I need a drink or a few right now.

[Misery]

I am going to seriously stop telling my mother any details about my life. Earlier today, I told her I did not go to the gym today because it got crowded on Sunday afternoons, and she responded by accusing me of telling her bizarre lies in reaction to something as simple as that. I hate my blood family. I would rather die than talk to any of them again. A bullet in my brain is less painful than the nonstop stream of gaslighting and disvalidation I get from these people.

I keep wondering why you even bother talking to them. Like, do you NEED to? Is it for some reason a requirement related to something you want to or must accomplish?

Or are you doing it out of a habit you cannot seem to break?

It's the same with the "12 step" thing or whatever it's called. So much of what you've said about them seems to say that they are the opposite of actually being helpful.

So... why even interact?

Why not just drop the bloody mic and walk away?

If you keep allowing them to have a voice in your world, they're never going to shut the heck up.

 

[Metalhead]

I keep wondering why you even bother talking to them. Like, do you NEED to? Is it for some reason a requirement related to something you want to or must accomplish?

Or are you doing it out of a habit you cannot seem to break?

It's the same with the "12 step" thing or whatever it's called. So much of what you've said about them seems to say that they are the opposite of actually being helpful.

So... why even interact?

Why not just drop the bloody mic and walk away?

If you keep allowing them to have a voice in your world, they're never going to shut the heck up.

I should sever all ties with all of them. You are correct. I will end up killing myself if I keep talking to any of them.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

And a lifetime of resentments that I keep trying to sweep under the rug by trying to forgive my abusers and absolve them of all responsibility for their actions keeps coming back to my mind today.

Do you feel compelled to forgive them now? A lot of what you've described sounds unforgivable. You might feel happier acknowledging how you feel and seeing if forgiveness comes, over the years. Though, I'm not saying it has to, necessarily.

 

[All-Rounder]

My 12 step people are telling me I should make amends to the people who violated my boundaries just because I am still angry with them. Not because I said or did anything to them, but because I believe I deserve a better life than that.

You are right, the ones in the wrong would have to make amends, it is for those who harmed someone, people may not mean it this way.

a•mend (əˈmɛnd)

v.t.
1. to modify, rephrase, or add to or subtract from (a bill, constitution, etc.) by formal procedure: Congress may amend the proposed tax bill.
2. to change for the better; improve.
3. to remove or correct faults in; rectify.
v.i.
4. to grow or become better by reforming oneself.

Can have a different meaning if they mean to improve the future of your outcome in life and not let the past get to you. To make due with what happened, forgive and be able to move on. Maybe to provide relief to yourself. I've heard it being used to mean "to forgive" though it's not supposed to mean that.

 

[AndyFBlues]

I should sever all ties with all of them. You are correct. I will end up killing myself if I keep talking to any of them.

Having family is supposed to make our lives better, not be a source of anger and bad memories. Sadly, I have family members that I don't talk to anymore. It is healthier for me to just move on. I can't change the past and I don't want to waste my time being bitter.

 

[Rodafina]

I should sever all ties with all of them. You are correct. I will end up killing myself if I keep talking to any of them.

Metalhead, I think you'd find a lot of support here for actually cutting those ties. Plenty of people on the forum have had to do that.

What would it look like to really take this step? What kind of support would you need that your family currently gives?

 

[FayetheAspie]

I should sever all ties with all of them. You are correct. I will end up killing myself if I keep talking to any of them.

In that case,then yes please just quit communicating with them if possible. If not limit communication as much as possible and perhaps look for ways to move.Your life is valuable.

 

[Judge]

I am still sober.

And I am still very angry with people telling me it is my duty to make amends to the people who hurt me, instead of the other way around. Why should I shoulder that burden? Why should I feel sorry for people who molested me when I was a child? Why should I let people who stole from me back into my life? Why should I make amends to people who violated every personal boundary I put before them just for the hell of it?

Why am I the monster in this whole situation?

It sounds like you are caught between the dynamics of an incredibly abusive family, and AA that lives by a fundamental tenet that it is necessary for you to ask forgiveness and letting go of resentments that are perceived as absolutely necessary for sobriety itself. And that having to deal with these "opposing forces" is tearing you apart. Quite understandable, too.

I can only guess that as long as you remain in AA's orbit that they will stress such a point to you. Whereas it would seem that an alternative to AA may well be in order, to better deal with both your sobriety and to acknowledge a toxic, abusive family for the damage they have done to you. Where seeking their forgiveness remains a problem and not a solution, contrary to AA's mentality.

Ironic to think that in this instance, AA is likely an enabler when it comes to your unfortunate relationship with your immediate family. For many they can be of great assistance. For others, not so much.

https://alcohol.org/alcoholics-anonymous/alternatives-to-the-aa-approach/

 

[DrBadStrings]

My vacation was a disaster.

And I go back to work tomorrow.

And a lifetime of resentments that I keep trying to sweep under the rug by trying to forgive my abusers and absolve them of all responsibility for their actions keeps coming back to my mind today.

I need a few drinks.

In response to the title of your post you really don't need one. Speaking as an alcoholic in recovery it never actually solves things and often just makes everything worse.

To the point of your abusers and forgiveness, I wouldn't be looking to do that. Not everyone and everything deserves forgiveness. But what you do deserve is to let go of your resentment and move on with your own life. Easier said than done. But that's where the focus should be.

 

[AspieChris]

I disowned my father at 19. I disowned my whole family, even siblings and grandparents at 30. My dad my dad was just absent and my mother was a lot like yours. I cut out siblings and grandparents because I knew she would use them to get to me. It was stressful, but it was the best damn decision I ever made.

