It's starting again trauma dumping danger with new yoga teacher.

[Rodafina]

Here is the pattern. The more attractive, kind and understand the woman is the easier it is to talk to her and to open up to her. I did this with my previous yoga teachers Jennifer and Tashya. You know that Madison is attractive and wow how I trauma dumped on her. You see the pattern. I just don't understand.

@Tony Ramirez

Have you ever considered the idea that "trauma dumping" is a way for you to feel close to someone? Especially, perhaps, a girl that you have a bit of a crush on?

Perhaps you can work on finding that therapist to share the trauma with and try other ways to build connections with friends. You know where the pattern of "trauma dumping" on friends leads.

 

[Misty Avich]

If NTs are supposed to have empathy that we all are supposed to lack, how come trauma dumping doesn't make their hearts bleed and feel exactly how you're feeling and understand exactly what you mean and want to cry for you, but instead pushes them away?

 

[Hypnalis]

In my experience, we don't lack the kind of empathy that makes people reluctant to inflict discomfort on other people or animals. So you can argue that if we have a deficit, it's not in the most important kind of empathy.

We seem to have deficits in "Theory of Mind" (or it's taken over part of the old definition of empathy). That one is about "understanding other people by ascribing mental states to them". So you dynamically model the other person's thoughts, opinions, possible reactions, etc. in order to understand them and communicate with them.

A quote:
"Having a theory of mind is similar to but not identical with having the capacity for empathy or sympathy."

The fact is that (almost) nobody has unlimited patience for Trauma Dumping.

 

[Rodafina]

If NTs are supposed to have empathy that we all are supposed to lack, how come trauma dumping doesn't make their hearts bleed and feel exactly how you're feeling and understand exactly what you mean and want to cry for you, but instead pushes them away?

Because it's exhausting. A heart can only bleed for so long before it stops beating.

There is no reason to question anyone's empathy here. Friends should not be put in the therapist role if one wants to have healthy friendships. From what Tony has described, he has been shown a great deal of empathy, understanding, and concern.

Sharing trauma is not the issue. Continuously inundating someone with oversharing trauma and relying on them too heavily for emotional support can very reasonably drive people away.

 

[MNAus]

@Tony Ramirez

Have you ever considered the idea that "trauma dumping" is a way for you to feel close to someone? Especially, perhaps, a girl that you have a bit of a crush on?

Perhaps you can work on finding that therapist to share the trauma with and try other ways to build connections with friends. You know where the pattern of "trauma dumping" on friends leads.

I agree with this observation. I'd even extend it slightly, based on what you've previously written. Previously you were strongly motivated to get phone numbers. Perhaps this trauma dumping is a bit of way to force the issue or "move things along"? Perhaps the idea of a relationship with these friendly, attractive women appeals so much that you're hoping that by behaving in a manner of an established relationship that they might somehow slip into that role? Just an idea....

 

[jsilver256]

No they make me feel uncomfortable until I feel comfortable around them which can take a while. I also avoid as much as possible to solo hang with them but they always want to hang and I can't say no. I never get solo hangs with women or even get them to sit next too no matter what I tried but I get dudes all the time want to sit next too me and I say to him one seat over then feel uncomfortable the entire time. If you read my post history you see I tried and tried. I also private message s couple of single guys here more angry in frustration.

I think you have mentioned in the past that singleness is a criterion for you to develop what you call a platonic friendship as well, right? It's not only that women are approachable.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

That damn textationship messed me up worse that I thought I had a casual female friend but she never actually wanted to hang with me. Please don't give me the damn drama defending her crap like she felt unsafe that's bull as she damn well knew I am so trustworthy. I see jerks with platonic friends hang out fine so don't give me crap.

Now any attractive women that is kind and listens too I end up almost trauma dumping and even start to over friendly like I did with this textationship woman. Now it's worse. I hope the new church and the people there can help me through this.

 

[Aspychata]

At least you are examining your feelings and your interactions. This is looking at yourself closer and deciding if you need to pull back on the trauma info-loading as you feel it may not benefit you in friendships. Sure, it may help you feel closer, but then it also can backfire with the wrong person. Eventually l stopped doing it. It was a habit that l consciously stopped after about 2 years.

 

[Tired]

If NTs are supposed to have empathy that we all are supposed to lack, how come trauma dumping doesn't make their hearts bleed and feel exactly how you're feeling and understand exactly what you mean and want to cry for you, but instead pushes them away?

So being an NT immediately needs to make me a therapist to every man I meet? This is exactly the point of being empathetic - it is tiring, and I do not want to feel bad or sad for everyone, I will allow myself only to be trully worried and want to help people, whom I really care for, otherwise it'll destroy me and I'll have no energy for anything, if I just bleed my heart for everyone. I think this goes for ASD people as well, because empathy doesn't depend on being NT or ND.

 

[Judge]

That damn textationship messed me up worse that I thought I had a casual female friend but she never actually wanted to hang with me. Please don't give me the damn drama defending her crap like she felt unsafe that's bull as she damn well knew I am so trustworthy. I see jerks with platonic friends hang out fine so don't give me crap.

