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I Think I Have Finally Started to Understand Love

Jonn said:
I avoid stepping on ants.
I rescue snails and worms.
Seeing mistreatment of animals on youtube breaks my heart.

Yes...
Those on the spectrum often have an enormous affinity with animals...
Particularly the non-human sort of animal. :cool:
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I can confirm. People are tiring and judgemental. My dog never judges me.
 
AuDHDMom said:
Love has so many meanings and everyone would describe the way love feels differently.

The love I feel for my children makes me feel like my heart will explode and talking about them will bring me to tears.

My husband of 35yrs is kind of like a comfortable sweater that makes me feel safe and happy, until I need space then it can feel oppressive and I just need to take it off for a few minutes to cool down and regulate.

Love doesn’t have to feel like it seems to in the movies, that’s unrealistic. That expectation causes a lot of grief in relationships.

I think if your autism includes alexatxymia, you may just not be in touch with the feelings that those love hormones affect. But a lot of us get in touch with our emotional side under stress, so you may not be aware of the feeling of love until a break up. Then the absence feels like a huge hole.
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Interesting. I always knew I have had something like that. I could talk to my therapist about it.
 
thejuice said:
I've always hated soppy films. And kissing scenes bleuugghh!! *shudder*
I remember asking for a mother's day card that was funny, because I didn't like sentimentality and the shop staff was shocked. Maybe it was rude lol. But the messages in the cards made my skin crawl, could just imagine mum laughing at the insincerity 🤣
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for me personally i like romance and all the sentimentality and sappiness in fiction a tiny bit but not in reality in the slightest it repulsees me irl.
 
Neonatal RRT said:
After some 40 years with the same girl, "love" still seems a bit cryptic to me. We are great life partners, no doubt, but I don't think I express, feel, or understand love the way my wife does. I have sort of just accepted it. "It is what it is."
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Is your wife aware of your feelings—or rather, lack of? Has she “sort of just accepted it”? I feel sorry for her, but that isn’t a judgment per se on you in particular. I really don’t think autistic people who can’t feel love should ever be in relationships with people who can. I guess two autistic people who can’t feel love for each other would be ideal…is that right? I’m actually genuinely asking - if your wife didn’t love you, would you be perfectly okay with that?
 
Kalinychta said:
Is your wife aware of your feelings—or rather, lack of? Has she “sort of just accepted it”? I feel sorry for her, but that isn’t a judgment per se on you in particular. I really don’t think autistic people who can’t feel love should ever be in relationships with people who can. I guess two autistic people who can’t feel love for each other would be ideal…is that right? I’m actually genuinely asking - if your wife didn’t love you, would you be perfectly okay with that?
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I think you are misinterpreting what I originally said. I believe my words were that I don't think I express or feel love in the same way she does. The alexithymia perplexes me a bit, and this is my personal issue, but I am not one to sit and ruminate about such things. I am very much bonded with her. We do everything together. We are probably more "physical" with each other than I suspect most couples are at our age, even if it is simply having physical contact with each other in bed, on the couch, in the car, wherever. I actively seek out physical touch. What I didn't elaborate upon was the fact that even though we are intellectually compatible, she desires more verbal/emotional communication for bonding, and I desire more physical communication for bonding. Obviously, this requires some give and take on both sides. We go about things in different ways, but we end up at the same conclusion. I believe she has a good understanding of me, almost to the point where I think she knows me better than I know myself.

That said, to answer your questions, which I don't think applies to our relationship, (1) I agree that any relationship that is "uneven, one-sided, unequal" is torture. No good comes of it. No, if either my wife or I didn't love the other, it would be a deal breaker. (2) If there is no love, but a working partnership, two life partners, as long as the feelings are mutual, I don't see why that relationship couldn't work to benefit both. No one wants to be lonely.
 
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AuDHDMom said:
But a lot of us get in touch with our emotional side under stress, so you may not be aware of the feeling of love until a break up. Then the absence feels like a huge hole.
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This x1000.

