If you are on the autistic spectrum, are you or have you been in a romantic relationship?

[Misty Avich]

I don't mind people touching me, within reason.

 

[Suzanne]

Been married for 33 year's next wednesday and although I would not call it a romantic relationship, my husband would say the opposite and there is one area I am rather blessed in, that he still consideres me the same way, or even better than when we first met.

I did not know I had Aspergers when we met.

 

[AuAL]

44 years together - she still puts up with me. Only discovered I was autistic less than a year ago.

 

[marc_101]

Yes, many, many times. Started late, so catching up

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

Quite often I'd have women come up and ask if they could sit with me for a while to get away from that sort of attention. Somehow they always seemed to know that they were safe with me and I wouldn't start harassing them either.

So that's where I've seen you before.

I used to be one of those women. Seeking out someone safe to escape predators.

Romantic relationship? Don't have time to write the book.

 

[Jumpinbare]

I bumbled into a relationship when I wasn't seeking one. Out marriage lasted 24 years before she passed away.
I wouldn't have the energy to start a new relationship.

 

[Misty Avich]

For me relationships take up no energy. It's just like family, if it's successful, except you have a man there to hug and kiss, which also takes no effort for me.
It would only be an effort to me if I was in an abusive relationship or if I was just pretending to love the man but really didn't have those feelings for him. Otherwise, being in a loving relationship with the man of my dreams, is completely effortless, even in the beginning. That was so exciting. My life changed completely and it got me out of the lonely rut I was in and gave me something decent to focus on, instead of unhealthy obsessions that got me nowhere.
I've very passive and loyal to my partner, I trust him and he trusts me. Trust is one of my top priorities, both from me and the other party. It's nice to be trusted and it's nice to be with someone you trust. But I'm not possessive or jealous or anything.
The only faults I have (according to my husband) is that I can be annoying with my hyperactivity and impulsive affection, and I inadvertently collect clutter and make a mess, and I worry about things a lot. But he says those aren't bad things and he wouldn't want me any other way. The relationship is stable, loving and honest, and that's all that matters to us.
His faults are his drinking habits. He's not an alcoholic or anything but he has caused some grief with his drinking. But it's forgiveable, he doesn't drink much otherwise, and as a teetotal person I do understand that the common British culture does unfortunately value drinking, so it's hard to find someone who doesn't drink.
But I love him and he loves me, which, like I already said, is what matters the most.

 

[Mary Terry]

I dislike men or women touching me uninvited, but what really angers me is when you can sense that you're being used as a prop. Women seem to do it with some sort of main character thing going on where you are a walk-on NPC part in her story, men literally as a prop in something else (a con, to impress people, to demonstrate a personality trait they don't actually have, e.g. funny guy).

Men use women as props, too. Ever heard of "arm candy"?

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

yeah, it sadly does seem that reaching 30+ and having never dated or been in a relationship before is either the norm or just common for men with autism.

As for me, well, i had a situationship with a woman in 2017 for 4 months, we were not exclusive, but she was the first woman i ever got a second date with. She had a sexual side to her. The next woman, whom i feel reluctant to call an ex, she didn't have a sexual side to her.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Before I got married I was approached often by women, who made it known they were interested in me sort of wondered why the interest. Looking back can see now I was a real outlier in this community. Even now have no issues conversing with women, not self conscious see every body as just people.

 

[honeytoast]

Almost all of my relationships except for my current one has ended pretty badly.

Grass is always greener on the other side.

 

[vergil96]

I've been in several relationships

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

I never had a relationship before and I don’t think anyone would ever want me.

 

[Judge]

Sex, love and live-in NT girlfriends. All relationships of which eventually failed.

Quite alone at age 68 and don't see that changing.

 

[Kayla55]

"Sex" or the intention of having sex at some point, must be involved.
I am not talking about platonic relationships/friendships.

It's so tricky, I think when I was younger I may have had interest in sex, but rest of it wasn't working. So I engulfed myself more in study/work.
When you don't have many female friends it places you in disadvantaged situation, to make matters worse I wasn't coolest kid due to asd so I wanted a steady boyfriends who was someone I could relate too, and mostly don't relate to NT and young guys just want sex (I think as get older there's more too it)
For me it was just so difficult as i'd watch couples and he would stick bug down her shirt and they'd laugh, I didn't really laugh at jokes. Then there was dancing, and I was no good.
I ended up with boyfriend who wasn't most popular either, but for different reasons. He also lacked ability to emotionally engage and demanded sex, gave hugs afterwards but I just felt I was wasting my time, not getting any happiness out of it. Was single for so long by time I tried socialising outside of work I was struggling and relearning conversation techniques.

 

[Kayla55]

As Asperger female, I think men and women are different, so there isn't equality. For a man if he gets sex everything is ok, for female she is looking for more....so sex isn't let's get back together, I'd prefer we resolved issue and many men fail to understand this.

