Letting go of the past, being stuck in the past and moving forward

[Jumpback]

I’m sure that things I say will get misconstrued as in some way related to hate or be judged as being political, but they really aren’t

All I am saying is that smart gay kids tormented by nonacceptance everywhere, tend to devote their lives to the study of gay realities which tends to result in a complete dominance of research by these previously beat down gay kids

But then this complete dominance driven by standing up to intolerance, seems to have screwed me and two roommates who had no hate, but just were inconvenient to the cause of a super majority in the psych research profession.

 

[Jumpback]

I apologize if my realities or internalizations are upsetting to others, but I just can’t change them

I don’t really care what gays do or do not do and I am sympathetic to the cause, but somehow my entire adult life and everything about my hopes and dreams has gotten connected to this issue in negative ways, so for wrongs committed against me to be even taken seriously, unfortunately the first thing that seems to have to happen is for me to convince others that gay men are actually capable of committing wrongs and crimes committed against me aren’t the result of misplaced desires or hate, and that they are are actually just wrongs which are unfair and have screwed my life up

It’s a massive struggle just to get normal help with other issues, I don’t even expect sympathy for actual wrongs, I just want to escape from this, but if everything is about what I am doing wrong or what is wrong with me, no one is on my side and everyone is against me

I do not have the luxury of being a beat down type, where I can expect group support or even acknowledgement that I was deeply wronged or have any way to fight against social wrongs, because my frustrations will get maneuvered into terrible things about me or wrong with me

But I need something to be able to let go. My adult life can’t just feel like a giant sacrifice to gay advocacy with no external validation from anywhere, I just cannot handle this

 

[tree]

On what stone tablet handed down from on high
does it say Jumpback must advocate for homosexuality?

 

[Jumpback]

On what stone tablet handed down from on high
does it say Jumpback must advocate for homosexuality?

It’s not really a decision to be an advocate, it’s just that I felt sympathy because of my experiences getting harassed and bullied in school made me feel like an oppressed minority and so I was very sympathetic to mistreatment minorities suffer. But this whole issue has been so overwhelming and complicated and my realities are upsetting to others

Like I go to large university in a location where gay people move to with endless issues and having no idea how to deal with people. I get assigned a suite in the dorms with multiple gay roommates, though they were closeted at the time. One guy gets harassed so bad that he has a nervous breakdown and his psych comes and rescues him and he mentions that he wants to be in a “black gay dorm,” but then it ends up that lead harasser is also a black gay guy who is just closeted and is apparently tormenting other black gay guy due to his anger over his repressed homosexuality. Then black gay roommates, who were closeted at the time, turn their torment to bullying other black roommate who has severe studdering problem, I try to stand up for him, but that just results in things against me

I start hanging out with my 2nd cousin, but I sort of like going to clubs to dance and he doesn’t, so I start hanging out with his roommate, then his roommate wants to go this club to dance and when we get there it’s a gay club and he reveals his bisexuality or homosexuality to me, apparently because he is interested in me

Then I stay in frat house over the summer because dorms are closed and they want me to join, so I try, but they kick me out for being weird and not knowing how to deal with people. But it ends up that both president of my pledge class and other co-pledge are gay, they were accepted, they just quit because they are gay, I was not accepted and judged because I am weird.

So I try hanging around more liberal people going to raves and so on, but this results in steady interest by gay men. I meet my first real girlfriend because her gay friend sits in my lap and so on. I am actually indebted to this guy because I have no idea how to approach women and his aggressive homosexuality directly results in my ex-girlfriend. But then girlfriends only real friend is this guy, who is black, because they both recently moved from Georgia to Ohio or something. But guy will not stop trying to conquest me and he goes on and on about conquesting straight men, and cheats on his boyfriend repeatedly, but everything is ignored by everyone...girlfriend leaves room and he is upping things to he will lube up and pressure convincing me that I will really enjoy gay sex and so on, but since I continue to be resistant, him and his boyfriend sexually assault me when I am in a compromised position after having an argument with girlfriend which is really about this endless pressure to succumb to pressure and cheat on my girlfriend with her gay friend and his boyfriend, but things all get somehow creatively blamed on me or just ignored

