Long-term NT-Aspie Relationship: Is Invalidation Normal?

[Mia]

Aspies usually don't like to put on the spot, they will react defensively under the circumstances, and it's not always nice.

Keep in mind that what he says to you, is similar to the way he perceives himself. And his concept of self, is likely much worse.

 

[Bolletje]

I agree with @Chisleu on the subject of picking your battles. My parents have been happily married for 30 years and they're still bickering over the hamper and the dishes, the same things me and my boyfriend sometimes argue over. I've decided pretty early on in my relationship to save my energy for the things that really matter.

I get pissed when dirty laundry is on the floor, but getting angry costs me more energy than cleaning it up.
So I occasionally mention to my partner that I'd prefer clothes to be in the hamper, but I'm not getting into a fight over it. We both have habits that annoy the other person but imo it's often not worth bickering about.

 

[Diagnosed2015]

No two Aspies (men or women) are exactly the same, but what you are describing is purely NT drama. You are expecting him to respond as you would to another NT, and you are "trying to help" your relationship based on NT standards.

Don't misunderstand me, you aren't doing anything wrong as a partner, but you are trying to change behaviors he doesn't have a problem with. What he has a problem with is your attempts to make him conform to make you more "comfortable" within your relationship.

It would be as if you couldn't understand that someone was colorblind, and no matter how many times you thoughtfully explained that bright yellow and green don't go together, they constantly wore it. IT'S BECAUSE THEY DON'T SEE BRIGHT YELLOW AND GREEN. You are trying to correct something "you" see but he doesn't.

I can understand his reactions, although I'm not the type to argue or disagree. If someone tries to change who I am (without me being a willing participant), I generally leave or terminate the friendship.

He is who he is. You have entered HIS world, he was invited into yours. You are a doctoral student in Psychology and perhaps you thought it would be interesting, educational, self-aware to monitor this relationship in terms of how to "help" people with Asperger's, but you are finding it more difficult once you realize that simply stating your needs and expecting different reactions isn't going to work. In fact, it's the definition of insanity.

I'm speaking from experience, because I can understand some of his issues. The hamper thing "could" be something like not wanting to commit to something as "dirty," until he knows if he has to wear it again. It doesn't make it good or bad, it just makes it -- him.

If I buy something new, I will keep it in the box for two weeks. Then it's another two weeks (or more) until I use it. It's because I hate things going from "new" to "used" even if they are insignificant or inexpensive. I have a few things that have never been opened (such as a blender and mixer).

Communication isn't going to change your relationship, and even writing here though he is "not-diagnosed" could be wrong, since I'm presuming you are basing your judgement on what you are learning, rather than professional testing.

Before you start trying to analyze your relationship issues, he would need to have a complete neuropsych evaluation, since he may have other issues such as social anxiety or phobias or other things (such as ADHD) which make following otherwise simple instructions more difficult.

In fact, it was the treatment for ADHD and not my Aspie diagnosis that made me realize how my entire life had been shaded by my lack of understanding about how much I didn't understand. My ability to focus in on such minor details of, for instance, a movie and get so sidetracked that I can't follow the story, are indicative of many of the issues you suggest.

ADHD is not just the inability to sit still or focus. It's the ability to determine (somewhat) on WHAT we focus on, and to stop ourselves when we drift. If I'm watching something intently, and I see something like a dinner plate, my mind can immediately wander on about the plate (where it's from, where they kept it, how they got it there, etc.) and I'll completely miss the point of the movie. That's WITH medication. Imagine it without.

Stop trying to get him to change. It won't help. He doesn't have a problem with his life. You have a problem that he can't conform to yours. Leaving his clothes near the hamper isn't a problem to him -- he knows where they are.

One last example. He watches the news (or some show) at 6 p.m. every night without exception. You plan a special dinner, to start at 6:30 p.m. (to accommodate his schedule) but your guests start arriving at 5:30 p.m. At 5:55 p.m., he disappears to the TV and turns it on, seemingly unconcerned about all the guests who have arrived. You get upset that he's being rude. He gets upset that you are upset.

(Above) You had interrupted his fixed schedule; he didn't want guests at 5:30 p.m. and there's no reason for him to feel apologize, because he does the same thing every night at the same time.

Good luck. You are reading too much into something that Aspies are quite good at. We are who we are; if people like what they see, they are welcome to join us. If they expect us to change, it's not going to happen. He might be able to address his frustration (and how he expresses it) to his own therapist or counselor, but if you are trying to be his (therapist), it's the beginning of a very bad experiment.

