MAKING AND KEEPING FRIENDS WITH NT's

[Grumpy Cat]

I have 2 friends real life which i am sure they are both aspies although not officially diagnosed. We share the same special interests which makes it awsome to interact with. I have read tons of books on how to make and maintain friendship with NT's but i have an 100% percentage failure so far. Either they get overwhelmed by my aspie habits (like being on headphones 12 hours a day or having meltdowns) or i get overstressed of all this trying to normalize myself and we part ways. My advice would be try to find open-minded, kind and super patient NT's to hang out with. Or try to interact with other aspies.

I love your hair color!!!! Is that your real hair? I would love to have a color like that for a couple days (I'd want to keep changing colors). And my Mama would die of a heart attack if she saw me. Waldo would probably be so shocked he'd throw up a hairball. That is just too cool!

 

[Guendolen]

I love your hair color!!!! Is that your real hair? I would love to have a color like that for a couple days (I'd want to keep changing colors). And my Mama would die of a heart attack if she saw me. Waldo would probably be so shocked he'd throw up a hairball. That is just too cool!

Thank you. Yes it is my real hair, it is manic panic vegan hairdye non animal tested and it lasts about a month. If you like it, go for it! They are easily washed colours online, totally safe for your hair to experiment with

 

[DogwoodTree]

Do you have to bleach your hair first? I'm a natural blonde and never did any hair coloring because I didn't want to mess it up. But it would be fun to play with some color for a month at a time!

 

[Guendolen]

Yes. For this type of semi-permanent hair dye you need bleaching. But it is not always necessary. There are many products available online that don't require bleaching. I would suggest using them if you want to change your hair colour often.

 

[ayoungaspie]

Don't think of them as "NT's" just think of them as people. When you think of them as NT's I think it makes you think that you're inferior and that's not true. Try being around people with your same interests. I had tried this one knitting group and didn't like how the main woman treated me, but I liked some of the other women. I'm thinking of trying the group out again. Maybe me and the woman I didn't "click" with might get along better the next time, but if I don't try I will never know and I might meet someone else in the group I do like.

I spoke to my youth worker today and he pointed out that since these guys made some effort to contact me in the past, they had at least some interest in a friendship with me. Now I sort of feel like I damaged those potential friendships by never taking the initiative myself. Do you think that is a fair assessment?

It seems I've pretty much misunderstood the meaning of friendship, or at least that is how it feels at the moment, and completely missed the meanings behind all the social signals!

 

[wyverary]

It seems I've pretty much misunderstood the meaning of friendship, or at least that is how it feels at the moment, and completely missed the meanings behind all the social signals!

You're not alone, hun. For those of us who are older souls, it's taken a lot of work to learn how to navigate the world of friendships and relationships. And it's still hard. I'm glad you have someone to give you guidance and advice in your situation. Everything is a learning experience, and I've had more than my fair share!

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I spoke to my youth worker today and he pointed out that since these guys made some effort to contact me in the past, they had at least some interest in a friendship with me. Now I sort of feel like I damaged those potential friendships by never taking the initiative myself. Do you think that is a fair assessment?

It seems I've pretty much misunderstood the meaning of friendship, or at least that is how it feels at the moment, and completely missed the meanings behind all the social signals!

It's not over until life is over! You can still jump start those friendships with a text or email. And don't beat yourself up over not recognizing the social signals - from what I gather understanding social things isn't an Aspie's specialty. I can tell you that it's hard to make and keep friendships for an NT too. I actually got to see my new friend today that I met at work and had texted but didn't get a reply. I thought she wasn't interested in being friends, but that wasn't true - her apartment caught fire - she's doing ok now, though. So get back out there and make some friends!

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

I'd like an NT friend to not dismiss what I say when I answer a question about my sensory issues. "Everybody does that." Well, the thing to appreciate is that I feel it more, and longer, and recover more slowly.

I'd like an NT friend to actually wonder what AS is, without making me the only available source. Show some curiosity, not assume face value.

