I'm a bit confused, is it his Aspieness or what....?

[MrSpock]

I don't know him, and give this information hesitantly. I'm an aspie male, and I wouldn't see the girl I like telling me what's bothering her as confrontational, rather it is informative, and good information to have if I'm going to make her happy. I request such information, and unfortunately she's hesitant to give it, things would go more smoothly if she did. Maybe you will find it easier knowing that it's not likely to be adversarial, it probably won't hurt his feelings.

The one I like informed me that I have Asperger's... eventually. She was scared that I would take offence to this information, and was shocked when I thanked her and asked her more about it. She was doing me a favour, and she can claim credit for a lot of my personal growth in the time I've known her. It seems that we're offended by different things than are most people. You could not offend me by offering me information about yourself, such as what bothers you.

 

[fuzz]

This is quite difficult to give advice on. I get the feeling he may not know himself what would help him be more reliable.

Has he ever brought up ideas for what you might do to spend time together? Similar to how he mentioned he might want to call you, it sounds to me like there are some scenarios involving both of you that he finds easier than others.

Maybe give him 2 or 3 options on what you might spend time doing together. I can't guarantee it would work for him but I know it would help me if I was in a relationship and my partner did that

 

[Hedgehog Instigator]

That's difficult for me- as I'm not good at confrontation, and wouldn't want to hurt his feelings....

I'm telling you this from a place of experience I often have no clue something it's even a issue until it's too late

 

[Warmheart]

But... that's kind of actually why you're here.
You're not alone! Many NTs keep things relatively quiet, let things slide... nobody likes conflict, right? Makes sense! Plus, normally, hints, sad faces, deep sighs... cues usually do get picked up by one's mate. But ASD is a social disability. We miss those cues. Our partners NEED to get comfortable being direct about what they want and need.... then give us specifics in how to get there.

Good, clear communication can help you feel more connected to him.

Some of us even have written lists: "Hug wife daily upon arrival home." I know, you might wish he'd just *know* to do stuff like this, as a list seems kind of robotic and planned... but rest assured, that the FEELINGS are there! We aren't the best at knowing always how to express them. Executive functioning can be challenging for us, too.

In fact, the "The Journal of Best Practices" was written by an Aspie hubby. Direct communication really can help an Aspie understand better how to make you feel loved and supported.

You are doing a great job in coming here to find an Aspie perspective. I hope you two grow closer and feel more connected.

 

[ladybug]

But... that's kind of actually why you're here.
You're not alone! Many NTs keep things relatively quiet, let things slide... nobody likes conflict, right? Makes sense! Plus, normally, hints, sad faces, deep sighs... cues usually do get picked up by one's mate. But ASD is a social disability. We miss those cues. Our partners NEED to get comfortable being direct about what they want and need.... then give us specifics in how to get there.

Good, clear communication can help you feel more connected to him.

Some of us even have written lists: "Hug wife daily upon arrival home." I know, you might wish he'd just *know* to do stuff like this, as a list seems kind of robotic and planned... but rest assured, that the FEELINGS are there! We aren't the best at knowing always how to express them. Executive functioning can be challenging for us, too.

In fact, the "The Journal of Best Practices" was written by an Aspie hubby. Direct communication really can help an Aspie understand better how to make you feel loved and supported.

You are doing a great job in coming here to find an Aspie perspective. I hope you two grow closer and feel more connected.

Yes it is why I'm here....
Can you suggest ways that I can phrase this without hurting/offending him....? I don't want to say something that he could take the wrong way....

 

[ladybug]

I'm telling you this from a place of experience I often have no clue something it's even a issue until it's too late

Thanks,
I need actual phrases that would convey that...!!

 

[MrSpock]

Ladybug, please provide a list of the things that you need phrases to convey. You say you need phrases that would convey "that". I'm not sure what "that" is.

 

[ladybug]

Ladybug, please provide a list of the things that you need phrases to convey. You say you need phrases that would convey "that". I'm not sure what "that" is.

Ok..
Phrases for....
1. Why do you cancel our time at short notice - in place of others/brother?
2. Do you find our arrangements or me disposable...?
3. Am I 'hard work' for you to be with..?

 

[Judge]

Ok..
Phrases for....
1. Why do you cancel our time at short notice - in place of others/brother?
2. Do you find our arrangements or me disposable...?
3. Am I 'hard work' for you to be with..?

You might consider though that there's also a possibility that he may not want to deal with such questions. Sometimes putting one on the spot can have some very unintended reactions. Though we're all different. No way to know how he will handle them.

 

[MrSpock]

"Why did you cancel our time together, it is inconvenient for me, particularly when you give such short notice?" I wouldn't mention that you have made the assumption that the others are "in place" of you. That may not be the case, and could confuse the situation. He may be looking at other factors besides the value he places on the others and on yourself. An example from my life, I like to play pool. I may play pool with John instead of watching Little Women with Mary. I am not spending time with John instead of spending time with Mary, I am playing pool instead of watching Little Women.