Viewing a partner as a "project" is not a good way to be; one of you will always be upset.

 

[GHA]

Father of an Aspie son, I can only say; stop being a victim. He is made that way. You can't change him. He can adapt for a while, but will go back to himself eventually. If you love him? Analyse his challenges and take on a supporting role. Don't judge him, or critise him. He lies cause he does not want to offend you. Don't try to prove he is lying. It's one way traffic.. my two cents.

 

[Ylva]

Ah… There is no nice way to say this, but based on your explanation you sound like you kind of… infantilize him. Maybe he perceives you as manipulative, too. You say you "try" all these techniques and stuff. Have you tried just being yourself and accepting him as he is?

One thing, though: I know he's not me any more than I am him, but the surest way to get me to never do a thing is to tell me over and over. It disrupts my processing and over time overloads my system, so "forgetting" is literally a coping mechanism. (But for all I know he's just being stubborn.)

 

[Hope is rising]

What you described is abusive behavior that should not be tolerated from anyone whether the person happened to have a diagnosis or not... (Also you say he is undiagnosed so I assume he is not aware of any of his differences or struggles and is not willing to work on them.) The fact that you stay is saying "It is okay to treat me this way" even though you may not like being treated that way or even object to it.

 

[Karen S.]

She mentioned that he puts himself down a lot, so that would rule out Narcissism, they're "never wrong or guilty on anything ". He has PTSD issues about his father, but he has become his father as well!

 

[Persephone_]

All this thread was really helpful. I can relate a lot to the situation here.

I am having trouble with my Aspie BF and this is helping me to understand a bit what happened...

 

[sisselcakes]

Hello everyone ,
This is my first post and I am looking for advice on certain aspects of my relationship with my Aspie partner. A little intro to our couple : I am a NT woman who is in a long-term relationship with an (undiagnosed) Aspie man. We have been together for almost 5 years and just started living together in May 2016. We care for each other very much! I am currently completing my Doctor's degree in psychology and aiming to become a professional clinician. He works in information technology. He is very high functioning and from first meeting him most people would not guess he is on the spectrum. He is bright, funny, honest, loyal, and can even be very tender and affectionate at times. I am curious, energetic, and sensitive. Unlike what I have come to understand about most aspie-NT relationships, we have a very fulfilling and intimate sexual life. However, unsurprisingly, many of our problems lie in communicating and emotional intimacy. I am having trouble adjusting to certain aspects of living together, most notably his more rigid patterns and difficulty changing ineffective patterns. For example, a sort of silly one, we have a laundry hamper basket and my aspie bf consistently puts his clothes right in front of the basket instead of inside the basket. Sigh. I have asked him (politely and with a clear explanation of why it's important to me = easier since all in once place, having a clean aesthetic environment is important to me) many times to put the clothes in the basket but he simply does not do it. More seriously, he adopts some very invalidating behaviours towards me, especially when I express discontent (again, being aware of his difficulties, I try to be very clear about what I need/want). I am basically questioning whether his invalidating attitude is part of aspergers or his personality. He has on more than one occasion said the following : you're just trying to annoy me on purpose, stop creating stories in your head, you're just acting up to get attention, etc. On a few occasions he has even told me to 'shut up' '**** off' and even once threatened, while we were on a trip : 'if you don't stop acting up (i was crying about an insensitive comment he had made) I will leave you on the side of the road!" He can raise his voice sometimes without being aware...I will point it out and he will deny it. I've also experienced stonewalling, silent treatment and shutting himself in our office. I recognize that some of this is my fault as well. Of course, it takes two to tango...meaning problems usually arise due to both parties. I can be sensitive, crying and occasionally placing blame and complaining ineffectively. I have been working a lot on trying to stay calm when expressing something to him, using direct clear statements, using 'I' instead of blaming. This is often to no avail. I often feel that he sees me as the source of all problems, he doesn't recognize his behaviour as sometimes inappropriate....this is all so frustrating as he almost never apologizes. I am wondering what parts I should tolerate and what I should not. I try to be compassionate and see things from his perspective and I recognize that most comments are probably unintentionally rude. However, sometimes it hits so close to home that it seems manipulative. Even when I ask him to stop saying these things he defiantly defends his point of view. I could say a lot more but I will stop here for now. I love him very much and I know he loves me too. I want to find better ways to interact and I want to know more about Aspies' opinions on the matter. Thank you!!

In one word, from my experience, yes!