I'd like an NT friend to understand that I know when I "go dark" that I'm aware they miss me, and this behavior is about self-care, and sometimes about relationship care if I'm really vulnerable. 99% of the time, it's not a personal rejection. If I am having a problem with them, they'll know, 'cause I'll tell them.

I'd like an NT friend to say, "you shouldn't say it that way" when I tell them something that's too harsh, and then tell me a kinder way to phrase it, because I so often experience NTs as insensitive (see first sentence).

I ask too much, but that's what I want from an NT friend.

 

[Lola_Daydream]

The walking on eggshells comment really hits home with me, because I had one friend complain to me that she felt that way around me.
So I guess I would have to say that I would like a NT friend to understand that when I ask if they are mad at me, or point out that they seem to be acting different that they don't get offended and angry by that. That they understand my intentions are not to make them feel scrutinized or that I am judging their every action but that I ask those questions because I can not read their body or facial language and I am asking not because I want to pick a fight but because I honestly care about our friendship and if I had upset them I want to make it right by them and show them I care and love them.
Also to not be aggravated by having to be blunt and straightforward with me. It is a hell of a lot easier on me if someone is blunt with me because I find the whole figure out what I am feeling, thinking game to be literally exhausting. The whole you should know what I am thinking, feeling game makes me frustrated because I literally suck at it. I can tolerate someone to an acquaintance level with that but to move beyond that with me I need a NT to allow me to relax. Just as they need to feel relaxed and not walking on eggshells so do I. And constantly guessing their feelings, because my ability to read them non verbally stinks makes me Literally walk on eggshells around them! I need an NT friend to realize this. Also to realize if they were blunt and told me they were angry at me that I would be able to handle it well and I would be grateful to know and willing to bend over backwards to make them happy and correct the problem and make them feel better. Just give me a chance.

 

[ayoungaspie]

I experience that "walking on eggshells" thing all the time, well, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around NT acquaintances who are potential friends, and the other way round applies to my family who often say they are walking on eggshells with me.

I think my inability to read the non-verbal cues, thus causing me to guess feelings really damages a lot of relationships. In a few instances it has caused me to lose contact with people because I'm too scared to initiate a conversation.

 

[Lola_Daydream]

I experience that "walking on eggshells" thing all the time, well, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around NT acquaintances who are potential friends, and the other way round applies to my family who often say they are walking on eggshells with me.

I think my inability to read the non-verbal cues, thus causing me to guess feelings really damages a lot of relationships. In a few instances it has caused me to lose contact with people because I'm too scared to initiate a conversation.

Exactly, I feel awful I don't want them to feel like they are walking on eggshells around me. Yet at the same time if I keep my fear, paranoia, anxiety and worries about how they perceive or feel about me to myself then I am constantly playing the guessing game and then I am walking on eggshells around my NT friends! The only solution I see to end the silly nonsense is to just have open communication between us where we honor, trust and be truthful with one another about what we are feeling, and not be mean about it, and not be defensive but understanding of our language barriers.

 

[Cerulean]

I hate that look you see on their faces, and you're thinking Oh cr..p I already talked about this before didn't I, cr..p now I get to be weird again.

Haha this is like, every interaction I have with some people. Some people know it's just me being me and aren't offended/annoyed but I always feel dumb anyway.

 

[Maelstrom]

Haha this is like, every interaction I have with some people. Some people know it's just me being me and aren't offended/annoyed but I always feel dumb anyway.

Hi Cerulean nice to see you on the thread, hope you are doing well. Yes with my high I.Q. it really hurts my pride when I fall flat on my face on the people stuff. I'm trying to stop my self from withdrawing more and just try to smooth things over with friendliness. But it is a struggle sometimes, polishing scratches from the soul takes time and effort.

Hi Grumpy Cat, Hi Lola, I hope you are both doing well.

 

[Lola_Daydream]

I am feeling better today still got a wicked cough, but that is about it.

