Love is alien to me. How do I tell if I’m getting taken advantage of instead of finding a partner?

[Alexej]

I’m not sending sexy pics unless it’s to my future spouse.

Totally agree

That kind of request is way out of order to ask someone you have never even met irl

 

[Rodafina]

Hey @mysterionz,

I’m glad you posted about this and I think you’re getting some really valuable advice here. It’s understandable to not fully trust or want your parents’ input at this point, but it can also be confusing to go this course totally alone… Especially with internet dating/meeting people.

Like you, I am definitely not socializing with a friend or friends on a regular basis, so it is hard to either meet people or to get different opinions from friends about what’s going on in your life. I hope that we can be that for you, your wing person so to speak.

I was touched by what you said about love and I can definitely relate to the feeling of wanting it and fearing it will never come. Just remember that actual love takes time. Anyone who is ready to jump into something serious or seems too good to be true in the very first few meetings, this is typically a warning sign. Although we can become infatuated quickly, any kind of connection and attachment will take time. There is no other way to form these bonds.

In your time on the forum it has become clearly evident that you are a super fun, sometimes exuberant, immensely talented, and creative ball of awesomeness. Anyone who you want to be a partner with should have the chance to get to know these things about you and appreciate those first and foremost, in my opinion.

Honestly, I would rather see you with somebody who is requesting pictures of your awesome artwork rather than “naughty“ pictures that you are not sure you want to send.

 

[Luca]

In your time on the forum it has become clearly evident that you are a super fun, sometimes exuberant, immensely talented, and creative ball of awesomeness. Anyone who you want to be a partner with should have the chance to get to know these things about you and appreciate those first and foremost, in my opinion.

I feel exactly the same way about @mysterionz

 

[mysterionz]

Never used Bumble myself but, I don’t know if you are meeting someone who wants to call you everyday only because he thinks you’re cute and body etc is cute, I don’t know…bit of a flag there especially only after meeting yesterday. I guess, if your dad is uncomfortable with you meeting people unless he personally checks them, i can see it on both sides — i know that it is frustrating and you should be allowed to make your own decisions and mistakes…but if your dad is doing this to protect you from creeps like this, then yes, probably understandable. If this guy on bumble is asking for you “undressing”or nudes, then really…after one day? It’s kind of like sending intimate body part pictures as an opening communication.

You’re not going to be alone but unfortuantely, you are going to have to be careful about which guys you interact with. Unfortunately, as women on the spectrum we are just as vulnerable and some people do take advantage of that — even if we just want to be friends only. Be careful. Take steps to keep yourself safe.Especially if you do go on a first date — always meet in public in the day time.



ASD people are also not seperate from this behavior. Some, yes, dont know what is correct behavior in approaching and obviously that’s understandable but there are some that do know that this behavior is not acceptable and still persist. It’s difficult to call but he is still crossing your boundaries and seems to have no respect for you outside viewing you as someone for potential sex. You deserve better than that.

Women can also be as creepy as guys. I once joined a dating app that whilst I had some guys pretending to be women although not trans, just for some reason Thought identifying as a lesbian would mean they had a bigger access to potential women (with intimate body part pictures being sent), I’ve also had some women who just go “sex?” or ask for intimate pictures on the first conversation - bit rare but it does happen…I once sent one woman a picture of my cat when asked for my p””””.=D

Finding the right person is Like a minefield but it can happen.





Very good points here — Also tell your contact safe person who you’re seeing, where you will see them and what time you expect to be back.

I think it’s one of the saddest things convincing yourself that you’re straight when you have a questioning interest In something outside the expectation. My mom is heavily homophobic and although I love my mom because she’s my mom, I cannot deny that feeling the way I felt growing up and being confused and fighting against my sexuality has also had a strong negative impact. I have not come out to my mother, and I probably wont directly, but at least she’s stopped talking about me finding a male partner…so maybe she’s finally getting it.

Nice dress. =D

I dress often in dark clothing or alternative goth type clothing outside of my formal clothes for work. I also change my color hair often to bright colors and have several ear piercings. =D Embrace who you are and what you want to be.

Also do draw and post, we’d all love to see it.=D

Cute rainbow alternative girl says you are loved, cherished, and that you matter. Maybe I should’ve given her some more piercings. The star design on her face is definitely a tattoo, no going back once you get something inked on your face/any spot where it’s painful to get a tattoo.

 

[Judge]

As was already pointed out, that's a seriously bad "red flag" for anyone to ask for nude pictures of you. Especially as someone you only recently met online. Odds are that's all they are really looking for. Those who simply want to exploit you. Worse if it's intended to potentially blackmail you. - The sign of a predator, not a friend.