 

[sisselcakes]

Hello everyone ,
This is my first post and I am looking for advice on certain aspects of my relationship with my Aspie partner. A little intro to our couple : I am a NT woman who is in a long-term relationship with an (undiagnosed) Aspie man. We have been together for almost 5 years and just started living together in May 2016. We care for each other very much! I am currently completing my Doctor's degree in psychology and aiming to become a professional clinician. He works in information technology. He is very high functioning and from first meeting him most people would not guess he is on the spectrum. He is bright, funny, honest, loyal, and can even be very tender and affectionate at times. I am curious, energetic, and sensitive. Unlike what I have come to understand about most aspie-NT relationships, we have a very fulfilling and intimate sexual life. However, unsurprisingly, many of our problems lie in communicating and emotional intimacy. I am having trouble adjusting to certain aspects of living together, most notably his more rigid patterns and difficulty changing ineffective patterns. For example, a sort of silly one, we have a laundry hamper basket and my aspie bf consistently puts his clothes right in front of the basket instead of inside the basket. Sigh. I have asked him (politely and with a clear explanation of why it's important to me = easier since all in once place, having a clean aesthetic environment is important to me) many times to put the clothes in the basket but he simply does not do it. More seriously, he adopts some very invalidating behaviours towards me, especially when I express discontent (again, being aware of his difficulties, I try to be very clear about what I need/want). I am basically questioning whether his invalidating attitude is part of aspergers or his personality. He has on more than one occasion said the following : you're just trying to annoy me on purpose, stop creating stories in your head, you're just acting up to get attention, etc. On a few occasions he has even told me to 'shut up' '**** off' and even once threatened, while we were on a trip : 'if you don't stop acting up (i was crying about an insensitive comment he had made) I will leave you on the side of the road!" He can raise his voice sometimes without being aware...I will point it out and he will deny it. I've also experienced stonewalling, silent treatment and shutting himself in our office. I recognize that some of this is my fault as well. Of course, it takes two to tango...meaning problems usually arise due to both parties. I can be sensitive, crying and occasionally placing blame and complaining ineffectively. I have been working a lot on trying to stay calm when expressing something to him, using direct clear statements, using 'I' instead of blaming. This is often to no avail. I often feel that he sees me as the source of all problems, he doesn't recognize his behaviour as sometimes inappropriate....this is all so frustrating as he almost never apologizes. I am wondering what parts I should tolerate and what I should not. I try to be compassionate and see things from his perspective and I recognize that most comments are probably unintentionally rude. However, sometimes it hits so close to home that it seems manipulative. Even when I ask him to stop saying these things he defiantly defends his point of view. I could say a lot more but I will stop here for now. I love him very much and I know he loves me too. I want to find better ways to interact and I want to know more about Aspies' opinions on the matter. Thank you!!

So, I just read more of your post. I have experienced A LOT of what you have written. I also moved in with my bf last year. Given that we all have our own personalities and the ASD traits are only part of what makes up the qualities an Aspie has, I can't say for sure that my bf's behavior is due solely to his "condition". He is also undiagnosed.

He has odd requirements. I started to have anxiety whenever he would bring up something I did wrong (in his eyes) because I felt as though he was scrutinizing my every move. I told him so and he's backed off but this is after working at this for a good while.

Here's an example. My dog pees in the house sometimes. I got a text one day "you have a mess to clean up when you get home" with a tone that felt critical and angry. Most people I know would clean it up and then tell me after the fact, and maybe try to help me come up with a solution to the problem. I brought this to his attention during one of our "talks". Last time my dog peed, my bf cleaned it up and told me after the fact. Then we problem-solved to figure out how to stop it from happening.

He called me a "f'ing a'hole" once. I matter-of-factly told him we don't speak to each other that way. He hasn't done it since. It had to do with me being "naive" because I believe in global warming. (don't even get me started. LOL)

He once told me to "get the eff up" (using the full word) when I fell during skiing. I was speechless. I later realized this inappropriate way to express his frustration was related to the ASD because when I confronted him about it after, his reaction was so unlike what a typical person would say/do. I cant even explain it in words.

He still sometimes uses the eff word when angry (he likes it in general). If it's semi-directed at me, i tell him it's not appropriate. He is doing it less and less.

He has a hard time giving compliments and has inadvertently offended me. It was my birthday weekend. He took me to a place on the lake, ordered wine, and later told me his ideal body type was someone with big boobs and a flat stomach and asked if I could work on getting my stomach flatter. It makes me LOL now but I sobbed for hours after that.

