I'm Still Learning...

[SnailPie]

Try not to make the list too long

Hope it works out for you, ypu both seem to be moving in a positive direction.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! I obviously have LOTS of trouble keeping things brief, but I'm trying to edit. Right now it's only about five pages... seriously! And yes, I know I can't give that to him. His eyes will glaze over and he'll probably fall off his chair...

 

[Fitzo]

This might be completely out of left field, but is there any possibility of you guys moving into a new place where it's neutral territory?

I know from my own experience that I could never live with someone in MY house. Because it's MY house and I get irrationally annoyed by anything anyone else does in MY SPACE! Unless of course I actually ask them to.

I know it's not rational or fair but I can't seem to change how I feel. In the (very unlikely) event that I ever considered living with someone again, I know it couldn't possibly work unless we got another place that was OURS!

It might not be a solution to your problems, but it's just a thought. Good luck. I hope you work things out and you have a great year

 

[SnailPie]

Hi Fitzo,
Yes, that's the plan eventually. I have to give him credit that he's adjusting as well as he has been to my being here. He's been here at least ten years all alone, and he likes his things the way he likes them.
We have come to the same conclusion; that the only way I'm ever going to really feel at home is in a new place all our own. Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a museum of his life before I came along, and I really do need a home of my own. It's very stressful trying to shoehorn myself into the limited space that's available.
But it is what it is for now, and we're making the best of it. Slowly, we're getting some routines down, and working through the misunderstandings. It ain't easy, though!

 

[Catalyst]

So, I carefully read through everything in this thread, and aside from his self-esteem issues, it almost sounds like Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Except overconfidence is one of the hallmarks of that. However, looking it up might give some ideas of what to do.

Something else that came to mind was Sean (can't remember the last name) and his thought processes he wrote about in Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships. It's a good book, btw, from the point of view of two people with "classic" autism who took different paths in negotiating their way into being more social. Temple Grandin, who is the other author, took a very logical approach. Sean was contrastingly emotional. His view growing up was very negative, he had low self-esteem, and couldn't seem to view anyone else in a positive light. Except he was silent about how he "got revenge," so to speak. (Marking Xs on a piece of paper unknown to the person he was "punishing" at one point, pointedly ignoring another.) Most of us fall somewhere in between Temple and Sean in terms of logical vs emotional, but it does sound like your bf is much like the emotional side of things.

The book might be helpful to your bf if he would be willing to read it, but it doesn't sound like it. However, Sean's story might give you some insight into the way your bf thinks and feels. I'll be honest. I don't know how helpful it will be to you, because understanding where he's coming from might not be enough to "fix" things if he's not willing to budge on certain issues.

Last thing that occured to me was the book Five Love Languages. There's one for each kind of relationship, I think, but the original one was for married couples who seemed to have fallen out of love. That may not quite be the case for you, but it's a good read for couples (if he's willing to read it) and talks about how different people show their love differently. You've already picked up on how he tries to do things for you and help you. That's part of his love language. But he may need to realize yours needs a certain kind of attention. I certainly hope the book won't start a fight, but I'd like to think there's still hope.

Honestly, my husband and I didn't resolve our issues (I'm bipolar on top of AS, and he has anxiety and *ahems* frustration issues) until after we were separated. But by the time we'd healed and could think about trying again, he already had a gf and didn't want to hurt her by getting back with me. (Some people think it's a lame excuse, but honestly we were on the last of the paperwork for divorce, so I can see where he's coming from.) As such, I'm probably not the best person to give love advice when mental issues are involved, but I'm hoping my interest in psychology has something of value to you.

 

[SnailPie]

Hi Catalyst,
Thanks for your detailed reply!
I will have to look up the first book you mentioned, the "Unwritten Rules". It sounds fascinating!

I thought about the Narcissistic personality side of things several months ago, but it really doesn't fit my sweetheart. He's very humble, and really has no interest in revenge or being better than/more powerful than anyone else. He doesn't play games. He really, like me, just wants to be loved, accepted, and understood for who he is.
There is no passive aggression...no aggression... He's a very decent human being. Honest to a fault. Extremely talented yet truly modest.
Definitely NOT over-confident, he is fairly shy and introverted, really.
He is, however, extremely sensitive and tends to take everything personally. Any criticism, or sometimes just having a different opinion, can seem to hurt his feelings. He is NEVER hostile, never raises his voice (except when we're having an argument that has already escalated.)

He has a hard time understanding my point of view, but it's quite clear to me that he WANTs to. He just...doesn't get it.


As for the books---I hear ya! I have read the Five Love Languages myself, among many others.
I don't think my Aspie guy would ever read anything like that. He tends to keep his own counsel and tends to think what he knows already is sufficient...

I've talked about my love language, he just doesn't understand how physical touch can be so powerful for me, because it's not for him. He is unable to identify any love language for himself, but I can tell you, it's Quality Time. He likes doing things together, and having great conversations. That's his #1.

My ex was some type of Covert/Vulnerable Narcissist. He was a liar and a cheater.
I am so sorry your marriage isn't working out. It's so hard to go through all that, and even though I can say there is life on the other side, it's very painful to get there.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write. I hope things get better for you soon!

 

[Catalyst]

It's very possible he suffers from the "guy syndrome." lol You know, believes he knows everything he needs to know. Hehe... I know, not all guys are like that. But it's one of the few things I'll tease about.

