I am going to post some of my film reviews in this thread.

[Kalinychta]

I have Netflix, Prime Video, Hulu, HBO Max and The Criterion Channel. If the movie is available on any of those in the US, I would be glad to review it.

How about The Asphalt Jungle? I just looked and it’s on HBO Max right now. I think you’d like it. It’s one of my favorite movies.

 

[Metalhead]

I will grant your request by the end of this week.

 

[Kalinychta]

I will grant your request by the end of this week.

Please do. I’d genuinely like to read your review. Most people nowadays don’t watch old films. I’ve only known a few others who’ve watched The Asphalt Jungle, but I’ve never read a review of it, and as someone who’s always been interested in existentialism and nihilism in particular, I declare it noteworthy. But if you hate it, that’ll be a-okay, too. I can’t imagine you hating it, though. It’s super cool from beginning to end. Absolutely gorgeous cinematography, for one thing.

 

[Metalhead]

Please do. I’d genuinely like to read your review. Most people nowadays don’t watch old films. I’ve only known a few others who’ve watched The Asphalt Jungle, but I’ve never read a review of it, and as someone who’s always been interested in existentialism and nihilism in particular, I declare it noteworthy. But if you hate it, that’ll be a-okay, too. I can’t imagine you hating it, though. It’s super cool from beginning to end. Absolutely gorgeous cinematography, for one thing.

Sorry, I had to take on some extra hours at my job in the last week, but I am going to watch it and write my review today.

 

[Slim Jim]

Please do. I’d genuinely like to read your review. Most people nowadays don’t watch old films. I’ve only known a few others who’ve watched The Asphalt Jungle,

Saw it , years ago. Once. I'm instantly reminded of "The Killing" . Stanley Kubrick. Saw that maybe, twice. It's Kubrick after all.

 

[Metalhead]

The Asphalt Jungle (1950)

Grade – 5 / 5

Rating – Unrated (Equivalent to a PG)

Running Time – 112 Minutes

---------
John Huston’s The Asphalt Jungle is often considered to be one ot the best vintage film noir features to come out of Hollywood in the last century. Now that I have sat through it, I can confirm that it has earned that status. Despite the obvious influence of the American film code insisting that cops cannot be killed by bad guys and that all criminals pay by the end of the film, this has aged quite well. The dialogue crackles and sparks. The heist at the center of the film mines as much suspense as it possibly can out of the situation. Despite the obvious lack of foul language and graphic violence, this still feels thrillingly modern even today.

Featuring Sterling Hayden as a streetsmart thug who has a nasty gambling addiction, Louis Calhern as a broke person fronting as a rich lawyer, and Sam Jaffe as an expert thief who just got released from prison and is itching to get into a massive score, there are enough double-crosses in the second half of this film to satisfy all of the noir fans out there. Marilyn Monroe also has a significant role as the lawyer’s much younger mistress. There is just about as much sleaze as the production code would allow featured here.

However, despite the limitations of the film code, The Asphalt Jungle still manages to feel very gritty and very relevant. The stunning use of black and white cinematography helps carry the atmosphere here a very long way. The bastards at Turner Classic Movies should have never tried to computer colorize this back in the ‘90s.

In terms of pacing, editing, dialogue and direction, everything here still holds up extremely well against movies that are being released into theaters today. As of the day this review was written, this film is 73 years old and yet it feels like it has not aged a single day. The Asphalt Jungle may be set in the ‘50s, but the narrative in it is essentially timeless. The suspense is immaculate, even if the ending it reaches is obvious due to the production code’s standards.

 

[Kalinychta]

The Asphalt Jungle (1950)

Grade – 5 / 5

Rating – Unrated (Equivalent to a PG)

Running Time – 112 Minutes

---------
John Huston’s The Asphalt Jungle is often considered to be one ot the best vintage film noir features to come out of Hollywood in the last century. Now that I have sat through it, I can confirm that it has earned that status. Despite the obvious influence of the American film code insisting that cops cannot be killed by bad guys and that all criminals pay by the end of the film, this has aged quite well. The dialogue crackles and sparks. The heist at the center of the film mines as much suspense as it possibly can out of the situation. Despite the obvious lack of foul language and graphic violence, this still feels thrillingly modern even today.