There seems to be only one 'right' way to feel and express love. Being a provider, a fixer or a rock doesn't seem to count.
You have the stereotype of autistic men being cold, ungrateful, thoughtless jerks, being too self centred to love anyone. There is degrading pity for anyone 'unfortunate' enough to marry one. It makes autistics feel broken in some way.
So comes the stress and pain of masking and the inevitable burnout and doomed relationship. Stigma is spread on social media from spineless, jilting ex's that didn't have the prudence to actually get to know their partners before the big wedding.
Now we have, plot twist, what appears to be internalised ableism in our own community.

For me love felt like a calm contentedness. I hated being alone which was unusual. When the breakup happened the bottom of the world fell out.
A relationship doesn't have to be a passionate Hollywood romance with regular declarations of undying love. How does that fit with autistics that have communication disabilities and under developed interoception?
Speaking from my experience, the reality of love was much more mundane, where it's 'only' a companionship style love, with a deep commitment, connection and support. How awful /s
 
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thejuice said:
A relationship doesn't have to be a passionate Hollywood romance with regular declarations of undying love. How does that fit with autistics that have communication disabilities and under developed interoception?
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I think a lot of ppl miss the fact that autism is a social disability.
Relationships don't come easy for us, especially.
 
Jonn said:
Perhaps, but some ppl aren't meant to be in a significant-other relationship.
Being single isn't the end of the world. :cool:
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Jonn said:
I think a lot of ppl miss the fact that autism is a social disability.
Relationships don't come easy for us, especially.
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Agree with both of those statements, IF you've come to accept that reality. I suspect many young people in our community haven't come to that conclusion and are really struggling with this.

There are many people now-a-days, NT and ND, that for a variety of reasons are content with being single. However, like my eldest son, for example, has a room mate, but not looking for a "relationship" per se. I know he is quite heterosexual and has normal social skills, but is not willing to accept the risks of being with a woman. I know, it's a different world out there right now. So, I use this as an example of two people (he and his room mate) who have a shared life, but are not "in a relationship", and are not "lonely" because of it. But more to your second statement, IF you do have a social disability, as many of us do, then even the concept of a room mate may not work. The concern I have is that social isolation, in and of itself, is associated with both mental and physical health decline, and can significantly shorten life expectancy. It is a legitimate concern, even for those of us that have finally come around to accepting a rather solitary life. I just hope that for those that have accepted that reality, that they can find the time, tolerance, and courage to get out of the home, work, have active hobbies/special interests, enjoy nature, have pets, etc.
 
Neonatal RRT said:
The concern I have is that social isolation, in and of itself, is associated with both mental and physical health decline, and can significantly shorten life expectancy.
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I have read articles that say that, but they would mostly apply to the social NT group, IMO.
Those on the spectrum are known for being comfortable with their own company.
In addition to that, there are usually misunderstandings that cause a lot of frustration, anxiety, and anger when one or both individuals are on the spectrum.
That is why private space&time are so important for us, so we can "recharge".

To me, it suggests there is a lot more stress in a coupling relationship overall, and long-term stress is a known factor in longevity.
But then, some can cope better that others. <shrug>

I think one of the factors connected with social isolation and premature death revolves around depression.
If that isn't the case, a reclusive lifestyle can be very beneficial in terms of mental and physical well-being.
 
Neonatal RRT said:
Agree with both of those statements, IF you've come to accept that reality. I suspect many young people in our community haven't come to that conclusion and are really struggling with this.

There are many people now-a-days, NT and ND, that for a variety of reasons are content with being single. However, like my eldest son, for example, has a room mate, but not looking for a "relationship" per se. I know he is quite heterosexual and has normal social skills, but is not willing to accept the risks of being with a woman. I know, it's a different world out there right now. So, I use this as an example of two people (he and his room mate) who have a shared life, but are not "in a relationship", and are not "lonely" because of it. But more to your second statement, IF you do have a social disability, as many of us do, then even the concept of a room mate may not work. The concern I have is that social isolation, in and of itself, is associated with both mental and physical health decline, and can significantly shorten life expectancy. It is a legitimate concern, even for those of us that have finally come around to accepting a rather solitary life. I just hope that for those that have accepted that reality, that they can find the time, tolerance, and courage to get out of the home, work, have active hobbies/special interests, enjoy nature, have pets, etc.
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I’d be interested to learn if the studies showing a solitary life to have increased mental and physical health decline have corrected for people with autism.

And, I seem to remember that statistically, autists have shorter lives to begin with.
 
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