I Think I Have Finally Started to Understand Love

[Jonn]

Because of a 7X higher suicide rate overall, amongst both males and females, combined. However, the autistic females, by themselves, have a 13X higher suicide rate than non-autistic females.

Autistic people are six times more likely to attempt suicide – poor mental health support may be to blame

Precisely.

"Don't let the Black Dog bite."

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

Because of a 7X higher suicide rate overall, amongst both males and females, combined. However, the autistic females, by themselves, have a 13X higher suicide rate than non-autistic females.

Autistic people are six times more likely to attempt suicide – poor mental health support may be to blame

So far, female autists are being overlooked. And if other female autists have the same success rate that I have had with mental health therapy, that could easily drive one into suicidal thought. NTs are just not going to be able to isolate the problem if they don't know the underlying neurology.

 

[Judge]

I’d be interested to learn if the studies showing a solitary life to have increased mental and physical health decline have corrected for people with autism.

And, I seem to remember that statistically, autists have shorter lives to begin with.

A very interesting thing to ponder. Unlike having an unending thirst for human companionship, I withdrew from most social contacts some 18 years ago, opting to live in virtual isolation. Made much easier being formally retired.

Of course outside this community it's also something I share with no one, although my two remaining relatives in my real-life social orbit occasionally chastise me for it. I've reached out a couple of times to "test the waters", Yet found that in my own case joining a group of people for a common interest just didn't fill a void that I hardly seem to even sense any more.

Wondering too if advanced age may have something to do with it. Yet I also have not lost perspective in knowing so many medical professionals would condemn such choices.

I still tend to quantify two opposing considerations as follows:

Solitude: 51%
Loneliness: 49%

Some of our members here who seem so pathologically driven to find companionship of one kind or another. Part of me understands it, yet at the same time another part of me finds it baffling, given the comfort and serenity of being alone. It's a strange dichotomy.

Ironic though, I don't see professional statisticians catching up with people like me, because in most instances they simply won't find us. And even if they did, I might just smile at them and recite this one line of a song: "And a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries".

 

[Shamar]

Perhaps, but some ppl aren't meant to be in a significant-other relationship.
Being single isn't the end of the world.

True, but but being lonely certainly seems like the end of the world, and ending starts to look awfully appealing. I know from personal experience. See the recent comments regarding autism and suicide.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

A very interesting thing to ponder. Unlike having an unending thirst for human companionship, I withdrew from most social contacts some 18 years ago, opting to live in virtual isolation. Made much easier being formally retired.

I don’t have that thirst for companionship. When I see others enjoying activities together, it looks great, but it’s not for me. Like watching JeanClaude Killy racing down the slalom, looks like fun, but not for me.

Of course outside this community it's also something I share with no one, although my two remaining relatives in my real-life social orbit occasionally chastise me for it. I've reached out a couple of times to "test the waters", Yet found that in my own case joining a group of people for a common interest just didn't fill a void that I hardly seem to even sense any more.

I feel like others are acting in a movie that I am not in.

Wondering too if advanced age may have something to do with it. Yet I also have not lost perspective in knowing so many medical professionals would condemn such choices.

I still tend to quantify two opposing considerations as follows:

Solitude: 51%
Loneliness: 49%

Some of our members here who seem so pathologically driven to find companionship of one kind or another. Part of me understands it, yet at the same time another part of me finds it baffling, given the comfort and serenity of being alone. It's a strange dichotomy.

Ironic though, I don't see professional statisticians catching up with people like me, because in most instances they simply won't find us. And even if they did, I might just smile at them and recite this one line of a song: "And a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries".

I’m sorry you feel as lonely as you do. *hugs* I would guesstimate my proportions are more like 95% solitude and 5% lonely.

 

[thejuice]

Because of a 7X higher suicide rate overall, amongst both males and females, combined. However, the autistic females, by themselves, have a 13X higher suicide rate than non-autistic females.

Autistic people are six times more likely to attempt suicide – poor mental health support may be to blame

I wonder if it's because some autistic women are more sensitive to passive aggressive bullying and shunning.

Whereas some autistic men perhaps put less value in a friendship network and human connection and are more focussed on their intense interests in 'things'. I think it's more accepted for men to be idiosyncratic loners. There's higher societal pressures and expectations for women.

This might lead to more exposure to bullying. There might be a burn out factor from the strain of high level masking too. There might also be more negative self talk from a perceived failure to conform to gender stereotypes. All these experiences could build up and cause someone to make a bad choice.

Anyway I can only speak with my limited theory of mind and experience as an autistic male. I'd like to hear more about the autistic female experience of aloneness. Some women here seem to like it.

 

[Judge]

I’m sorry you feel as lonely as you do. *hugs* I would guesstimate my proportions are more like 95% solitude and 5% lonely.

Oh, at times I can have similar percentages too. I've simply learned to live alone and accept it.

 

[Kalinychta]

"So what you're saying is what I'm saying you're saying?"

Haha good answer

I think you are misinterpreting what I originally said. I believe my words were that I don't think I express or feel love in the same way she does. The alexithymia perplexes me a bit, and this is my personal issue, but I am not one to sit and ruminate about such things. I am very much bonded with her. We do everything together. We are probably more "physical" with each other than I suspect most couples are at our age, even if it is simply having physical contact with each other in bed, on the couch, in the car, wherever. I actively seek out physical touch. What I didn't elaborate upon was the fact that even though we are intellectually compatible, she desires more verbal/emotional communication for bonding, and I desire more physical communication for bonding. Obviously, this requires some give and take on both sides. We go about things in different ways, but we end up at the same conclusion. I believe she has a good understanding of me, almost to the point where I think she knows me better than I know myself.