It's nice to know you've read Five Love Languages. My sister had recommended the book to me when I was talking about how different people express love differently. I just hadn't known at the time there was something to my theory. I just knew how my boyfriend at one time and my husband expressed love was vastly different from each other. And shows you learned from it that you can identify his love language.

Anyway, the "not confident" thing was definitely throwing me off Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but the more you describe him the more I can see how that's not a fit. But it does remind me more and more of Sean's story. Unfortunately, the thing that kind of "flipped Sean's switch," so to speak, was watching a movie about someone with autism and his parents telling him, "That's you." And things kinda fell into place for him. Along with long nights of talks. I believe he was 16 when it happened. But it doesn't sound like your bf wants to hear that.

 

[SnailPie]

It's very possible he suffers from the "guy syndrome." lol You know, believes he knows everything he needs to know. Hehe... I know, not all guys are like that. But it's one of the few things I'll tease about.

It's nice to know you've read Five Love Languages. My sister had recommended the book to me when I was talking about how different people express love differently. I just hadn't known at the time there was something to my theory. I just knew how my boyfriend at one time and my husband expressed love was vastly different from each other. And shows you learned from it that you can identify his love language.

Anyway, the "not confident" thing was definitely throwing me off Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but the more you describe him the more I can see how that's not a fit. But it does remind me more and more of Sean's story. Unfortunately, the thing that kind of "flipped Sean's switch," so to speak, was watching a movie about someone with autism and his parents telling him, "That's you." And things kinda fell into place for him. Along with long nights of talks. I believe he was 16 when it happened. But it doesn't sound like your bf wants to hear that.

Nope. He doesn't. But he is willing to hear my observations on some things he does, if they're presented respectfully, calmly, and he has time to process them.
I don't think he'll ever want to have any label applied to him.

And yes, he is very much a "guy" as much as he likes to believe he's not like the rest of them.
(Which he's not--he's better than so many, but still is very much a man's man. But very respectful and caring towards women. Definitely not a jerk!)

I am convinced he's on the spectrum for SO many reasons. He's got massive sensory issues, the rigid routines, stubbornness, argumentative nature, not being able to empathize easily, extremely focused on his interests, to the point where is the the worlds' foremost authority on two of them, he is absolutely obsessive about anything and everything to do with them too, all day, every day, he'd never stop. It's also his work, so I'm out of luck when he gets going. He can always say "it's work!" He's written books... I could go on.
He says he's much better with me than with his TWO wives who came before. Much more affectionate he'd said, more willing to make changes. I know he was a lot younger then, but I don't know how they put up with some of his quirks. All I can guess is that he's gotten worse as he's gotten older, and I didn't get the impression that those two women were all that interested in being super close and emotionally connected. They were kind of busy with their own stuff and I think the relationship rode quite a bit on his "fame" and the lifestyle connected with him.


I'm just guessing though, since I wasn't there. He really is a sweetheart, but sometimes just stubbornly clueless.

 

[Catalyst]

Hmm... That sounds like an opening, at least. Just keep presenting Aspie behaviors to him one at a time with time to process? No label, just... "Hey, I've noticed." Kinda sounds like you're doing that already, though.

 

[SnailPie]

That's kind of my devious plan...

It's funny though. Some of the things he tries to pin on ME (projecting, big time) sound like things he's heard from somebody else... about being "too sensitive" and such.
It's like he's waiting for me to complain about these things, and I never have.

I really don't think any of my "complaints" are completely new to him. It's not possible that no one has mentioned any of his more problematic behaviors before. On the other hand, I think perhaps it's that he wants to continue to believe it's all me, being difficult, that he isn't the problem at all. So he won't admit that others have told him the same thing I'm telling him.
It doesn't make him a bad guy...but he seems to take it really hard when he makes a mistake.

I'm willing to own my ridiculous behavior... seems we all should so we can improve, right?

 

[Catalyst]

Interestingly, one of the Unwritten Rules is "Don't be afraid to make a mistake." Kinda paraphrasing there, I think.

The likelihood that no one's mentioned it before is probably pretty slim. Unless he was with a lot of people who were just trying to make him happy, and it sure doesn't sound like it! Reminds me of a joke of Ron White being on a base and the number of men is mentioned and someone shouts "And every one of them is a bad lay." Well, didn't use "lay," but trying to be polite. His response was something to the effect of "If all of these people had the same exact problem, I would ask myself, 'Maybe it's me. Maybe I should pick up a book.'"

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Sometimes I feel like I'm living in a museum of his life before I came along

Typical man. Doesn’t want you to touch his exhibits.

 

[SnailPie]

Typical man. Doesn’t want you to touch his exhibits.

Indeed. We live in a "museum" of his collections. And I am not even close to kidding!!!
We joke that if we ever get a new home, there needs to be a climate-controlled room filled with glass display cases to showcase all the historic treasures he has collected over the decades. He is well-known in his field and has an extensive array of objects associated with it--and very few of them are smaller than a breadbox.

So--yeah. You're right!

 

[SnailPie]

Interestingly, one of the Unwritten Rules is "Don't be afraid to make a mistake." Kinda paraphrasing there, I think.

Reminds me of a joke of Ron White being on a base and the number of men is mentioned and someone shouts "And every one of them is a bad lay." Well, didn't use "lay," but trying to be polite. His response was something to the effect of "If all of these people had the same exact problem, I would ask myself, 'Maybe it's me. Maybe I should pick up a book.'"

That's a good one...too true!