I need a drink or a few right now.

[Rodafina]

The only reason I even considered forgiving the unforgivable was because people in AA kept on telling me I would never be sober if I did not forgive and forget.

I don't think the message you got from those people is very helpful. It's too simple. Forgiving the unforgivable is very complex and may take a lifetime to figure out.

The one who truly deserves and requires forgiveness for you to move on is yourself and the younger version of yourself who grew up in the environment that you did.

Forgiveness for something so egregious as what you experienced may be something that comes down the road, after you've lived a long life, or it may not come at all. We are not required to forgive abuse to live a more content life.

Seeing as you are still consistently in contact with them, perhaps gaining space from your family is the first step.

 

[All-Rounder]

"Almost everyone has experienced being wronged by someone. It could be a former co-worker, friend, or family member. But hanging on to those negative feelings can do great harm to your health.

"Forgiving a person who has wronged you is never easy, but dwelling on those events and reliving them over and over can fill your mind with negative thoughts and suppressed anger," says Dr. Tyler VanderWeele, co-director of the Initiative on Health, Religion, and Spirituality at the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health. "Yet, when you learn to forgive, you are no longer trapped by the past actions of others and can finally feel free."

Learning to let go
There are two sides to forgiveness: decisional and emotional. Decisional forgiveness involves a conscious choice to replace ill will with good will. "You no longer wish bad things to happen to that individual," says Dr. VanderWeele. "This is often quicker and easier to accomplish."

For emotional forgiveness, you move away from those negative feelings and no longer dwell on the wrongdoing. "Emotional forgiveness is much harder and takes longer, as it's common for those feelings to return on a regular basis," says Dr. VanderWeele. "This often happens when you think about the offender, or something triggers the memory, or you still suffer from the adverse consequences of the action."

Practicing forgiveness can have powerful health benefits. Observational studies, and even some randomized trials, suggest that forgiveness is associated with lower levels of depression, anxiety, and hostility; reduced substance abuse; higher self-esteem; and greater life satisfaction. Yet, forgiving people is not always easy."

More information at
The power of forgiveness - Harvard Health

 

[AspieChris]

The only reason I even considered forgiving the unforgivable was because people in AA kept on telling me I would never be sober if I did not forgive and forget. I was being pressured to forgive the unforgivable.

I have had enough.

I have to love myself. Nobody else is going to love me.

I call B.S. on the whole idea of “forgive and forget”.

Would you expect a Jew in 1945 to forgive and forget the Nazis who murdered their whole family and millions of others?

Should Charles Manson have been let out of prison because the families of those who were slaughtered in their homes had “forgiven” him.

Manson didn’t actually kill anyone, yet they died because of his psychological power he held over his followers.

My mother was like Manson. Never actually pulling the trigger and killing me, but leaving me feeling like killing myself every time she spoke to me.

When I realized it in those terms….. the answer was obvious. Break out of the concentration camp, steer clear of anyone who even knew Charles Manson, or and start over.

It was really hard. It took about 10 years to stop being angry. But it probably saved my life.

 

[AspieChris]

There’s a quote from “War Games”, a 1980’s movie with Matthew Broderick, that I now pattern my life decisions around:

“The only winning move is not to play”

It’s not your game to win. The game is really about control. Control over you. And a parent has a 20 year head start over a child in making up their own rules.