It's starting again trauma dumping danger with new yoga teacher.

[Tony Ramirez]

I am seeing it happen with my new yoga teacher that I have early class with on Thursday and evening class on Friday evening. It's starting again first talking about her life about becoming a teacher the first class easy to talk to her.

Now having about six classes with her I already see the warning signs like last time talking about nearly tripping helped my balance but then seeing something traumatic on a Netflix original which is why I hate Netflix originals and never watch them for that reason btw because I never trust their TV ratings which are often rated much milder than they actually are but it was a recommendation from my new church group. I ended up going into detail how I felt traumatic, dizzy, breathing, loss of breath at Roots Cafe watching on my MacBook when a man was burned alive on the start of the episode btw I did not tell her that but almost did but I should of instead of just saying I did breathing exercises only and not the other stuff.

Today was the worst talking about learning computer work since she is a software design and I asked about college saying that my new church group said that it is not required as much. The problem i dumbed back into how I got poor grades and keeps trying dropped out all that junk.

The thing is I feel like the same mindset is happening again. Here is the pattern. The more attractive, kind and understand the woman is the easier it is to talk to her and to open up to her. I did this with my previous yoga teachers Jennifer and Tashya. You know that Madison is attractive and wow how I trauma dumped on her. You see the pattern. I just don't understand. I use to be petrified of attractive women which I am still to approach but if they approach me and talk to me first being so kind like everyone of those women then there is no floodgate of emotions confidence and comfort that comes out.

 

[Hypnalis]

It's a step forward that you're aware of this.
But the endpoint is not doing it at all.

If your therapist isn't addressing this, and doesn't if you ask, get another therapist.

Meanwhile, work on yourself. You choose what you say, and you're responsible for what you say.

Find other topics. Learn things that are good topics for conversation. Do things that are good topics for conversation. Ask other people about themselves, or let them speak. Note: they will signal, and they won't like it if you shut them down, but they won't say so.

Learn when to stop, and how to do it. This is hard, so start by saying less about potentially inappropriate topics:
* Plan what you say (people don't notice if you take short pauses for this). Get all the words ready first, then say it (this automatically limit and structures what you say.
* Don't make open-ended statements that lead you into saying more and more. These have a very good chance of testing someone's patience. Closed statements with a clear end-point.
* If you say something, and the other person doesn't respond or react, do not continue that topic.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I don't have a therapist. My mother keeps delaying it saying I need Medicaid but does nothing every week promising. This is going on two months now.

 

[tree]

@Tony Ramirez

How come you're not looking for a therapist yourself?

 

[AuroraBorealis]

I have never minded when others trauma-dumped on me, even if I wasn't close with them. To be honest, I didn't even know the word trauma-dumping until a short while ago. I always took it as a sign of trust when people told me about their worries and their life. But then, I want to be a therapist.

I have only recently learnt by online-reading that trauma-dumping is a thing. I have been going through life telling friends and people who I became closer with about my life trauma, and listening interestedly, showing concern and feeling trusted and valued when others confided in me with their things, no matter whether we were friends or not. People seemed to trust me quickly, for some reason.

I guess that I am somewhat guilty of trauma-dumping on others, especially at times when I hadn't yet worked through some things. Now, after years of therapy, I don't feel the almost compulsive need to share those things anymore, although it still comes up sometimes.

I understand completely that not everyone wants to hear about "heavy" subjects at all times. But I don't understand why it's apparently such a huge no-go to talk about one's problems and negative feelings. I guess it depends on the person - I wouldn't dump my entire family history on the person sitting next to me in the bus. But I might tell my sports teacher if I had a bad day and she asks how I am.

@Tony Ramirez , I'm sorry you experience this.

The thing is I feel like the same mindset is happening again. Here is the pattern. The more attractive, kind and understand the woman is the easier it is to talk to her and to open up to her. I did this with my previous yoga teachers Jennifer and Tashya. You know that Madison is attractive and wow how I trauma dumped on her. You see the pattern. I just don't understand. I use to be petrified of attractive women which I am still to approach but if they approach me and talk to me first being so kind like everyone of those women then there is no floodgate of emotions confidence and comfort that comes out.

The thing is, I find this extremely understandable. Reading this as an outsider, it makes me kind of sad that you're being advised to keep all this inside and are putting so much effort into "not trauma-dump". In my opinion, it's a good thing to let those thoughts and feelings out, and maybe just focusing on restraining this is not the healthiest way to go.
To me, it seems like you simply need someone somewhere to let all these things out, a safe space. The best place for this would, obviously, be a therapist. You can let out all your trauma there - that's their job, after all - and they can help you work through it. And, eventually, this will hopefully lead to you not feeling that compulsive need to share your trauma with outsiders anyway.

I don't know how your specific situation is about finding a therapist. If your mom is not helpful, maybe ask someone else? There are information centers and phone hotlines in every Western country (don't really know about others), which usually offer some advice for free.

 

[jsilver256]

I think this is a very, very important realization, and you should be proud of yourself for understanding this!

Now, think on why a woman being "attractive" a factor in your opening up.

And I second being more proactive in getting a therapist.

 

[Hypnalis]

I don't have a therapist. My mother keeps delaying it saying I need Medicaid but does nothing every week promising. This is going on two months now.

I'm not generally not in favor of "talk therapy", but some kinds of therapy are good.

