If a woman says she loves you

[Hypnalis]

The discussion started with "revealing clothing".
"Dressing for the occasion" and "looking your best" aren't the same thing at all.

wikipedia can tell the difference:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexualization(the first paragraph mentions revealing clothing)

It's 100% clear from OP's post what they meant.

You're "moving the goalposts" rather than addressing the topic.

Naturally women have a right to dress any way they like as long as they conform to local laws.
But if a woman chooses to dress in a way that's obviously intended to attract male attention (which is exactly what "revealing clothing" means in this case), it's completely reasonable for their SO to speculate on their motivation.

Nobody on an internet forum can give the OP useful advice - there isn't enough data.

But selling the idea that their partner's choice of clothing cannot even be questioned is "negative information". It makes it harder for OP to draw their own conclusions.

 

[Bolletje]

Dressing for the occasion, wearing revealing clothes and looking/feeling your best can all overlap though, without it being intended to attract male attention in a sexual way.

I personally think it’s a slippery slope to say “she’s wearing x outfit of clothing, that means she’s looking for sex”. Making assumptions about someone’s intentions based on what they’re wearing is just not a good idea.
Go for open and honest communication instead. If you don’t dont trust someone you’re with on their word and need to divine their intentions based on their outfit, you have no business being in a relationship with that person.

The “revealing clothes = looking for male attention” line of thought is also unfortunately at the root of the very damaging conversation surrounding sexual assault victims in which some people still feel certain outfits are “asking for it”.

And no, I know that’s not the original point of the topic, but I feel like it needs to be said regardless.

Might be a shocking revelation, but some women are not interested in attracting male attention. These women can still wear revealing clothes.

 

[Bolletje]

Example: I looked in the mirror this morning and decided I like the way my legs look today. So I chose to wear a short skirt. End of story.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Bolletje

The OP's question is clear. What the OP means by "revealing clothing" is clear.

These "straw man" arguments are no better than the equivocation technique used in the previous posts.
For example nobody is suggesting any relationship between choice of clothing and "asking for it" in the sense that you used it.

What you're doing has an amusing name though, so it's worth linking a description:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gish_gallop

 

[Rodafina]

What the OP means by "revealing clothing" is clear.

It is not clear to me. There was no specific description or image.

 

[Bolletje]

For example nobody is suggesting any relationship between choice of clothing and "asking for it" in the sense that you used it.

Well, you personally said women wearing revealing clothes when out without their significant other are “100% looking for attention from other men”.

 

[Hypnalis]

It is not clear to me. There was no specific description or image.

You used the term in your post #3 without asking for clarification.

Well, you personally said women wearing revealing clothes when out without their significant other are “100% looking for attention from other men”.

I certainly said that in an earlier post. Note though: I didn't made a value judgement - that's up to the OP.
But on topic ...

... this is what we're talking about now:

The “revealing clothes = looking for male attention” line of thought is also unfortunately at the root of the very damaging conversation surrounding sexual assault victims in which some people still feel certain outfits are “asking for it”.

I can't see a meaningful link between that and the OP's question.

BTW the wording is also questionable. Hardly anyone IRL actually believes that claim, including the people who use it as an excuse for very bad behavior.

 

[Rodafina]

You used the term in your post #3 without asking for clarification.

Correct. And I put it in quotes because I did not know exactly what that term meant to OP. And then continued to say that it may not mean anything…

Because I didn’t know. I could not picture in my mind what that meant to OP or responders.

I appreciate a good solid definition, but the term “revealing clothing” is used in a subjective manner.

 

[Sasha22]

I can't see a meaningful link between that and the OP's question.

Seems to me that advice was given initially to OP, not on the clothes but on what the best move could be when perplexed ("communicate", "pause and think", etc.) and then the conversation moved to sharing experience/perspectives on what dressing a certain way can mean for us. For me it's been an interesting read.

 

[Darkkin]

If a woman has to take every article of clothing into consideration because it might be considered 'revealing' by some insecure individual, one might need to ask some crucial questions about the definitions of 'revealing', the context of the 'love', and reasonable boundaries. Is the relationship healthy for either party?

If something as basic as appearance causes that much friction, what could happen with something more complex? Or is it a case of codependency and/or eggshell walking?

Compromising one's own needs continuously to appease and placate the emotions of another, to let them define what can and cannot be allowed is a significant red flag. It is a quiet form of long term gaslighting and manipulation.

 

[Bolletje]

@Darkkin I wish I could give you more than one winner response

 

[Aspychata]

So another view point. I dress comfortably, and yes, the comfortable clothes are flattering because of the softness of the material, and the curves (or lack of) that l have. Now men need understand, what makes somebody else look like a million bucks, may make me look like a drifter, different body types, different manufacturers with different cuts of patterns for pants and tops. When my friend is here, l put on the vavoom, because he loves it. And yes, there are comfortable heels, l actually prefer heels. So he knows l just leave with him always. He is flattered and he isn't intimidated at all.

 

[Kalinychta]

I’m assuming she’s always dressed the same way when she goes out? You shouldn’t expect her to start dressing differently just because she’s in a relationship with you and told you she loves you. This is all about your insecurity, not her clothes. I’d get it in check pronto unless you want the relationship to end.

