If you had a baby with someone you broke up with or had a fling with

[Ella Spell]

My brother was a single dad too. He actually adopted. The bio mother was an addict who abandoned him as a toddler.

One of my exbfs was a single father of three.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I appreciate that but I struggle with lgbtq issues and also I would never judge anyone because I have complex ptsd and it is really hard to feel ready for true love when you have severe trauma like me, it can feel very daunting, scary and you can not want it and feel it to be suffocating.

I understand. In the midst of trauma one may feel quite alone and unlovable. At my lowest and experiencing an isolation that my mind saw as traumatic, I never saw anybody as caring and was determined to be self reliant. I did not know how to put into words my existential loneliness, nor ask for help with my social dysfunction. Things only changed for me after falling in with an older couple of hippies. They taught me acceptance and so I worked at accepting myself. I went from exuding a cloud of negativity to a positive appreciation of life and who I was.

I am judgemental, though. I judge cruelty to others harshly, and will not hold back towards those who would marginalize others or act to devalue them.

 

[Misty Avich]

I would love my son or daughter no matter what.

 

[VictorR]

Yes I know. But I do not think I would be very good with sons because I like femininity and I am very nurturing and boys can be a bit more active in terms of wanting to play trucks and in the sandpit and running around with handfuls of energy.
I am a very energetic person so if I had a boy, he would be full of energy probably.
I have never had children so I do not know, I have a big heart and am autistic so my daughter may be really kindhearted and naive.

I was once a boy. A boy with no interest in playing with trucks or in the sandbox. Nor was I one full of energy to run around with.

Most gender norms start with what parents project onto their kids, and later, what the kids encounter at school.

https://www.mamamia.com.au/treating-baby-boys-and-girls-differently/
A boy could very well be the kind, soft spoken caring child / best friend that you seek.

 

[kenaij]

I was once a boy. A boy with no interest in playing with trucks or in the sandbox. Nor was I one full of energy to run around with.

Most gender norms start with what parents project onto their kids, and later, what the kids encounter at school.

https://www.mamamia.com.au/treating-baby-boys-and-girls-differently/
A boy could very well be the kind, soft spoken caring child / best friend that you seek.

This, very good comment. I will not say I never project gender norms onto my children. Unknowingly I might. But particularly when I look at my son (5, daughter is 8) I let him do whatever. Even if it does not conform to the gender norms. For example. His sister likes to do makeup, nails, play pretend house. And he will sometimes want that to. So I let him. So what if he colors his nails. So what if he puts on makeup. he is a 3-5 year old child. He likes pretty colors.

 

[Misty Avich]

I was once a boy. A boy with no interest in playing with trucks or in the sandbox. Nor was I one full of energy to run around with.

Most gender norms start with what parents project onto their kids, and later, what the kids encounter at school.

https://www.mamamia.com.au/treating-baby-boys-and-girls-differently/
A boy could very well be the kind, soft spoken caring child / best friend that you seek.

I'm a girl but preferred playing with toy cars and trains to dolls. But it didn't make me less of a girl. I was a tomboy.

 

[kenaij]

When others see my son with paint on his nails or playing family with girls I get so many comments like: He is probably going to be gay. Looks like you are going to have 2 daughters in the future or something like that.
Which is total nonsense.
Sure he might very well be gay. But painting his nails at 5 because he likes pretty colors (usually bright red) or he prefers the playstyle of girls more is not prove of that. Him being attracted to other boys/men will be a sign. Not the way he plays.
Usually I just ignore the remarks. But sometimes I release hellfire upon the people making them for their ignorant viewpoint.

 

[All-Rounder]

Being an antinatalist this would imply that I throw my values away, or that the contraceptives and my unique structural build have failed. I was lucky enough to haven't been in this situation.

At one point, I was engaged to someone who wasn't fit for me. I threw away my values of not marrying and individuality in favor of emotional comfort and out of fear of relationship failure. One who is not married for their individuality is but a slave to an image that is not them. One of the main warnings marrying advice gives before marrying. Getting engaged was a big mistake, however there were implications we could live together only if married.

Anyhow, in an attempt to make the relationship work, I have proposed meet-in-the-middle options that would not impair and exacerbate my mental and physical health issues: adoption, surrogacy, shared parenting, visiting children and spend time with them, sperm donation to try to satisfy his needs but my partner was dead set on his options.

I dodged a big bullet for my life. I am very pleased with myself having given up working on that relationship, as it would have destroyed my chances of happiness and health in life. Everyone has the right to search for happiness, one of the main universal laws of the world, that cannot be violated no matter what state in the world you are.

I have a problem with the consent of an individual not being able to be offered, nobody can ask a person if they would like to be a part of this world. I also have a problem with the claim that life is fit for humans and that breeding is inherently good. There are many ideas as part of philsophical antinatalism I abide by and have always thought so, before I knew they have a name.