Then I crack, I have a complete breakdown with unending panic attacks, simply because no one seems to be interested that I just was a victim of a crime

But my social circle are all gay advocates and my girlfriend initially believes that I cheated on her in a gay threesone. Then I get assigned gay, gay advocate university counselor, then get assigned gay advocate psych and so on, even hospitalization makes it worse since when I explain myself I come across as blunt, but there is questioning of my repressed things which drive me into these situations and danger to others and so on, so instead of receiving basic help, it’s about how terrible I am. Even when hospitalized, woman sexually assaulted wanted me to leave group therapy because I am a man and no sympathy or help with pressing charges or support for being a victim or anything else

So, I buy that I just am disturbed and my brain is malformed, but since I can’t receive psych help, I run across guy who was raped as a child and had driven as far away from Miami as money would take him, because his family would not punish older cousin who raped him. But then he starts getting rid of women and starts grooming me and he is in love with me and he feels like he was “made gay” and so on

And on and on. Then to roommate who was “made gay” and still on and on. I mean this is my adult life. I just am sympathetic towards gay issues, but I am not gay and all these endless things not only have no chance of ever being addressed, but also always prove endless things terrible about me or wrong with me or my disorders or things dangerous about me, while also taking away any hope of really anything, including just receiving basic help for issues which got ignored due to the controversial nature of things that happened to me

Like there is this new girl in my group therapy, who has anxiety and adhd, and she has a long history of getting help, but I actually had to fight very, very, very hard to even get adhd diagnosis, because of assumptions of psychs when I was hospitalized the first time focusing on why I was irrationally upset about sexual assaults and what my repressed things might be. Like I obviously just have adhd, but if I go on about gays misbehaving because I am just answering psychs questions, the issue ends up being repressed things and disorder and malformed brain things and no one even bothers to address my very obvious adhd, but they even dispute my very obvious pointing out that this is the issue or just get mad at me for being delusional or having disorders or being filled with hate because I dare to claim that gays behaved badly

Like the issue has really nothing to do with gay men’s misbehavior, any more than women being upset about a guy behaving badly must secretly prove her repressed desires and hate and delusions and disorders and things wrong with her brain.

It’s completely about intolerance towards a minority position, where a majority has complete control and power over what people believe, because gay advocates absolutely control all research and therefore all belief systems, so I just must be evil for having completely normal issues resulting from gay men being attracted to straight men and being ASD and believing media which says that not only do gay men have no interest in straight men, but such beliefs are delusional hate

Just saying, I was bullied and a nervous wreck trying to deal with other kids and getting bullied in the country and had a nervous breakdown over this when I was 15. I just wanted to find my place in the world and have normal relationships with women as all straight guys hope for, but this issue has always been present and no one ever understands, and usually I am blamed and punished and diagnosed and accused and cut off from things and must have repressed things and hate, which also must be punished, and may be a danger and up to even more things and on and on and on

But all that really happens is that I have ASD and got accidently sucked into endless gay issues, because I just did

 

[tree]

@Jumpbackl

"It’s not really a decision to be an advocate, it’s just that I felt sympathy..."

Looks like a decision, to me.
Otherwise, what are you saying?
That you are a helpless automaton
whose feelings push him to actions over which he has
no control?

 

[Jumpback]

Like I am very sympathetic. I grasp why college suite mates were both traumatized and were bullies for being gay. I grasp why cousins roommate was interested in me since I am not bad looking and was involved in fitness and bodybuilding. I am sympathetic to even plight of first gay guy molestor since he went on about being suicidal which O believed and I even grasp why he would want to conquest straight men to feel okay. I also am very sympathetic to first repressed gay roommate since he felt he was made gay by childhood rape and how he no psychological help due to the inconvenience of his issue, because I had previously experienced blame for being inconvenient by psych professionals, especially due to his being a an immigrant.

