I can relate to this to some point....do you have a clear understanding of what is important for you in life? or even clear understanding of importance itself?
I promised myself not to mention past anymore so I guess I try to talk about the subject in relation to the present
I've come to a conclusion (which is not necessarily permanent) that I fail to predict emotional aspect of consequences of my behavior. I don't know how I'm going to feel. I mean I can imagine but it will only be a mental image not an actual feeling. For instance, I always wondered what if, because of my lack of passion for money I end up on the street one day with no food, no home etc. I know it's a little bit of an exaggeration but still. I say to myself, "so what, I'll wait a little and die from hunger, who cares". I can imagine how terrible that would be but I can't perceive the emotional aspect of the event. Feelings and emotions towards actions, events, values etc make them important. I might have emotional connection to what is happening right now, has happened or even might happen if the situation is similar to what I have experienced but I fail to create an emotional atmosphere of a new situation in my mind therefore it doesn't have meaning for me. It appears that many people on the spectrum are missing this ability. To be honest even NTs have this issue but it's possible that people on the spectrum experience it to a higher degree.
Knowing that, I can already foresee my tendency to seek for experiences, which in the past were pleasurable and fear the unpleasant ones, while thrown into new experiences by somebody else's will. I personally do not like it. There's nothing wrong with accepting that kind of living, and I do believe it could promise to be more satisfying. But I think the best solution is to find balance between those 2: to go with a flow, periodically rowing in the direction I want to go. And that's hard because my mind tries to avoid accepting of anything new, so in order to create new experiences, new values, new interested etc, at some point I would have to rely only on my logic, understanding that I would have to do something that is not interesting or something I currently don't care for in order to obtain that new experience. It's almost like I have to plan my life logically, and jump into its unpleasantly freezing cold water in order to enjoy it in the end. And there's no guarantee that I will get the calculated enjoyment but if I don't try I will be just running in circles, or will be following somebody's else's carrot.