Everything is disposable. You may be setting yourself up for disappointment with that question. While he would continue to survive without you, he may consider you to be very valuable to him, his life may be much more rewarding with you in it, it may be near impossible to replace you with another of equal value to him. "Do you place a high value on me?" "Do I add to the reward you experience from life?" "Do you think it would be easy to find a girlfriend (whatever term you use) of equal or greater value to you than myself?"

It's quite possible that he will find any social arrangement hard work, this does not mean that he's not prepared, even hungry, to do that hard work for the reward that is your presence in his life. I'm not sure why you would want to ask this question. If it is hard work, you might take that as a compliment, it's hard work but he still wants to do it. If it is not hard work... sorry. I really don't understand why you would ask. Oh, maybe you would like to make it easier for him? In that case, "How can I make this relationship less work for you, or is that even something I need to worry about?"

 

[ladybug]

"Why did you cancel our time together, it is inconvenient for me, particularly when you give such short notice?" I wouldn't mention that you have made the assumption that the others are "in place" of you. That may not be the case, and could confuse the situation. He may be looking at other factors besides the value he places on the others and on yourself. An example from my life, I like to play pool. I may play pool with John instead of watching Little Women with Mary. I am not spending time with John instead of spending time with Mary, I am playing pool instead of watching Little Women.

Everything is disposable. You may be setting yourself up for disappointment with that question. While he would continue to survive without you, he may consider you to be very valuable to him, his life may be much more rewarding with you in it, it may be near impossible to replace you with another of equal value to him. "Do you place a high value on me?" "Do I add to the reward you experience from life?" "Do you think it would be easy to find a girlfriend (whatever term you use) of equal or greater value to you than myself?"

It's quite possible that he will find any social arrangement hard work, this does not mean that he's not prepared, even hungry, to do that hard work for the reward that is your presence in his life. I'm not sure why you would want to ask this question. If it is hard work, you might take that as a compliment, it's hard work but he still wants to do it. If it is not hard work... sorry. I really don't understand why you would ask. Oh, maybe you would like to make it easier for him? In that case, "How can I make this relationship less work for you, or is that even something I need to worry about?"

Ha...! You see it as very different from what I intended ...(and I suspect he would see it like you..!)
I do not want to be 'hard work' for him, - I place no value in the thought that " to be with me you have to work hard/ earn me"..... no, no, no that's not me at all- certainly not what I want him to feel/experience of being in a relationship with me...!!
I want him to know, that it bugs me when he 'drops' our time over others... and want to know what he uses as a base for this decision.....

 

[ladybug]

You might consider though that there's also a possibility that he may not want to deal with such questions. Sometimes putting one on the spot can have some very unintended reactions. Though we're all different. No way to know how he will handle them.

Yes - he does not like confrontation... but I'd like to find a way if letting him know, that it makes me unhappy, when he does this.... (not often, I'll grant you, but I'd rather not want it to go on as an 'ok' behaviour)

 

[Judge]

Yes - he does not like confrontation... but I'd like to find a way if letting him know, that it makes me unhappy, when he does this.... (not often, I'll grant you, but I'd rather not want it to go on as an 'ok' behaviour)

I'd be careful then. Approach such issues with caution. Back away from doing so if he seems mentally/emotionally exhausted. Otherwise things might backfire on you.

But then in all honesty that's me I'm considering. Not necessarily him.

 

[MrSpock]

Maybe any relationship will be hard work for him, you may be less work for him than another would be. It did not even enter my head that he is 'earning you' in any way.

"...it bugs me when he 'drops' our time over others... and want to know what he uses as a base for this decision....." Again, not necessarily based on your time versus other's time. Maybe you should refer to specific instances, and recall the instances without assumption of which part of the instances he's using to base a decision on. Asking what he does base the decision on is a good idea IMO.

"We had plans to go for ice-cream on Saturday, and you cancelled at the last minute to fly kites with John.- 1 or 2 then Cont.
1-That bugs me, I wish you would give me more notice.
2-That bugs me, I wish you would arrange a different time with John when you've already made a commitment to me.
Cont.- Would you rather fly kites with me than go for ice-cream with me? Is there something we could do differently that would make you want to spend more time with me?"

That sort of thing. Be direct, and specific. Don't ask anything that you don't need answered, don't include something that's irrelevant in your question or he may give you an irrelevant answer - irrelevant to your intent, but relevant to how you've worded it. Personally I have trouble prioritizing information received from someone else, I suppose I may be missing a filter that NTs have. I expect others (perhaps foolishly) to filter their communication in this way before they ask me to process it. Garbage in, garbage out.