Change your phone number and get a large angry dog. People will say “but she’s your mother”. I say “but you are her son”

You don’t deserve to feel like dying. ANYONE who does that to you has no place in your life.

 

[Metalhead]

The fact that my mother decided to not give me any validation over something as simple as me saying my gym got crowded on Sunday afternoons says a lot. She refuses to take anything I say at face value. I should have expected that by this point.

I need to focus on being my best self instead of continuing to bang my head against this particular wall.

 

[Metalhead]

I get nothing but gaslighting from everybody in my blood family. My mother actually told me she found it hard to believe that my sexual partners would not want her to have their phone numbers in case I die in a car crash or something like that. My mother also told me she believes my current therapist would bend and break under her will unlike my past therapist who told her she would not discuss our sessions with her at all.

Everybody in my family keeps on telling me that my mother is my number one advocate, despite the fact that my mother is always telling everybody not to take anything I say seriously.

My blood family is dead to me now. I have my own path to walk.

 

[Metalhead]

I need to reach the point where this poison bounces off my skin instead of sinking into my soul.

 

[Aspychata]

I have extremely limited interaction with the mom/brother clique, because l know it will backfire and then l am blamed. Yet l have had a long-term relationships, held jobs, bought homes, changed career fields, but l am nothing around "them", so l no longer need their validation. Is it sad, yes, l truly never felt l had a mother. But l can go full speed ahead without explaining my life to anyone.

 

[Metalhead]

The only reason I even considered forgiving the unforgivable was because people in AA kept on telling me I would never be sober if I did not forgive and forget. I was being pressured to forgive the unforgivable.

I have had enough.

I have to love myself. Nobody else is going to love me.

 

[Judge]

The only reason I even considered forgiving the unforgivable was because people in AA kept on telling me I would never be sober if I did not forgive and forget. I was being pressured to forgive the unforgivable.

I have had enough.

I have to love myself. Nobody else is going to love me.

Can't blame you. In this instance I think AA's dogma doesn't work. Worse that they're so prone to try to ram it down your throat without exception. Your situation IMO absolutely merits an exception here. Which prompted me to think there must be an alternative to them that doesn't operate identically.

Makes me think of "Synanon" and how dogmatic and cult-like they were about their program.

 

[Metalhead]

I think my mother seriously wants me to develop an eating disorder at this point. Every time I talk to her, she is trying to convince me to disregard my doctor’s advice for weight loss and to keep myself under 1000 calories a day while taking “totally safe” diet supplements that I refuse to ingest because I care about my health. On the other hand, she also is aggressively campaigning for me to bring back high fructose corn syrup
Into my diet as she claims my resolve to give that up is a sign of my mental illness. And every time I talk to her, she keeps on bringing up that I am overweight and she keeps on saying she is shaming me over this because she loves me and she does not want me to die prematurely, and when I tell her I get the point, she becomes even more aggressive with this BS immediately.

 

[All-Rounder]

I think my mother seriously wants me to develop an eating disorder at this point. Every time I talk to her, she is trying to convince me to disregard my doctor’s advice for weight loss and to keep myself under 1000 calories a day while taking “totally safe” diet supplements that I refuse to ingest because I care about my health. On the other hand, she also is aggressively campaigning for me to bring back high fructose corn syrup
Into my diet as she claims my resolve to give that up is a sign of my mental illness. And every time I talk to her, she keeps on bringing up that I am overweight and she keeps on saying she is shaming me over this because she loves me and she does not want me to die prematurely, and when I tell her I get the point, she becomes even more aggressive with this BS immediately.

That's a can of worms you have to deal with. It's not your responsibility to educate her or explain especially since you already did but it sounds like the best thing is to avoid the topic of your health because it opens Pandora's box. And it's not her place or responsibility to take care of your health, you go to professionals. You have to set a limit and find a way to follow through. Like say I'm not going to talk about this to anyone else than my doctor. And when she continues silence and get distance and go away.

 

[DrBadStrings]

The only reason I even considered forgiving the unforgivable was because people in AA kept on telling me I would never be sober if I did not forgive and forget. I was being pressured to forgive the unforgivable.

I have had enough.

I have to love myself. Nobody else is going to love me.

You are absolutely right in that you have to love yourself first and foremost.

I've always had problems with AA myself as AA is far to ridged in their thinking. AA has always seemed black and white in their thinking. You either do X exactly or you fail, and when you fail it's all your fault and not AA's. While I think a group of folks with like minded problems working together is a good thing, AA forgets that there has been almost 100 years advancement in the understanding of alcoholism, addiction, and mental health in general.

As I said above you don't need to learn to forgive others. But you do need to learn to let go of your resentment towards others. The two are not the same and giving up the resentment doesn't mean folks are forgiven. There are some things I feel honestly should never be forgiven.

 

[Mr. Stevens]

I think my mother seriously wants me to develop an eating disorder at this point. Every time I talk to her, she is trying to convince me to disregard my doctor’s advice for weight loss and to keep myself under 1000 calories a day while taking “totally safe” diet supplements that I refuse to ingest because I care about my health. On the other hand, she also is aggressively campaigning for me to bring back high fructose corn syrup
Into my diet as she claims my resolve to give that up is a sign of my mental illness. And every time I talk to her, she keeps on bringing up that I am overweight and she keeps on saying she is shaming me over this because she loves me and she does not want me to die prematurely, and when I tell her I get the point, she becomes even more aggressive with this BS immediately.

That sounds awful and really difficult. Throughout my childhood and early adult years, I was always told I weighed too much or too little. No weight was right. I was criticized for either wanting the same foods too much or constantly changing my preferences. None of this was accurate, of course. Some think finding flaws is the same as being right. They are always searching for absolute correctness.