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I need a drink or a few right now.

Metalhead

Metalhead

Video game and movie addict. All for gay pride.
V.I.P Member
My vacation was a disaster.

And I go back to work tomorrow.

And a lifetime of resentments that I keep trying to sweep under the rug by trying to forgive my abusers and absolve them of all responsibility for their actions keeps coming back to my mind today.

I need a few drinks.
 
You have my sympathy and my prayers. Turning to alcohol is not a great solution though. It can make your life worse in the long run. I am glad that you are trying to forgive those who have wronged you. Forgiveness helps you not to be bound by anger and hate. I don't know how you mean absolving them of all responseability. You don't have to pretend someone did nothing wrong or wear their guilt on yourself to forgive. Just choose not to hold on to anger and choose to be kind to them in spite of whatever wrong they did. We should treat others how we want to be treated not how they treat us. However, that does not mean that you can not be cautious around someone if you know that they can not be trusted.
 
One thing I learned with manipulators is forgive doesn't mean forget. You can forgive them for your benefit but you don't have to welcome them in your life or behave like nothing happened. They hurt you and may continue to do so. If you have to get exposed to them then that leaves you more vulnerable.

You need to stop drinking, and never touch alcohol again so you can get past that hurdle too, and gain a better life and a chance to process all these feelings and situations.

Have you talked to your doctor about the drinking problem maybe they can offer assistance and medicine.
 
@Metalhead I thought I recall you saying you smoked cannabis recently or still do on occasion or something? Maybe that's not the case and my memory was incorrect.

The times that you do smoke cannabis or have in the past: Does it trigger or exacerbate your desire for alcohol?
 
@FayetheAspie is right. You cannot take fault, that isn't yours. Only take responsibility for what you have done and forgive yourself.

Do not absolve your abusers, nor remove the responsibility from them. You have no control over whether they abuse you or not. You only have control of your life.

Forgive, but never forget. Be the person they cannot ever perceive. Be the best you. Remove the darkness of your life. Do not allow them to have an inch in your life, or they will take a mile and then some.

Most importantly. Do not drink. Your urge to drink alcohol to cope with the pain, is really your brain lying to you. Making you think it's the only out. It's not.

Take some time for yourself. Think about what went wrong and avoid those negative things, here on out. Let life teach you lessons. They will hurt. But the pain is temporary, compared to the pain of misery from returning to drinking.

Run towards the fire and fight. Do not let the unknowns scare you. Let them guild you to new ground. Be free. Be the best you.
 
You were brave and kind to do this but you have to keep an eye on them because they will show that they aren't changing at some point. And you have to be cautious, some people serially do this and have no interest in change, the character of the person is rotten and will take advantage of people. I would not admire their apparent success but pity their actions and people in their lives.
 
Forgive is cool. Absolution though? What have they done since to deserve absolution? Have a glass of water instead of booze. No judgement, just a gentle suggestion.
 
I am still sober.

And I am still very angry with people telling me it is my duty to make amends to the people who hurt me, instead of the other way around. Why should I shoulder that burden? Why should I feel sorry for people who molested me when I was a child? Why should I let people who stole from me back into my life? Why should I make amends to people who violated every personal boundary I put before them just for the hell of it?

Why am I the monster in this whole situation?
 
what kind of amends are you being told to make? For something unrelated to what they did to you? Or for that? Who is telling you to do this?
 
Rocco said:
what kind of amends are you being told to make? For something unrelated to what they did to you? Or for that? Who is telling you to do this?
Click to expand...
My 12 step people are telling me I should make amends to the people who violated my boundaries just because I am still angry with them. Not because I said or did anything to them, but because I believe I deserve a better life than that.
 
I think maybe Either you misunderstood the 12 step people, or they misunderstood you. They can’t be that stupid to suggest amends based on what you said.
Is this from a book or someone or your sponsor actually say this amends thing when you explained?
If they have a clear understanding of your past and still recommend this amends course for the reasons you specified, maybe find new 12 step folks. What does your sponsor say?
 
Isn’t there something about not making amends when it will cause harm?
 
Twelve Step is evil. No amends needed. You have a lifetime of abuse, insecurity, trauma, ptsd, depression to deal with this. You have tried to buy happiness thru shopping, drinking, smoking, etc., and you still struggle, do you believe you owe your family anything? This abuse you suffered, many parents try to brainwash their kids it's just normal, or it's their fault, or they wanted it, or they consented to it. It's all nonsense. And they even say you lied when you confront them. l am on that path also. It's a lonely path you walk, don't give in.
 
I am the official retard in the family. Nobody in my blood family takes me seriously. My mother keeps telling everybody that I remember things differently than how they actually happened. She keeps telling people I have severe cognitive disabilities, and she hates the doctors who tell me that I do not.

I am tired of the gaslighting I get not only from my blood family but also from 12-steppers who claim that all alcoholics have to make amends to their families because nobody in AA deserves to have their own boundaries.
 
I owe my family and AA nothing.

Forget those worthless people.

My mother legitimately told me to not seek out mental health care several years ago when I was extremely suicidal - she claimed getting my medications adjusted was a waste of money and that if I was hospitalized, I would lose my job and that would be worse than killing myself or something like that. My mother kept on telling me that going to a psych ward was no different than checking into a five star resort hotel for a luxury vacation and she seriously expected me to believe that. My mother is also a hardcore socialist who believes that if somebody is too ill to work, they are worthless scum to society.
 
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I don’t want to die but I am not too keen on living any longer, either.
 
I am going to seriously stop telling my mother any details about my life. Earlier today, I told her I did not go to the gym today because it got crowded on Sunday afternoons, and she responded by accusing me of telling her bizarre lies in reaction to something as simple as that. I hate my blood family. I would rather die than talk to any of them again. A bullet in my brain is less painful than the nonstop stream of gaslighting and disvalidation I get from these people.
 
All I know is that sobriety is the only path toward making things better, if there is one at all. Alcohol is just defeat and more punishment, like adding insult to injury.

Obviously plenty of people drink and do what they think is best for them, but I think they often come to sincerely regret it. Even in the moment, it doesn't really stop the heartbreak or trauma, we all just pretend like it does. It's an empty promise across the board.
 
Suicide is very appealing to me at the present moment, to be completely honest.
 
The pain you feel now, seems almost like anguish, a deep compound pain, in response to people speaking without full understanding.

Here in this place amongst those who "get it" you are listened to, believed, validated and are in gentle company.
 
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