I also grasp last “made gay” roommates predicament since he was also an immigrant who was tormented for being a minority in his teens, and then when he developed schizophrenia in his 20s somehow convinced him that he was “made gay,” because developing schizophrenia is clearly linked to sexual orientation confusion

I even grasp positions of ex-girlfriends friends, both the couple where she was best man at her gay friends wedding and her gay advocate friend and her family, who just assumed I must be evil and up to things

I even grasp how gay, gay advocate and other gay advocates assumed things about me, and why ex-girlfriends family assumed me being homeless after last gay rooomate issue is either unlikely or must prove hate and disorders and the danger I must present to others

I even understand psychs accusations, punishments from online help boards, and on and on and on, because psych research is completely dominated by previously beat down gay kids who are so motivated to correct wrongs that they can become bullies and invalidate realities like mine

I even understand predicament of group leader of group counseling, where she shuts down black gang banger when he starts talking about how molestation as a kid affected everything and confused his sexual orientation, because she has to comply with the dominant group in power

And I understand why trying to get help everywhere must somehow be about hate, because, again, one side has complete power

I grasp all of it and my issue is not with gays, it’s with a majority power (meaning absolute control by gay advocacy at universities and so on), in beating down, and taking away everything, from victims whose realities are inconvenient

It has nothing to do with hate, it has to do with standing up to hate

Or, whatever, I just went to college hoping to overcome things and then having a nice life, but gay things have non stop blocked and taken away everything. And it does not feel like it’s about gays, it feels like using minority status to grab complete control has destroyed not only my life, but the lives of my now dead former roommate, and other roommate who will forever be confused and die alone, because their realities were inconvenient to extreme power and control of gay advocacy

 

[Jumpback]

@Jumpbackl

"It’s not really a decision to be an advocate, it’s just that I felt sympathy..."

Looks like a decision, to me.
Otherwise, what are you saying?
That you are a helpless automaton
whose feelings push him to actions over which he has
no control?

Look, I agree with criticisms of me, and I understand why people are suspicious of me or find me annoying

But I have kind of reached a point where I just realize that I have lost everything to nonsense. Like my issues are not complicated, it just feel like my life’s hopes and dreams and help for obvious things has gotten taken away because they upset others due to me being inconvenient because of the politics of the moment

Everything everyone says is true. It just feels like if one is a woman, one has sympathy and groups to turn to, the same with being black or gay or whatever else, but if I try anything, it just ends up being about how terrible I am and I become unwell because I not on,y have no group support, but also just endless accusations and blames and everything else because my realities are inconvenient

Everyone’s criticisms are valid, but it feels like it’s me against the world, because no one else sees me as anything more than an inconvenience to gay advocacy who must be punished and accused.

I want to let go of the past and move on, but this issue really is different. Like if women get sexually assaulted or gays keep getting beat up or blacks keep facing racism, they have somewhere to turn and have group support and the psych profession is behind them, but with this issue it’s just different. And no one even bothering to just listen to me that I just have ASD issues and such and the real issue isn’t in line with others assumptions about repressed and hate things and delusions and dangerous things is just not true

Like, literally, two guys sexually assault a woman after she puts up with endless aggressive attempts to conquest her and multiple people witness lead up and multiple people are around when sexual assault occurred, then even two men admit that it occurred, it just is not about woman cheating in threesome and her repressed desires and her hatred of men and how her being upset about sexual assUkt proves her brain is malformed and how she might be a danger to oppressed heterosexual men and so on and so on. These things just don’t happen

Like I am just a heterosexual guy with ASD and that’s it, there is nothing else. I have never had any confusion about crimes and so on. It’s other people’s assumptions making nothing’s into somethings and so on

I need to let go, but is just harder than any normal thing, because it’s all ridiculous

I was hospitalized the first time because things felt incredibly unreal where an obvious sexual assault must mean I am cheating in a gay threesome when I am nit gay and must be punished for this by the gay advocates around me. It was so bizarre that I started having unending panic attacks, but my anger then seemed to prove repressed things and brain being malformed and so on, because a very, very obvious sexual assault must be entirely about the victim

It’s just different, but no one will believe me because it’s inconvenient

But I just was straight guy trying to overcome bullying from ASD issue and receive help so I could move on and pursue other things. But everything becomes about gay thing, then other gay tying, then about what is wrong with me and repressed things and no help for actual issues

So it’s very hard to drop things and forget about them and not keeping throwing bad after bad after bad

Just saying

 

[tree]

"....it’s very hard to drop things..."

