How do you respond to Compliments...?

[Judge]

NT explanation of a compliment: a polite expression of praise or admiration.

Aspie explanation of a compliment: An unsolicited comment in which we are often unprepared to respond to.

Being caught off guard in a conversation probably means little or nothing to NTs. But for most of us, it can reflect anything from a minor obstacle to a minefield depending on the circumstances.

Could it be this simple? That it's something said to us while being caught off guard?

 

[DogwoodTree]

Could it be this simple? That it's something said to us while being caught off guard?

That's definitely part of it for me, especially with other people besides my family. Plus, I just don't like getting that kind of attention...it makes me feel very conspicuous and especially vulnerable to other people's opinions of me.

There's more to it for me personally, though. My mom gives me compliments when I do something poorly so she can be the one to "make me feel better" (doesn't work anymore). And she criticizes when I do something well, especially if it wasn't exactly the way she would have done it (which it never is), because you know, you can't have someone getting too independent emotionally.

So I distrust compliments on multiple levels, and much prefer constructive criticism. Even feedback from other people, if it sounds too positive, feels inauthentic to me. Please don't try to stroke my ego--I'd much prefer honesty. (I'm sure people are honestly impressed with things from time to time. I guess I'm just overly sensitive to being put on a pedestal, because the higher someone builds you up, the harder the inevitable fall will be.)

 

[Judge]

There's more to it for me personally, though. My mom gives me compliments when I do something poorly so she can be the one to "make me feel better" (doesn't work anymore). And she criticizes when I do something well, especially if it wasn't exactly the way she would have done it (which it never is), because you know, you can't have someone getting too independent emotionally.

So I distrust compliments on multiple levels, and much prefer constructive criticism. Even feedback from other people, if it sounds too positive, feels inauthentic to me. Please don't try to stroke my ego--I'd much prefer honesty. (I'm sure people are honestly impressed with things from time to time. I guess I'm just overly sensitive to being put on a pedestal, because the higher someone builds you up, the harder the inevitable fall will be.)

Point taken! I guess I was just internalizing. That for me it's all about being caught off guard...feeling stupid and not knowing what to say at that moment.

 

[wyverary]

Many years ago, I attended a masterclass by a cellist who was (at that time, anyway) a member of a very well-regarded piano trio. She mentioned one time, in her younger days, of performing some piece or another (can't remember which). She apparently wasn't that happy with her performance, and said in response, "Oh, it wasn't that good!" And how bad she felt about it in retrospect. So, I think taking compliments can be difficult for a lot of people, not just Aspies, or at least hard to learn to do.

 

[Naturalist]

Well, I do dismiss compliments sometimes, not to show modesty but because I often don't think to be worthy of a compliment... I know it has to do with low self-esteem in my case, but yeah... the receiving end is always uncomfortable and awkward.

Thanks, Ellylldan--I just realized my first post was vague, I meant "people here" as in "people where I live," not "people on the forum"--in that latter context, you are quite correct, when I dismiss a compliment it is because I really don't feel I deserve it. But others seem to dismiss compliments in an effort to appear modest, I don't really know how to explain the difference but it makes me feel awkward, because they do it when the compliment I have given them is well-deserved and I don't know if they expect me to argue the point or just drop it. Maybe though they are just as confused when I dismiss their compliments? I try to just say "thank you" whether or not it is deserved, it is easier and still polite and ends the interaction more expeditiously!

 

[inabox]

I agree with Judge and Dogwood Tree. For me its being unprepared, I guess I wasn't expecting people to be nice, and I don't like the attention and I too feel very conspicuous. I think this is what causes me to feel total embarrassment when given a compliment. Its like being put on a stage with all the lights on me.

 

[Spiller]

Being an aspie is full of contradictions and sometimes I do wish I was "normal" because it would make life easier to deal with.

Could it be this simple? That it's something said to us while being caught off guard?