Featuring Sterling Hayden as a streetsmart thug who has a nasty gambling addiction, Louis Calhern as a broke person fronting as a rich lawyer, and Sam Jaffe as an expert thief who just got released from prison and is itching to get into a massive score, there are enough double-crosses in the second half of this film to satisfy all of the noir fans out there. Marilyn Monroe also has a significant role as the lawyer’s much younger mistress. There is just about as much sleaze as the production code would allow featured here.

However, despite the limitations of the film code, The Asphalt Jungle still manages to feel very gritty and very relevant. The stunning use of black and white cinematography helps carry the atmosphere here a very long way. The bastards at Turner Classic Movies should have never tried to computer colorize this back in the ‘90s.

In terms of pacing, editing, dialogue and direction, everything here still holds up extremely well against movies that are being released into theaters today. As of the day this review was written, this film is 73 years old and yet it feels like it has not aged a single day. The Asphalt Jungle may be set in the ‘50s, but the narrative in it is essentially timeless. The suspense is immaculate, even if the ending it reaches is obvious due to the production code’s standards.

Yes!!!!! So, so, so well put. What an excellent and eloquent review. I screeched with laughter at this: “The bastards at Turner Classic Movies should have never tried to computer colorize this back in the ‘90s.” Haha! I’m so looking forward to your other reviews! Has anyone else recommended any other films? I sure as hell can come up with another one, if not. You’re a great writer.

 

[Kalinychta]

Saw it , years ago. Once. I'm instantly reminded of "The Killing" . Stanley Kubrick. Saw that maybe, twice. It's Kubrick after all.

Yes! The Killing is excellent. Kubrick, sure, but I don’t think any movie is capable of being half bad if Sterling Hayden is in it. He was a peach.

 

[Callistemon]

So many good films...

Have you seen/reviewed Ex Machina?

 

[Forest Cat]

I see you like horror movies, if you want to try something foreign and different, maybe you would like to write a review about Dead Snow. Nazi zombies gone wild in the Norwegian mountains.

Watch Dead Snow (English Subtitled) | Prime Video




Also, Dead Snow 2. More nazi zombies gone even wilder.

 

[Metalhead]

The Sadness (2021)

Grade – 5 / 5

Rating – Unrated (18+)

Running Time – 101 Minutes
-----
On the surface, The Sadness may seem to be little more than a series of ridiculously grisly set pieces tied together with a flimsy virus plot. I think it is a cleverly offensive satire of the COVID pandemic, however. Blunt social commentary meets Herschell Gordon Lewis in this Taiwanese splatter flick.

I will stress that this is not a film that is for most audiences out there. The nonstop violence is so over-the-top and graphic that it easily makes the cut as one of the most visually visceral films I have ever seen. The practical special effects are excellent, and I would love to see a making of documentary of this movie to see how many of them were pulled off.

As far as the plot goes, it starts off with a seemingly benign virus that doctors say has a chance to mutate into something that is similar to rabies. The media and most of the Taiwanese citizens laugh at the doctors until the virus eventually does mutate. Once that happens, all of those who are infected turn into sexually deviant homicidal maniacs. Character development is minimal outside of one final girl and her boyfriend. But nobody is watching this for the character development, anyway.

The bloodshed starts ten minutes into the film and it rarely ever lets up until the ending credits start to roll. There is some genuine suspense to be found in several of the sequences as the young couple tries to reunite with each other after mass hysteria has taken over their city. However, writer/director Rob Jabbaz is often content to just go for grossing out his audience. He deserves an award for his sheer audacity. The violence is creatively brutal and depraved.

I am giving The Sadness five stars, as it is an expertly paced and well-directed splatter film that delivers exactly what it promises. For those of you out there who do not enjoy gory special effects work, I would suggest you not watch this. Even though the satire has a lot of bite to it, this is definitely a movie made exclusively for fans of extreme horror cinema. Many people will also be offended by the misogyny on display as the infected attack their female victims. But this really is a throwback to the era of nihilistic end of the world movies that were common in the ‘70s. I found it to be hilariously over-the-top and never once boring. Others will have a lesser opinion, and that is perfectly reasonable.

