If a woman says she loves you

[Sasha22]

I feel my thoughts have been unfair on her

Well you can redirect a lot of your thoughts in the direction that you like - plus you've been asking questions, which is more than a lot of people would do.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Reading the responses, I think the OP is reading more into things that may not be intended. But, I recognize that choice of clothing has import, depending on the social occasion and the people one intends to interact with. NTs get this,almost by osmosis. I had to deliberately learn that.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Not necessarily. ”Revealing clothing” may not mean anything more than that she likes those clothes. To her, it could be fashionable or fun or even comfortable. Her clothing choices are no reflection on how much she can love someone.

She may just be competing. With the other women at the club, or see I still have it Either way my wife dressing in a way that makes her feel sexy. Does not bother me after all I am her husband. Others can look but I'm married to her.

 

[Tom]

I'm sure she has ordered some modest clothing. It's just that hand made stuff takes a while.

 

[Aspergers_Aspie]

I've been in a relationship with her since early April, she's never ever been rude to me, always so thoughtful and caring and friendly

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Women don't wear "revealing" clothing because they're trying to show off their bodies.

They want to be comfortable.

Yoga pants don't dig in the way jeans do. And they accomodate rounded hips. It is so hard to find jeans that fit a curvy physique!

It is not for you that women get dressed.

I think if you're going to be in a relationship, you need to respect your partner, and the fact that she is an adult who can dress herself. You also need to trust her that if she goes out with her friends, that she won't hook up with some guy.

She and her friends want to feel pretty, and dress up festive for a fun occasion. It isn't about attracting men. It's about feeling pretty and celebrating a fun night with the girls.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

In Afghanistan, the patriarchy tried to solve the problem of jealousy, and those awful women with their awful exposed bodies. Only thing is, women there get catcalled or even kidnapped and raped dressed like this too.

 

[NB79]

Women don't wear "revealing" clothing because they're trying to show off their bodies.

They want to be comfortable.

Yoga pants don't dig in the way jeans do. And they accomodate rounded hips. It is so hard to find jeans that fit a curvy physique!

It is not for you that women get dressed.

I think if you're going to be in a relationship, you need to respect your partner, and the fact that she is an adult who can dress herself. You also need to trust her that if she goes out with her friends, that she won't hook up with some guy.

She and her friends want to feel pretty, and dress up festive for a fun occasion. It isn't about attracting men. It's about feeling pretty and celebrating a fun night with the girls.

i don't want to fight or anything but.

You said:
Women don't want to show her bodies, they want to feel pretty and fun, isn't about attracting men.

i sense some contradictions there.

 

[MNAus]

Perhaps you could do similar? It might be that the feeling others could find you attractive makes you feel a little more secure in yourself and this could only help your relationship IMO. Not to make your partner jealous of course, but to give you a little more confidence. Also not suggesting a mankini, though you do you if that's what works, but dress up and freshen up for yourself. And yes, you do get to enjoy a bit of attention, but the idea is to do this for yourself, not to collect actual offers.

I think if you had a bit more of that self belief you wouldn't worry as much about what her clothing reveals, in more ways than one.

You said:
Women don't want to show her bodies, they want to feel pretty and fun, isn't about attracting men.

i sense some contradictions there.

I can see why that might seem the case. But there's a subtle distinction. There's a difference between wanting to feel attractive and wanting to attract someone. The former you can actually do on your own just by trying stuff out in the mirror, but also with friends out and about. It's more a confirmation of yourself. It can come from a place of insecurity if it's incessant and especially if it requires strong evidence (as in the need for people to come and and tell you, or even to take it to the point of hooking up), but for most it's just a case of a bit of a boost just by self reflecting on who you are.

 

[Magna]

Interesting question and interesting varied responses I try as hard as I can to see different perspectives to questions, situations, issues, etc. I'm grateful for all the responses. In trying to see different perspectives I often try to reverse situations. I assume the OP's girlfriend is hetero.

A reverse of the situation: Hetero man is in a relationship and he tells his girlfriend he loves her. Hetero man goes out to a non-gay club with his guy friends. Hetero man grooms himself to the "nth degree", wears tight pants so others can see his "package", wears a tight T-shirt so others can see his muscles. No way in hell would the hetero man do that (especially the tight pants) to impress his other male hetero friends. Hetero men who are "off the market" simply do not make the exact same effort for their appearance in public that they do when they're "on the market" The only reason I could see for a hetero man to act that same way is to...impress women. Or, he loves his own body and wants to show it off as often as possible to the world.

