MAKING AND KEEPING FRIENDS WITH NT's

[Maelstrom]

if i could handle a relationship with another human being, he/she would have to go with me to places like the supermarket or just walking down the street. doing things together without talking too much, mostly in silence. we'd have to share the same interests, like i get alone better with other animals lovers.
i dont want small talk. i want to learn things. like when i asked my neighbor if he understands what the cats are saying when they talk, and he explained, and it was fascinating.

Well that rules me out as your next husband...Ha ha(sorry) Anyways I talk too much in public mostly about some, [oh so brilliant idea(self sarcasem)], in science or maybe a hidden trend in society. It is a bad habit that gets me in trouble. And I hate shopping going to town it creeps me out and makes me tired. But I do it if I need something.
love the cat icon is it a blue russian, I like blue russian cats, one sneaks into my yard once in a while, but is very shy.

 

[Maelstrom]

Thanks Mael, i'll try. Appreciate it. =)

Hi I remembered how I learned to friend people this morning when I got up, it was something that happened to me years ago. It's a little bit sad and I'm not sure if this thread hasn't been talked to death, didn't want to over do it... a lot of these survival skills sort of just evolve over time and are hard to explain to others as they are a sort of viceral thing.

 

[Kari Suttle]

Hi I remembered how I learned to friend people this morning when I got up, it was something that happened to me years ago. It's a little bit sad and I'm not sure if this thread hasn't been talked to death, didn't want to over do it... a lot of these survival skills sort of just evolve over time and are hard to explain to others as they are a sort of viceral thing.

Idk if its been talked to death either, but even if it has whatever. The only threads i try to not revive are ones that were situation-specific or are introduction threads. This goes for my own intro thread too - whenever it gets revived i try merely like someone's comment to show that i saw it and appreciate it without commenting again and taking up top of the forum space that actual new people could use. To my understanding, everything else is fine to revive or go on about especially generalized, topic-specific threads like this one. So in other words you're free to comment.

 

[Maelstrom]

sometimes i communicate through touch. so much easier than talking.

Hi Alien girl I use touch (carefully) to bond people to me. A hand shake, pat on arm or shoulder with joke, you know Ha ha that's funny little playful smack, or with a warm Hello, girls are harder as one can get into trouble if not careful, important to keep the touch delicate and non threatening, just two or three finger tips. A oh your hair is nice small touch, or that is a lovely fabric your dress is made of small touch in safe place, if really brave say oh that is a lovely watch light wrist touch, and then there's the french hand shake her hand resting on top of your's with thumb lightly touching fingers a risky but rewarding play as the length of time before she pulls hand away tells you if you are golden,(liked).

 

[Maelstrom]

[QUOTE="Kari Suttle, So in other words you're free to comment.[/QUOTE]

Okay hope you like it. So years ago my mother had a best friend in our church she was (now dead from cancer) a real sweetheart, a butterfly that fluttered around from person to person spreading warmth and cheerfulness. So one day I was watching how happy she made others feel, and I thought to myself there is some basic merit to this way of interacting with people even if it's not ones natural personality. It is nice to make people happy. So I tried to emulate her even tho it was kind of opposit of my stile. But I am no good at fake smiles and stuff I just end up looking like a evil clown when I flash my teeth. So some how I learned to put my mind into the moment make it real,( the friendliness). It is hard to explain but it goes like this. I walk up to someone at church, whatever and give them a warm hello. BUT in the emotional part of my mind it goes like this HELLO for this therty seconds you are my best friend and puppies and kittens are playing in the medow and the whole world is wonderful. And it works I feel all warm and they like it and are usualy warm back and happy to see me. And if I run into a crabby sourpuss the (after glow I feel) from my warm hello takes the edge off my dissapointment a little. But most people aren't rotten enough to withstand a charm assult on this level for long.
I hope you wont think I'm fake, it is real to me in the moment and sincere. And that's how I get friends.

 

[DogwoodTree]

I'm a kosher Sabbath christian or at least I try to be

Not many of this sort around. How long have you been keeping Sabbath, more or less? I went through a Messianic Judaism phase starting about 10 years ago, backed off from the extremity of it some about 4 or 5 years ago, but still observe the Sabbath (not to extreme levels or anything, I just don't work), avoid certain foods, and at least acknowledge the biblical holidays as they occur.

 

[Maelstrom]

Not many of this sort around. How long have you been keeping Sabbath, more or less? I went through a Messianic Judaism phase starting about 10 years ago, backed off from the extremity of it some about 4 or 5 years ago, but still observe the Sabbath (not to extreme levels or anything, I just don't work), avoid certain foods, and at least acknowledge the biblical holidays as they occur.

Hi whole life father was minister am from Seventh day Adventist church we get called a cult but really are branch from 7 day Baptists 1800s. Main thing different is we believe in careful common sense reading of bible and applications of Gods laws and health advice, rather than following men and non biblical traditions. We believe the worship covenant things changed at cross, just as it did from Abraham to Israel, however something similar to the leavite priest system may return on new earth look in ezekial. People often miss the new earth markers that is what causes confusion. Our kosher rules are more don't eat unclean(bad stuff) or it will make you sick..we don't go all crazy about one gnat or something. (no insult intended) On Sabbath, meant to be blessing learn to be like God, study, help poor, hungry, do something nice with family friends in Gods Nature etcetera... take a brake from chasing $ dollars. We do lords supper in place of passover mostly but Jewish holidays are nice to, a good way to remember bible and Abraham.
14 million strong world wide I think, adding 1/2 to 1 million a year, we keep low profile intentionally, allot of the aid work you see on tv is done by us ADRA for Redcross, UN others.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

i dont want small talk. i want to learn things. like when i asked my neighbor if he understands what the cats are saying when they talk, and he explained, and it was fascinating.

