MAKING AND KEEPING FRIENDS WITH NT's

[Cerulean]

All I really need from an NT, or anybody really, is patience. I don't mind talking about things I'm not already interested in, or learning about the other person, but sometimes I need to have someone repeat something, or rephrase it. Sometimes I might take a little longer to get to the point of a story, or need to not be interrupted. Or need the patience that I might forget I've already told them something without interrupting me annoyed that this isn't new information to them.

 

[Maelstrom]

All I really need from an NT, or anybody really, is patience. I don't mind talking about things I'm not already interested in, or learning about the other person, but sometimes I need to have someone repeat something, or rephrase it. Sometimes I might take a little longer to get to the point of a story, or need to not be interrupted. Or need the patience that I might forget I've already told them something without interrupting me annoyed that this isn't new information to them.

Hi Cerulean I agree with you and it is largely the same with me on all this stuff. The only exception being I have a vacume cleaner for a brain so I do show genuine interest in their boring lives as I can usually spot a hidden pattern some where they are missing. I wish I could keep track of the things I've all ready talked about, I have a wicked long term memory but it doesn't seem to work on this. I hate that look you see on their faces, and you're thinking Oh cr..p I already talked about this before didn't I, cr..p now I get to be weird again.
But what can you do? other than slop the charm on heavy next week and hope they forget. Sometimes I think the only way we auties aspies will get to really talk is to buy a dog, a box of dog treats and sit on the back porch with him and watch the sun go down. the secret to happiness????

 

[Spiller]

I've had the same situation Angie.. Why haven't they text me back? Is there a problem? Don't they like me?
Often, it's stuff you find out later, they just had other big deals on their mind, no time.. whatever; nothing to do with you, so nothing personal.. and when you do catch up , the friendship still sails along .. Look at me giving you advice, hun

 

[grapesicles]

This thread reads my mind! Do you find it easier to have extrovert or introvert NT friends? Typically I find the extrovert ones fill in gaps in conversation easiest and verbalise themselves more, so they're easier to communicate with.

Meeting a friend 'irl' for the first time tomorrow - super nervous even though we've had tons to say through Skype already. They're quite extroverted so hoping face to face conversation will be easy. I've learnt recently that it's always best to talk or ask about the other person, since they always like it. Does anyone else think of a mental list of conversation topics the night before meeting up with someone in case things get too quiet/possible mind blanks, or is that just me?! Sometimes I get really nervous when put on the spot in such situations and my mind goes completely blank..

 

[Grumpy Cat]

This thread reads my mind! Do you find it easier to have extrovert or introvert NT friends? Typically I find the extrovert ones fill in gaps in conversation easiest and verbalise themselves more, so they're easier to communicate with.

Meeting a friend 'irl' for the first time tomorrow - super nervous even though we've had tons to say through Skype already. They're quite extroverted so hoping face to face conversation will be easy. I've learnt recently that it's always best to talk or ask about the other person, since they always like it. Does anyone else think of a mental list of conversation topics the night before meeting up with someone in case things get too quiet/possible mind blanks, or is that just me?! Sometimes I get really nervous when put on the spot in such situations and my mind goes completely blank..

I don't make a list of topics, but I'm NT you know, so it kind of comes natural to me depending on the person. A list would probably be a good idea for Aspies, but making it flow well might be hard since it will sound like an interview. Find a few things you both have in common and talk about those. If you skip around and talk about several topics it will be a little strange to and come across as not knowing what to say. Questions are used to keep the conversation going. I'd let the other person try to carry the conversation for awhile. Does the friend know you're Aspie?

 

[grapesicles]

I don't make a list of topics, but I'm NT you know, so it kind of comes natural to me depending on the person. A list would probably be a good idea for Aspies, but making it flow well might be hard since it will sound like an interview. Find a few things you both have in common and talk about those. If you skip around and talk about several topics it will be a little strange to and come across as not knowing what to say. Questions are used to keep the conversation going. I'd let the other person try to carry the conversation for awhile. Does the friend know you're Aspie?

That's very true - thank you! Think I'm just being nervous & overthinking as I'm sure it'll be fine, as they're super-nice. They know I'm 'weird' in different ways - haven't used the 'A' word yet but they seem totally fine with my weirdness, so that's really good.

It's definitely easier speaking to outgoing people since they're often bursting with things to talk about!