Once I asked him if he was attracted to me and he looked at me like i was from another planet "that's a dumb question. I wouldn't be with you if I wasn't". And then I asked him if he thought I was pretty. Again, was like "duh". He said incredulously as if he couldn't comprehend why i was asking him, "you're beautiful". I've come to realize that he isn't verbally complimentary and I rely on his shows of affection, doing things for me, catching him "checking me out", to experience the feeling he does love me and cares.

I've "diagnosed" him and in a moment, after he had gotten fired for insulting someone without realizing it, I brought up the subject. He was defensive at first. Then he agreed. It's been baby steps in terms of him accepting this. The last incident he had at work he commented "my effed up brain wiring." Now I can talk to him about things using that difference between us without blaming him. It's just our brains work differently.

Usually when my BF has one of his "moments" it's because he's close to having a meltdown but there's a thin line. You can't allow abusive behavior even though it isn't intended to be abusive because it wears you down.

Don't give up hope, though. It takes a TON of work and most of it will be on your part because you are the one who has a more flexible mind and communication skills.

These three books helped tremendously:

ASPERGER'S SYNDROME AND LONG TERM RELATIONSHIPS and TROUBLESHOOTING RELATIONSHIPS ON THE AUTISTIC SPECTRUM by Ashley Standford.

A FIELD GUIDE TO EARTHLINGS: AN AUTISTIC/ASPERGER VIEW OF NEUROTYPICAL BEHAVIOR by Ian Ford. This is an odd book and not exactly enjoyable to read BUT it will give you an insight into how NTs perceive the world, like how we think but take for granted.

Dr. Tony Attwood says that those on the spectrum oftentimes choose the type of partner who has excellent social/interpersonal skills. You and your bf are a mirror image of me and mine. Mine is in IT and I'm a social worker!

I know it can be lonely and hard because even after we understand the inappropriate behaviors are related to the condition, we can't share with friends or families because they JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND. If you ever need an ear, feel free to contact me!

 

[sisselcakes]

<Sigh> We get this about once a week. We even started a thread on why we are so hard to date.

My opinion is the the saying "If you met one Autie or Aspie you met ONE autie or aspie."

In the end, NTs have to make the decision . I don't know what to say because it's tough . I would not date me, but I wish there were someone out there who could............! So you are a good person, but don't think things will change. YOU will do all the changing. We are like fixed entities.

Your opinion is so right. I see that more and more as time goes on. It's so unfair to categorize someone on the spectrum as being the same as all others but it's

Indeed! I am the only person who can know my own limits. I am the one in the relationship after all. As I stated before @OkRad, I am not looking to leave the relationship. Identifying my limits is my issue alone, one I've struggled with for many years. I guess, more than anything, I am looking to find support for some of the difficulties I face in our relationship (emotional invalidation) and for tips on how to improve the interactions between me and my partner. Some other aspects that are difficult include his extreme low self-esteem...I think I'll create another post to see if anyone has any suggestions of how to positively respond to someone who continually puts himself down (aka he says, "I suck", "I am stupid" "I am poop", etc...). I am always disagreeing or asking him 'what makes you say that?' But he persists for the most part despite any intervention or reassurance on my part.

At the risk of being bossy, let me suggest you not get involved in what you have described as his "low self-esteem". I'm a social worker and you are studying psychology. We are nurturers by nature. It's very easy to become a parent or a therapist to our partners. His self-esteem is not yours to "fix", nor are his ASD challenges. If you look at your partner in that light, you become a parent or a therapist. it creates a balance differential in your relationship. He becomes a project. Not fair to either of you.

Perhaps he would be willing to see a therapist if he agrees the low self-esteem is a problem. I found that seeing a therapist a few times with my bf was helpful. He wasn't enthusiastic about it but afterwards said "I didn't know what to expect but that wasn't what I expected". LOL. I took that to mean it may have been somewhat helpful from his perspective. Perhaps.

 

[sisselcakes]

Aspies usually don't like to put on the spot, they will react defensively under the circumstances, and it's not always nice.

Keep in mind that what he says to you, is similar to the way he perceives himself. And his concept of self, is likely much worse.

Hi there Mia.

When you say what he says to you is similar to the way he perceives himself, are you basing that on your experience or something you have read? I ask because I know that is conventional wisdom in interpersonal relationships but wondering if you are speaking about ASD relationships in particular. Thanks!