This was sort of closure I was looking for, I'm older and changed but what was amiss for me in my younger years. And I think it's if we could define the differences between us with aspergers, redefine how would us together look, what would talk about, shared interests. Also tricky as when I was younger I probably would never have said what I said here. I'd sit quietly and hope a guy would understand and no, we don't read each other's thoughts.
I've heard guys on forum try meet girls in yoga class, maybe setting standards too high....I do yoga but won't go to a open class in public, I'm shy. I think it's about meeting someone who's more quiet in different setting than pubs and crowded places. There were times I'd walk my mom's dog, meet people at park and easier to talk, see them again.
So on weakness of social in female, I would've liked guy to spoil me but didn't have to be expensive. A quiet little restaurant, maybe desert and coffee. This would be appreciated as most guys just get away with what they can, and aspergers females don't really know how to manipulate guys and it's all just very confusing. Nice to have guy be interested in me and what music I like, being too pushy for sex tends scare me off, it's not that I wouldn't tried or have gone there towards sex, but women avoid men like that for fear of being used and tricky situation of oh, if I give him sex he won't call and then again, I don't have steady boyfriend is it because he found another girl more popular to call his girlfriend.

I hope that explains the complexity of trying to navigate some of dating issues

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

As Asperger female, I think men and women are different, so there isn't equality. For a man if he gets sex everything is ok, for female she is looking for more....so sex isn't let's get back together, I'd prefer we resolved issue and many men fail to understand this.

This was sort of closure I was looking for, I'm older and changed but what was amiss for me in my younger years. And I think it's if we could define the differences between us with aspergers, redefine how would us together look, what would talk about, shared interests. Also tricky as when I was younger I probably would never have said what I said here. I'd sit quietly and hope a guy would understand and no, we don't read each other's thoughts.
I've heard guys on forum try meet girls in yoga class, maybe setting standards too high....I do yoga but won't go to a open class in public, I'm shy. I think it's about meeting someone who's more quiet in different setting than pubs and crowded places. There were times I'd walk my mom's dog, meet people at park and easier to talk, see them again.
So on weakness of social in female, I would've liked guy to spoil me but didn't have to be expensive. A quiet little restaurant, maybe desert and coffee. This would be appreciated as most guys just get away with what they can, and aspergers females don't really know how to manipulate guys and it's all just very confusing. Nice to have guy be interested in me and what music I like, being too pushy for sex tends scare me off, it's not that I wouldn't tried or have gone there towards sex, but women avoid men like that for fear of being used and tricky situation of oh, if I give him sex he won't call and then again, I don't have steady boyfriend is it because he found another girl more popular to call his girlfriend.

I hope that explains the complexity of trying to navigate some of dating issues

If you believe feminist ideology we are identical right down to brain structure no mention that hormones is the software.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

If you believe feminist ideology we are identical right down to brain structure no mention that hormones is the software.

What I am beginning to learn is that male or female, there are people in this world who have no conscience. Literally none. They have no moral compass. They have absolutely no care that they have hurt, stolen, made miserable or whatever to someone else. These are pathological developmental disabilities. It is genetic. Some people lack a conscience. Period.

I think we autistics are particularly vulnerable to someone who is charming and sweet and totally gets us, etc., etc, when really they are trying to get something from us. Their behaviors seem real to us because in the mind of the personality disordered person, there is no shame in lying and misleading another person.

As autistics, many of us cannot lie. If we try to lie, we may as well have a neon sign above our heads saying "Liar! Liar!" But lies fall through the lips of the personality disordered person like sh*t through a goose.

So, whereas in this world many of us tend to blame "men" or "women" or whatever, as "only wanting one thing" or being "a tease," or whatever. It is NOT gender or sex here, folks. It is a pervasive developmental disability in all genders, sexes and it would help if we were educated about this so we would have some idea of what we might come up against.

 

[Kayla55]

If you believe feminist ideology we are identical right down to brain structure no mention that hormones is the software.

It's like I'm really not stupid, although I sometimes do stupid thing (understand?)
So many men assume all women have lack intellect, and it's seriously misleading. So I didn't take maternity leave and became really unequal, but leaving my little baby at 3 months with stranger wasn't what I could do. And time my ex tried this, he cried and cried and he was one who actually ended the decision for my ex.
While some women may believe we can just have sex, we don't all agree.
Can I pigeon hole myself as aspergers and feminist, um, I'm an individual.

Getting to know someone is also stress, not sure what to say, did I say too much. So playing pool on Friday afternoon is nice, can focus on game, not focus too much. Trying to invite even just 1 friend can lift the spirits.
So date at movies....not talking too much. If you want to invite girl to your house saying this latest movie....she think you have one thing on your mind, sex. And respectful girl may decline on that reason alone.
What settings would be good for a date, a hike in nature? Outdoor concert?

 

[James45]

The intimate side of things has been impossible to compute, too over-stimulating and confusing.

I don't intend to have any further intimate relationships, the 'work' involved in all the mental processing is too much in comparison to the 'reward', maybe I never met the right person, but would prefer to use my energy in more self centered ways.