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How do you convince a partner that their ASD is a big factor in relationship problems?

Gracey said:
Not if either of you wanted to learn each others language and culture?
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Yes, that is exactly my point. I have never been trying to "blame" him or take all of the ownership for everything. I do not see this as a 'disability', I see this as a difference in relating and a difference in communication. If I spoke French and he spoke Spanish, but claimed he spoke French we would have a really hard time understanding one another, now wouldn't we? Especially if he blamed me for not understanding his perfect French.

My point is that it's a factor, that's the post title, and that is really the first step in any kind of progress in my relationship (or really in any ND relationship) in my opinion.

Fortunately, we did talk, it was calm, and he has agreed to see a therapist acknowledges that he is on the spectrum.

After a lovely talk and me feeling like things could get better, he went out and spent $2000 on a new computer. After he hasn't been working for over a year, or steadily in over 3 years. I don't think this has anything to do with the autism? Or could this kind of thing fall under "executive functioning"?

@Gracey, you are right about one thing...I'm freaking exhausted, and severely stressed, and yes, I think the whole point of me being on here is to understand and to create change. I will have to start cutting off credit cards, because he somehow feels he can spend money we don't have without earning anything.
 
Artemis said:
After a lovely talk and me feeling like things could get better, he went out and spent $2000 on a new computer. After he hasn't been working for over a year, or steadily in over 3 years. I don't think this has anything to do with the autism? Or could this kind of thing fall under "executive functioning"?
Click to expand...

Artemis said:
he somehow feels he can spend money we don't have without earning anything
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That could be executive dysfunction, yeah, or some variant of shoppaholicism. (Maybe the "it's illogical" argument will work/do some good.) Dysfunction is usually about being unable to follow through on plans, not impulse buying. But I suppose it could apply to understanding how money works, too. Not impossible.
 
Hi @Autistamatic ...

Thanks for that link... one of the things it mentions is this:
The imposition of one’s views upon another and the subsequent internalisation of this view can be seen to be a form of internalised oppression, where the negative connotations of the normative model of pathological difference becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy (Becker,1963), leading to a self-imposed psycho-emotional disablement (Reeve, 2011).

Been thinking about that a lot lately... just occurred to me though...when I didn't suspect he was on the spectrum I feel like that is when things got bad. So it's weird because I know I don't want to treat him like he has a disability and prolong it, but also—it has to be acknowledged in some way, because it definitely wasn't working when I thought he was NT either.​
 
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I'm likely to spend 3-10,000USD on a new computer, I can give you 100+ good reasons.

Will I do this without significant planning & research? No, that's pointless.
 
Artemis said:
After a lovely talk and me feeling like things could get better, he went out and spent $2000 on a new computer. After he hasn't been working for over a year, or steadily in over 3 years. I don't think this has anything to do with the autism? Or could this kind of thing fall under "executive functioning"?
Click to expand...

By my understanding that would not fall under Executive Dysfunction. ED is essentially people not doing things they should rather than having poor impulse control. A variant of that scenario involving ED would be more like knowing your existing computer was failing and needing repair or replacement but doing nothing about it and just grinding the old computer until it failed. ED essentially comes down to either a lack of awareness of the need to carry out tasks or an inability to motivate oneself to do them. A typical expression would be failing to understand the reasons for personal hygiene, paying bills or the importance of getting a job. ED may be in the mix but I don't see this incident as falling into that category.

Good news about him agreeing to see a therapist though. Autism or no, it should help towards gaining some clarity. Progress.
 
Artemis said:
I will have to start cutting off credit cards, because he somehow feels he can spend money we don't have without earning anything.
Click to expand...

I'd agree with you on that :)
I'd be cutting those cards up, not just cutting them off.

He could pick up some form of work to pay for that purchase (or return it)
McDonalds are always hiring.
There are few excuses.

If you are 'freaking exhausted and severely stressed'
you need to take care of yourself first.
 
@Gracey totally agree. Trying to maintain things for our family, and figure out what self-care looks like, and what I'm willing to let go so I can make some time for it. It is SO hard for me to relax though when everything is a mess around me. Appreciate your insight so much though.
 
I wouldn't say he's a shopaholic, he really doesn't spend much money on himself except for his "special interests". But, then it's really like he "needs" that thing. I think he thinks he needed that computer to get ahead and be able to get work, pursue a new career. But, he doesn't understand money really, he doesn't think beyond what he needs now, and definitely feels entitled to things without understanding the implications. Like he says he spends little to no money, that he doesn't need much to survive, and in some cases that is true, he doesn't really "shop"... but he severely miscalculates rent, food, utilities, childcare expenses, car expenses, medical expenses, insurance, taxes, etc. I'm not just thinking about today, I'm trying so badly to get us in a good place asap because we needs to save for our childs education and to buy a home hopefully one day. Where he doesn't see too much cause for concern, I'm looking at what a terrible waste of an expense interest on our credit cards is. Before we became more enmeshed financially I never carried credit card debt, and I had a savings.

I have definitely suggested just going to work at a coffee shop or something....anything.... he insists places like that won't hire him because he's too old and they just want young college kids. (He's in his late 30's). He was offered a full-time job last year and turned it down because it "wasn't right". He has a LOT of excuses. Only when he's not in defense mode can we even actually discuss these things...and it's a really delicate tightrope I walk on to @Autistamatic 's earlier point... if I treat him like he has a problem, then it's hard for him to not act like he has a problem, but when I treat him like a responsible adult, days, weeks, months go by with no progress until I finally lose my patience again. It is a very clear rhythm at this point.
 
Shared this in a private thread recently, have tried to live by it... but, it gets a little tricky because I don't know what I can realistically expect he ought to be, if that makes any sense.

“If you treat an individual as he is, he will remain how he is. But if you treat him as if he were what he ought to be and could be, he will become what he ought to be and could be.”

― Johann Wolfgang von Goethe​
 
I have a similar attitude towards money. Well, except it's actually my money, and I don't have anything nearly as expensive as a human child to take care of. Just a dog who takes priority over other "special" interests.

There have been lots of threads on handling executive dysfunction (for ourselves, anyway), but in the past few months I have taken to using the kaizen method, which is based on making very slight progress every day. It takes pressure off. At least it's progress. For instance: I tried working out for just a few minutes a day for like a month and now it's more minutes and I'm starting to actually like it. Maybe in a year it's gonna be an hour. It's better than never working out at all. Maybe he can make use of it one way or another.

And using the pygmalion effect on him sounds like a brilliant idea.
 
Tell him to do some homework & build a computer for $500 at most, it's not very hard given all the online resources these days.
 
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