Sometimes there are situations that logistically make zero sense.
e.g.
Say it's a conversation on a topic of interest to you and a complete stranger comes charging up yelling that they are offended by your syntax. Not because of a bad word or offensive topics, but literally how you speak...your verbal syntax itself.
A normal reaction is to get upset, to be angry because a total stranger is yelling at you for a reason you cannot comprehend. Their reaction to Topic Q makes zero sense and you cannot understand how they came to the conclusions they are upset about. In essence, they are yelling at you for no comprehensible reason. Unfortunately there is nothing you can empathize with because you don't understand the process. You were literally having a neutral conversation completely unrelated to the offended party. You don't even know the offended party.
Yet when you speak up, saying you don't understand and point out the lack of logic in the reaction, others jump on the bandwagon and decide you need to apologize to the stranger for upsetting them. (How is this fair or reasonable?)
You are at fault because a stranger took offense at how you talk and need to apologize for upsetting them and causing them duress. Your feelings and thoughts on the topic are moot and you are labelled as 'hostile' because you refuse to apologize for something you didn't do.
You need to invalidate your own emotions and reactions, (which includes a triggered flight response to aggressive behaviour), so you can validate and assuage those of an angry stranger (apologize). This is what society is telling you, you need to do to atone for speaking as you do.
There is a difference between a social gaffe and truly offensive behaviour. One is accidental, and generally understandable, one is very deliberate. People unfortunately often mistake one for the other.
Misunderstandings do happen, this is a given, but asking someone to completely invalidate themselves and their own emotions to placate another is not okay. Especially when the unintential offender hasn't done anything unreasonable....
I think what you said seems like fair points, if that yelling and the words with it were harsh, totally unreasonable, offensive or triggering and not misinterpreted, and if that stranger was like some average person, from any perceptions there that were correct. But through writing, for instance, it can be trickier as you cannot hear voice loudness and tone, see postures, mannerisms and expressions and sometimes we cannot see or realize more apparent conditions or limitations.
But if like what you mentioned happened during written communications, like if it would occur in this forum for example, then my response could be different, as the stranger factor is not really there, as the sample size could be larger for communications the other may have done with others more, and if any information about themselves or from some analysis showed themselves just to be like all of us, with some abilities but limitations, social or otherwise, and with preoccupations or triggers and so forth.
In a more perfect world where we all are mind readers and are of same or similar abilities and tolerances and don't have the same triggers, things would be so much easier when reacting back to others as perhaps in those situations we do not have to think as much and we can assume more things from what was said or from how it was said.
But, what if like in a writing someone was not yelling but felt just hurt because of some worry or misunderstanding, or perhaps they felt more confused or really just wanted clarification with no ill will but had a hard time expressing that, or if their condition was such it could be harder just to understand certain things. Or maybe it could seem like yelling to the other because of being bothered by some word, action or reaction from the other seen as very not expected, rude or typical, or as our trigger was involved.
Some are triggered by yelling, syntax, critiques, rejection, touch, smells, genders, impatience, and so forth. It depends on the person and situation. Try to keep in mind that in society we will meet or encounter persons that will eventually not understand us, be offended by us, or that will do something we perceive as offensive when we felt we did nothing to justify that. Sometimes we will be not at fault of course, if that other misinterpreted something or just was triggered by something or had comprehension difficulties regarding that.
In my case, I may see or hear some things I am offended by, in person or from another's writing, whether it be something totally unexpected, or a bit offensive if I did not think deeper, inquire more, analyze or put into context more, but something held me back most of the time from responding because of the situation. It was because I either felt harm was not intended or I needed more information there.
Even if I was stung by something just temporarily, that does not mean I was not hurt by it, I agree, and ideally it would be good if the other could say it was not their intent there, and they just misunderstood or take things sometimes literally, but if I did not see a lengthy pattern of that towards I and others, but mostly good, or if I felt any condition, trait of or comprehension could make things harder for them there, this would make me focus on the good more there or lower my expectations there, or I would not be too upset for too long and just see it as likely no harm intended. I would try to give it time to give any reply untill I learned more.
Now, if I act very upset back at someone, it almost never is from one occurrence, even if I felt that other deserved some critique back for any one obvious offense. I am more patient there and I would need to see some pattern to know how to approach things with more assertiveness or to inquire more publicly or privately. If I ever did get very upset at someone in life thus, know it likely was from having sensed many episodes of harm coming from them, not necessarily just against me but others that could be triggered by that generalization or other. Rarely does that happen though as I grew up learning to internalize harmful thoughts under duress..
But to be fair to others who I might not agree with or who I can be offended by, I am my worst critic and I pride myself on trying to be mostly mature acting under stress. Thank that to my high tolerance for stress, but also for my being hard on myself to be my best too for things I could do better. In my case, I will eventually more often blame myself for confrontations thus, even if I thought the other seemed to do things worse or initiate. That is a sign of strong character I feel, and it helps me learn how I can be my best. I have no control usually if others want to take accountability for their actions, so I do not worry about it much.
We all will be judged by how we treat and react to others; there is no avoiding that. But, whether we like it or not, and whether it is fair or not , those perceived to be either more confident, analytical and strong in some ways may be held to a higher standard for our actions and reactions, or we may perceive our reactions as less harmful or feeling more stung than them, but sometimes that may not be true.
So, for anyone stung by others during some interaction, I am sorry about that. Sometimes intent was not there and it just happens. Regardless it is not a good feeling there. I try to learn from all such situations, regardless if it was a stressful one or not. Usually both people involved in some confrontation need their feelings validated,regardless who was the initiator or who seemed a bit harsher or more just. In the ideal world both would apologize,learn from the situation and carry on. But, often each side is afraid to make the first move there, or from thinking they committed no wrong,or they worry a nice such gesture would be not returned,which could fuel the bitterness there. So, I understand that too.
