I attended a speed dating event today

[FeatherBird]

Long story short, the event went well...until it didn't.

We had a 5 minute mini date with various attendees (the event lasted 2 hours; that means lots of 5 minute mini-dates). The mini-date part was the part that went well.

Then for the final 10 minutes of the event, the event became an open floor event (meaning anyone could mingle with anyone, we were encouraged to exchange contact information if we wanted, etc)

At the very beginning of the final 10 minutes, I asked about exchanging contact information with a woman I thought our 5 minute mini date went well with. I got turned down. I then went to talk to the woman I had my very first mini date with (as she was the only other woman who was by herself at that point). I never asked her for contact information (but I thought she might offer). No such luck.

There are a few other female attendees I wanted to ask (and my inkling tells me they might have said yeah). But they were already being swarmed by other men.

2 main problems that come with these type of events:

1. The gender ratio isn't in our favor (there were more male attendees than female attendees)
2. When the event becomes an open floor environment for the final 10 minutes, all that serves to do is humiliate those of us with ASD

 

[Raggamuffin]

Speaking with someone for 5 minutes and then exchanging contact info seems a little too quick.

I understand why that open floor exists at the end, but as you say - if it's a sausage fest. then it's not going to be easy to speak with the person you may wish to.

I'd try not to think of it's purpose as to humiliate you and others on the spectrum. A woman (NT or otherwise) could approach a man to exchange details if the vibe was good.

Ed

 

[Rodafina]

@FeatherBird
This sounds like a very unnatural and stressful way to try to make connections. Good on you for finding the courage to go and for trying, but I would hazard the guess that this event is not successful for the majority of participants.

I wonder if it might feel better to find organized events and activities that are based on long term sharing of mutual interests - like a hiking club, a games group, an art club or something else that fits with your interests.

 

[Zain]

Public humiliation for the bottom 80% of men.

 

[FeatherBird]

Speaking with someone for 5 minutes and then exchanging contact info seems a little too quick.

I understand why that open floor exists at the end, but as you say - if it's a sausage fest. then it's not going to be easy to speak with the person you may wish to.

I'd try not to think of it's purpose as to humiliate you and others on the spectrum. A woman (NT or otherwise) could approach a man to exchange details if the vibe was good.

Ed

You're right, a woman could approach a man to exchange contact information. But most won't. The rule of thumb is that the man is expected to make the first move.

My therapist said even though the man is no longer expected to make the first move in 100% of cases (like we were 5 decades ago), he'd estimate we're still expected to make the first move in 85-90% of cases.

What's extra unfortunate is: Some of the female attendees I wanted to chat with during the open session (but couldn't because they were already being chatted up by another guy) might have not even liked the guy chatting her up. In which case, he wasted his time and her time, as well as prevented me from possibly getting a number.

I have a strategy to circumvent the open floor problem next time I attend a speed dating event. I'm going to bring "business cards" (putting in quotes because the cards aren't really for business). The "business cards" will have basic information like my name, picture, birth year, and number. If I'm feeling a vibe during the 5 minute speed date, I'm going to give her my card.

For that matter, my cards could help me in other scenarios too. There have been instances through the years where a woman flirted with me, yet I failed to act on her flirt for various reasons (too socially awkward, too in shock, too busy). A "business card" could solve those problems. It only takes a second to give her the card. And once she has the card, it's up to her what to do with the card.

 

[FeatherBird]

@FeatherBird
This sounds like a very unnatural and stressful way to try to make connections. Good on you for finding the courage to go and for trying, but I would hazard the guess that this event is not successful for the majority of participants.

I wonder if it might feel better to find organized events and activities that are based on long term sharing of mutual interests - like a hiking club, a games group, an art club or something else that fits with your interests.

Speed dating is unnatural indeed. Everyone was forced to do a speed date with every opposite sex attendee. There were some female attendees I wasn't attracted to, yet had to do a speed date with anyway. Surely the same happened in reverse (female attendees forced to do a speed date with a male attendee she's not attracted to)

It's a damned if I do, damned if I don't scenario. Speed dating comes with the disadvantages we just covered. But at least you know everyone there is looking for a partner.

On the flipside, finding organized groups catered to one's interests is more natural...but comes with the disadvantage that not everyone there is looking for a partner.

 

[FeatherBird]

Public humiliation for the bottom 80% of men.

I've been rated an 8.5 and a 9 on the looks scale before

But the problem is a man with ASD is never going to be sexually exciting to a woman, no matter where he stands on the looks scale.

Even the likes of Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg would have little to no luck if it weren't for their money.

 

[thejuice]

You still have a chance if you score that high tbh.

 

[thejuice]

Was the background chatter quite distracting?

 

[thejuice]

I agree if a woman has lots of men orbiting around them it would put me off, too stressful, fear of failure and a feeling of indignity would kick in. Not really my scene, you'd have to have a really thick skin. Not even sure my type would go to an event like that, im not sure.

 

[thejuice]

But the problem is a man with ASD is never going to be sexually exciting to a woman, no matter where he stands on the looks scale.

Thats a good point. Im too serious, and small talk can feel on the formal side for it to be exciting. Thing is once i let my guard down i can be very silly, but it will take a lot of trust for that to happen. Definitely wouldnt happen on a speed date, walls would be up. I think what we can work on is getting the other person to open up. There is a saying that "the goal of small talk is not to be interesting, but to be interested"

 

[FayetheAspie]

@FeatherBird


I wonder if it might feel better to find organized events and activities that are based on long term sharing of mutual interests - like a hiking club, a games group, an art club or something else that fits with your interests.

It sounds like you would perhaps understand my posts on another thread where I expressed that I want someone to have the same special interests as me if I am to consider dating them. I think it is preferable to enjoy mostly the same things and be able to kind of relate to how each others brains work. I know that this does not matter to everyone. In fact, I get the impression that it is a rare view, nevertheless it is an extremely important factor to me.

 

[Captain Caveman]

I have heard the word "Speed dating" but where is it done?

Does one go up to a potential date and say "Hi. Want to go on a speed date with me?" (I don't think I would do that... )

 

[Judge]

I have heard the word "Speed dating" but where is it done?

Does one go up to a potential date and say "Hi. Want to go on a speed date with me?" (I don't think I would do that... )

LOL. Good point. I've heard of them for decades but never actually saw any place that advertised them. But then to me it seems more of an entertainment stunt than a serious way to meet people.

Extroverts may appreciate it I suppose...

 

[thejuice]

Maybe it was hook up culture before Tinder

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

i have never attended a speed dating event before, i feel tempted to give it a try.

 

[Judge]

Maybe it was hook up culture before Tinder

About 26 years ago.

 

[FeatherBird]

You still have a chance if you score that high tbh.

I should mention the 8.5 and 9 were outliers.

On average, I tend to get rated between 5 and 7.

 

[FeatherBird]

Was the background chatter quite distracting?

Yeah. Made it hard to hear each other at times.

 

[FeatherBird]

I agree if a woman has lots of men orbiting around them it would put me off, too stressful, fear of failure and a feeling of indignity would kick in. Not really my scene, you'd have to have a really thick skin. Not even sure my type would go to an event like that, im not sure.

It doesn't even have to be a lot of men. Simply having one man chatting with her once the event switched to an open floor still renders you unable to butt in.

That was the scenario I was in. There were a few participants I wanted to chat up during the open floor (and likely would have had a shot with)...but they each had one man who beat me to it.