Best to cut off any and all contact with such a person.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

To have somebody you haven't met IRL overtly sexualize you right off is a huge red flag. He is fishing for somebody he can manipulate and use.

How to know a good partner for a relationship? That is not easy as that takes time beyond the superficial. Yet, the initial attraction is based on the superficial, and manipulators key in on that to make a person feel good about themself. I may have had an overly romanticized view of love and relationships since, until about 26, I was very inexperienced with women. But I found out in meeting my future spouse that the important things were.

---

Friends first.
A personality which was
- Accepting
- Kind
- Curious
- Harmonious, with good interests.
Intelligent.

I had called her, the first woman that I did not already know, to see if she wanted to ride together to a Sierra Club project and we talked frequently to plan and get in shape. We were becoming friends. I did not have the effrontery to even ask about pictures. So, finally we met IRL for the four day road trip to join the group. Seeing her for the first time I thought, how svelt. We had four days of adventures and problems and got to know each other quite well and I was falling for her. I am glad we were friends first as I wanted to be vulnerable to her and I wanted to express my love physically We made love and my thought was to enjoy her pleasure. I was a virgin, she was not, but with my enthusiasm towards her she thought that I was experienced. Years later I felt good when she mentioned to me that she had felt used sexually by men but I was the first to really care for her in our lovemaking. That made me feel studly. I may not have been my spouse's first, but I am the last lover she wanted.

I wish you luck in your relationships, but the guy you mention sounds like a manipulator to me. I have talked to shy women (my spouse is basically shy) and many are hoping to meet a more quirky and sensitive guy but are approached by entitled, overconfident meatheads. Find a shy guy and if there is a relative social one with ASD, you can very well find an accepting, devoted, interesting, partner.

 

[Shamar]

Matched with a guy on Bumble. Deleted my bumble profile. Guy now has my number and wants to call me everyday because he thinks I’m cute and thinks my body and physical features are attractive. Keep in mind we met yesterday and he’s jumping into plans of irl meetups. My dad is uncomfortable with me meeting ppl I don’t know unless he has talked to them personally, which turns me off from going out with my friends. The excuse is because I rarely do so since I lack friends that are my age. He has asked for “undressing” pics (presumably just me in a bra, which I sent one time and he wants more, which I’m uncomfortable with).

Im scared that I’m gonna be forever alone and have nobody to share my life with. The only real chance I get to socialize with ppl is at work.

I had to think about this for a while, and there are disparate things to say, so this may be a bit disjointed. First, all men are scum at some point in their lives. Most of us grow out of it, some do not. This sounds like one who did not. Avoid him like the plague. Change your phone number if necessary. Your father sounds like a good man, trying to protect you, as he should. He may be overdoing it a bit (or perhaps a lot), but I think he should be listened to. I agree with others that the "undress photos" are a red flag. He may want them just for masturbating to, add to his collection of pictures. maybe to show his friends his hot new girlfriend, or perhaps to blackmail you into sex. Whatever the reason, it is WRONG. I doubt he will stop asking until he has picture of you naked. He sounds like a demanding and manipulating personality, and any relationship with him will be poison to you. You have not been here very long, but you are a member of our community and family, and we tend to protect our own.

Like you, love is alien to me, but for different reasons. You may have read some of my posts on the subject. I have lived all my life alone, and it IS painful. The best I can do is what I call "relief from loneliness." It is what I imagine love is like, but it is always transitory, lasting until I no longer feel alone, then fading away, and the loneliness return. Even with my wife, sometimes I feel it coming back, then it fades away and is gone. You are young and probably a bit naive, especially since you are autistic. Don't be desperate, don't jump at the first opportunity. Take your time and find real love, not an illusion of love that will soon hurt more than the pain of loneliness.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

It's modern now to blame all men and say that all men are born broken and have to be fixed. And we should hang our heads in shame and hate ourselves and who we are. I'm not buying that, I have never been scum. Men are humans beings too and there is such a thing as men who are not rabid animals. Some men actually were normal little boys and grew up to be normal men and didn't hurt anyone. Yes there are many bad men in the world but to say that all men have been scum is not right.

I do not buy that either, but in my life I have seen men who are manipulators and users when it came to sex, and many women have had to deal with entitled jerks who harass them. Some women fall for such, reinforcing the behaviors. I have heard from women hoping for connection going to clubs holding a drink with white knuckles, hoping to be approached and when it happens feeling used when the guy ghosts them after sex. How does a shy, nice man with lots of potential make headway against that?

