@Gritches
I feel you were not wrong in how you stated things, as you were showing frustration which showed you care. Kindness is shown by all your efforts, posts and likes, and can sometimes be shown by a gentle nudge too if the recipient seems not to be able to be helped out of just totally positive support because of their condition or situation. It can be difficult for caring persons to see persons in constant pain, so subconscious or conscious instinct may be on rarer occasion to try another approach to see if that works.
Remember, as all persons are different, even on the Spectrum, they all will not respond to positive messages the same. Some may interpret kindness as meaning just support or saying just what the other wants to hear. That could be sometimes be seen as enabling though. If the recipient does not see any wrong what they are doing, or is unable to see wrong because of their condition, or just seems to blames others or them, that victimization or hopeless or negative attitude will often not go away by just a one hundred percent positive approach; it would need the truth and more answers but worded in constructive way, to encourage some to act, as each person responds differently to things.
A drill instructor I feel is overly aggressive and negative, to all and often every time. They want persons to change often out of fear, not kindness or love. Yes, the desired results are often gotten, but at what price. That seemed not your intention. You just seemed to show frustration at the situation, as you felt maybe it was not hopeless to get out of that situation from your experiences, and you seemed to want to jump start things by showing tougher love. I have been on other anxiety, depression and shyness groups whereby it was mostly about the big, bad world and self pity. At surface level, that may help, but it can also keep persons down, and may sometimes lead to even deeper, darker or more prolonged thoughts, with less efforts given. Positive support and relating similar experiences can help, but it will take one only so far.
Often self-motivation is derived earlier in life through genetics or environmental conditioning to avoid pain and feel pleasure, but it can also instantaneously occur from hitting rock bottom, or becoming aware of a more urgent need, a need more than just support. It often means needing desperately something better, in order to fight for it, instead of just wanting it. Then things may change for the better. Whereas some persons in this world may always want to be victims, or not admit things, others do not and can do so. I think the op is showing signs he definitely wants a better life, and has tried many things, and that is the first start. He seems to have a sense of humor too which is good. And it seems from his suggestions or statements, he at least has a partial stated goal, of a relationship or companionship, and to get away from his current situation. That should be defined further though. That would be a next step. What type of relationship, and when to get away from his current home situation?
Once a goal is made, from my past research there must be steps made to achieve that goal. If the goal seems too big, overwhelming, impossible or unrealistic at the current time, one should break that goal down further first, or else the efforts to reach such will not be made. Once a reasonable goal is then picked, then one needs a plan of action, some belief, strength and desire to continue pursuing it, and then to act, and react properly, if alterations are needed. If that requires research, asking for help in devising a plan, a medication, hanging around positive persons who will encourage or help them to continue that path, or self help attempts to worry less, think more positive, or build self esteem, that can be started immediately.
Lots of people think thinking positively is very very difficult, and needs years to fix pessimistic thinking. Not really, once you set your mind you definitely need a better life, and are willing to either put forth more OR different efforts to get there.. Again, some may need meds, if it is a genetic or chemical imbalance for that anxiety or depression, but in my case after self analysis, it was my very poor traumatic environment that caused negative things, but I did not want to blame that very bad parenting to make me miserable forever. Once I hit rock bottom in my early twenties, with severe stress and anxiety, and throwing up daily, did I know I needed to change my perspective and put my energy elsewhere, or else I would succumb to that, instead of having self destructive and negative thoughts. I was smart enough to know though at that time, despite negative thinking, I had some positive foundation, as I knew I was a good person despite my severe social limitations and many bad experiences in life, and thankfully I was strong enough to keep those good qualities during those very tough times.
In my case, I decided to put forth my efforts into being around support groups that were more uplifting, and I researched self help things. I found techniques I could do immediately like changing my posture and expressions to trick my body to alter mood, and I had daily positive visualizations of me succeeding at things or being in relaxing places whenever I noticed such negative prolonged thoughts entering my mind. And I found ways to divert my mind from something negative to a different unrelated real positive life thing, and to change negative thoughts into positive ones. Regarding the latter, like instead of thinking, "Life is unfair. Look at all those people in relationships whereas I am alone," I would think, "Those relationships could be failing miserably. I am not ready for such. One day I will be stronger, wiser and healthier, be my best and the relationship will last."
Within about six weeks of these type of conscious efforts, and using humor if need be, too, I noticed positive developments. Positive thoughts occurred much, and more naturally, and I felt noticeably less stress, anxiety and depression, to the point I felt I was more in control of my life. I started focusing not only on the positive things about me, and my accomplishments, but the positive things about my life. I did not let certain others and events determine my mood, as even if I temporarily was not expecting such an obstacle, I now had confidence how to get out of that mood quickly or quicker. It is ok and natural for all to feel varying moods, as that is real and how we learn, too. The key is to not let distressing feelings last longer than needed.
So, by saying all of this, I do see the value in being constructively positive to persons who are either reaching out for help or are good persons, as I like helping and often now try to see the good in things, but I was not always this way though. Through my twenties I hated my severe shyness and social anxiety condition, and the fact others had friends and were in relationships where I had none. I saw things as hopeless then, and saw myself as a victim. In my case, I was very self-aware and pushed myself for answers, once I felt the end was near if I did not change my attitude, direction, or something about me. But, not everyone can do that, they need sometimes a friendly push or possible answers from others, instead of it coming from themselves, to see things clearer, and to be motivated to act.
Your frustration shown I have felt too. I have posted some of this information before, and got very little if any feedback, despite seeing some persons that could have considered trying such when requesting or suggesting a need for assistance. Its easier often for one to think, "Well, I want the world to change instead as they are the bad ones, or I want to be loved for being me. Take me as I am. Or he does not know me, has a different condition or life experiences, so no thanks for the suggestions. I will find something else." My thoughts then would be, "Well, ok, at least I tried my best, as have others on this forum have tried various approaches, too, whether through support, other suggestions, or sometimes, more directly with the colder truth. Nobody knows what approach will work best, as we have different stressors, strengths, and ways to be motivated, if we cannot be motivated from within. As long as respect is shown, and good intention there, all is well in my mind.
You've made it more than clear in your time here that you do care about people, and you've given lots of good input in that light around the forum.