 

[Thinx]

Great review, thanks for the heads up on spatter. I only like a modicum of spatter, ideally alongside some humour. Maybe they could make a light spatter version of this? With some singing and sparkles? No?....

 

[Kalinychta]

The Sadness (2021)

Grade – 5 / 5

Rating – Unrated (18+)

Running Time – 101 Minutes
-----
On the surface, The Sadness may seem to be little more than a series of ridiculously grisly set pieces tied together with a flimsy virus plot. I think it is a cleverly offensive satire of the COVID pandemic, however. Blunt social commentary meets Herschell Gordon Lewis in this Taiwanese splatter flick.

I will stress that this is not a film that is for most audiences out there. The nonstop violence is so over-the-top and graphic that it easily makes the cut as one of the most visually visceral films I have ever seen. The practical special effects are excellent, and I would love to see a making of documentary of this movie to see how many of them were pulled off.

As far as the plot goes, it starts off with a seemingly benign virus that doctors say has a chance to mutate into something that is similar to rabies. The media and most of the Taiwanese citizens laugh at the doctors until the virus eventually does mutate. Once that happens, all of those who are infected turn into sexually deviant homicidal maniacs. Character development is minimal outside of one final girl and her boyfriend. But nobody is watching this for the character development, anyway.

The bloodshed starts ten minutes into the film and it rarely ever lets up until the ending credits start to roll. There is some genuine suspense to be found in several of the sequences as the young couple tries to reunite with each other after mass hysteria has taken over their city. However, writer/director Rob Jabbaz is often content to just go for grossing out his audience. He deserves an award for his sheer audacity. The violence is creatively brutal and depraved.

I am giving The Sadness five stars, as it is an expertly paced and well-directed splatter film that delivers exactly what it promises. For those of you out there who do not enjoy gory special effects work, I would suggest you not watch this. Even though the satire has a lot of bite to it, this is definitely a movie made exclusively for fans of extreme horror cinema. Many people will also be offended by the misogyny on display as the infected attack their female victims. But this really is a throwback to the era of nihilistic end of the world movies that were common in the ‘70s. I found it to be hilariously over-the-top and never once boring. Others will have a lesser opinion, and that is perfectly reasonable.

Good review. Sounds way too violent for me, though! Which one are you going to review next?

 

[BrokenBoy]

Metalhead, have you seen any of the following movies:

• Wizards (1977)
  
• American History X (1998)
• Ghost World (2001)
• Irreversible (2002)
  
• The Rules of Attraction (2002)

 

[Kalinychta]

Metalhead, have you seen any of the following movies:

• Wizards (1977)
  
• American History X (1998)
• Ghost World (2001)
• Irreversible (2002)
  
• The Rules of Attraction (2002)

Yeah! I want another “brain food film” review.

 

[Kalinychta]

In addition to BrokenBoy’s suggestions, I vote for The Seventh Seal (1958 - Ingmar Bergman). Also, @Metalhead - have you seen Drugstore Cowboy? I’m on a manic William S. Burroughs tidal wave at the moment, and I’m going to watch it soon (WSB does a funny little cameo in it).

 

[Forest Cat]

Also, @Metalhead - have you seen Drugstore Cowboy?

Such a good movie. That's my review of it.

 

[Metalhead]

Lvx Æterna (2019)

Grade – 1.5 / 5

Rating – Unrated (Equivalent to an R)

Running Time – 51 Minutes
​

Welcome to the world of the single most pretentious piece of advertising I have ever seen. Lvx Æterna was intended to be a spectacular Yves Saint Laurent advert, but under the creative control of Gaspar Noe, it turned out to be more of a cinematic practical joke. Anybody who is sensitive to flashing lights should avoid this short film at all costs, as the last ten minutes will definitely trigger seizures in many people who see it. Anybody who is a fan of Noe’s previous films will not find much of his humanistic touch here, but then again, this was intended to be an advert.