I hate receiving compliments and presents, but can happily give them out.. I feel a huge knot of anxiety that I don't deserve it and don't know what to do; odd!
As Aspies, growing and learning in an NT oriented world, struggling with verbal based learning and bewildered by subtle, fluid, social interaction, perhaps it's not surprising that we're full of contradictions, as we've been mis-programmed? Some NT coding just isn't compatible with the AS operating system.
As such, we're left with holes in the code that cause us deep seated anxiety as children and which we then have to do our best to learn coping mechanisms for during adolescence and adulthood.
Aren't we in a perpetual state of being off guard? Can we say there's ever a time when we feel totally comfortable in company.. maybe sometimes, with certain people we're used to, but I know, myself, I have to don my metaphorical mask just to go to the shops!

 

[inabox]

I hate receiving compliments and presents, but can happily give them out.. I feel a huge knot of anxiety that I don't deserve it and don't know what to do; odd!
As Aspies, growing and learning in an NT oriented world, struggling with verbal based learning and bewildered by subtle, fluid, social interaction, perhaps it's not surprising that we're full of contradictions, as we've been mis-programmed? Some NT coding just isn't compatible with the AS operating system.
As such, we're left with holes in the code that cause us deep seated anxiety as children and which we then have to do our best to learn coping mechanisms for during adolescence and adulthood.
Aren't we in a perpetual state of being off guard? Can we say there's ever a time when we feel totally comfortable in company.. maybe sometimes, with certain people we're used to, but I know, myself, I have to don my metaphorical mask just to go to the shops!

Completely, whole heartedly agree. In the first couple of sentences you said its odd. I think its odd too. Trying to explain it , it just gets odder and I don't really succeed in making much sense or actually saying how it is .

 

[Judge]

Aren't we in a perpetual state of being off guard? Can we say there's ever a time when we feel totally comfortable in company.. maybe sometimes, with certain people we're used to, but I know, myself, I have to don my metaphorical mask just to go to the shops!

Good point. It stand to reason!

 

[epath13]

Does anyone understand this? I have trouble doing things like returning compliments. Things I should do and most times I want to. Like someone says to me "hope you have a good summer". I should reply "you too" and I want to, either because its polite or I actually mean it, or both. But something makes that so incredibly uncomfortable to say. If its in writing, I can do it no problem. If I manage to say it, it comes out real quiet, I'm looking all shy , and the only feeling I can relate it to is embarrassment. Why the hell would this embarrass me to the point of making me look rude for not returning compliments.
I do not mind being nice to people and if it was someone who does not compliment me, its easier to compliment them. But I can't "return" it.
This is very strange. I don't understand it. Does anyone else experience something similar? Or have any idea what might be going on? Its been going on this way for as long back as I can remember and has not changed.

If I compliment somebody, I mostly do it impulsively. Sometimes when I see something that I like about a person or about what they do, I only think about complimenting them when it's already too late, or when the "right" moment is gone. Sometimes I feel uneasy about not saying things at the "right" moment, but usually I let it go pretty quickly.
As for saying things in return. I think in most cases "you too" is acceptable. Lately I started experimenting a little and say "how are you doing?" Just to see how it would go. It's ok, doesn't feel as weird any more.

 

[Berianireth]

Omigossh yes!! I usually blurt something that sounds mechanical out with a touch too much tone and walk away feeling ugly and empty. I have no idea why I do it, it's just that I don't automatically have words in my head for things that other people say to me I guess. I also have this awful habit of trying to turn everything into a nonsensical joke, and unremarkably other folks interpret my actions as nonsensical!! Imaagine. xD

 

[ImAnAspie]

Yes, I've experienced this. One of the things I hate that I do is if someone says "Merry Christmas" or something like that, I'll just say "Same to you!" and every time I say it, I think "That sounded rather unfriendly" but it just feels like I'm being a copycat because they said it first and I'm just responding. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but that's how it is.

In general, I don't have a problem with manners (I don't think). I was dragged up very well!

 

[DogwoodTree]

... it just feels like I'm being a copycat because they said it first and I'm just responding. I don't know if that makes sense to anyone but that's how it is.

Yes, this. It doesn't feel authentic if I'm just volleying the comment back at them, but that's all I can come up with quickly enough.

The problem is really obvious if, say, I'm not feeling well and someone says, "Hope you feel better soon" and I say back, "You, too"...then it's painfully obvious that I'm not expressing a heart sentiment, but rather just returning a statement with no actual thought put into it.

