I can't feel love for people!

[Jerome]

I rarely take part in discussions, but this has been a very enlightening topic. I was diagnosed with Aspergers at age 60. Sometimes I doubt the diagnosis, but then I run across something here with which I really identify. This is one such topic. In treatment for drugs and alcohol I was diagnosed as a potentially violent sociopath. I did not question the diagnosis. The evidence was apparent. I had a horrible rage problem. My chemical solution was marijuana. I grew up in an extremely violent alcoholic family in the middle of a very dangerous neighborhood. I adapted to my surroundings very well. It wasn't a loving environment. I became a user of people and a lover of things.

It wasn't until I was speaking at an AA meeting that a fellow Aspie alcoholic told me to consider another option to the one I had been given in treatment. Thus began a new phase of my life in recovery. Aspergers accounted for many oddities that I could not explain or accept. It was the last piece of the puzzle in the mysterious enigma that compiled the paradox that is my life.

In the AA fellowship I was showered with uncomfortable, unconditional love. I soon became comfortable with feeling uncomfortable. I was uncomfortable for two reasons. Unconditional love was a new concept to me. I had never felt accepted as I was, and I knew I did not feel for my fellow AA's the way they felt for me. Only when I started helping newcomers did I experience a semblance of unconditional love. In helping others I developed a new relationship with love that is based on loving actions, not loving feelings.

I do not have a great emotional capacity for love. I do not bond with people, nor do I miss them when they are not there. In my relationship with unconditional love I can see the shortcomings of other types of love, and understand why they could not remedy what ailed me. The love I did not receive in my formative childhood could only be found in a relationship void of judgment and expectations. I now feel very comfortable with unconditional love, and this has opened me up to romantic love. I am in love with one of my coworkers and she with me. Unfortunately, she is married with two kids. Thus the conundrum of loving feelings versus loving actions.

I was taught in AA to live by principles, so in this case I have chosen the loving action and leave my love in a unrequited state. It is a difficult road to traverse, but this is very familiar territory for me. I elicit very strong feelings of love, compassion and attachment from other people. This actually annoys me because they think their feelings entitle them to a place in my life. I know it confuses them when O don't allow it, but to come into my sphere of influence is even more confusing. Therefore, the loving action for both parties is a boundary between me and them thst I control.

In my newfound relationship with love is a newfound love for myself that has grown over the self-loathing I developed in my alcoholism and addiction. Martin Luther King Jr. said love is the only force that can turn an enemy into a friend. How true! My fellow AA's loved me until I could love myself. Today I am a friend to the former enemy in me. I do not take this gift lightly.

AA taught me to do small things with great love. They taught me that to act lovingly was to seek not to be understood, but to understand; seek not to be comfort but to comfort; seek not to be forgiven, but to forgive; seek not to be love, but to love, for it is in giving these things that we facilitate love in the world about us until love consumes us and makes us complete and wholly lovable."

 

[megacomic]

I'll keep this short; aside from my relationship with my mother and brother, I don't know if or when I've felt "love" towards someone.
I've had dating relationships in the past, and they all ended very nicely, no one was mad at the end. But I think that's because I don't know how to feel or care for the other person.
Is this an Asperger's trait? What causes it? I'm in my 30's and was diagnosed in my 20's, and I'm a woman.
I just don't know if I've ever felt anything for anyone, and I've known a lot of nice guys and nice people. I'm getting concerned because I want to get married, but I don't know what's going on! And I've met another great guy!
How does one become emotionally invested?
Thank you.

I used to feel that way but I found out it just takes me many years to truly love a person. Unfortunately we live in a day and age where we have instant access to millions of people at our fingertips so friendships and relationships that don't yield immediate gratification are disposable and switched for something else. There is no trust building what so ever it's give me what I want now or I'll find it somewhere else. That makes it truly difficult for me to invest in people as no one is willing to invest in me. So you actually could grow to love this guy but by the time you do he might already be looking at someone else.

 

[Bella Pines]

Yep definitely aspie. And if I had to take an unmedically trained guess I would say the cause is simple prolactin and oxytocin generation in the brain.

I chose my husband on genetic compatibility, logistical suitability and convenience. But the good news is that I learned to love him very deeply.

It's not that we can't feel love, I think it it's just that we have more control and don't get irrationally and erratically emotional. How is acting like an idiot and giggling any closer to real love?

I did have "emotions" for 6 months after my second child was born and it was a nightmare. Angry, ecstatic, sad. I couldn't really enjoy anything because I was stuck inside my own head. I wasn't more capable of love, I was just unstable.

So your capacity for love comes from deep within your soul and just because you don't go dancing around below someone's window singing and calling for him to let down his hair, doesn't mean you are any less capable of a deep and true love.

 

[Stitch]

I rarely have ever had a feeling of 'love' ...whatever that may be. I've felt respect, gratitude, loyalty, appreciation, protectiveness, concern -and altogether I think that's a better definition of 'love' than whatever the TV will give you.