Yes, I know you have indicated that was the case, for you.
This is the second thread you've made on the topic of leaving
the past behind.

This idea that people don't believe you because it's "inconvenient"
works well for you. That moves the responsibility for your present
behavior on to other people.

 

[Jumpback]

I feel like

"....it’s very hard to drop things..."

Yes, I know you have indicated that was the case, for you.
This is the second thread you've made on the topic of leaving
the past behind.

This idea that people don't believe you because it's "inconvenient"
works well for you. That moves the responsibility for your present
behavior on to other people.

But this is actually the issue

Like it’s like as if clueless autistic women get told that straight men are repressed victims who pose no threat to women and believing such things is maleophobis, then when men misbehave, people still believe these things, so the fault must lie with the female victim whose represssed desires and mental deformities and hate must be the real reason why she has faced multiple sexual assaults and such

It is not me, I had no confusion that two men sexually assaulting me was simply a crime, others introduced things like cheating in a gay threesome and having repressed desires and having hate and the real explanation is my brain is malformed because an obvious sexual assault occurred.

It’s very hard to explain, I do not blame gay men for being attracted to straight men and some of them being criminals any more than I would expect a woman to blame all men for the behavior of some, I just wanted obvious crime to be addressed, but others behaved absolutely irrationally due to my sexual orientation and gender

Like my ASD is not actually super severe, I just needed help overcoming bullying from school and with ASD issues and what sexual assault issues introduced was not only no sympathy or help, but what was wrong with me for being a victim. Then others were so completely caught up in whether real issues was my repressed homosexuality or what was motivating me or maybe my hate that they cut me off from normal help for ASD issues

I actually had to aggressively fight for years just to get to try adhd medication, due to attempts to explaining meaning either sexual assault trauma or delusions or repressed things or hate things

It was others causing the problems, not me. And that’s why I get so weird and so on

 

[tree]

I didn't say things didn't happen to you.

You are the one who made the thread title.
Letting go, being stuck in the past and moving forward.

That you are stuck in the past is apparent.
In what ways have you let go?
In what ways are you moving forward?

 

[Jumpback]

I didn't say things didn't happen to you.

You are the one who made the thread title.
Letting go, being stuck in the past and moving forward.

That you are stuck in the past is apparent.
In what ways have you let go?
In what ways are you moving forward?

I’m really not letting go and moving forward. That’s the problem

But it’s really because others were so unfair and so on

Like imagine you are walking down the street and a black guy robs you and punches you in the face. Then you think a crime occurred. But others wonder about why you were approaching black men and about your attraction to black men and maybe you were trying to cheat and your repressed desires and maybe your racism, which means you have a malformed brain and disorders, with no one ever bothering to even address that a crime occurred

Just trying to explain why it’s so hard to let go and move forward. It really has nothing to do with gays, it has to do with going straight from bullying being ignored to sexual assaults being blamed on the victim

Like all the beat downs made me feel like I had no rights or value as a human being, which directly led to other roommates getting rid of women who were interested in me and me putting up with his drunken attempts to get at me, because I was made to feel worthless and without rights as a human being

But then explaining anything is still seen as repressed things or hate or whatever else

Just explaining

Like I deeply distrust humanity and especially authority figures and I feel like if I let my guard down others will beat me down again so far that I again feel like I have no value

But then this actually happens, psychs will not give me adhd test because of believing what earlier psychs said or assuming I have delusions or hate gays and girlfriends friends and family assume I am up to endless things because of my unlikely sounding stories about gay males or her gay friends and gay advocate friends assume I am filled with hate, which might make me a danger to others, and because my girlfriend is around me to her. Plus, since I cannot explain why I was homeless for not desiring a gay relationship, I am degenerate and have delusional explanations about oppressed gays, so they convince her that I am evil

 

[Jumpback]

Like my issues are not really different from women repeatedly encountering men who behave badly, but everything is represented differently

I have no more hatred of gay men than typical woman dealing with same sorts of issues from straight men, but others view things differently

So I can’t let go, because I have no hope of being treated fairly by society, because it’s always going to be me against the world which does not care about me. And if I let my guard down, others might attack and beat me down again.