 

[Bolletje]

Women don't want to show her bodies, they want to feel pretty and fun, isn't about attracting men.

i sense some contradictions there.

Wanting to feel pretty/look good doesn’t necessarily mean you want to attract people. It feels good, knowing that you look good. There don’t have to be ulterior motives attached to that. I like to look good when I go to a special occasion, but I’m not doing that to find a mate. I’m doing it for me.

 

[1ForAll]

I do not mean to sound abrupt as I am not usually this way, but since when is feminine clothing seen as more comfortable than not? Is is not created often more by designers to attract others than for practical purposes? Many women likely say the loose and tight fitting clothing in certain spots, and the thin, plunging, or unique design stuff they wear is anything but comfortable, and if it has weird cuts, accessories on it. Are high heel shoes comfortable too? And makeup too?

Such clothes are often not made to make women feel physically comfortable, but desirable.

It just seems obvious many women wear revealing clothes because they want more focus on their clothes and/or bodies, or more attention from others, and as they get more self esteem with certain aspects of their dress or bodies being shown or highlighted more. When clothes hide their bodies, or if plain clothes, these women may have less self esteem and may feel less appreciated if others are not looking and/or commenting.

My wife refuses to wear anything real feminine throughout the day because she says all that girly stuff is very uncomfortable. Would I mind if she wore some revealing clothing in public, nope, as I trust her and want her to be happy or to feel more confident, but she sure would not be wearing that to feel comfortable from what she says. I trust her there as I cringe seeing tight fitting clothes or clothes about to fall off. Is that comfortable feeling? More women in society would agree with her there I bet that it is uncomfortable. I see these women in life looking extremely uncomfortable wearing such clothing, but they are willing to go through discomfort for self esteem or attention, as often they are competing for whose clothes or bodies are best, and who gets the most nice remarks or glares back whether anyone wants to admit it or not..

While it is true women wear such clothing to feel good, what they do not say more is they want to feel good about their bodies by showing it more with those feminine clothes , and they feel good too when others see them as more attractive and beautiful too. Otherwise, there is no need to reveal in public if they do not care what others think. They could just do that at home looking in a mirror to get some self esteem there. So, yes, the women who wear such in public are not necessarily wanting to attract others to them, but to show off which makes them feel better about them.

Sorry if this upsets anyone, but I had to clear up some remarks that seemed to be misleading..

 

[MNAus]

Interesting question and interesting varied responses I try as hard as I can to see different perspectives to questions, situations, issues, etc. I'm grateful for all the responses. In trying to see different perspectives I often try to reverse situations. I assume the OP's girlfriend is hetero.

A reverse of the situation: Hetero man is in a relationship and he tells his girlfriend he loves her. Hetero man goes out to a non-gay club with his guy friends. Hetero man grooms himself to the "nth degree", wears tight pants so others can see his "package", wears a tight T-shirt so others can see his muscles. No way in hell would the hetero man do that (especially the tight pants) to impress his other male hetero friends. Hetero men who are "off the market" simply do not make the exact same effort for their appearance in public that they do when they're "on the market" The only reason I could see for a hetero man to act that same way is to...impress women. Or, he loves his own body and wants to show it off as often as possible to the world.

It's tricky, because people of all genders and sexualities will have a myriad of reasons for behaving some way. Some will indeed be looking to get an individual to pay attention, proposition them, pursue them, and will perhaps even want to have a fling. That might be for the physical pleasure, or might be for validation. There's no one size fits all. I guess the point is that we can't assume the worst with someone we love because there are many plausible and even likely explanations. One of which is that a person might find it comforting or appealing to view themselves as generally attractive. And that wouldn't be because they don't love their partner.

Look at it this way. If everyone called you stupid - or you believed everyone thought you stupid - your lovely partner saying "You're not stupid, you're a smart person" might bring some comfort, but you can see it would be appealing to have an evening where you thought yourself smart and believed everyone thought the same of you. It's not that you'd be wanting everyone to actually give you problems to solve, but the general aura of "hey, you know what, I AM smart!" would be appealing. Like I say, there's a fine line between confirming your own self view or dispelling minor doubts, and actually having a very faulty self image that needs constant validation to appease the negative self talk.

