BryceMcBryde
Active Member
How do you guys keep pushing forward after numerous setbacks in life?. I’ve experienced it for a long time and I’ve yet to see much of anything good come from it
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How do you deal with failure?
- Thread starter BryceMcBryde
- Start date
I try to let it be less of a personal thing and more of an experience. Sometimes it is pretty tough but other times it's good preparation for better things to come.
Was making wine a few minutes ago and accidentally cracked my demijohn by overheating it when I was trying to sterilize it. Well, now I have a pile of grapes that might end up fermented in another vessel but oh well I know now how to do this better next time, and my old glass jug and grapes I found in the woods are not major investments.
My car's currently trying to blow itself up because I deferred a lot of maintenance being broke as a joke. I think as long as I can get to work I'm getting ready to have fun restoring an old car. It's also given me an opportunity to look at buying a second vehicle; my family always drove Toyotas but I am looking at saving up and getting an antique Volvo sedan as a backup car. The other thing is my girlfriend seems intrigued by the prospect of learning to do projects instead of being sad or angered by world events. So I see my situation as a guy who drives a worn-out beater now, but who's going to get to work on one, possibly two, cool old cars with a pretty girl. Does sound alright.
There's always something bad but sometimes you can find a positive side. A little bit too often we tend to catastrophize.
Was making wine a few minutes ago and accidentally cracked my demijohn by overheating it when I was trying to sterilize it. Well, now I have a pile of grapes that might end up fermented in another vessel but oh well I know now how to do this better next time, and my old glass jug and grapes I found in the woods are not major investments.
My car's currently trying to blow itself up because I deferred a lot of maintenance being broke as a joke. I think as long as I can get to work I'm getting ready to have fun restoring an old car. It's also given me an opportunity to look at buying a second vehicle; my family always drove Toyotas but I am looking at saving up and getting an antique Volvo sedan as a backup car. The other thing is my girlfriend seems intrigued by the prospect of learning to do projects instead of being sad or angered by world events. So I see my situation as a guy who drives a worn-out beater now, but who's going to get to work on one, possibly two, cool old cars with a pretty girl. Does sound alright.
There's always something bad but sometimes you can find a positive side. A little bit too often we tend to catastrophize.
That's something I struggle with
But what has already been said, one thing for me is just to keep trying, maybe try to learn why you failed so you can improve (if that is a possibility)
Some things are just randomly unlucky and can't be helped anyway
lovely_darlingprettybaby
Well-Known Member
I do not real with failure or blame well, if I am blamed, I blame myself.
If I fail, I wish so hard I could undo it with my heart and soul to make things better.
So I could be forgiven and set free even though I do not think trauma or struggling with a disability is wrong.
Who would say it is?
People with disabilities do not need to be criticized all the time or blamed
If they are especially with trauma they are sure to get dysregulated and meltdown
A trauma meltdoen will probably be worse than a regular one.
Trauma is shame/blame so who would want you to feel like that when u need to break out of that spiral to get better. Validate your feelings and know they are not wrong
Honestly, as much as failure and setbacks suck, there is little choice but to move forward, unless you choose to end your life.
That being said, it’s hard not to become discouraged at times. I’ve learned to deal with the negative emotions, in a way, in that I recognize they are most likely temporary.
For instance: I have been facing a huge number of setbacks in the last year (ending a long term relationship in a very traumatic way, burning out from work, having to find a new house but repeatedly losing out on one). Some days I wake up and I don’t want to keep going. And that’s okay, that’s a normal feeling, given the circumstances. So I just allow myself to feel bad for a while, but I also acknowledge the hardships I’ve faced and overcome in the past.
I got some bad news last week and didn’t want to get out of bed or deal with the world, so I just gave myself a day to do just that: phone off, curtains closed, just me and a book. And promised myself to get back to life the next day.
Obviously this doesn’t always work (trying to will yourself to deal with the world in the throes of depression is something else) but viewing setbacks and emotions in this way, and having the compassion with myself to allow myself to feel bad without getting stuck, has really helped me get better at facing life in general.
That being said, it’s hard not to become discouraged at times. I’ve learned to deal with the negative emotions, in a way, in that I recognize they are most likely temporary.
For instance: I have been facing a huge number of setbacks in the last year (ending a long term relationship in a very traumatic way, burning out from work, having to find a new house but repeatedly losing out on one). Some days I wake up and I don’t want to keep going. And that’s okay, that’s a normal feeling, given the circumstances. So I just allow myself to feel bad for a while, but I also acknowledge the hardships I’ve faced and overcome in the past.
