In my 40's. Never been on a date.

[Tony Ramirez]

I went to Chuch today. I have not been in an while. Someone I did not know from the members meeting came up to me and we talked quite an bit 8. I think she was single.

The other Tony and his wife was there. I did not want to interact with them but they were still friendly.

I then went to an picnic after the Church had that was mainly for the youth. There was a women there and I wanted to but just could not talk to her 10. I also saw her at the service. She spent most of her time playing with some mothers infant. There was an brief introduction when someone else talked to her and she said she was new here. I just couldn't do it. Talk to her. Of course I ended up talking to another woman I meet at pray group who is single but I know already 6.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I went to Chuch today. I have not been in an while. Someone I did not know from the members meeting came up to me and we talked quite an bit 8. I think she was single.

The other Tony and his wife was there. I did not want to interact with them but they were still friendly.

I then went to an picnic after the Church had that was mainly for the youth. There was a women there and I wanted to but just could not talk to her 10. I also saw her at the service. She spent most of her time playing with some mothers infant. There was an brief introduction when someone else talked to her and she said she was new here. I just couldn't do it. Talk to her. Of course I ended up talking to another woman I meet at pray group who is single but I know already 6.

Very good. Now, you need to recognize that finding a relationship is a numbers game, and you need to step up and be friendly and approach those who interest you, and do not discount anybody making the effort to be friendly. Think of it as practice being interesting and attractive.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Approaching them is the problem. I can never do that.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Approaching them is the problem. I can never do that.

It was for me too, since my anxiety would be through the roof about the possibility of being judged and face the pain of rejection. So, I figured that I had to try and just suck it up. But I found out some things: 1, even talking to somebody for the first time, people are generally friendly and 2, declining an offer to do something with me, whether getting out for a cuppa joe, or a more involved date does not reflect upon me and how interesting I am, and 3. when people are friendly in approaching me, it is good social practice for me.

The last thing is why I have suggested that you do not discount being approached by couples. If you can charm them, despite your view of interaction as transactional and you don't see them as useful in obtaining a relationship, you will be better prepared to charm somebody you are interested in. (Single women are good at spotting transactional interaction and will shut you down if they see that you are approaching them because you only want something).

So, practice social skills and approach those who interest you, even if it is only an introduction. And remember, be friends first.

 

[Trophonius]

I never been asked out by a girl or been on a date. The only woman who approach me are married or in an relationship so they are an waste of my time.

This may be like a rant for you, but I'm sure for divorced men out there this sound like bragging.

 

[RobZombiefan]

Approaching them is the problem. I can never do that.

I used to do that! I kick myself every day for that! But you have to say something to her start small say hi I see you new here my name is, and tell her your name you know what I'm saying, you must start small be polite but not phony, friendly where people go as you walk away he seems sus nobody's that kind stay clear of him you know what I'm saying? If It helps try practicing what you'd say with a family member. They could help you with some lines.

Do it!


And as an iconic character once said. Just do it! If she says no, it's okay. Someone will say yes to you, trust me!

 

[aspieoutlaw89]

Approaching them is the problem. I can never do that.

it's better to be approached by them than approach them.

 

[Magna]

Tony, may I ask you to list the things that come to your mind that you desire from a relationship with a woman?

In the years that I've been on internet forums I have noticed that among people who have never dated or have dated very little, there tends to be a very stylized view of what they think a relationship is. In other words, there seems to be a common belief that a relationship is all positive with zero cost.

• "I know I'd be happy if I was in a relationship."
• "The only thing I want in life is to be in a relationship with someone. I know that's all I really need."
• "The only thing keeping me from being truly happy is not being in a relationship."
• "My life will never be complete unless I'm in a relationship."

^ That kind of thinking can actually be rather dangerous and limiting. Life happens at such a rapid pace, the more a person has that kind of thinking the less chance they have to find meaning and fulfillment in their actual life.

FACT: Relationships come at a cost (e.g. emotional cost, mental, psychological, financial, independence/autonomy, etc). Do the benefits outweigh the cost? It depends on the relationship. For some relationships the cost can far outweigh the benefits and that relationship can end up being a very bad experience, even toxic and harmful.

We'll all heard the adage that goes something like: "Nothing worthwhile is free."

FACT: Relationships are hard work and while they can be rewarding and provide happiness at times, they are guaranteed to also cause pain, sadness, sorrow, etc. No relationship can be 100% good/happy, etc all the time. Relationships may seem easier in the beginning, but a healthy mutually beneficial long term relationship can only be sustained by a lot of sacrifice, compromise and selflessness. I've always wondered, for those that have an idealized view of what they think a relationship is, do they have the ability to and the commitment to give what is necessary for a relationship? Another person isn't a thing/object nor is another person a concept; a person is an individual with their own needs and desires that can sometimes be very different from what we want.

 

[Ella Spell]

I think the notion of "You complete me" from Jerry Maguire leads to a lot of the misconceptions you describe, Magna.

No one completes another person. We are all complete on our own. We might enjoy time with another person. We might grow to be better people because of a relationship. Or, we might not. In my opinion, both people need to be self-sufficient on their own before they even consider looking for a partner for companionship. They should also be aware of all the costs related to dating, not just with the partner but with that person's friends and extended family, whose personalities will also play a role in your relationship and your own self-concept.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I think the notion of "You complete me" from Jerry Maguire leads to a lot of the misconceptions you describe, Magna.

No one completes another person. We are all complete on our own. We might enjoy time with another person. We might grow to be better people because of a relationship. Or, we might not. In my opinion, both people need to be self-sufficient on their own before they even consider looking for a partner for companionship. They should also be aware of all the costs related to dating, not just with the partner but with that person's friends and extended family, whose personalities will also play a role in your relationship and your own self-concept.

Truer words were never spoken. My spouse and I were independent when we met, had compatible values and interests, and we still give each other room for personal interests. Without being independent, and without a good self image, I would never have known how delicious it is to let your lover through your personal boundaries. So very risky but, oh, the rewards.