical research, i wont believe it until i feel the cuddle. With a partner, cuddle is love, cuddle is life. If i go without cuddles i get like this time running out feeling that worsens in my stomach, makes me desperate. Ill do what they do for drugs to get my cuddles, seriously, you don't want to see me then.

 

[All-Rounder]

^ Notice how that destabilizes me, and 'instability' is what he mentioned feeling with me. Instability on the other hand makes him lose trust, or, used to.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg of issues we had/work with today.

 

[All-Rounder]

Does he care? Yes, he does empathize with me although sure as heck i could ask 100 ppl including myself and I couldn't understand how because of his reaction. But he's also sometimes oblivious to emotional meanings in things i say. Hes trying to answer a rhetorical romantic question. I mention its a rhetorical attempt to romance him. Really, though, retaliate [someday]. Until then i wouldve forgotten it anyway.

Anyway reraliation happens sometimes, very rarely, but when it does its like watching the eclipse, get your shading goggles on and melt. [honestly though now he does it daily, but don't get your hopes up. he doesnt always do it and it may or not depend on how hes feeling, he has tons of issues ranging from crippling anxiety and total catatonia, to depression and anger and touchyness]

Sometimes I ask for it, but he doesn't do anything. Hes just like, cant be arsed. xD Sometimes he says 'gay' when i cuddle him. But mostly he does communicate at least [about other things]. Hes cute and a little funny. And interesting, too.

 

[Ylva]

It would be one thing if he were depressed and I did what I did to keep our family affairs in order (work, pay the bills, organize and pay for daycare for our son, schedule well-checks for our son, maintain groceries and household supplies, help with cleaning and laundry, maintain family relationships) and he appreciated it (he did actually for a little while) but at some point I don't know if it started to backfire and it actually made him start feeling worse about himself.

So one thing that would make me feel loved is just a commitment to us as a family. And yes, hugs are also nice

I'm not saying he doesn't have an attitude problem, but he isn't here asking how to change it. In kaizen, you start with the smallest possible thing and gradually increase.

It is, of course, obvious that calling you "the enemy" hurts and that that's why he shouldn't do it, and I do think he says it to hurt you, but none of that means you can't tell him, "when you say x it hurts". At least it's communication.

 

[Autistamatic]

You might have hit on something quite important there @Ylva
Applying Kaizen principles towards autistic communication, especially when earning the trust of a wounded soul, would be quite an effective strategy, now I come to think about it. The small changes, trial and error, building upon successes principle behind it applies surprisingly well.

 

[Ken S.]

Oversimplified answer from an ND married to an NT for 25 years, together for 28.
If there is mutual respect, trust and accepting each other for who they are strengths and weaknesses alike without trying to control or change each other then it will work. If not it won't.

 

[Schism]

He might be ASD but he sure sounds manipulative to me. You're in a no- win situation. I am usually in your position because of my ASD. You are suffering in this relationship. You need to step out of it as only then can you really evaluate what's happening. It's like alcoholism. Spend too much time with an alcoholic, you act like an alcoholic. Wish you well x

 

[Autistamatic]

Hi @Artemis

I mentioned the double empathy problem before. The PDF linked below is a good place to start, written by it's originator Dr Damien Milton (a really nice guy with a brilliant sense of humour )
A great deal of the communication problems between NTs and autistics stem from this problem, but solving it requires both sides to recognise their side of the disparity and be ready to fix it.
http://scholar.google.co.uk/scholar_url?url=https://kar.kent.ac.uk/62639/1/Double%20empathy%20problem.pdf&hl=en&sa=X&scisig=AAGBfm30ge9Uwe6P4-qTrK8PjwZlAcceHQ&nossl=1&oi=scholarr

 

[Gracey]

If he spoke only French and I spoke only English, that would be a factor probably in our ability to relate? To communicate?

Not if either of you wanted to learn each others language and culture?


When your baby was born it could neither speak about it's feelings or hug you.

You loved, nurtured and protected it anyway, unconditionally.
Because you wanted to. You chose to.

If your child wasn't developing at the same pace as other children at similar ages and needed assistance to catch up,

would you blame the child's additional needs and say to your child,

"I can't interact with you because I don't understand you,
your additional needs are to blame for this wobble in our relationship?"

or would you accept and adapt?


Is ASD a factor in your communication difficulties?
Only if you want ASD to be 'the problem'


If I may be candid @Artemis,

you sound tired and frustrated in your posts,

you'll find it tough looking after others if you're not looking after yourself.