I might be mean

[Neia]

So... have you ever answered a phone call, or met a friend or family member and they ask how you're doing?

Most likely the answer is yes.

It took me nearly 5 decades, but I finally realised, and internalised, that most people really don't want an honest answer to that question.

In the past, I'd start answering and then would let them cut me off, because I didn't want to bother them.
I'd always be caught by surprise when they'd cut me off, but I assumed that that's just how things are, and I'd let them veer off into another subject, usually about themselves.

Now I think I'm mean.
When people ask me how I'm doing, I reply honestly, and then if they want to change the subject I don't let them.

I mean... if they don't want to hear a real answer, don't ask the question.

Maybe this way they'll start leaving me alone, instead of feigning interest in my problems.

If they want to talk about themselves, start the conversation with: I've got to tell you what's happened with me...

Sorry... I'm feeling rather salty.

 

[Misty Avich]

It is very commonly discussed on autism sites that when asking "how are you?" you aren't meant to say how you really are, but in my experience with people I've often asked people how they are and they've given me how they're really feeling. Not just to me but to each other as well.

Maybe it depends on the context and how close you are to a person?

You're not mean, by the way.

 

[SusanLR]

I mean... if they don't want to hear a real answer, don't ask the question.

This has always been my attitude also.

I never understood those social niceties greetings. So fake.
A nod or smile is about all they will get out of me.
That is all I want out of them.

The receptionist or nurse that calls you into a doctor's appointment aggravates me
the most. I was always in a bad mood when I had to see a doctor anyway.
Then to be called in with a big smile and "How are you doing today?"

When I was younger, my reply was: "Not good or I wouldn't be here."
I would look around and see elderly people that looked like they were really ill,
sitting around with big smiles on their face that lit up even more when called in by the nurse.
I mean, these people could be told by the doctor they were terminal, and nothing could be done, and they still look at them like they are adored. Smiling.

Other situations I can usually get by without being asked this question by just not looking them in the eyes.
Phone calls? Don't get many. And if I don't know the number, I don't answer.
They can leave a message.

Quip from a movie I found truthful...
Two angels in human form are riding in a car. One asks the other how is he doing?
He replies, "Fine. I'm fine. You're fine. Everyone is fine."
Other angel tells him he doesn't look fine and why did he say that?
His answer: "I don't know. But it seems to be what humans like saying."

 

[FayetheAspie]

I don't see anything wrong with being friendly and inquiring about someone's well-being. If "fine" would not currently be truthful, " not that great right now, how about you? " I think to be an ok response. If they are genuinely concerned they may inquire further and then you can tell them what is bothering you if you are comfortable doing so. If they don't ask the conversation can end. Either way you were able to be both honest and polite.

 

[FayetheAspie]

There is a lot of fake friendliness in the world, but not every smile or inquiry about one's well-being is fake.

 

[TBRS1]

My handy list of questions that are not questions, and what they really mean (intended as satire. Not to be taken seriously):

How are you? = I am pretending to be interested in your life because I expect you to listen to me talk about my life.

Do you want to see my vacation photos? = I'm going to spend the next 20 minutes telling you about places you don't want to go to, and about people you don't know.

What do you know about [subject]? = I want to tell you all my radical thoughts about [subject] that I got from somebody on the internet a little while ago.

Would you like to get a cup of coffee? = I think you're cute.

Is that what you wanted to happen? = You are such an idiot.

Do you really think I'm going to fall for that? = That information irrefutably proves me wrong so I'm going to pretend I think you're a liar, and shout.

 

[Outdated]

There is a lot of fake friendliness in the world, but not every smile or inquiry about one's well-being is fake.

I agree with that. Most of us can tell the difference between standard greeting protocol and genuine enquiry, and people will often avoid genuine enquiry unless they are very close to you because quite often it can be seen as encroaching on privacy.

 

[Neia]

I agree with that. Most of us can tell the difference between standard greeting protocol and genuine enquiry, and people will often avoid genuine enquiry unless they are very close to you because quite often it can be seen as encroaching on privacy.

My annoyance is with those friends (acquaintances) and family who ask "How are you, how have you been?" and I am either forced into a "OK I guess..." and then they move on to talk about anything else.

Or I say "Not so good." and they go "Oh well, we can't have everything." or say something like "Oh really? What happened? " but then, if I try to elaborate, they throttle my words, cutting off whatever else I'm trying to say, and move on to telling me about how the clerk in that shop treated them disrespectfully, or how the cheese they bought was the wrong one

Now, if people try to do this, I'll keep pushing, and they'll be like "Yes... but did I tell you how my seamstress botched my new dress?", and I'll give them the same treatment "Really? How awful. But anyway, continuing what I was saying, I'm having trouble with being able to sleep, I might try lettuce tea next."