I got some bad news last week and didn’t want to get out of bed or deal with the world, so I just gave myself a day to do just that: phone off, curtains closed, just me and a book. And promised myself to get back to life the next day.
Obviously this doesn’t always work (trying to will yourself to deal with the world in the throes of depression is something else) but viewing setbacks and emotions in this way, and having the compassion with myself to allow myself to feel bad without getting stuck, has really helped me get better at facing life in general.
At this point it's all just one big failure, so I have to just let it wash over me.
Honestly, my enemies are actual successes, because I start thinking, "Hey, things are starting to change!" but it's usually just a fluke. I'm also not saying this in a 'woe is me' fashion, I kind of think a lot of people feel this way because of how we're wired. Sometimes I feel a little better when I realize that the failures are actually going to be the default outcome and it's nothing personal, but it's just the way life goes.
Honestly, my enemies are actual successes, because I start thinking, "Hey, things are starting to change!" but it's usually just a fluke. I'm also not saying this in a 'woe is me' fashion, I kind of think a lot of people feel this way because of how we're wired. Sometimes I feel a little better when I realize that the failures are actually going to be the default outcome and it's nothing personal, but it's just the way life goes.
For me failure of anything is typically crushingly devastating. But, eventually, I learn from it and try again with a bit less failure, on and on until finally success.
I have also learned that many of my "failures" is a perspective thing. On my last job, for all the years I worked there, I was convinced that I was always on the very edge of being fired. On the last day as I was retiring, my boss told me that I was the best employee he ever had. That statement floored me. It took a few months of pondering to realize that my work there was not all the failure that I perceived it to be. It also answered many confusions I had about others reactions to my work. This wasn't until a few months after I retired in my late 60's. It wasn't until then that I realized that my life wasn't such a failure after all and that it was just my perception of it.
Perhaps I'm not alone in my negative perceptions throughout my life?
The short term answer?
Having an adulthood of intensely stubborn perseverance. In as exasperated as I can get, I seldom give up on much of anything I'm struggling with. Sure, I can get fed up and walk away for a time, but I almost always come back and work the problem to a successful conclusion.
It might be an aspect of my OCD. Purely something of a compulsive nature. As if I really don't have a choice. I'm not really sure. Though like my OCD, this wasn't something about me when I was a child.
One thing for sure though, I always regard my initial failures as the foundation of eventual successes.
My most blatant "failures" in life?
1. Unable to successfully sustain a romantic relationship indefinitely
2. High school chemistry
3. Unable to truly overcome the stress of any job interview
Having an adulthood of intensely stubborn perseverance. In as exasperated as I can get, I seldom give up on much of anything I'm struggling with. Sure, I can get fed up and walk away for a time, but I almost always come back and work the problem to a successful conclusion.
It might be an aspect of my OCD. Purely something of a compulsive nature. As if I really don't have a choice. I'm not really sure. Though like my OCD, this wasn't something about me when I was a child.
One thing for sure though, I always regard my initial failures as the foundation of eventual successes.
My most blatant "failures" in life?
1. Unable to successfully sustain a romantic relationship indefinitely
2. High school chemistry
3. Unable to truly overcome the stress of any job interview
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To me, the answer really depends on the context.
In some cases, I keep on trying, with some coaching along the way, because I've got to do what I've got to do, and there'll be consequences.
(e.g. raise a certain amount of money for charity, where I know that rather than being embarassed, that I'd make it up out of pocket, and so part of the motivation is that every dollar I don't raise is one I'm donating myself.
Another example is looking for a job when one doesn't have one, so failure means no job and isn't really an option)
In other cases, I might sit back, and realize that what I thought I wanted isn't what I really want myself, but rather, is something I thought I wanted due to societal pressure to conform and over time I realize that it's not something I really want (or that for me, the time / effort tradeoff isn't worthwhile), and so I find what I do want and work towards that instead.
In some cases, I keep on trying, with some coaching along the way, because I've got to do what I've got to do, and there'll be consequences.
(e.g. raise a certain amount of money for charity, where I know that rather than being embarassed, that I'd make it up out of pocket, and so part of the motivation is that every dollar I don't raise is one I'm donating myself.