I had thought of myself as a particularly nice, shy, guy and had to face the headwinds of women disliking the meatheads, either assuming I was one, or just looking to use me economically. I had such a hard time.

The worst blow to my self esteem came when I had a crush on a nice woman and a guy who knew that and was a manipulator came up to me and told me I should ask her out because she was a good lay. That made me feel very worthless. I know that I should not feel this way, but it hurt as much as having her reject me. I forgive myself, because after that I should have connected with her to demonstrate what a good man is like (if she even would have wanted me).

 

[Mr. Stevens]

^Gerald, I must say you sound like a great catch, based on your principles and presentation here. I wish more people gave your advice to men, instead of all this "Alpha" posturing I see out there.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

@mysterionz, you have a lot of good suggestions from people here with life experience. A person who loves you will care for your comfort and safety foremost, and they will want to really get to know you and not just stroke you ego hoping you will jump into bed with them. Navigating the social to find a rewarding relationship is fraught, even for NTs and doubly hard for us if we have a trusting nature.

 

[Human Avatar]

Seems like a very unnatural progression to dating . Unfortunately dating apps I am not fond of but that is my opinion . It’s like window shopping people . Seems a bit weird. But me of all people understand social anxiety and the attraction to this method

And I really despise dating , because it so stressful , but forced myself . Knowing what to say or keep interest in each other at first is scary , I have made checklists before going on a date and brought to dinner with me . I did not go well and she was angry ! . But I did not think anything was wrong with figuring out the probability of compatibility. But another girl laughed and took another approach , and on the 2nd date she brought a checklist and it was bigger than mine ! I was fine with it .
My grandfather Taught me proper etiquette, how to date 1940s style . So that’s what I have done and woman are always shocked when you open doors for them , and ask to give them a goodnight hug or kiss only if another date has been established beforehand . And never talk about sleeping together especially only after a few dates and somebody you do not know or are not comfortable with. And when the hormones kick in together at the same moment someday things will happen naturally .
Maybe this guy got bad advice being Autistic as well . As someone has mentioned.

I feel sorry for the younger generations of Autistic people because we can stay in our rooms (Our safe place ) and go on dating apps .

I feel old saying this - but I had to force myself the traditional way of the past . No internet dating . I had to meet someone through a friend . Or walk up to a girl and say “hello” would you like to get coffee someday with me ? or go to the library or museum? By being forced to do this even though I am awkward and shy and direct , some women may see that as confidence.

I have even had many women , men and even transgender women approach me . After playing a show with my bands over the years , And I will give them my undivided attention. And if I am with someone at the time I would just be direct with them . It’s due to my specific special interest in music that I had a chance to meet these people . And go on dates . When I was feeling social enough to do so .

If you go on a date with this guy or any other . Try to go on a double date in a public place only . Your fathers instincts are his way of protecting.

My younger brother met a girl online . Don’t think it was on a dating site though , it was a forum .
They talked online for 2 years . And eventually he just one day left and moved to Canada to be with her . They are married and have 4 kids ! So there is a probability of success online .

I know if I did not force myself out of my shell a little bit , the only person to blame for being alone is me .

Be safe please . Think of most men or even women( danger is not only specific to men) when you first meet them even after a few dates to not be trustworthy or have good intentions . Don’t rush and be aware of everything around you.

 

[mysterionz]

^Gerald, I must say you sound like a great catch, based on your principles and presentation here. I wish more people gave your advice to men, instead of all this "Alpha" posturing I see out there.

Like Russell Hartley (in relation to “alpha” males and all that silly stuff)

 

[mysterionz]

he contacted me again. Should I ghost him if he’s gonna get creepy?

 

[Human Avatar]

he contacted me again. Should I ghost him if he’s gonna get creepy?

Maybe just be direct how you are feeling about it ?Set boundaries if that makes it better for you .

 

[mysterionz]

Maybe just be direct how you are feeling about it ?

I’m too scared to. I have his number erased from my contacts already

 

[Human Avatar]

I’m too scared to. I have his number erased from my contacts already

I understand.

 

[Rodafina]

We can help you figure out what to write if he contacts you again. If you want.

 

[mysterionz]

We can help you figure out what to write if he contacts you again. If you want.

That would be very nice /positive ^_^

 

[Rodafina]

That would be very nice /positive ^_^

Thank you for the clarity. I like this system very much!

Do you want to try to write what you would like to write and we can help? Or do you want some suggestions?

 

[mysterionz]

Thank you for the clarity. I like this system very much!

Do you want to try to write what you would like to write and we can help? Or do you want some suggestions?

Suggestions first, so we can piece together a decent response.