 

[sisselcakes]

What you described is abusive behavior that should not be tolerated from anyone whether the person happened to have a diagnosis or not... (Also you say he is undiagnosed so I assume he is not aware of any of his differences or struggles and is not willing to work on them.) The fact that you stay is saying "It is okay to treat me this way" even though you may not like being treated that way or even object to it.

I beg to differ. We don't know what his intention is. That doesn't mean she should sit there and take treatment that makes her feel diminished but just because it looks abusive doesn't mean that his intention is to hurt her.

 

[Mia]

When you say what he says to you is similar to the way he perceives himself, are you basing that on your experience or something you have read?

Both.

 

[Persephone_]

Sisselcakes,

Good insights ......I will get the books you mentioned. I am having some trouble with my Volkano guy. And I have to learn how to don't mess up everything when he acts in a way I can't understand...

 

[sisselcakes]

Sisselcakes,

Good insights ......I will get the books you mentioned. I am having some trouble with my Volkano guy. And I have to learn how to don't mess up everything when he acts in a way I can't understand...

It's super hard but worth it in the end if you're with the right person

 

[LucyPurrs]

Indeed! I am the only person who can know my own limits. I am the one in the relationship after all. As I stated before @OkRad, I am not looking to leave the relationship. Identifying my limits is my issue alone, one I've struggled with for many years. I guess, more than anything, I am looking to find support for some of the difficulties I face in our relationship (emotional invalidation) and for tips on how to improve the interactions between me and my partner. Some other aspects that are difficult include his extreme low self-esteem...I think I'll create another post to see if anyone has any suggestions of how to positively respond to someone who continually puts himself down (aka he says, "I suck", "I am stupid" "I am poop", etc...). I am always disagreeing or asking him 'what makes you say that?' But he persists for the most part despite any intervention or reassurance on my part.

Suggest you focus on giving him positive feedback about his positive behaviors and qualities i.e. I love you because you ..........(be extremely specific and do it over and over). I'd put more emphasis on that then responding to his negative self statements.

 

[Rebekah Spencer]

Devany,
I also am in love with a man who behaves exactly as you describe. He is also working in the IT realm and I joined today because I have been doing research, trying to figure out what is going on. I have never been in a forum like this before and am a bit unsure if how it all works but so desperately need support from people facing the same struggle I am. And this is a struggle. The man I love does not understand when he says things that upset the people around us. He also threatens to leave me on the side of the road (and has left me stranded at our hotel. 1 1/2 hrs from the airport we were leaving from the next day). I had to get a cab the next morning.
If I put my attention on anyone else for any period of time he deems unacceptable he gets angry and will come up to me and in front of the people I'm speaking with, berate me and tell me I have a choice, I can leave with him or stay. Most of the time this happens at functions where I am a senior member in the organization.
We also have a satisfying sexual life but the personal compassion/understanding thing is lacking. He does not accept responsibility for behaviors that have caused friends to no longer hang out with us. I planned an event that he was supposed to be in charge of at an organization we are both members of. After two months of planning, set-up and execution the day of, and clean-up afterwards at the site location, he was angry with me for not having items for 200 people organized and put back in storage at our house within 3 days. And didn't think he should have to help clean up and organize. For his event. I am so confused as to how he is head of an IT department but does not exhibit executive functioning behaviors at home. Although this may not be completely true. He has difficulty with people at work, particularly if he is questioned by two people senior to him in another division. How can someone make it so far in a particular area but be so deficient in others? Okay. That sounds silly because I only have a few areas of things that I'm really good at and don't know much about a lot of things. But somehow this doesn't really seem to correlate with the behaviors I have questions about. I am tired and so very sad. I am making the choice to stay but I don't want the rest of my life like this.