 

[Magna]

Compromising one's own needs continuously to appease and placate the emotions of another, to let them define what can and cannot be allowed is a significant red flag. It is a quiet form of long term gaslighting and manipulation.

^ 100% agree with this. Also, because this situation is not relegated to one sex over the other as far as this type of overbearing behavior. I think you'd find an equal number of women in relationships as the recipient of the unacceptable behavior as you would men who lament the controlling nature of the woman they're in a relationship with. My point is, trying to control your partner is universally wrong.

I hope everyone can concur based on the good responses here that it's wrong to say that women ONLY dress in "revealing clothing" to attract men. That's simply false. Just as it's false to say that no woman dresses in "revealing clothing" to attract men. That's simply false.

I asked my wife about this question today because it's an interesting topic with a wide range of opinions and viewpoints. She essentially said the same as I surmised: The reasons a woman might choose "revealing clothing" is widely varied and there are many reasons for her choices that have nothing to do with men, attracting men, etc. However she also stated that some women DO dress to attract men or "get things from men" (her words). An example she gave was women going out to a club or bar dressed to get the attention of men for the purpose of getting free drinks. She spoke of such women in a negative way.

 

[Outdated]

However she also stated that some women DO dress to attract men or "get things from men" (her words). An example she gave was women going out to a club or bar dressed to get the attention of men for the purpose of getting free drinks. She spoke of such women in a negative way.

I had just moved down to Melbourne and I didn't know anyone, at the end of my street there was a small nightclub and I went there on a Saturday night just out of curiosity. Because I was the new boy in town I got a beer and sat at one end of the bar and just watched people, working out what sort of characters I was faced with.

I watched one woman go from table to table, flirting with mostly older men and getting them to buy her drinks. She worked her way through every single man there. Eventually she came up to the bar and said to me "You look like you'd like to a a pretty girl a drink.". I smiled and said "Don't you think it's about your shout?". (your turn to buy the drinks)

She stormed off in a huff and the barman burst out laughing and gave me a free beer. I found out afterwards that she was a local TV and radio personality, happily married and had recently given birth to her second child. And she could most certainly have afforded to buy her own drinks. She was just an attention seeker.

 

[MNAus]

But if a woman chooses to dress in a way that's obviously intended to attract male attention (which is exactly what "revealing clothing" means in this case), it's completely reasonable for their SO to speculate on their motivation.

And you're begging the question here. You are asserting, not proving, that it is obviously their intent to attract male attention. It's absolutely possible that someone might want to think of themselves as an attractive person without actually wanting to have actual attention from men. Of course there are people who actually DO want attention, or more, but it's not a given.

I like wearing clothes that might appeal to others. I know from experience that when I've been to the barber and had the works on hair and beard; when I wear decent jeans with a shirt, jacket and decent shoes; and when I've showered with soap and wear an age appropriate scent that some women will find me attractive. But I'm not doing it for them, I'm doing it because I want to be the best I can. I want my wife, I don't want them to want me or approach me or wish for me or anything or the sort. I'm wearing the hetero male version of "revealing" clothing. I understand that men wearing that sort of thing is ticking a lot of boxes in the desire department for women, but it's not for them.

Luckily OP has the opportunity to see how his partner acts as a whole. So if she's grumpy and says she envies every girl out there getting dates, if she likes the idea of men approaching her and turning them down, well there's a different thing going on. If she's just going out with her mates, enjoying the fact that she's a young, attractive person, then great.

 

[Hypnalis]

@MNAus

That's not begging the question, which is a logical fallacy. As you say, it's an assertion.

If my assertion is incorrect, its because I've misinterpreted what OP meant to ask.
To me, the context and the question were, and still are, unambiguous. If the OP chooses to correct me, I'll change my position.

I didn't make any value judgement about the SO's likely motivation or actions because there is no data.

TBH I'm astonished that, despite the impressive variety of scenarios that have been presented, as far as I noticed all of them deny the possibility that attention-grabbing clothing could be intended to attract attention to "validate" the wearer. Which is a childish goal, but mostly harmless.
@Outdated's scenario above is IMO the next most likely.

Here's the part most of the posts choose to ignore:
Wearing revealing clothing isn't proof that the wearer intends to do anything untoward at the club .... but if the wearer does intend mischief at a club, they are likely to wear revealing clothes.

There's no data available to assign a probability to the second case, but it's not zero.

 

[Aspergers_Aspie]

I am feeling particularly low today and if I begin experiencing suicidal thoughts I will phone 999.
If I never upset the person I have been in a relationship with and who I love, and she ever stopped seeing me like she used to I wouldn't feel like this. If she ever begins a relationship with anyone else, I wouldn't like it ideally as in an ideal world for me, we would be in a relationship, if I ever saw her holding hands with someone else I wouldn't want to see that. If she ever begins a relationship with anyone else but I had never upset her I wouldn't be feeling upset about upsetting her. And I don't want her being upset generally
If she was ever single or in a relationship with anyone else it wouldn't be from me upsetting her

 

[thejuice]

Best to get ahead of the situation before it becomes critical. Do you have any non emergency support numbers?

 

[Aspergers_Aspie]

Yes thanks. I'm on meds and going to have a review of them tomorrow