 

[Spiller]

The problem is really obvious if, say, I'm not feeling well and someone says, "Hope you feel better soon" and I say back, "You, too"...then it's painfully obvious that I'm not expressing a heart sentiment, but rather just returning a statement with no actual thought put into it.

I still struggle with being asked "How are you?"! Should I recite the latest instalment in my list of ailments? Should I lie and say "Fine, thanks."? Should I ask after their health, after assessing whether or not this person is going to go on at length about the pain in their false knee? Or should I just smile, nod and say "Hi", as I've just been standing there motionless, staring at them and thinking.. and just noticed they're giving me an odd look
Always a tough question!

 

[epath13]

I actually have a question, if somebody is going to read this. Do you feel weird about telling same gender folks (for gays and bi-s) and opposite gender people (for straight) how beautiful, pretty, attractive they are? I had this situation. 3 women (yes they were Jehova's Witnesses) came to my door. I usually say right away that were not religious, but this time I felt like chatting. One woman talked and then in the end of the conversation another woman (who was, in my opinion, the most attractive out of 3) said, "I'm sorry, I can't believe how beautiful you are, and so smart" and then she went on and on about it, while other women we looking kind of annoyed that woman was very attractive, but I would never have guts to tell her that. I can compliment people on their clothes or amazing work they do (that's my favorite) but not on their looks. How about you?

 

[Spiller]

I can compliment people on their clothes or amazing work they do (that's my favorite) but not on their looks. How about you?

Interesting.. I generally don't comment beyond a gentlemanly "You look lovely today", but sometimes I'm distracted by something I pick up on, empathy perhaps, when I look at some womens eyes and I can't help blurting it out, then later realising that I might have seemed too probing.. I see pain in them at being betrayed or abused and it's hard not to complement them on their strength or kindness after all that suffering.. I can't help feeling that they deserve my support, even if they don't know me.. makes for some odd looks though, heh

 

[AsheSkyler]

I actually have a question, if somebody is going to read this. Do you feel weird about telling same gender folks (for gays and bi-s) and opposite gender people (for straight) how beautiful, pretty, attractive they are? I can compliment people on their clothes or amazing work they do (that's my favorite) but not on their looks. How about you?

Yes, it makes me really uncomfortable. Partly because I don't want them to think I'm hitting on them since I'm practically a nun or a monk outside of my husband, and also because I always hate it when a person gives me their opinion on my physical appearance. A wee side note, if somebody says you're pretty, never answer with "I get that all the time", no matter how true it is or how much you play it off as a joke. Unwritten social rule is that you may never acknowledge how pretty you are or how often you hear it, you're supposed to act surprised and flattered every time and never annoyed.

 

[Judge]

Unwritten social rule is that you may never acknowledge how pretty you are or how often you hear it, you're supposed to act surprised and flattered every time and never annoyed.

Ron Perlman: "Ripley! You're still alive!"
Sigourney Weaver: "Yeah, I get that a lot."

- "Alien Resurrection"

 

[inabox]

I still struggle with being asked "How are you?"! Should I recite the latest instalment in my list of ailments? Should I lie and say "Fine, thanks."? Should I ask after their health, after assessing whether or not this person is going to go on at length about the pain in their false knee? Or should I just smile, nod and say "Hi", as I've just been standing there motionless, staring at them and thinking.. and just noticed they're giving me an odd look
Always a tough question!

When asked how I am I now nearly always say I'm fine thanks. This is because too many times I've answered honestly, mentioning something negative, then had a long list of questions asked of me and being stuck for too long on a topic I don't want to be on. It's far simpler to say "I'm good thanks" and leave it at that.

 

[AsheSkyler]

I still struggle with being asked "How are you?"! Should I recite the latest instalment in my list of ailments? Should I lie and say "Fine, thanks."? Should I ask after their health, after assessing whether or not this person is going to go on at length about the pain in their false knee? Or should I just smile, nod and say "Hi", as I've just been standing there motionless, staring at them and thinking.. and just noticed they're giving me an odd look
Always a tough question!

Be very blunt, vague, and honest all in one. "I'm here!" I usually say it with a grin so they don't think I'm mad. There's also my husband's grandfather's answer. "Miserably well." It usually leaves them so confused they don't talk for a few minutes.