There was one person who I fell for, hard. But it wasn't romantically; it was in friendship. And it wasn't a smooth road, considering my extremely limited experiences with friends and relationships in general. But overall it just went to show that the 'feelings' bit doesn't matter, because the friendship still had to be worked on by both of us and mature into something more.

In all honesty, my ideal for getting married is to have a best friend, and then one day the friend says, "You want to get married?" and I say "Sure" and we skip all the irrelevant bits involved with romance and gushy feelings.

I've never been involved in a romantic relationship and I'm not interested in one, but I can safely say I'd much rather make a marital commitment on the foundation of friendship than one of feelings. Don't depend on feelings of falling 'in love' -it's far more important to be with someone you trust.

 

[Melinoe16]

Sadly, I've come to realize that I've never felt love for anyone, male or female, but I have felt love for my cats. I would go so far as to say that cats have saved me through many days of depression and anger, the same I cannot say about people. Actually, I've never emotionally-bonded with anyone that came into my life which is kind of scary if you think about it...not being able to Love someone. I believe my future spouse will be a beautiful black cat dressed in a Tuxedo lol because all of the people I've encountered have said the same thing to me, "Grow up" or "Try to be normal" phrases I truly hate. People have been thorns and scourges.

 

[ImAnAspie]

I am that way as well. I just don't seem to be interested in having friends or a relationship. I'm 50 and have always been the same.

People come ang go into and out of my life. If they're in it, I don't mind but when they leave my life, I usually don't notice for a long time.

As far as love is concerned, I've only ever had one relationship in my life and I definitely don't want another one. I'm more than happy with my own company. No complications. No compromises. No aggression. For me, the pluses about being alone far outweigh the negatives. In fact, for me, there are no negatives about being alone. I've always been that way. Even as a kid, I didn't need friends.

 

[zylon]

I have a huge "love" part of my brain. Some people are extremely special and important to me, a "love at first sight". Just being with them would be the deepest happiness I can have, and being without them would be hell. I have been like this since early childhood, and it is totally non-sexual, at least in the adult sense of the word. My love for them is unconditional, deeply caring about their feelings, I want them to feel wanted, secure, and very happy. I want to be very close to them, almost merging with their soul. I can be very affectionate, warm, and cuddly, but no sex. I would give them all the attention they could ever want. I want to compliment them, and make them feel special. My love for them can never change, as long as they do not change. The love comes from intrinsic properties of them, and has nothing to do with what they do or what they can give me; it is unconditional.

 

[Knit Hat]

I have this problem too. Can't love anyone in a romantic way at all. I can care about people, even significant others, but I don't get the romantic feels, lol. I'm also very asexual, for lack of a better term. I really wish I wasnt, cuz I feel like sometimes I'm missing out on something, lol.

 

[OlLiE]

I'm not really sure i trust the concept of 'love'. I believe in evolution. We know the gestation period of a child is ca 9 months, we know children take years to become independent and need to be provided for until they are (although commercial marketing combined with parental ineptitude has convinced children that they are actually adults), and we know that puberty introduces hormones at which point people become more instinct driven for a couple of years.
The purpose of evolution is specialisation with a view to guaranteeing the continuation of the species. Basically most fundamental and deeply ingrained aspects of our humanity serve an animalistic survival purpose: fight or flight, the subjective and personal need to have children, parents' instinctive protectiveness of children, men's need to be the alpha male or join a group to ensure access to resources to provide for the family, jealousy of other males/females to ensure the passing of one's own genetic code etc. So is it a coincidence that fertility peaks at the same time that instinct enhancing/logic killing hormones and powerful, compelling and irrational 'love' feelings peak?
Humans have been instinct driven animals for much longer than they have been self conscious sentient beings with the capacity of self determination. Is the concept of emotional love not just a romantic description of the hormone induced instinctive need to procreate. Does it not just exist to switch off or weaken rationality, impregnate or become pregnant and then stick around to ensure the survival of the child.
Other than survival, there is no objective reason to experience love and have children. It's not like there aren't already enough people on the world already and the chance that any specific newborn will be the next Albert Einstein that will save the world is negligible.
In my opinion, when the hormones go away, and they largely have for me, all that remains is mutual acceptance and respect, friendship and a deep understanding of each other.
Love is just a hormone induced survival incentive. When people say they are looking for love i always wonder if they are just embellishing their instinctive need to procreate, making themselves feel bad if they don't find it, because they're not fulfilling their biological programming.

 

[SusanLR]

I've heard this logic on love before and the hormones for survival is true. I've went through all the different phases of life. Somehow at puberty, my procreation hormones must not have kicked in as I never felt that need. To have a romance, a child or sex.
But, the feeling of what I called " in love", did hit me in my 20's. The mushy, melting inside when I was held by this person. I felt this sensation two more times in my life, yet it did not drive me to want procreation or sex.
I describe it as not only an emotion of caring love, but, a sensation I can actually feel inside which seems to come from the physical heart area. Like a happy, loving feeling that pulls in that area of me when I am with the person or think of being with that person.
Same, only not as exciting, when I see something that brings to mind an act of love towards me from someone such as my parents. They were the only persons I can relate this feeling to. I am an only child so as for other relatives, I've only met a few. Never really knew them.
Since this feeling is around the physical heart area and not below the belt, I think of it as just love. No hormones needed. Only felt it for 3 people.