Some of them will make a face like they are sucking on a lemon at this point.

 

[jsilver256]

If the autistics and NTs were switched in proportions, then being NT would be the disorder. I've accepted most have very little interest in what I actually have to say (even if I can say it) and the best way to have a conversation is to get them monologuing about themselves.

 

[Rodafina]

My annoyance is with those friends (acquaintances) and family who ask "How are you, how have you been?" and I am either forced into a "OK I guess..." and then they move on to talk about anything else.

Or I say "Not so good." and they go "Oh well, we can't have everything." or say something like "Oh really? What happened? " but then, if I try to elaborate, they throttle my words, cutting off whatever else I'm trying to say, and move on to telling me about how the clerk in that shop treated them disrespectfully, or how the cheese they bought was the wrong one

Now, if people try to do this, I'll keep pushing, and they'll be like "Yes... but did I tell you how my seamstress botched my new dress?", and I'll give them the same treatment "Really? How awful. But anyway, continuing what I was saying, I'm having trouble with being able to sleep, I might try lettuce tea next."

Some of them will make a face like they are sucking on a lemon at this point.

Sounds tiring and contentious. I think I might choose quiet and spend my energy on explaining my feelings to someone who genuinely cares. I’d rather tell my worries to the trees or the stars than fight through conversation like this.

 

[Jumpinbare]

Occasionally if I feel energetic enough I will answer "How are you?" with one of the following:
Better than a 2 x 4 in the face.
Exceptionally fair to middling.
Outstandingly so-so.

Usually there are no followup questions.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

I don't see anything wrong with being friendly and inquiring about someone's well-being. If "fine" would not currently be truthful, " not that great right now, how about you? " I think to be an ok response. If they are genuinely concerned they may inquire further and then you can tell them what is bothering you if you are comfortable doing so. If they don't ask the conversation can end. Either way you were able to be both honest and polite.

I like FayetheAspie's advice above. I think there is a way to be honest and respectful, too. I might give an answer like, "I've been better, but things aren't bad. How about you?" Caring people will probably ask more questions. Either way, I think most people will respect the honesty and comfort I have with myself, because I can tell the truth without making a drama out of things, or being too needy.

 

[SusanLR]

Family or friends would be a different answer.
I don't have any family, so I never have that encounter.
Friends or acquaintances I know well probably mean what they say.

It is the fake greetings from people that I don't know, and they don't know me, such as being called into a doctor's office or some other business place that I usually don't give the expected big smile and replies to.
It is just something that they have been taught to do for their type of employment.
I guess it would be called some type of courtesy greeting. I don't find it necessary, yet most people seem to really feel a lifted spirit from it. Or so they act as they do.

Just call me in for an appointment or to the desk and keep it what it is. Business.
I wonder if this is the expected norm in business appointments around the world.
It seems very societal or culturally created.

 

[velociraptor]

I am trying to be more positive, so if someone asks how I am doing I will say I am doing well. If I am not drunk, sick, or dead, I think I am honestly doing okay and don't mind saying so.

 

[AprilR]

I always say fine, never how i really am doing. Bc i can't imagine anyone wants to know about my depression or anxiety. No one likes negativity

 

[Forest Cat]

I used to have some problems with that question, because I told people how I was doing. But I eventually learned that it often is just a way to open a conversation. Gotta start somewhere. People usually don't want a long, detailed explanation of how I'm actually doing.

Now I just say "I'm doing ok, how about you". I think that works fine.

 

[Misty Avich]

Quite ironic that autistic people are supposed to have difficulty expressing their feelings yet have no difficulty telling people how we're feeling when asked, even if it is at the wrong time. Bit confusing there.

I don't have difficulty expressing my feelings (but I do have difficulty NOT expressing my feelings), but usually when asked how I am I don't usually go into how I'm really feeling. Even as a child if a teacher asked how I was as a greeting at the beginning of the day or something, I was usually thinking "I don't like school and I want to go home" but instead I'd just say, "fine."

 

[velociraptor]

My boss asked me today how I am doing. I told him I am here with you and not on a river with my paddle board.

He should honestly know better than to ask by now. It's on him.

 

[thejuice]

If the autistics and NTs were switched in proportions, then being NT would be the disorder. I've accepted most have very little interest in what I actually have to say (even if I can say it) and the best way to have a conversation is to get them monologuing about themselves.

I do that, I ask questions and let them talk. Ive learned not to butt in when i have something to say. I often get the timing wrong and it really kills the conversation stone dead. So I just let them waffle and I'll guide them in different directions with the odd bit of encouragement. Like an NT shepherd.

 

[Cutesie]

I understand the question and its purpose but really hate it. A recent mistake was articulating those feelings to some relatives. You can likely imagine how our conversation starters have gotten even more awkward. Telling an NT about what bothers you isn't always the best idea.