Hello everyone ,
This is my first post and I am looking for advice on certain aspects of my relationship with my Aspie partner. A little intro to our couple : I am a NT woman who is in a long-term relationship with an (undiagnosed) Aspie man. We have been together for almost 5 years and just started living together in May 2016. We care for each other very much! I am currently completing my Doctor's degree in psychology and aiming to become a professional clinician. He works in information technology. He is very high functioning and from first meeting him most people would not guess he is on the spectrum. He is bright, funny, honest, loyal, and can even be very tender and affectionate at times. I am curious, energetic, and sensitive. Unlike what I have come to understand about most aspie-NT relationships, we have a very fulfilling and intimate sexual life. However, unsurprisingly, many of our problems lie in communicating and emotional intimacy. I am having trouble adjusting to certain aspects of living together, most notably his more rigid patterns and difficulty changing ineffective patterns. For example, a sort of silly one, we have a laundry hamper basket and my aspie bf consistently puts his clothes right in front of the basket instead of inside the basket. Sigh. I have asked him (politely and with a clear explanation of why it's important to me = easier since all in once place, having a clean aesthetic environment is important to me) many times to put the clothes in the basket but he simply does not do it. More seriously, he adopts some very invalidating behaviours towards me, especially when I express discontent (again, being aware of his difficulties, I try to be very clear about what I need/want). I am basically questioning whether his invalidating attitude is part of aspergers or his personality. He has on more than one occasion said the following : you're just trying to annoy me on purpose, stop creating stories in your head, you're just acting up to get attention, etc. On a few occasions he has even told me to 'shut up' '**** off' and even once threatened, while we were on a trip : 'if you don't stop acting up (i was crying about an insensitive comment he had made) I will leave you on the side of the road!" He can raise his voice sometimes without being aware...I will point it out and he will deny it. I've also experienced stonewalling, silent treatment and shutting himself in our office. I recognize that some of this is my fault as well. Of course, it takes two to tango...meaning problems usually arise due to both parties. I can be sensitive, crying and occasionally placing blame and complaining ineffectively. I have been working a lot on trying to stay calm when expressing something to him, using direct clear statements, using 'I' instead of blaming. This is often to no avail. I often feel that he sees me as the source of all problems, he doesn't recognize his behaviour as sometimes inappropriate....this is all so frustrating as he almost never apologizes. I am wondering what parts I should tolerate and what I should not. I try to be compassionate and see things from his perspective and I recognize that most comments are probably unintentionally rude. However, sometimes it hits so close to home that it seems manipulative. Even when I ask him to stop saying these things he defiantly defends his point of view. I could say a lot more but I will stop here for now. I love him very much and I know he loves me too. I want to find better ways to interact and I want to know more about Aspies' opinions on the matter. Thank you!!

 

[Ylva]

He also threatens to leave me on the side of the road (and has left me stranded at our hotel.

This is not okay.

Your problem is not that he is autistic (which he may or may not be), but that he is an asshole.

Far be it from me to give advice on allistic relationships, but if it were me I would show him that he is not the only one who can set ultimatums.

 

[Streetwise]

He sounds like me it's a lack of socialisation,so I have stayed very childish in socialisation,I think we also have to accept that people on the autism spectrum have a developmental disorder he is not wired the way you are ,sadly I've heard people say if they are married to a man who was on The autism spectrum it is like being married to a baby men who are on the autism spectrum disorder seem to display been wired differently to a greater extent Women who are diagnosed with the label high functioning autism mask it too a greater extent he appears to be displaying traits of autism not neuro typical think an adult man or woman shouldn't if he had down syndrome he would probably be accepted because they are being seen as benign whereas we are disliked

Devany,
I also am in love with a man who behaves exactly as you describe. He is also working in the IT realm and I joined today because I have been doing research, trying to figure out what is going on. I have never been in a forum like this before and am a bit unsure if how it all works but so desperately need support from people facing the same struggle I am. And this is a struggle. The man I love does not understand when he says things that upset the people around us. He also threatens to leave me on the side of the road (and has left me stranded at our hotel. 1 1/2 hrs from the airport we were leaving from the next day). I had to get a cab the next morning.
If I put my attention on anyone else for any period of time he deems unacceptable he gets angry and will come up to me and in front of the people I'm speaking with, berate me and tell me I have a choice, I can leave with him or stay. Most of the time this happens at functions where I am a senior member in the organization.
We also have a satisfying sexual life but the personal compassion/understanding thing is lacking. He does not accept responsibility for behaviors that have caused friends to no longer hang out with us. I planned an event that he was supposed to be in charge of at an organization we are both members of. After two months of planning, set-up and execution the day of, and clean-up afterwards at the site location, he was angry with me for not having items for 200 people organized and put back in storage at our house within 3 days. And didn't think he should have to help clean up and organize. For his event. I am so confused as to how he is head of an IT department but does not exhibit executive functioning behaviors at home. Although this may not be completely true. He has difficulty with people at work, particularly if he is questioned by two people senior to him in another division. How can someone make it so far in a particular area but be so deficient in others? Okay. That sounds silly because I only have a few areas of things that I'm really good at and don't know much about a lot of things. But somehow this doesn't really seem to correlate with the behaviors I have questions about. I am tired and so very sad. I am making the choice to stay but I don't want the rest of my life like this.