I'm very aware by working with gynecologists about the nature of contraceptives and their safety indexes. Most are very dangerous, some lead to death, some cancelled by the use or trace of soap, so my gynecologists do not suggest them. I use multiple means of contraceptives to ensure good success rates. The fact is there aren't many available which are safe to use or do not involve surgery or some sort of long-term effect. The act in itself does not seem safe.

My current partner has the same views on many levels, so that helps a lot. So we try to avoid it at all costs.

I can't imagine what life would be if I had a kid with my ex, because that would be my worst nightmare. However I have given it some thought, due to the possibility of it accidentally happening. If there was no way to abort (after which I would deal with the mental instability after such a loss in whatever way I knew), I would renounce my parental rights, and he would gladly embrace his because he was very passionate to have a child.

I would go on live my life as I could, the state would force me to get a job, or a better job, depending on whether they thought I can have a better job or not, as the state does, regardlessly of the other parent over-affording to fund the necessities of the child which would not affect the child. Since I have had many failures and downsides for workplaces, that is a very big issue for me.

Because I would want no contact with the person, I would have to renounce my rights of seeing the child too, because I can't stand people of a certain personality and people I had a very rocky past with which have put my health in danger and could use the child against me. But this would happen regardlessly, because once you give up your parental rights, you also give up the rights to see the child or spend time with the child. So yeah, I would do my best to live my life and make the best out of it.

I am ready to admit I am not fit for parenting. Most people aren't. My talents stand in other areas.

I would want the child to have a capable mother, like I want every child to have, but that would likely not be possible for me to produce or even up to me to decide.

 

[kenaij]

I have only commented off topic. So let me answer on topic. If I were in the situation like this I would like to keep the baby. In almost every case I am against abortion. I do not view it as the choice of a women's body but rather the choice over the life of a baby. I say almost every case because for example I can agree with a morning after pill eventhou there is a chance of the egg already being fertalized. Which gives it potential of life.
So I might not have a completely classical pro-life stance I do consider myself pro-life.

As for my own current life. I`m married and have 2 kids ages 5 and 8. If my wife were to get pregnant dispite all odds I would like to keep the baby because I feel we are more than capable of taking care of another child. The problem lies in the fact that my wife really does not want to become pregnant anymore. Mentally it would be really really hard on her. So she would want to abort the pregnancy. If we were ever in that situation it would be the biggest challenge of our marriage. She would have the ultimate choice. As I feel I have nothing to deside over the things she does with her body. But I will never be able to support her in choosing what is murder in my eyes. I won`t go with her to the clinic and the choice is completely her own. She also knows this as I have told her. How I will cope afterwards I don`t know.
We have talked about getting an operation that would make us unable to have children. But since the women's operation has a decently high risk and she generally is not that lucky with surgeries and negative side effects that won`t happen yet. And I won`t have the surgery either. Because if the highly unlikely change happens that we get a divorce and I find someone else I don`t know for sure I wouldn`t want another child with that person.

Again. My wife already has IUS birth control so the chances of the above happening are luckily very slim.

 

[Slime_Punk]

I never want kids, but the joke in my household is "If anything happens between us, we're still raising these 6 dogs together, like it or not". (This is a mutual agreement from both sides)

I wouldn't even abandon them, so I have no idea how people do that with humans. My babies mean the world to me.

 

[Misty Avich]

When others see my son with paint on his nails or playing family with girls I get so many comments like: He is probably going to be gay. Looks like you are going to have 2 daughters in the future or something like that.
Which is total BS.
Sure he might very well be gay. But painting his nails at 5 because he likes pretty colors (usually bright red) or he prefers the playstyle of girls more is not prove of that. Him being attracted to other boys/men will be a sign. Not the way he plays.
Usually I just ignore the remarks. But sometimes I release hellfire upon the people making them for their ignorant viewpoint.

Yes, I feel gender shouldn't have to go further than what sex organs one has. If a boy wants to play with dolls or paint his nails then that's fine. It doesn't necessarily mean he's going to be gay either.
When I was a little girl I often pretended to be a boy. I even stopped wearing skirts to school. Then I got obsessed with a female teacher, and I wore sports clothes and got interested in cars (not a special interest, just casual). I even related to the boys better at school. And people started assuming that I was gay and that my mum will no longer have a daughter. But that was wrong. I'm still a female. I just wasn't very good at conforming to female norms. And I'm not gay at all. I like men and have a husband. Although I can get obsessed with a woman, there's nothing sexual about it. It's just a heterosexual crush or admiration.

 

[All-Rounder]

I find people who just breed instead of adopting some child who cries daily and really needs parents quite selfish and I don't believe there is any real reason to breed instead, and any difference worth noting between a random mix of genetics nobody has chosen.

