I'm a bit confused, is it his Aspieness or what....?

[ladybug]

That is exactly the kind of thing that I mean... you've phased it well...!! Thanks

 

[ladybug]

1. 
   ladybugActive Member
   I'm in this relationship with a wonderful man that I do love - we met just as I was leaving my husband of 25 yrs and my family were devastated as they didn't see it coming (I'm good at putting up with things then snap-that's it!)
   My partner and I see each other at weekends when I stay over and we see each other once during the week.... he has training he goes to mons, thurs and sat morn- but he hadn't been to for two months (as he was away on holiday for a month with his brother and he had flu for a month) I encouraged him to go back because I know this routine is good for him physically and mentally. The last month has been a strain for me as I've been made redundant and I am the one supporting my children. He had ended his previous relationship about 24 months ago, but she wouldn't leave their holiday home- this was stressful for him as he loves it there, and so couldn't go over there. She has now left, cost him a lot to move her on... he wouldn't confront her just kept telling her to get on with her life. So I know there a lot of changes for anyone and especially someone who I suspect is Aspie... hes has down time that he told me about and I am fine with it, it was different for me not to have an issue, as he only 'informs' me of his plans usually the day before and this gets frustrating as I've to plan being away, or not etc.
   His brother takes up a lot of his time, neither of them has many/any friends, I also think that as they are close, they drop everything else when they spend time together (his brother goes to the training too) so I think they see each other lots...
   Hes just 'informed' me that 'I'm not going to be around this weekend I'm going to spend a bit of time with him, before his ex arrives'... he seems to just announce these things, and change our plans the day before.... not often, but that's twice in a month...
   oh forgot to mention his brother is getting divorced, his wife lives aborad, but is returning for a few weeks, his brother 'wont have her at his house' so she will be staying at my parteners...!!
   He seems to prioritise everyone before us/me...? Am I missing something..? or being too NT...? I love him very much, and we get on exceptionally well, its like he has no awareness of my feelings of this, being disposed of at the last minute.... its like because he's made his mind up, there is no discussion or consideration of my plans or feelings....
   Advice please...?
   
   Friday at 3:52 AM
   
   Ok... the update is... after his down time... came back and was chatty and we went out last night... had a lovely evening.... we chatted about possible plans for weekend... going out... just casual stuff...he thought it all sounded good... just lazy hanging out stuff..... told him that I'd seen my sis in law as she asked about my plans fir Easter- I said probably seeing bf and general stuff... told her that due to my family lack of support, I was planning stuff with him...(we had a bike trip planned in 3weeks) etc... we chatted and made out and laughed... he texted me this morn by his pet name fir me (again very loving- etc) I text back usual morning greeting... and get on with my day.... then he calls me and asks about my day etc... genera chit chat..(again very usual for him to keep in contact during the day) then this eve I get a text saying... he can't see a future with me as my family haven't accepted him... my ex has poisoned my kids against him.... my brothers had my ex to their house at xmas (as my kids wanted their dad there) and he's tried to be involved in my family (he hasn't because he didn't like big social scenes...) he's not said that he doesn't want/ love me anymore... I tried to call him back (only once )but he didn't answer.... I've texted him back saying that I want to see him... I'm so confused... he's staying at his brother this weekend...
   Help ...?

 

[MrSpock]

I'm sorry Ladybug. I get the impression that you really want this to work, and he would be a very fortunate person if you had your way. So far as I can tell from your description this latest thing has little or nothing to do with his aspieness.

I've never really been close to my family, and have little experience with romance for someone my age. My initial reaction, for what it's worth, is that he has made a judgement call that is actually yours to make. I wouldn't really care much if my gf and my parents were close or not, but to some people this can be very important. I guess he assumes that this is important to you. If it's not important to you then I don't see why it should matter to him, either, except perhaps where your kids are concerned and depending on their ages, if it is likely that he would end up living with them at some point. Does it seem important to him that you spend time with his family? It occurs to me that (if true) you might text him that it doesn't matter to you if he spends time with your family or not, but I'm certainly not recommending it. Not sure how qualified I am to have an opinion. But I'm still cheering for you.

 

[ladybug]

Thanks.... I'm really quite devastated... ive told him that I see our future as he and I, as when we are together, we don't need lots of big social stuff to 'fill in' time etc.... he said almost at the begging that he wasn't good with big social things (as i have a bigger family than his).... he has his mum and two brothers- but only sees the one brother now...

 

[ladybug]

I'm sorry Ladybug. I get the impression that you really want this to work, and he would be a very fortunate person if you had your way. So far as I can tell from your description this latest thing has little or nothing to do with his aspieness.

I've never really been close to my family, and have little experience with romance for someone my age. My initial reaction, for what it's worth, is that he has made a judgement call that is actually yours to make. I wouldn't really care much if my gf and my parents were close or not, but to some people this can be very important. I guess he assumes that this is important to you. If it's not important to you then I don't see why it should matter to him, either, except perhaps where your kids are concerned and depending on their ages, if it is likely that he would end up living with them at some point. Does it seem important to him that you spend time with his family? It occurs to me that (if true) you might text him that it doesn't matter to you if he spends time with your family or not, but I'm certainly not recommending it. Not sure how qualified I am to have an opinion. But I'm still cheering for you.

ok... just off the phone from him... he seems very angry at the 'lack of care' from my family for me.... he feels there is no support for me, from them and if in the future we met/bumped into them, he would be angry and not be able to 'hold himself back' from telling them all.... he feels that if i'd already 'been divorced' he'd have stood a chance.... he sees things as 'very black and white, and these feelings have been building for a while'... i said that my connection with my family was my call... i understand that he didn't want to have much/anything to do with them (my immediate family- except my mum- who he likes) but said that we are meeting my cousin for lunch next weekend and that my extended family were more readily on side.... I told him that i loved him and i wasnt going anywhere, what we have is too good/rare to just give up, because of 'others lack of involvement with me'... it was left that he'd do his stuff this weekend ( his ex sis-in-law, will be staying at his (she's coming from India), while his brother freaks out as he doesn't want anything to do with her... he's been left to handle this too, so I know hes under a huge amount of pressure- and told him this.... But asked him if he loved me, he said 'yes - you are a very special girl'... I've told him that hes making this decision on others and not on US!!
My head is swimming..... Thoughts from anyone??