Charlotte Gainsbourgh and Beatrice Dalle are the two leads here, and they look smashing in their Saint Laurent clothing, but their characters are not given that much to do other than wander around a chaotic set for most of the running time. The film set on display here is truly chaotic, so fans of trashy reality television might get some enjoyment out of this staged pandemonium. I could tell that Noe was reaching for a satirical bite on the nature of filmmaking here, but his sledgehammer approach to this subject matter renders it rather childish by the time the end comes around.

I was not expecting the usual Noe masterpiece, and I did not get the usual Noe masterpiece. The split-screen camera work which is used throughout most of the film certainly did add to the feeling of chaos that Noe was striving for, so on that note, I could say he certainly did pull off what he tried to do. What really made the film an unpleasant experience, however, was the last ten minutes. Flashing colorful lights take over the screen, and even though I do not suffer from epilepsy, I did feel that having these lights go on for ten minutes straight, no break, no respite, the cast still going through the skimpy story in this lighting….. Noe, you asked for too much from me when you pulled this particular stunt here.

Does this make people want to go out and buy Yves Saint Laurent clothing? Was this advert really intended to promote such consumerism, or was it a pretentious artistic statement through and through? Noe has made unpleasant films in the past, but being unpleasant emotionally and being unpleasant in a sensory hell kind of way are two completely different animals. This is one of the very few films I have seen that turned out to be physically painful to sit through.

 

[Metalhead]

We Are Still Here (2015)

Grade – 2 / 5

Rating – Unrated (Equivalent to an R)

Running Time – 84 Minutes​

We Are Still Here is a shameless B-movie with an interesting plot that is ill-served by universally wooden performances from its cast and a screenplay that merely goes through the motions. It is mostly too mediocre of a film for me to have any strong opinions about it. The characters are cardboard cut-outs, and most of them are just there to be victims of the demons living in the legendary haunted house in the small rural village.

While all of this is predictable and there is nothing here that has not been done before in better haunted house films, the entertainment value starts to come out in the last fifteen minutes. The low-budget bloodbath that this film ends with is pure shock and awe. It is a ridiculously amusing finish to a rather unremarkable VOD horror feature, and it is the only part about this film that I am likely to remember a couple of months from now.

Screen legend Barbara Crampton plays Anne, and Andrew Sensenig plays her husband, Paul. Their son died a couple of months before the start of this film in a tragic car crash. They decide to move out of the city to get a new start, and they find this nice house with a low price they could not refuse. The reason the price was so low is because there are demons living in it, and the whole town is in on the scheme to make the new homeowners a sacrifice to the demons in order to keep the rest of the local population safe. This is not much of a spoiler – it is pretty much made explicitly clear after the first time Anne and Paul meet their new neighbors.

Anne thinks the ghostly presence in the house is their recently deceased son. Paul thinks Anne is just failing to cope with her grief. They invite over a couple of their hippie friends who immediately pick up on the evil that lives in the house. These hippie friends also have a son, who has a girlfriend. They stop by when the two other couples visit the town, and their lovemaking session gets rudely interrupted by the bloodthirsty demons. Who could have seen that coming?

This could have been a better B-movie if more of an effort had been put into the performances of the cast and also into the dialogue, which too often explains the obvious to the film’s audience. Sadly, most of this film feels like a minimum amount of effort had been put into the production. On a plus note, it has a short running time and it ends with a hilariously cheesy action set piece. It certainly is about average when it comes to VOD horror productions, though.

 

[Thinx]

Great review, useful to know. This sounds dull yet scary. How do they get the finance to make this kind of lacklustre stuff? Though the spatter fest maybe justifies the dullness. I was watching Teen Wolf recently while feeling at low energy and stuck on the sofa. But I just ran out of interest as there's no real development of the situation except to get more violent and bloodthirsty, which undermines the sometimes fun of the humour.

I'd contrast it with the Locke and Key series, that was more inventive and original, with good tension and a storyline that worked. Think they are making another series. But Teen Wolf was still way better than some of the mediocre teen spatter films.