I'm confused. Isn't that small talk?

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Well that rules me out as your next husband...Ha ha(sorry) Anyways I talk too much in public mostly about some, [oh so brilliant idea(self sarcasem)], in science or maybe a hidden trend in society. It is a bad habit that gets me in trouble. And I hate shopping going to town it creeps me out and makes me tired. But I do it if I need something.
love the cat icon is it a blue russian, I like blue russian cats, one sneaks into my yard once in a while, but is very shy.

How do you do all of your grocery shopping? Amazon (possibly)? (I love Amazon! I miss Amazon. )

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Wish I could help Israel

I'M FOR ISRAEL TOO!!!!!!!!!

 

[wyverary]

The Israel/Palestine issue being fairly sensitive, I would advise moving away from the issue. Thanks.

 

[Maelstrom]

The Israel/Palestine issue being fairly sensitive, I would advise moving away from the issue. Thanks.

Sorry my fault noticed one of my favorite poster was from there and it got away from me. Forgot about other watchers. am new dumb will try to find and edit but is some thread hopping here.

 

[paloftoon]

Don't lie about your interests, but don't expect to have everything in common. As long as you have something in common, it will be easier to be compatible. Try to have a friend for this, and a friend for that. The level of communication that both of you are willing to accept is important too. People won't always explain what they look for even if they know because it's "socially courteous." If you're trying too hard, try to move on to other things. Try not to get frustrated. Easier said than done- especially when you have other (potential) friends who are advising you to not give up on them or said person.

 

[Spiller]

Why do NT's need so much reassurance that they're still friends? To my Aspie mind, I know my NT friend is still my friend and I assume he knows the same, even when I often don't see or hear from him for 1-2 weeks (he doesn't like texting and I can't use phones), this is then proven when I next see him.
I've read a lot of excellent opinions here and it occurs to me that Aspies relate to one another based on their compatibilities/interests and individual traits without needing to question the level/state of relationship, while NT's need the assurance that they are accepted by their peers.. with some crossover based on personality and maybe trace ASD traits.
My experience has always been that I'm not accepted by others and I don't have the ability to know how to be, so my relationship with my friend just seems logical to me.
I'm one of those that needs to socialise and I figure that it's a matter of meeting different people through common interests, say, and the nature of each relationship will make itself evident as the friendship progresses.. the tricky bit is the discomfort of too much obligation to too many people and the need for solitude; that'd of course be down to my particular.. Aspicicity.

 

[Maelstrom]

Why do NT's need so much reassurance that they're still friends?

Hi Spiller
That's why I don't hide my differences if you give them a heads up on the hermit tendencies they won't feel so much like they have offended you and you've turned your back on them. If you are careful they can get used to hiding mode, I call my best friend every week or two when in hermit mode. I am terrible on remembering to send cards and notes should work on that it seems to buy lots points, especially with the girls. I have no calendar in head at all, need to win lottery so I can have secretary do this stuff.
Am feeling poor had friends over for dinner, Afterwards Mom said don't talk about the, (Auspie thing), I said, (WHAT?), what difference does it make if I don't tell them I just get to be the weird guy, and I still lose. And why should I be embarrassed It's not like I chose my DNA. I love my mother but sometimes she makes me feel like she wants a refund from the stork.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Hi Spiller
That's why I don't hide my differences if you give them a heads up on the hermit tendencies they won't feel so much like they have offended you and you've turned your back on them. If you are careful they can get used to hiding mode, I call my best friend every week or two when in hermit mode. I am terrible on remembering to send cards and notes should work on that it seems to buy lots points, especially with the girls. I have no calendar in head at all, need to win lottery so I can have secretary do this stuff.
Am feeling poor had friends over for dinner, Afterwards Mom said don't talk about the, (Auspie thing), I said, (WHAT?), what difference does it make if I don't tell them I just get to be the weird guy, and I still lose. And why should I be embarrassed It's not like I chose my DNA. I love my mother but sometimes she makes me feel like she wants a refund from the stork.

I can't tell you how much of a difference it makes knowing an Aspie is an Aspie from an NT point of view. We think totally different. If someone needs time to themselves, I'm ok with that but I have to know at the same time that I didn't do something wrong and that's the reason they don't want to spend time with me. And like I said in another thread, guys are different in their friendships with other guys - they don't need to keep in contact a whole lot, but NT women do need more contact in all of their friendships whether if it's with a man or woman.

 

[Suiseiseki]

Oddly I find AS people weird and I don't much talk to them, don't really have any friends who are AS or really any contact with them apart from this here forum.
So it feels like I am the only one who exists.

 

[paloftoon]

I want to also add that it's okay to get along with a person later on and not presently, NT or not. Just remember, they have to somehow earn your trust mainly. Don't settle (too much), but don't shut the door either.

 

[Daniel Olson]

I believe that you should always be honest with them (unless it hurts their feelings). Keeping promises is a key way to have NT friends. Another thing is to have a few common interests, of course (I bet many know that already). My other thing to say is that you shouldn't annoy them constantly; maybe ask them to do something, I dunno, maybe once a week (but no more than that). If they have nothing planned on the day they want to do something, you may proceed to get times to meet them (still, do not overdo it).

 

[Grumpy Cat]

I believe that you should always be honest with them (unless it hurts their feelings). Keeping promises is a key way to have NT friends. Another thing is to have a few common interests, of course (I bet many know that already). My other thing to say is that you shouldn't annoy them constantly; maybe ask them to do something, I dunno, maybe once a week (but no more than that). If they have nothing planned on the day they want to do something, you may proceed to get times to meet them (still, do not overdo it).

I thought it was the other way around - NT's shouldn't bother Aspies very much. I'm confused.