how do you make friends?

[Beverly]

I can only tell you how I gained the friends I have. I didn't go out trying to make friends. I did my job and, did what I enjoyed doing in my free time. I met people and a lot of them were just faces in a crowd, nothing to them from my perspective but, here and there, one was something more, we clicked, had some shared interests or experiences and, some similar goals, ideal, morals etc.. we became friends.

I have a few close friends but only two that I share most of my problems with. A lot of casual friends I do things with but, we keep it light and don't discuss personal problems, then acquaintances, mostly business there, I have to be civil and sociable toward them but, they aren't friends.

 

[Epicurean Pariah]

I have never really been much of a popular person, but through a lot of my school days, I managed to at least have a few people to hang out with, even if they weren't the best kinds of friends. I got into an abusive relationship and got stuck there through virtually all of high school and a year beyond. all of the social ties I did have were severed by the end of it, though I managed to get back with 2 friends who had become my best friends. then I found myself only hanging out with them. I had been friends with them for years and never managed to make friends with any of their friends, and most just treated me badly anyways. I found myself getting sucked up on all their drama and I couldn't take it anymore, not to mention they never really liked to go do things with me, so I ended up breaking it off with them. Now it seems harder than ever to try to make friends and I am at such a loss. I have no idea what to do. I have been forcing myself to get out and go places and to events alone, despite the social anxiety. I've been striking up conversation with people. I have learned to dance in public. Yet, nothing I do can seem to get the right kind of attention and leave the kind of impression to make a friend. The only time anyone asks to hang out with me or invites me to a party is if they are trying to hook up with me. As soon as they find out im not interested in that way, I get forgotten. How in the world do people make friends? I've tried everything I could think of.

Rain, out of every 100 people I meet I expect to make one friendly to me, for every 1000, a friend, for awhile.
A caution may be in order here. When dealing with the normal, average, mundane emotional hysterics. Be very careful you protect and care for your own best friend, yourself. Never let yourself down.
We are, we think, we feel different from the norms, and world history clearly demonstrates how normal folks treats any kind of different folks.
I am old and surly as a junk yard dog so I close with this thought of the day...... A friend is only an enemy who has not stabbed you in the back, yet!
Et tu Brutus.

 

[the_tortoise]

My only strategy for making friends is to be around people. I find interest-based groups or community events to go to. When I was younger I went to youth groups. When I've had jobs I sometimes made friends at work.

When I make friends, it always seems kind of like magic.... I don't know how it happens or at what point we become friends (I will just ask people when I'm unsure, if we are friends....I know it's awkward and weird but I'm awkward and weird whether I ask stuff like that or not -- probably more awkward and weird if I don't), and I don't know what might make someone take an interest in interacting with me/continuing to interact with me in the first place.

 

[ksheehan88]

I have no idea how I have the friends I do...

Two I have known since I was about 14, we were all part of the same group of "friends"... they were the only two I got close to.

One I met when we both lived in the same homeless hostel when we were 17, we clicked, just like that (I'm sure many of you can appreciate how rarely such a thing happens)
I didn't see him for 10 years because we both moved on from the hostel, then I got back in touch with him at the beginning of the year and it was like we had never been apart.

Anyone else is just passing. They don't know the real me, and likely never will.

I've come to believe its quality over quantity... I'm happy with my three friends. They know me inside out and back to front (almost) they put up with my neediness, outbursts, silliness, oddness... I'm a very difficult person to love. Not many people can deal with it.

 

[Judge]

I honestly can't say I've even tried since around the turn of the century. On occasion I've met new people, but failed to form any kind of meaningful bond with them. Pretty much all my r/l social contacts are superficial at best.

I had "friends" in the 80s and 90s. All from work. Eventually we all went our separate ways and that was that.

 

[midlife aspie]

For the most part, I don't. I would not have time to spend with them if I did. Kind of comes with having young children. Wife's 'friends' are members of the 'mommy' club!

 

[sonnesun]

I would rather have only one genuine friend than twenty bad ones. In fact I would rather have no friends than just fake friends.