 

[Spiller]

This thread reads my mind! Do you find it easier to have extrovert or introvert NT friends? Typically I find the extrovert ones fill in gaps in conversation easiest and verbalise themselves more, so they're easier to communicate with.

Meeting a friend 'irl' for the first time tomorrow - super nervous even though we've had tons to say through Skype already. They're quite extroverted so hoping face to face conversation will be easy. I've learnt recently that it's always best to talk or ask about the other person, since they always like it. Does anyone else think of a mental list of conversation topics the night before meeting up with someone in case things get too quiet/possible mind blanks, or is that just me?! Sometimes I get really nervous when put on the spot in such situations and my mind goes completely blank..

I always get nervous when meeting people I know, worse with new people I know nothing about.. paradoxical in itself, as rationally you'd have more to discover with a new person, yes?
My trick is to intentionally not worry about it, to force those negative thoughts out and think of positive things I do know about them, as that's where the conversation comes from in the first place, right?
I find the more relaxed me much more amenable to social situations than the anxious "OMG, what'm I gonna talk about?" me.. I always considered my middle name to be 'Long-awkward-silence', but, with a bit of practice, I'm thinking of changing it to 'chilled listener'; I'm still not really talkative, but I've found ya don't always have to be.

 

[epath13]

I think I want to say something else on this thread. Sometimes it's not easy for me to deal with friends problems when I'm not feeling well. I feel I become too scripted, it's harder than usual for me to connect to my emotions and give appropriate support to them. Like now, for instance, I'm feeling really off. Surprisingly my younger son feel off as well. It happens so frequently, as if we are synced somehow anyhow, it feels as if I'm vanishing... hard to explain. Anyway, when I feel like that my responses often seem robotic, some weird stuff comes out, some repetitive actions and words and I'm just watching it all happening seemingly having no control over it. I think for people on outside it may not seem weird, I don't know. And I also don't know how hard or easy for person without Autism or any other conditions to understand how it feels. But I'm going to tell you, humor can solve anything. That's why it's in my list

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I've had the same situation Angie.. Why haven't they text me back? Is there a problem? Don't they like me?
Often, it's stuff you find out later, they just had other big deals on their mind, no time.. whatever; nothing to do with you, so nothing personal.. and when you do catch up , the friendship still sails along .. Look at me giving you advice, hun

You were right! She actually called me last night and we talked almost 90 minutes and got along as great as before! She hadn't answered because her apartment burned (her daughter started a grease fire) and they were busy trying to find a new place to live. So now we're going to go out after orientation is over. She hasn't made any new "work friends" either.

I think I need to work on not judging people right away on why they aren't answering me back - I think I do that because when someone gets in touch with me I usually answer them back in some form or fashion asap to at least let them know I got their message and will get back to them when I'm able. You gave great advice, Spiller. I was just a "doubting Thomasina".

 

[IAmParadiseSeekerJW]

Hm there is a lot that I wish from NT's...I had a close few friends who I'd consider to be NT's, and they are all quite outgoing, confident people (the opposite of me). But, they ended up moving one by one, and it's as though they have forgotten about me. They probably haven't, but my reasoning is that if you have a friend who you care about, you stay in contact. I will send a message (I can't send more than one after I have received one because I then feel like a pest), and my friend's don't reply for days, weeks or even months and then apologise quickly and tell me everything thats happened. Well, I can't accept that...I know everyone has busy lives and maybe i'm being unreasonable, but why can't they reply faster? I do when I can! I make time for it...I stop trusting them and remove them as friends :/ Then when I feel down, they brush over things with me and then they want me to feel all sympathetic with them and try and advise them but I don't feel up to it and can't cope. Some think i'm a bit weird and try and get me to come out of my shell more, or try something new but the reality is that they haven't accepted me for who I am and want me to change...Or at least, I see it that way. I find that hard to cope with. I wish they would be patient and more accepting...Maybe that's what i'm trying to say. And to actually put more of their time and effort into the friendships...Because otherwise, the friendship goes and I hate that happening... Sorry for ranting..I feel like i've lost a lot of friends recently and the number of 'trusted' people has gone down big time so i'm feeling sorry for myself just a little..