What you need includes learning some practical techniques like the stuff I explained above. It's a kind of self-control.
I wonder if something like CBT would be useful for these practical skills? This seems to be close to what it was designed for, and AFAIK it's fairly effective within its "sweet spot".

BTW the trouble with "talk therapy" is the very real risk of revisiting and reawakening old issues, so they don't get a chance to lose their power over time (which is the natural way).
OFC "unwinding" some kinds of trauma is known to be useful.
But keeping something alive so it can't heal naturally is a real risk. And it's very "Therapist-friendly, because such patients keep coming back.

 

[jsilver256]

I have never minded when others trauma-dumped on me, even if I wasn't close with them. To be honest, I didn't even know the word trauma-dumping until a short while ago. I always took it as a sign of trust when people told me about their worries and their life. But then, I want to be a therapist.

On one hand I agree with this perspective.

On the other hand, there is a such thing as an emotional affair. If you are specifically trauma dumping with attractive people of the opposite sex, that probably should be addressed. Especially in the context of a church where there are strict unwritten rules between opposite sex members.

 

[Xinyta]

It's all psychology, @Tony Ramirez

Someone that is disarming and has a gravitational pull about them, are the easiest to talk with. It's a mix of physical attractiveness, how they carry themselves, and how their personality exudes.

People always say that "everyone gauges you on how you carry yourself and how you present yourself". This is what you are experiencing from the women you are interacting with.

I personally find people THAT expressive a little disconcerting. More so because of my social quirks with ASD, than anything other people are doing. I have difficulty, sometimes, discerning friendliness from flirting with people that are outwardly friendly and overly exuberant. Though my social awkwardness plays a factor in it, more than anything.

Though some perspective with that comes from whom you are attracted to, too.

 

[vergil96]

discerning friendliness from flirting with people that are outwardly friendly and overly exuberant.

If someone is polite, there might be little to no difference between the two.

Attraction is also not only about looks, it's a lot about whether this person is nice. Whether you feel good around them. So maybe you're attracted to these women, because they're nice, and find them easy to open up to, because they're nice too.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I don't know but if it was a man as I said I could no way talk to him or even open up. As I said men initially make me feel uncomfortable until I really get to know them then I can only solo hang with them which takes a while but a women especially kind and attractive as I said is an instant click which then can become a problem of over friendliness even board line obsession like with Madison just to crave a platonic casual friendship.

 

[vergil96]

As I said men initially make me feel uncomfortable until I really get to know them

It's not uncommon. That can very well be the reason. Women in general and on average look more friendly. No hooked noses, square jawlines, beards, big muscles etc.

Also, people like someone they have a crush on more. It's all interwined.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

The thing is when I was younger and ignored by those type I use to constantly fantasy even in unhealthy fetish situations all the time but now that it finally started to happen in my life the past few years I am so new I don't know the social rules not just an ASD thing but an never experienced it ever in my life until recently thing.

 

[vergil96]

The thing is when I was younger and ignored by those type I use to constantly fantasy even in unhealthy fetish situations all the time

I wouldn't worry about it, it's normal for young men.

but now that it finally started to happen in my life the past few years I am so new I don't know the social rules not just an ASD thing but an never experienced it ever in my life until recently thing.

You have to familiarise yourself with the situation, that's how people stop being socially awkward and anxious around someone they are attracted to. Everyone goes through something similar, you're just older than usual.

 

[thejuice]

It's not uncommon. That can very well be the reason. Women in general and on average look more friendly. No hooked noses, square jawlines, beards, big muscles etc.

Also, people like someone they have a crush on more. It's all interwined.

Theres a name for that i cant remember. But its one of the reasons why men as a gender get harsher prison sentences for the same crimes.

Edit: Neotenous traits (large forehead, small chin, larger lips, rounder face, larger eyes, and smaller nose aka babyface) make a judge less likely to believe a perpetrator to be malicous

 

[Aspychata]

Attractive people shouldn't really have any hold over you. I use to feel intimidated by attorneys, then l worked for a huge law firm, and l realized, they are just like everyone else.

 

[thejuice]

I don't know but if it was a man as I said I could no way talk to him or even open up. As I said men initially make me feel uncomfortable until I really get to know them then I can only solo hang with them which takes a while .

I think that's normal to not be opening up to a man in the initial stages as the pecking order has yet to be established and it causes a bit of unease. You are probably both putting on somewhat of a front. You don't know whether you are to be friends or enemies or indifferent. My guess is instinctually you are not giving away too much too soon to a potential rival !

 

[jsilver256]

problem of over friendliness even board line obsession like with Madison just to crave a platonic casual friendship.

Do you ever have "broad line obsession" about another man?

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Do you ever have "broad line obsession" about another man?

No they make me feel uncomfortable until I feel comfortable around them which can take a while. I also avoid as much as possible to solo hang with them but they always want to hang and I can't say no. I never get solo hangs with women or even get them to sit next too no matter what I tried but I get dudes all the time want to sit next too me and I say to him one seat over then feel uncomfortable the entire time. If you read my post history you see I tried and tried. I also private message s couple of single guys here more angry in frustration.

 

[Aspychata]

I get trauma dumping, when l left a horrible situation, l did that. Then people never understood what l came thru, more trauma info sharing. Finally, l was able to step outside of it. Eventually, you may get tired of doing it. Do you trauma dump to push them away?