I hope that this clears things a bit for you, if not feel free to keep asking, I'll keep replying and perhaps someone else will give you a better answer than I have been able to.

 

[ladybug]

Maybe any relationship will be hard work for him, you may be less work for him than another would be. It did not even enter my head that he is 'earning you' in any way.

"...it bugs me when he 'drops' our time over others... and want to know what he uses as a base for this decision....." Again, not necessarily based on your time versus other's time. Maybe you should refer to specific instances, and recall the instances without assumption of which part of the instances he's using to base a decision on. Asking what he does base the decision on is a good idea IMO.

"We had plans to go for ice-cream on Saturday, and you cancelled at the last minute to fly kites with John.- 1 or 2 then Cont.
1-That bugs me, I wish you would give me more notice.
2-That bugs me, I wish you would arrange a different time with John when you've already made a commitment to me.
Cont.- Would you rather fly kites with me than go for ice-cream with me? Is there something we could do differently that would make you want to spend more time with me?"

That sort of thing. Be direct, and specific. Don't ask anything that you don't need answered, don't include something that's irrelevant in your question or he may give you an irrelevant answer - irrelevant to your intent, but relevant to how you've worded it. Personally I have trouble prioritizing information received from someone else, I suppose I may be missing a filter that NTs have. I expect others (perhaps foolishly) to filter their communication in this way before they ask me to process it. Garbage in, garbage out.

I hope that this clears things a bit for you, if not feel free to keep asking, I'll keep replying and perhaps someone else will give you a better answer than I have been able to.

This is all good information, to 'hear' how my questions might be perceived.... thank you for your insight and patience with my NT questions....

 

[ladybug]

I'd be careful then. Approach such issues with caution. Back away from doing so if he seems mentally/emotionally exhausted. Otherwise things might backfire on you.

But then in all honesty that's me I'm considering. Not necessarily him.

Yes... I agree, after an abrupt 'drop' for time with another, I tend to tread very 'lightly'.... as he seems withdrawn and a bit 'raw'.... so I usually, text once or twice over a few days... just 'morning, it's a glorious day' etc... nothing he had to answer.....

 

[Judge]

Yes... I agree, after an abrupt 'drop' for time with another, I tend to tread very 'lightly'.... as he seems withdrawn and a bit 'raw'.... so I usually, text once or twice over a few days... just 'morning, it's a glorious day' etc... nothing he had to answer.....

Timing of an important message is everything. Just don't water down the message though when the time is right. Be direct and concise.

 

[ladybug]

I don't know him, and give this information hesitantly. I'm an aspie male, and I wouldn't see the girl I like telling me what's bothering her as confrontational, rather it is informative, and good information to have if I'm going to make her happy. I request such information, and unfortunately she's hesitant to give it, things would go more smoothly if she did. Maybe you will find it easier knowing that it's not likely to be adversarial, it probably won't hurt his feelings.

The one I like informed me that I have Asperger's... eventually. She was scared that I would take offence to this information, and was shocked when I thanked her and asked her more about it. She was doing me a favour, and she can claim credit for a lot of my personal growth in the time I've known her. It seems that we're offended by different things than are most people. You could not offend me by offering me information about yourself, such as what bothers you.

Ok... I understand what you're saying, that's clear to me. Can I ask, in general, if your partner asked you the question ...

' What can I do, for our relationship, to make you happier?'....

Is that too vague? Is it clear? Would you know that I'm asking... 'Are there things/pressures/arrangements that I do that make being in a relationship with me, annoying/stressful to you?'

 

[ladybug]

Timing of an important message is everything. Just don't water down the message though when the time is right. Be direct and concise.

Yes, I will..... he's text (firstly) and then called today, after a general 'morning' text from me (this is his way of appearing out of his 'cave' to see what kind of response he gets) - as I say, I think in previous relationships (reading between the lines) this may have been an issue, but as I've read here and on other places to let him come back around on his own - I let him know I'm here... but no pressure to get back in touch or interrogate him about his 'dropping' our time ...

He'll be having 'down time' for him where he is spending the day with a worker (who speaks very little English) doing repairs on a heating system, on a property.... he works in law... so this is good news for me to hear!! after his weekend with his brother (stress family stuff)... he is having his kind of 'fun' fixing stuff....

 

[MrSpock]

' What can I do, for our relationship, to make you happier?'....

It's a general question as opposed to specific, but then I think that you're meaning to ask something that might cover a lot of ground. I would take the question as you've phrased it to mean that you want to know if there is something you're not doing that you could do to improve things. I wouldn't have thought you were asking if there's anything you could stop doing to improve things. "Is there anything I do which you'd like me to stop doing or do differently?" If I asked such a question and got an answer that did mention something I might stop doing or do differently I'd then ask why the thing(s) should be stopped or changed - not to question the fact that change would help, but so that the changes made are made in the right direction.