It's like there is a lot of food in the fridge that could go off but they make more.

Some claim their child would be superior and that children in adoption centers are broken in some way. That's a bit judgemental and not always true.

Some claim that love is dependent on genetics. I think love is above any of these superficial things, it's unconditional.

There are a lot of selfish senseless desires in the human psyche that come from a wilfulness to live forever, to propel own genetics, to have a little version of themselves [which can even damage the child who is not them], to spread out and multiply akin to a virus [Matrix the movie quote], unlike any other mammal.

These are very powerful in influencing people's choices.

 

[All-Rounder]

If handling another dog would impose harm onto the dog or carers, then I would give it to someone who is able to offer it what it needs.

But I can't handle having my own dog so I don't have any [except low maintenance plushies].

 

[All-Rounder]

Even though I'm an antinatalist and I didn't even abort, I still felt emotions linked to a potential future child that would be mine. I went through a phase which I could only process by spinnning empty children's swing seats and trying to let go.

These things can be impressively high impact to people, I never thought I would have such emotion even if I aborted. Humans are humans.

 

[kenaij]

I find people who just breed instead of adopting some child who cries daily and really needs parents quite selfish and I don't believe there is any real reason to breed instead, and any difference worth noting between a random mix of genetics nobody has chosen.

This is a comment that can only be made by someone that really does not understand. Adoption is a great option for people unable to have children on their own or do not have the desire to pro-create.

But simply stating it is a form of wanting to live forever is a little shortsighted.
I for one can say without a question of a doubt I could never care or love for a child as much as would for my own child.
The fact they carry your own traits and that of the partner you chose is not something that is only said. It is a feeling I really cannot discribe to you. To see a mixture of your partner's and your own traits in your child is a feeling you will never be able to understand. I don`t claim people who only have adopted children do not experience deep love for them. I`m sure there are many parents of adopted children that are far better parents than some biological parents.

From your point of view I might be selfish. But if everyone that had a childwish would adopt we would have waiting lists that won`t allow for people to become parents before they reach their 40's.

 

[tree]

Since the term "antinatalist" has been used a few times in this thread,
here are links defining/explaining/discussing it.

https://iep.utm.edu/anti-natalism/
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antinatalism
https://www.bbc.com/news/blogs-trending-49298720

Spoiler

While 'anti-natalism' is not the topic of this thread,
since the word has been used several times in
relation to the actual topic, it seemed reasonable
to me to offer links.

It's not what I'd call an optimistic concept.

 

[All-Rounder]

This is a comment that can only be made by someone that really does not understand. Adoption is a great option for people unable to have children on their own or do not have the desire to pro-create.

But simply stating it is a form of wanting to live forever is a little shortsighted.
I for one can say without a question of a doubt I could never care or love for a child as much as would for my own child.
The fact they carry your own traits and that of the partner you chose is not something that is only said. It is a feeling I really cannot discribe to you. To see a mixture of your partner's and your own traits in your child is a feeling you will never be able to understand. I don`t claim people who only have adopted children do not experience deep love for them. I`m sure there are many parents of adopted children that are far better parents than some biological parents.

From your point of view I might be selfish. But if everyone that had a childwish would adopt we would have waiting lists that won`t allow for people to become parents before they reach their 40's.

I acknowledged that there is desire in the human being. I understand human desire but I do my best to distance from it.

My views are different, not because I don't understand how hard it is to renounce some desires, wishes, goals and hopes, but because I don't think they are productive.

Society would fix the waiting list if such was the case. That's what happens or should when something doesn't function properly. More kids would be adopted. But currently, this is not the case but it still stops people from doing a good to another.

I don't mean to send a personal message to you, but I want to express my beliefs. I know none of us are perfect. I just want the freedom to think and distinguish choices.

 

[All-Rounder]

The things I named are some claims I have heard, not by you but by various people and exes, only one is something you actually expressed. We don't have to agree, sorry if I hit some nerve by what I said.

 

[All-Rounder]

You can continue with your points if you would like, if you have any thoughts on what I said. I don't mind it.

 

[All-Rounder]

I have thought about the mixture of genetic material, and visible traits, it can be endearing and fascinating to imagine and tell myself this story based on which I can feel emotion, one problem for me would be that I could not have any guarantees that these traits would be pleasant for long.

The rate of divorce, regardless of me and my ex both being atheists which would decrease the divorce rate for us, was still not low. The problem with permanent choices is that things often change. If we had a divorce those traits would become disgusting and disturbing instead of what I planned and wanted.

And it's pretty unnecessary in my opinion to consider such small things more than they are. This is more so romanticizing parenting, and doesn't deliver the true experience sight where things aren't so simple and artistic. Where the main reason is to give life, facility and opportunity to another.