 

[Suzanne]

Hm there is a lot that I wish from NT's...I had a close few friends who I'd consider to be NT's, and they are all quite outgoing, confident people (the opposite of me). But, they ended up moving one by one, and it's as though they have forgotten about me. They probably haven't, but my reasoning is that if you have a friend who you care about, you stay in contact. I will send a message (I can't send more than one after I have received one because I then feel like a pest), and my friend's don't reply for days, weeks or even months and then apologise quickly and tell me everything thats happened. Well, I can't accept that...I know everyone has busy lives and maybe i'm being unreasonable, but why can't they reply faster? I do when I can! I make time for it...I stop trusting them and remove them as friends :/ Then when I feel down, they brush over things with me and then they want me to feel all sympathetic with them and try and advise them but I don't feel up to it and can't cope. Some think i'm a bit weird and try and get me to come out of my shell more, or try something new but the reality is that they haven't accepted me for who I am and want me to change...Or at least, I see it that way. I find that hard to cope with. I wish they would be patient and more accepting...Maybe that's what i'm trying to say. And to actually put more of their time and effort into the friendships...Because otherwise, the friendship goes and I hate that happening... Sorry for ranting..I feel like i've lost a lot of friends recently and the number of 'trusted' people has gone down big time so i'm feeling sorry for myself just a little..

I feel exactly the same way, as you, Dina.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I think I want to say something else on this thread. Sometimes it's not easy for me to deal with friends problems when I'm not feeling well. I feel I become too scripted, it's harder than usual for me to connect to my emotions and give appropriate support to them. Like now, for instance, I'm feeling really off. Surprisingly my younger son feel off as well. It happens so frequently, as if we are synced somehow anyhow, it feels as if I'm vanishing... hard to explain. Anyway, when I feel like that my responses often seem robotic, some weird stuff comes out, some repetitive actions and words and I'm just watching it all happening seemingly having no control over it. I think for people on outside it may not seem weird, I don't know. And I also don't know how hard or easy for person without Autism or any other conditions to understand how it feels. But I'm going to tell you, humor can solve anything. That's why it's in my list

When I'm not feeling well, i verbally shut down and don't talk.

 

[Kirsty]

When I'm not feeling well, i verbally shut down and don't talk.

I'd moan instead if I was around someone wanting them to baby me, lol. I live on my own far away from family so I do shut down and not talk when ill.

 

[ayoungaspie]

I can definitely relate to a lot of this... I have trouble maintaining friendships in particular, especially if things aren't consistent. For example, when I was in school it felt a little less awkward because I knew I would see each person on each particular day and in a certain lesson (it helped seeing them in person so often), etc, but now it feels almost impossible to keep a friendship going when most things are initiated through texting/online and whatnot.

Since I left school the more and more awkward it feels and a lot of the people I used to have a loose association with are pretty much gone from my life (not that that is always necessarily a bad thing). I am into PS3 gaming and stuff, and have felt on the "outer circle" of a small group I knew at school who have that same interest. Gradually the contact with them has become less and less though, and one of them only speaks to me once every few months (it has now been almost 6 months since I spoke to him). Because of my lack of confidence I always waited for him to initiate -- he is a bit of an introvert despite being NT, but now it feels impossible to just say "hi" or have a Skype chat and perhaps play a game. I drive myself mad by thinking "have I made it seem like I don't care by not initiating" but at the same time it feels like I don't want to annoy him or he'd rather be doing something else. Has anyone got any advice on this because it feels like a big weight on my shoulders?

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I can definitely relate to a lot of this... I have trouble maintaining friendships in particular, especially if things aren't consistent. For example, when I was in school it felt a little less awkward because I knew I would see each person on each particular day and in a certain lesson (it helped seeing them in person so often), etc, but now it feels almost impossible to keep a friendship going when most things are initiated through texting/online and whatnot.

Since I left school the more and more awkward it feels and a lot of the people I used to have a loose association with are pretty much gone from my life (not that that is always necessarily a bad thing). I am into PS3 gaming and stuff, and have felt on the "outer circle" of a small group I knew at school who have that same interest. Gradually the contact with them has become less and less though, and one of them only speaks to me once every few months (it has now been almost 6 months since I spoke to him). Because of my lack of confidence I always waited for him to initiate -- he is a bit of an introvert despite being NT, but now it feels impossible to just say "hi" or have a Skype chat and perhaps play a game. I drive myself mad by thinking "have I made it seem like I don't care by not initiating" but at the same time it feels like I don't want to annoy him or he'd rather be doing something else. Has anyone got any advice on this because it feels like a big weight on my shoulders?