That said, to answer your questions, which I don't think applies to our relationship, (1) I agree that any relationship that is "uneven, one-sided, unequal" is torture. No good comes of it. No, if either my wife or I didn't love the other, it would be a deal breaker. (2) If there is no love, but a working partnership, two life partners, as long as the feelings are mutual, I don't see why that relationship couldn't work to benefit both. No one wants to be lonely.

That’s much clearer. Thank you for explaining. It did seem to me that you were saying you didn’t feel love for your wife, rather that you were just good life partners.

 

[Kalinychta]

"So what you're saying is what I'm saying you're saying?"

This must be a quote from a movie I’ve never seen?

But it’s still not an answer. “Men are 4/5's of autistic population so there would be a lot of single or homosexual men…” - that’s what you said, which sounds like a justification for men deceiving women about love. I think you should explain.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

the more i read certain posts on facebook or forum, the more pissed off i get that i was born the male gender

 

[Jonn]

We are very similar in many ways:

We are a similar age, I am guessing.
Both retired.
Hopefully you are financially independent, also.
Both reclusive.
Both comfortable in solitude.

Spoiler

And based on your avatar, we even look similar.

Unlike having an unending thirst for human companionship, I withdrew from most social contacts some 18 years ago, opting to live in virtual isolation. Made much easier being formally retired.

I think part of our serenity comes from not being a slave to excessive levels of testosterone.
I am more interested in companionship than romance.

In addition to this, studies suggest greater peace of mind over the age of 50, so a more mature age is a determining factor, apparently/evidently.

I've reached out a couple of times to "test the waters", Yet found that in my own case joining a group of people for a common interest just didn't fill a void that I hardly seem to even sense any more.

At our age, our options are rather limited:

I have always been an antinatalist, but even if I wasn't, stating a family wouldn't be advisable or fair to a younger wife or the children.

Then there are the omnipresent health considerations that have already manifested themselves, or are possibly in the cards in the near future.

Companionship/friendship seems to be the only rational desire, the way I see it.

Wondering too if advanced age may have something to do with it. Yet I also have not lost perspective in knowing so many medical professionals would condemn such choices.

I never forget that most of the recommendations give by the medical fraternity are aimed at a Neurotypical "audience".

To me, the equation is quite simple for many of those on the spectrum:

A coupling relationship = compromise + frustration + obligations - space&time - freedom of choice

I still tend to quantify two opposing considerations as follows:

Solitude: 51%
Loneliness: 49%

Putting things in mathematical terms, I see.
How Aspergers of you.

We differ here, somewhat.

Solitude: 90%
I very rarely get lonely.
A 10% desire for interaction in real life.

Also:

Sadness: 40%
Contentment: 60%
Depression: 0%
No Black Dog for me, ATPIT.

Some of our members here who seem so pathologically driven to find companionship of one kind or another. Part of me understands it, yet at the same time another part of me finds it baffling, given the comfort and serenity of being alone. It's a strange dichotomy.

I find this odd, also.
I can formulate a "mathematical" argument for this, however:

Parental indoctrination + social conditioning + evolutionary/biological influences + lack of life experience + a desire for personal meaning (the big one) = Dissatisfaction with life, driving ppl towards a significant-other relationship.

One of the main reason many on the spectrum prefer their own company is due to "being a square peg trying to fit into a (NT) round hole", imo.
Constant negative reinforcement make the alternative all the better.

Q: Why did the person bash their head against a brick wall"
A: It felt so good when they stopped.

The unfortunate situation is, that even amongst our autistic peers, there seems to be an inordinate amount of social friction due to psychological inflexibility and personal trauma.

Ironic though, I don't see professional statisticians catching up with people like me, because in most instances they simply won't find us. And even if they did, I might just smile at them and recite this one line of a song: "And a rock feels no pain. And an island never cries".

Spoiler

*I* found you, you big lug.
Give me a hug.

Spoiler

 

[Jonn]

True, but but being lonely certainly seems like the end of the world, and ending starts to look awfully appealing. I know from personal experience. See the recent comments regarding autism and suicide.

I haven't been depressed for for around 38 years, and I had good reason to be so.
I muzzled "The Black Dog" a long time ago, to a large extent, through rational thinking.

 

[Kalinychta]

the more i read certain posts on facebook or forum, the more pissed off i get that i was born the male gender

Really? I love men. A friend of mine and I were just lamenting that the Y chromosome is supposedly meant to go extinct in a few million years.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I wonder if it's because some autistic women are more sensitive to passive aggressive bullying and shunning.

From a psychological standpoint, females, in general, overall, are more sensitive to negativity and threats than males. Now, combine that with an underlying autism-associated, depressive condition, may be the reasons for the 13X higher suicide rate.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Really? I love men. A friend of mine and I were just lamenting that the Y chromosome is supposedly meant to go extinct in a few million years.

i heard some men on facebook disclose some depressing stories which i wish i can remove from my mind.

 

[thejuice]

From a psychological standpoint, females, in general, overall, are more sensitive to negativity and threats than males. Now, combine that with an underlying autism-associated, depressive condition, may be the reasons for the 13X higher suicide rate.

He makes a convincing case. He's good when he sticks to his field.

 

[Kalinychta]

i heard some men on facebook disclose some depressing stories which i wish i can remove from my mind.

Well there are a ton of depressing stories you can read anywhere. Have you read any inspiring stories lately?