 

[ayoungaspie]

I just thought I would bump this thread because I am still having trouble with developing and maintaining friendships in general. I have, though, become rather fixated on a particular group of people I want to be closer to, or at least have more consistent and predictable contact with. It has become a bit of an obsession which is emotionally distressing me. I created another thread about it ("Online gaming friends") and another about managing unhealthy obsessions because I do realize it is an unhealthy obsession. I don't mean to bother everyone too much by posting about the same thing repetitively, I guess I'm just desperate. I apologize in advance if I have broken any rules. I think it was important to have a thread about online friends though because online contact is different in that there are no real social cues like body language and whatnot.

The thing is about this particular group is that they don't seem to need me (I can just sense that this is the case) and I generally can't develop and maintain friendships because I'm too shy and "not interesting" enough, if that makes sense. It has become an obsession because I have a fixed idea in my head about the whole thing. It is getting to me because I have gotten mixed signals in the past and felt almost friends but it just never developed. But obviously it didn't help that I always waited for them to initiate contact because I was too shy!

Has anyone else ever experienced being on the "verge of friendship" but it not developing because of the social awkwardness I mentioned? I would like to be able to either rekindle these relationships or learn to let them go because it isn't going to happen.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Has anyone else ever experienced being on the "verge of friendship" but it not developing because of the social awkwardness I mentioned?

So many times, I've lost count. I kept thinking I just hadn't pushed myself hard enough. Then discovered the AS aspect of it. Makes sense now, but doesn't fix the problem.

 

[ayoungaspie]

Thanks for the quick reply, and what would you say are the main things which are the AS aspects?

Maybe if I understood I would find it easier to let these people go. It feels hard at the moment to stop analyzing it all because I am fixated. It's almost like I am attached to the memory of being almost friends with them when they probably aren't even thinking of me.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I just thought I would bump this thread because I am still having trouble with developing and maintaining friendships in general. I have, though, become rather fixated on a particular group of people I want to be closer to, or at least have more consistent and predictable contact with. It has become a bit of an obsession which is emotionally distressing me. I created another thread about it ("Online gaming friends") and another about managing unhealthy obsessions because I do realize it is an unhealthy obsession. I don't mean to bother everyone too much by posting about the same thing repetitively, I guess I'm just desperate. I apologize in advance if I have broken any rules. I think it was important to have a thread about online friends though because online contact is different in that there are no real social cues like body language and whatnot.

The thing is about this particular group is that they don't seem to need me (I can just sense that this is the case) and I generally can't develop and maintain friendships because I'm too shy and "not interesting" enough, if that makes sense. It has become an obsession because I have a fixed idea in my head about the whole thing. It is getting to me because I have gotten mixed signals in the past and felt almost friends but it just never developed. But obviously it didn't help that I always waited for them to initiate contact because I was too shy!

Has anyone else ever experienced being on the "verge of friendship" but it not developing because of the social awkwardness I mentioned? I would like to be able to either rekindle these relationships or learn to let them go because it isn't going to happen.

Did you contact any of them yet?

 

[ayoungaspie]

I did contact one, and asked if he wanted to play a game but it was a bad time for him since he had a driving lesson... nevertheless we did have a decent chat. However, he hasn't asked for a game since despite playing with others, so I don't know if he's that interested.

The other guy (who happens to play with the guy mentioned above) I haven't spoken to in 6 months, so I'm a little more apprehensive about contacting him. My gut feeling is that they are simply fulfilling their gaming needs with each other and so aren't interested in playing with me.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I did contact one, and asked if he wanted to play a game but it was a bad time for him since he had a driving lesson... nevertheless we did have a decent chat. However, he hasn't asked for a game since despite playing with others, so I don't know if he's that interested.

The other guy (who happens to play with the guy mentioned above) I haven't spoken to in 6 months, so I'm a little more apprehensive about contacting him. My gut feeling is that they are simply fulfilling their gaming needs with each other and so aren't interested in playing with me.

How about inviting both to your place to play games? Although I would make sure the games were for 3 or more players otherwise someone would get shut out.