I'm a girl NT. Contact him to see what he's been up to and say you haven't talked to him in a while. If someone doesn't contact me (especially 6 months) I'd figure they really weren't interested in any friendship/ relationship with me anymore. If he doesn't answer you, then at least you gave it a try. Maybe the friendship just needs a jump start.

 

[ayoungaspie]

I'm a girl NT. Contact him to see what he's been up to and say you haven't talked to him in a while. If someone doesn't contact me (especially 6 months) I'd figure they really weren't interested in any friendship/ relationship with me anymore. If he doesn't answer you, then at least you gave it a try. Maybe the friendship just needs a jump start.

Thanks for your suggestion. I understand what you mean by a "jump start", knowing when to do it is the problem though, it never feels "right" to just bite the bullet and send the message. It seems like I need to be tactful and do it at exactly the right time. Obviously I am over-analyzing all of this, but it is a brick wall I can't seem to break down with him and a couple of others too.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Thanks for your suggestion. I understand what you mean by a "jump start", knowing when to do it is the problem though, it never feels "right" to just bite the bullet and send the message. It seems like I need to be tactful and do it at exactly the right time. Obviously I am over-analyzing all of this, but it is a brick wall I can't seem to break down with him and a couple of others too.

It's been 6 months and you don't know his schedule yet, so you won't know when the right time is to contact him. As long as you send a text or email you're ok on timing because those ways if communication aren't expected to be answered all the time right away like a phone call.

This is why I have said on several of my posts how important it is not to go a long time between communications if they are NT because then the friendship falls apart with the NT thinking the friendship must not be that important to the other person. I'm speaking more of NT women because they rely heavily on communication. NT men are probably more lenient about how much time should pass between communications. But if you do send a text or email a couple times and you get no response then they might not be interested in keeping the friendship going. Since its been 6 months you're probably going to have to be the one to say something first. Sometimes I over analyze about doing something so I will just jump in and do the task at a spur of the moment time with no rehearsal or thought and whatever happens happens. It usually turns out ok and I didn't torture myself beforehand with thoughts of what I thought might happen - if that makes any sense. I also usually find that the other person in these circumstances is often glad to hear from you. Someone has to make the first move. It will depend on whether you really want this friendship or not - keeping a friendship or relationship going takes some work and sometimes you have to be the better person and take one for the team to keep it going - I just had to do that lately with a friend of mine who hadn't spoke to me for 3 months and we are back to talking like we used to be so I'm glad I made the first move and called.

 

[ayoungaspie]

Thanks so much for your input Grumpy Cat, it really helps to chat about it with someone who understands. I'm so glad to have found this place.

So I guess it just feels like I've caused a few loose friendships to not really develop because I never initiated the contact. I have always relied on them to initiate and I always feel good after they do so, but then I always "count" how long it has been since contacting them and when it becomes longer than before I get really anxious... but at the same time I am not confident enough to make the first move to keep things going.

This is really getting me down at the moment and makes me feel like giving up on friendships with NTs. Sometimes when I see how close people are (i.e. via Facebook or playing a game together) when I don't have as much of a friendship with them, it just makes me feel like I'm nowhere near interesting enough for anyone to treat me in the same way. I don't mean to sound like I'm looking for sympathy I just needed to get this off my chest.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

This is really getting me down at the moment and makes me feel like giving up on friendships with NTs.

Don't think of them as "NT's" just think of them as people. When you think of them as NT's I think it makes you think that you're inferior and that's not true. Try being around people with your same interests. I had tried this one knitting group and didn't like how the main woman treated me, but I liked some of the other women. I'm thinking of trying the group out again. Maybe me and the woman I didn't "click" with might get along better the next time, but if I don't try I will never know and I might meet someone else in the group I do like.

 

[Guendolen]

I have 2 friends real life which i am sure they are both aspies although not officially diagnosed. We share the same special interests which makes it awsome to interact with. I have read tons of books on how to make and maintain friendship with NT's but i have an 100% percentage failure so far. Either they get overwhelmed by my aspie habits (like being on headphones 12 hours a day or having meltdowns) or i get overstressed of all this trying to normalize myself and we part ways. My advice would be try to find open-minded, kind and super patient NT's to hang out with. Or try to interact with other aspies.