And yeah, guys do it too. Across all genders and cultures you see people dressing themselves up to appeal. Men wearing t-shirts that show off their guns, men wearing sharp suits with shoulder pads(!) that reinforce their shape, men showing their wealth. All designed to demonstrate appeal. And in the queer communities too, there are ideals and tropes that people will adhere to. And again, in many cases this might be to actually attract an individual; it might be to repair a poor self-image or it might just be to reinforce one's own appreciation of oneself.

 

[Magna]

It's tricky, because people of all genders and sexualities will have a myriad of reasons for behaving some way. Some will indeed be looking to get an individual to pay attention, proposition them, pursue them, and will perhaps even want to have a fling. That might be for the physical pleasure, or might be for validation. There's no one size fits all. I guess the point is that we can't assume the worst with someone we love because there are many plausible and even likely explanations. One of which is that a person might find it comforting or appealing to view themselves as generally attractive. And that wouldn't be because they don't love their partner.

Look at it this way. If everyone called you stupid - or you believed everyone thought you stupid - your lovely partner saying "You're not stupid, you're a smart person" might bring some comfort, but you can see it would be appealing to have an evening where you thought yourself smart and believed everyone thought the same of you. It's not that you'd be wanting everyone to actually give you problems to solve, but the general aura of "hey, you know what, I AM smart!" would be appealing. Like I say, there's a fine line between confirming your own self view or dispelling minor doubts, and actually having a very faulty self image that needs constant validation to appease the negative self talk.

And yeah, guys do it too. Across all genders and cultures you see people dressing themselves up to appeal. Men wearing t-shirts that show off their guns, men wearing sharp suits with shoulder pads(!) that reinforce their shape, men showing their wealth. All designed to demonstrate appeal. And in the queer communities too, there are ideals and tropes that people will adhere to. And again, in many cases this might be to actually attract an individual; it might be to repair a poor self-image or it might just be to reinforce one's own appreciation of oneself.

Unless I'm wrong, you're saying there are many reasons a person presents themselves in ways to get attention that they desire. Isn't that the counterpoint to this thread so far? That people ( the OP specified women) dress/present themselves in a certain way...to get attention?

I do think you make a good point though that there obviously are many reasons why people as you say (women, specifically in the case of the OP's question) present themselves to the public to attract attention and some of those reasons could even have nothing to do with wanting attention from anyone; instead sometimes a person may dress a certain way because THEY like how they look and for no other reason. I think all of that is totally valid.
However, I also think what seems to fuel these kinds of debates is that there never seem to be responses among women with this kind of a question where they admit that, hell yes, sometimes women in relationships dress...to impress men other than their partner. The complete dismissal of that as even being possible as a reason for some (and even being called misogynistic to consider it) fuels arguments like that due to its questionable validity.

Would it perhaps be most accurate to blend both points and say something like:

Of course some women in relationships dress provocatively when going out with female friends because they want to "turn the heads" of men in the club. They want to be desired by more men than just their partner. In fact, sometimes they want to be the object of desire and they're not ashamed of that. HOWEVER....there are many OTHER reasons a woman might want to dress provocatively in public that DON'T entail wanting to capture male attention. Maybe she's worked hard to get in shape, she's in the best shape of her life and she's proud of that fact and likes how she looks in the clothes she choose to wear and she wants zero attention from other men, etc.

^ I think all of the above are possible and legitimate reasons. Whereas I I think if the first reason is utterly dismissed as being invalid and misogynistic, I don't agree.

 

[Ella Spell]

First of all, define "revealing".

Different people have different definitions of that. Do you mean a low-neck top? A short skirt or dress? What was being revealed and how different was it from what the other women wore?

Women tend to dress to fit in with their friends, and fit in with the venue. It's also August. It's a heatwave for most places in the northern hemisphere. She was going dancing. Indoors, presumably, where it would be crowded and hot.

Men's clothes aren't really made to be revealing, unless they're really flamboyant. Men don't normally go to clubs in short shorts or with low cut tops. They might wear tight clothes I guess, but you didn't say that your girlfriend's clothes were tight. You said they were revealing. It's not the same thing because revealing or sexy clothes aren't mass-marketed for men to go dancing the way they are for women. There's no peer pressure for men to fit in the way there is for women.

I don't think it necessarily has anything to do with her sincerity or her love. Women tend to dress nicely in clubs regardless of who they're dating, or even if they're dating.

My daughter's best friend was engaged to marry a man when he saw her Instagram and took offence that she posted pictures of herself in a bikini at the beach with her grandmother, years before he even met her. He asked her to take the pictures down and said it was disrespectful of their relationship.