 

[AlFunk]

I know what it feels like to totally lack empathy. I definitely can love people in several ways, but when it comes to being able to understand another person's pain, not going to happen. I can see someone in pain and know that I have to help them and how to do it, but I can't look at them and feel their pain, or even care about what they are actually feeling. I just know that I can put a band-aid on a cut and then see if they stop complaining about the pain. People really don't like that, especially women who want me to get every facial expression as something that I need to analyze and then react to. So as far as love, I have been accused of being emotionally unavailable and someone who doesn't understand love. Oh well, I know that I can love someone and something. These become a part of me that I don't want to lose. If I don't care about losing the person or thing, then I really don't love it.

 

[Darius]

I was in some intensive relationships but afterwards I wonder if that was love.

I don't know what is love and how do you feel it. Leaving everybody and moving half a world away wasn't a problem. I left family and close friends behind. I do feel some kind if attachment and loyalty to people outside of my family. But I always thought it was more like friendship. I thought the numbered list from page 1 is what friendship looks like.

 

[AustinFrom1995]

I have never felt romantic love, and so I cannot comprehend it, and do not understand what it is that makes someone "fall" in love.

 

[SusanLR]

I have never felt romantic love, and so I cannot comprehend it, and do not understand what it is that makes someone "fall" in love.

I never felt it until I was 26, and then only a couple of times in my life. So, it might still hit you at your age yet.
I don't understand what makes people fall in love either.
It is just a feeling. Just like meeting someone you know you feel uncomfortable with or don't like, but, can't really say why. "Falling" in love is just like any other emotional feeling you may have around certain people.
Can't explain the why of it. Been a lot of scientific theories on why it happens. Looks, mutual likes, feeling comfortable with them, etc.
It's like saying you love animals, but you really love dogs and not cats too much. But, you love animals.
Make sense?

As far as not loving the world in general, I guess that's getting into that empathy matter again.
Some feel strong inner sensations at seeing someone suffer, some don't.
Some are traumatized at massive disasters, others can say "that's life" but don't feel anything about it.
The one that always got me was the seemingly common
reaction to world apocalypse. That's why Hollywood gets rich on those type of movies.
Save the world! Keep mankind going at all costs.
Why?
If the sun blew up tomorrow, let it blow.
Everything ends including this planet.

I know there are stages of development we go through in life. Some are common and called 'normal.'
If you missed some of these developmental phases you're in the minority and thought of as a monster.

But, what if everyone reacted sickened by the sight of blood and guts?
We wouldn't have any doctors or surgeons then, would we?
Look at a mosaic up close and you see many different pieces of colours. Stand back and look from a distance and you see the whole picture.

 

[Flinty]

I don't know that I've ever loved another human. I have been in some relationships, mostly because "that's what people do". Thankfully, no children have resulted from this, even though that is something "that people do".

That said, I might just be ready to love. Maybe. It varies from day to day.

 

[Fitzo]

I think being Aspie certainly makes finding someone you truly love much more difficult, but certainly not impossible. There are so many more things a partner needs to be than for NT's. Like someone who will allow you space when you need it without feeling rejected. Someone who doesn't constantly need to be in a group of people to feel popular. Someone who recognises how important routine is to you and is considerate. Someone who knows you are occasionally going to have emotional outbursts that likely have nothing to do with them but don't try to 'fix' you when you do. I could go on and on. All of these things on top of being physically attractive, having similar interests and willing to let the relationship develop at a pace you are comfortable with.
Clearly this would need to be a very special person and they don't grow on trees!
However if and when you do meet someone who ticks all (or enough of) the boxes you will just KNOW if it's love.
In my experience though, you may develop a very deep attachment which can be devastating to lose. But I guess that's a discussion for another thread.

 

[Uncertain ways]

For me the last time I was deeply in love was 2 years ago, when I was in a rather unhealthy connection. I think it was the intimate conversations, building up trust so we reached a point, where I felt that I can share my deepest secrets without being scared of him judging me. And in return he shared his, he trusted me and it made me love him so much. I just cared a lot about him and still do.

In my recent relationship which felt closer to reality and more to the ground, I felt love in terms of caring about him, wanting to spend time and sharing my inner world with him, but I did not reach the level I felt before and neither did he. It ended before it could develop. I wanted to show more, but maybe trust was missing and/or maybe we just weren't right for each other.

 

[risootser]

To love. Hmmm... I have certainly shared lots of time with other people and I have also had lots of good time with people. I think I'm bit drawn to be social. Have I done it because of love? Am I just interested to dig stuff about them and being outgoing? Maybe! I have never had issues with lack of friends. I just had enough of them and not popular just they way I wanted. In a way friend I know what friend is. I think I never struggled to draw a boundary. But do I get down to dig my own preferences a lot? No.

 

[Alexej]

Thank you @risootser for digging this thread up from the depths of history.
Interesting read

 

[unperson]

Ugh, I wish I felt less, you're kinda better off if you dont feel too much.