Another example is looking for a job when one doesn't have one, so failure means no job and isn't really an option)
In other cases, I might sit back, and realize that what I thought I wanted isn't what I really want myself, but rather, is something I thought I wanted due to societal pressure to conform and over time I realize that it's not something I really want (or that for me, the time / effort tradeoff isn't worthwhile), and so I find what I do want and work towards that instead.
I don't have any advice but I want to say I'm much the same. I tend to hide from things I might fail. Living is hard.
This is crude, but someone said in reference to being a successful business person:
Q. "What's the difference between getting pregnant and being successful in business?" A. "You only need to be "screwed" once in order be get pregnant, but you will be "screwed" many times before you are successful in business."
"How many times can you be knocked down and get back up? This is how winning is done."...Rocky Balboa
It's all about your attitude and your drive to move forward in life. If you have goals in life, you must be ambitious and flexible with your plans. Doors will shut in your face. Paths will be blocked in life. Know this going in. Expect it, and know how to pivot and find a window or another path.
One of the best football running backs in the history of the game, Barry Sanders, happened to play for one of the crappiest teams in the NFL at the time. A play would be called, his blockers had an assignment, he had a hole to run through, the ball was in play, chaos would ensue, and he would literally bounce back and forth from on potential hole to another to make 2,3,4 yards a carry. It seemed like every play was like this, his front linemen were total crap, and yet, had the highest amount of yardage of any running back in the NFL for a number of years.
Q. "What's the difference between getting pregnant and being successful in business?" A. "You only need to be "screwed" once in order be get pregnant, but you will be "screwed" many times before you are successful in business."
"How many times can you be knocked down and get back up? This is how winning is done."...Rocky Balboa
It's all about your attitude and your drive to move forward in life. If you have goals in life, you must be ambitious and flexible with your plans. Doors will shut in your face. Paths will be blocked in life. Know this going in. Expect it, and know how to pivot and find a window or another path.
One of the best football running backs in the history of the game, Barry Sanders, happened to play for one of the crappiest teams in the NFL at the time. A play would be called, his blockers had an assignment, he had a hole to run through, the ball was in play, chaos would ensue, and he would literally bounce back and forth from on potential hole to another to make 2,3,4 yards a carry. It seemed like every play was like this, his front linemen were total crap, and yet, had the highest amount of yardage of any running back in the NFL for a number of years.
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I have been at the edge of the technologically feasible at times and I have confronted failure. But I have given myself permission to fail. I probably had a greater volume of notes from my failures than successes. That and practicing forgiveness allowed me to push my boundaries.
One of my greatest failures was woeking on a high affinity radiolabeled estrogen that would bind to estrogen sensitive breast cancer cells and kill them. The problem in putting it in animals was the liver would strip off the radioactive atom making it useless.
One of my greatest failures was woeking on a high affinity radiolabeled estrogen that would bind to estrogen sensitive breast cancer cells and kill them. The problem in putting it in animals was the liver would strip off the radioactive atom making it useless.
In my case it is easy. I do not see much as failure these days since my thirties. I mean, if the unexpected result was because of an unexpected event or another person, I usually had no control over that and I can only learn from that and be more prepared next time.
And if that less than desired result for an important matter was from my own doing, in nearly all cases it was not from any lack of effort or well informed decision on my behalf as whatever I do in life for essential things I give my maximum effort and think things through first. I learn from that too, where I could have maybe just taken a different path or approach instead, so that reduces stress.
For not too important things in life, I do not worry about either mistakes, having less physical or mental energy expended, or not ideal results each time, because it is more important to not get stress those many times. There is a time for intense work, learning and maximum effort and a time for leisure, to relax the mind and body, and to not fret over most things. I like that healthy balance.
And if that less than desired result for an important matter was from my own doing, in nearly all cases it was not from any lack of effort or well informed decision on my behalf as whatever I do in life for essential things I give my maximum effort and think things through first. I learn from that too, where I could have maybe just taken a different path or approach instead, so that reduces stress.
For not too important things in life, I do not worry about either mistakes, having less physical or mental energy expended, or not ideal results each time, because it is more important to not get stress those many times. There is a time for intense work, learning and maximum effort and a time for leisure, to relax the mind and body, and to not fret over most things. I like that healthy balance.
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DaisyRose
Well-Known Member
It’s hard to accept failure. It can be hard to move on and not think about things like that. I always tell myself that failure is not always a bad thing. You can take what you learn from your failures as life lessons you can use later on. You can learn a lot about failures.
BryceMcBryde
Active Member
Thank you everyone. Your responses have made me a bit happier
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