She dumped him.

 

[MNAus]

Unless I'm wrong, you're saying there are many reasons a person presents themselves in ways to get attention that they desire. Isn't that the counterpoint to this thread so far? That people ( the OP specified women) dress/present themselves in a certain way...to get attention?

I'm not really trying to contradict or confirm any other posts, just offering my view. I think the word "attention" might be the wrong one to use in many cases. I think it can vary from self-affirming, to enjoying appreciation, then attention, admiration or even active desire from others. Taking off the table people who are looking for action as a physical pursuit or in search for a partner, the further along that group you go for feedback the more likely you are to have a negative self-image, IMO. That's not "wrong" per-se, but does open questions of whether it's healthy. But I see nothing unhealthy in the self-affirmation of dressing up and looking in the mirror thinking "you look great!", or even walking out the door with friends thinking "I look great". Even, perhaps, noting the odd appreciative smile in your direction. All perfectly healthy IMO, and not so much about the person smiling (and our opinion of them), or wanting anything further to do with them in the slightest. As with all these situations though, there's a point where we should start to get concerned. For me there's a difference between appreciation and attention where things would start to ring alarm bells for me. Are they doing this incessantly? How do they behave in between? Do they seem to crave this? Do they want more and more each time?

I do wonder if there's a bit of an "ownership" thing here. IMO a little jealousy is good in a relationship. Personally I know my wife is attractive and could probably get another guy quite easily. I think that's good. Not from a "I caught a prize" direction, but because I recognise she has options and that surely is good for one's mental health. I think shutting that down would make her less happy, at no benefit to anyone. But yeah, I do recognise her being with me is a choice and that's not something I can directly control.

 

[Ella Spell]

The attention women want is usually from other women. It's a social hierarchy when women go out in groups. No one wants to feel jealous of their female friends looking prettier.

Weird, I know. In my experience, however, it's a thing.

The only time I really went to a dance club with other women was in Palm Springs with my mother, two of her sisters (all of them senior citizens then), and two of my cousins. I was TERRIFIED to go, not so much because of the noise or the lights or having to be social, but because I didn't know what to wear and I thought I'd look frumpy beside my gorgeous cousins who had lots of club clothes. Even my auntie (one in particular) dresses really well and turns a lot of heads because she's such a good dancer.

I have to admit I wanted positive attention and wanted to look good, but it was for my own self-esteem and for my cousins. It would feel lousy to feel like or be viewed as the ugly or plain duckling beside some sexy starlets.

 

[Sasha22]

instead sometimes a person may dress a certain way because THEY like how they look and for no other reason.

Yes and in my case, it can also be because I want to approve of the way I present myself to others. So it isn't strictly just for me (alone, I might dress differently), nor with attracting attention as a goal. But because I know people can see me, this is what I want them to see if they look. My body is me, it isn't just a tool. If I'm given the floor in public, I don't want to be seen as stupider than I am. If I'm looked at, I don't want to be seen as aesthetically "lesser" than I am. It counts, it's not negligible just because it isn't the insides of my soul.
Same if I have worked to get fit, and wear clothes that reveal that. It's kind of like establishing my lifestyle into the world. Just because I'm showing it doesn't mean I need you to look - but if you do, that's what you'll see.

Last time I wore something fitted (very comfy fabric) and a guy "complimented" my behind in a very rude way, my first thought was "Interesting. So this is how he notices all the deadlifts". I workout to be stronger, that's not something I do to attract males - but it's an interesting side effect.

Basically, showing myself is what makes stuff happen with others, on all kinds of levels (with a preoccupation for safety of course, since you can always run into predators).

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

i don't want to fight or anything but.

You said:
Women don't want to show her bodies, they want to feel pretty and fun, isn't about attracting men.

i sense some contradictions there.

Women often want to feel pretty for themselves or their female friends.

 

[Bolletje]

Women often want to feel pretty for themselves or their female friends.

Yes! Dressing up is part of masking too, which I think is an important thing to note. Going out with friends, the way you dress also is a bit of non-verbal communication towards them. If I would have a girls night out planned and I showed up in my sweatpants and a hoodie, my friends might think I don’t really want to be there or I don’t want to hang out, because I’m not putting any effort into my looks.

Furthermore, I dress up to visit my grandmother too. I don’t do this to be attractive for her, or to score a senior in her area. I do this to communicate to her that she matters to me and I am putting in effort to look nice when I visit her.