I've finally learned the hard way not to especially go out of my way to make friends now, it cannot be forced nor faked. I have been bitten too many times by so-called friends and by a certain ex-partner, I've been far too naive and trusting for my own good for way too long. So I now go on my own basic gut instincts and don't allow anybody get too close anymore, not be too pally. Not until I know they are fully trustworthy and nonjudgmental, otherwise I keep a certain distance.

Chit chat must come fully natural with genuine friends, somebody I can fully relate to. No awkward silences, and no pushiness. I must be able to trust them with my personal stuff I don't wish to share with others. If I can't trust them with my life (this includes personal stuff) then I can't really trust them.

They must understand when No means No, and to respect my feelings. I don't like to be pushy, so I equally expect a true friend not to be pushy back.

Fake friends just brings me unnecessary anxieties, especially when they outstay their welcome, too argumentative, too critical and can't take no for an answer. Usually they would only visit me when they want something from me, and maybe to use my home just as a place to crash out especially at inappropriate times. So I no longer go out of my way to be friends with someone anymore, I let any genuine friends come to me naturally. I would rather be alone rather than be alone in a crowded room full of fake friends.

Don't be too eager to make friends, making false friends is just as lonely as not having any at all, probably moreso. You will know when you have a genuine friend as you just instinctively know they have no hidden agendas. If any inner alarm bells ring inside you about somebody, then don't get too close. The bells usually ring quite quickly when you first get to know someone who isn't that legit anyway.

Well, they do ring more for me now anyway. Plenty years of naive bad experiences has finally made me learn, for a slightly easier life.

 

[ksheehan88]

I would rather have only one genuine friend than twenty bad ones. In fact I would rather have no friends than just fake friends.

I've finally learned the hard way not to especially go out of my way to make friends now, it cannot be forced nor faked. I have been bitten too many times by so-called friends and by a certain ex-partner, I've been far too naive and trusting for my own good for way too long. So I now go on my own basic gut instincts and don't allow anybody get too close anymore, not be too pally. Not until I know they are fully trustworthy and nonjudgmental, otherwise I keep a certain distance.

Chit chat must come fully natural with genuine friends, somebody I can fully relate to. No awkward silences, and no pushiness. I must be able to trust them with my personal stuff I don't wish to share with others. If I can't trust them with my life (this includes personal stuff) then I can't really trust them.

They must understand when No means No, and to respect my feelings. I don't like to be pushy, so I equally expect a true friend not to be pushy back.

Fake friends just brings me unnecessary anxieties, especially when they outstay their welcome, too argumentative, too critical and can't take no for an answer. Usually they would only visit me when they want something from me, and maybe to use my home just as a place to crash out especially at inappropriate times. So I no longer go out of my way to be friends with someone anymore, I let any genuine friends come to me naturally. I would rather be alone rather than be alone in a crowded room full of fake friends.

Don't be too eager to make friends, making false friends is just as lonely as not having any at all, probably moreso. You will know when you have a genuine friend as you just instinctively know they have no hidden agendas. If any inner alarm bells ring inside you about somebody, then don't get too close. The bells usually ring quite quickly when you first get to know someone who isn't that legit anyway.

Well, they do ring more for me nowanyway. Plenty years of naive bad experiences has finally made me learn, for a slightly easier life.

Agree 100% with everything you said!

 

[toothless]

i never had offline friends until about 30,i had no interest in being with people and with online friends i used them more as a way to get my feelings out because i was non verbal at the time and very frustrated with being so closed in.
i am now a different person-i have two offline best friends;both disabled in different ways [one with moderate-severe intellectual disability and mild CP,the other with a severe spinal injury and mental health],i keep them at a distance though as i dont like socialising.
i was acutely bullied my whole life by normie people so i would never consider having one as a friend unless they had a connection to disability and were understanding in that way.
i doubt a normie person would want me as a friend anyway.

i would do absolutely anything for my friends, i think having a friend means you have to be completely loyal to them and you will get that back.
i used to take my mate pete [the guy with intellectual disability] out with me for dinner or drinks to pubs because he gets very little support [1 hour for morning and 1 hour evening] yet isnt allowed out on his own as he very wrongly got permenently tagged with a sexual attack,his partner who has severe intellectual disability didnt have the mental capacity to know what was happening and got him labelled a sex abuser.