Now any attractive women that is kind and listens too I end up almost trauma dumping and even start to over friendly like I did with this textationship woman. Now it's worse. I hope the new church and the people there can help me through this.

IMO a real friendship or romantic relationship MUST get beyond the Internet and manifest itself in the real world. That much is true. Otherwise the door is left wide open to everything from white lies to outright deceit and various levels of "catfishing". Though even in real life and face-to-face interaction is no guarantee of avoiding dishonesty.

Equally critical in face-to-face interactions with those who may be a friend is to abandon the notion of trauma-dumping altogether. As long as you continue doing it, you will either chase people away or unintentionally keep them at an uncomfortable distance that will hurt your feelings.

Break your cycle of behavior and treat people as potential friends- not potential therapists. Leave that conversation to medical professionals who won't simply ditch you when the going gets rough. Keep looking for friends, but also start looking for a qualified therapist. The fact is, that your issues aren't for amateurs.

 

[Tired]

Being a beautiful NT woman, I can say that I feel safer around women as well, because I had so many bad experiences with men. And I will start avoiding being 1 on 1 with men, with whom I'll get a feeling that they see me just as "a pretty potential girlfriend", pushing themselves in my face, or if they just look and talk depressive all the time (I'll do anything I can to make my friends and a partner feel good and not sad, but I wont do that for random men I met recently). And of course, just like you prefer talking to pretty women, I like talking to pretty men.
Just an insight for you into the mind of one NT woman.

 

[thejuice]

Average looking people have better personalities and are more humble most of the time, they had to work on it because things aren't handed to them on a plate. Talking to attractive people youre more likely to be shot down or treated as a pest unfortunately.

 

[Judge]

Average looking people have better personalities and are more humble most of the time, they had to work on it because things aren't handed to them on a plate. Talking to attractive people youre more likely to be shot down or treated as a pest unfortunately.

I still recall the initial moment when a rather attractive friend seemed to have more interest in me than I could believe. Thinking in real time, "She must be talking to the guy behind me."

Except there was no one there. Just her and myself. Though as I found out over some years in a relationship with her, just how deceiving such good looks can be.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I have to once again apologize to everyone here. Once again my past trauma with women and my stupid black and white, absolute thinking kicked in again, and I assumed all or nothing thinking again with women. Again I blamed Madison and I also made it really bad for my mother that she will never forgive her that if we do hang out in a group with my couple or I contact her I will now have to lie to my mother.

Madison just got back to me saying that she was always proud of me that I found a new church and that it is good I found a calling. My friend Joy from Tuesday talked to her at a special Wednesday women's group and explained about me. Once again, I went black and white thinking. I don't think Joy talk her anything personal, but she now understands. But the damage is done with my mother, so now I can't mention anything about her again.

However, I still feel off that Madison won't hang out with me just as a friend one on one solo in public places with people does still bother me about her.

I just hope at the new church I don't make the same mistake when I think some women there did me wrong, but I misunderstand the situation and black and white again thinking.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

I have also been stiming a lot to this song outside walking and inside whenever I have been randomly seeing guys and girls hanging out as friends. I keep playing back parts of 0:45-1:15 and 2:00-2:45 believe it or not is the most replayed parts of the song if you look at it on YouTube website.

Update: Most likely region locked to the USA only. Sorry.

 

[Misty Avich]

So being an NT immediately needs to make me a therapist to every man I meet? This is exactly the point of being empathetic - it is tiring, and I do not want to feel bad or sad for everyone, I will allow myself only to be trully worried and want to help people, whom I really care for, otherwise it'll destroy me and I'll have no energy for anything, if I just bleed my heart for everyone. I think this goes for ASD people as well, because empathy doesn't depend on being NT or ND.

That's my take on it too, but I have been conditioned by other Aspies (nobody here) to think that I'm a narcissist or sociopath if I don't bleed my heart out for everyone or understand everything.

 

[Tired]

That's my take on it too, but I have been conditioned by other Aspies (nobody here) to think that I'm a narcissist or sociopath if I don't bleed my heart out for everyone or understand everything.

Just pay them no mind if you can, people will always tell rude things to one another, and if they themselves weren't not unpleasant people, they wouldn't be telling you those unpleasant things.

 

[Misty Avich]

Just pay them no mind if you can, people will always tell rude things to one another, and if they themselves weren't not unpleasant people, they wouldn't be telling you those unpleasant things.

I'll try but it's hard not to listen to them. I think I'm a very firm believer that empathy needn't define NT or autism. But people still have to overuse that word when talking about autism.

 

[Tom]

In general not too many people will handle info dumping well, depressing stuff in parrticular. So it ends up being repelling much more often then neutral or attracting.

There is a place for it, but knowing when you are in that place is the key.

 

[jsilver256]

However, I still feel off that Madison won't hang out with me just as a friend one on one solo in public places with people does still bother me about her.

I don't know about your church's rules, but a lot of religious people frown on two opposite-sex people not in a relationship hanging out alone, even in public places. It's a very common idea among churches and Christians in general. My husband is a deacon and one of the rules is that he isn't allowed to be with any other woman alone.

I'm personally more flexible on this because I work in a male-dominated field, but beware you might be running into this "unspoken rule."