Just explaining the issue

 

[tree]

"I’m really not letting go and moving forward. That’s the problem

But it’s really because others were so unfair and so on..."

No, it's really because you have made no progress within yourself.
As long as you maintain the attitude you have, I expect you will
remain stuck.

 

[tree]

"External validation is really the issue, which is why I probably keep saying things..."

That can be an endless pit, impossible to fill.

 

[Jumpback]

"External validation is really the issue, which is why I probably keep saying things..."

That can be an endless pit, impossible to fill.

I agree

But the thing is that in group therapy, at one point all of the men had been sexually assaulted or molested. One guy turned to gang banging, two others became heroin addicts and another became a meth addict. Then there is me

It’s just really not the same, women in the group openly go on and on about sexual assaults and the gang banger who mentioned how his childhood molestation had led to sexual orientation issues and then how this led to his later bad behavior got shut down for being controversial for being controversial to gay advocacy messages and he left the group immediately after he opened up about this, after he was not allowed to talk about it because of how upsetting his realities were to gay advocacy

All of the guys stay silent, despite being more screwed up from occurrences than women, while women go on and on and on and on about how terrible men are and so on.

 

[tree]

"I agree

But..."


You are repeating a story from the past.

What is the point of doing that?

It appears that telling yourself, and others, the same thing,
over and over, is not helping you move forward in any way.

 

[Rectify]

...The more polarized we become the more the extremes try to dictate what is and is not acceptable to be discussed.

Yes, this bothers me so much.

 

[Jumpback]

Yes, this bothers me so much.

The thing is that multiple things can be true, but others pick sides or comply with the side which is more powerful

To make this sound more sensitive, like European Roma (Gypsies) are both more often persecuted minorities and more often commit more crimes than other groups. It’s not actually that hard to figure this out. And this almost always holds true for minority groups

The thing which is entirely different about LGBT+ people is that they are a very small group with amazing power. And crimes of LGBT+ people are not likely to make the nightly news since they tend to not be violent

Like say something like: “men commit the majority of sex crimes,” powers that be are going to stand up against men for being abusive towards women

But if one says that, “gay men commit more sex crimes that straight men,” which is also true, people take a stand against the victim pushing hate or inconvenient realities against gays, and the victim gets punished

I can’t help things, I just assumed my issues in school were due to conservative rednecks idiocy, so I hung around lots of gay men because they were oppressed victims, but their sexual assaults and manipulations were blamed on me, which I also believed, so I continued to trust and let my guard down around gay men which resulted in more sexual assaults and manipulations

But no one grasp anything, because gay men are oppressed victims of hate, so fault must be all about me, so I must have things taken away and be accused and diagnosed and punished

 

[Rectify]

@Jumpback I don't agree with your assertion that gay men commit 'more' sex crimes than straight men do.

I would agree that gay men do commit sex crimes. But a quick google suggests that the sex crime stats for gay men are not higher than for straight men.

The thing is that multiple things can be true, but others pick sides or comply with the side which is more powerful

Agreed.

 

[Jumpback]

@Jumpback I don't agree with your assertion that gay men commit 'more' sex crimes than straight men do.

I would agree that gay men do commit sex crimes. But a quick google suggests that the sex crime stats for gay men are not higher than for straight men.

Agreed.

Nah, and it’s very obvious and easy to prove. Anyone could go to gay bars and straight bars and count the number of instances of grabbing of private parts.

The issue is that previously beat down gay kids motivated to make things better for kids in the future like them are almost the only ones who study things.