Me against the world.

[Metalhead]

A good friend is helping me rent a uHaul for a day, since I don’t drive. I have a couple of associates in 12 stepping that agreed to help with the heavy lifting in exchange for pizza.

And yeah, I now totally recognize that this is one area where I am a lot better off than so many other people these days. Forgetting what I have to be grateful for starts these threads for me.

 

[unperson]

Amazing.

 

[Aspychata]

A lot of us here derail when faced with a major life change such as moving, relationship change, job thing. We bring up the most horrible thing or insecurity we have and tear a new piehole. This keeps us numb to the major change we are going thru. Because to focus on the here and now has to much unknown. We are just plain bad at unknowns.

 

[Metalhead]

A lot of us here derail when faced with a major life change such as moving, relationship change, job thing. We bring up the most horrible thing or insecurity we have and tear a new piehole. This keeps us numb to the major change we are going thru. Because to focus on the here and now has to much unknown. We are just plain bad at unknowns.

I think you may be onto something here. Either I am bringing up stuff that happened more than two decades ago to mull about on my mind, or I am mentally making mountains out of molehills with my mind.

In any case, I will be talking with my therapist about all of this this Thursday afternoon. Until then, I will continue to avoid alcohol, keeping my dry January going until well into February, as a six pack of beer probably will not help me much now.

 

[WolfSpirit]

Your family is wrong.

Something I read a couple days ago: "I have a place in this world. The fact that I am here is proof of that." by Bridget Allan. in What Every Autistic Girl Wishes Her Parents Knew. (pg. 29). I hadn't thought about it in this way before, but she's right.

Even if we haven't found that place yet, or found the way in which we contribute positively to the world, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. You might just not have gotten there yet. For me, it wasn't until I joined here, and discovered I had stuff to say that was helpful to others here that I finally realized that my first autism specialist was right all those times she tried over and over and over to convince me that I have a valuable contribution to make to the world and society. Finally, all my horrible experiences have started to feel like there was a purpose for it all. It wasn't just a bunch of crap that happened because the world is hostile, intolerant and stupid. (though it's that too). Maybe it was so I could pass on what I learned during it all, so that other people don't have to struggle as hard through similar crap.

And yes, I know all too well what it's like to have all sorts of self-condemning thoughts and beliefs, (what I've taken to calling "NT brainwashing") rampaging through one's mind and being, and not being able to control it, even when you no longer believe any of it. It's frustrating, among other things. Also overwhelming. What helped me most was having the above mentioned autism specialist (also an eternal optimist) constantly reassuring me that none of that crap was true, and that not only was I okay as a person, but that I had a place in, and a contribution to make to the world. Eventually, I took to writing down the most powerful things she said; the ones I needed to remember most when I was too overwhelmed by emotions and NT brainwashing and catastrophizing, etc. to be able to think straight, and remember her wisdom. I keep a lot of this stuff, to this day, on display where I can see it. (some of which because I've never bothered to erase it from the whiteboard it's on, and some of it I pull out when necessary.) index cards are wonderful for that. A bulletin board or two helps too. (of whatever size works best for you). I also surround myself with other positive/inspirational sayings so they can randomly catch my eye at various moments throughout my day.

Oh, and one other thing. Yes. I can totally relate to wishing one could escape into unconsciousness for prolonged periods (days, weeks, whatever), and avoid all the problems being awake causes. Never mind the whole 'having to deal with the world' part. Especially when one's own family are ... dysfunctional. and/or not supportive. (and yes, there's much self-editing there. I trust you can fill in stronger terms.)

 

[WolfSpirit]

Not going to lie here. These are depressing times. People are having a hard time coping with the pandemic. It is shoving our face more with doom and gloom. Some how, you need to find small things to propel you forward and stay afloat. If you think you are seriously depressed, get some meds and then taper off. Do you cycle thru depressive modes? Sometimes keeping a daily journal helps with analysing feelings and stepping back and being more objective and holding yourself emotionally accountable. The tough thing about adulting is taking responsibilty. I would rather have my own pity party. But l force myself to deal with my crap, because somehow l get life points in the game of frikken life. The thing that kicked my butt is that nobody is going to clean up my life except me. We do control our thoughts not the other way around. l believe you have a lot of supporters here. Keeping being you.

. Believe it or not, dealing with one's own crap leads to much better outcomes long term than allowing it to overwhelm you, and let the world drag you around at the end of a leash, however and whenever it wants to. I know that it can feel worse, initially to deal with one's crap directly, rather than avoiding it, but life get so much better when we address the causes of our problems, and do what we can to resolve things, and/or prevent them from happening again I say this after 30 years of tackling my issues head on, and finding myself somehow, miraculously with a life I could've never imagined in a thousand years. This kind of peace, and happiness, and self-acceptance ... it's indescribable. Yes, I'm dealing with COVID issues, and having fallout from stress related fatigue issues, but... I don't see them as reflections of my value as a person or... my competence, or crap like that... and the psychological parts do pass a lot easier and faster than they used to.

Finally, I am being compared favorably to my non-autistic older brothers, and it's being recognized that I've actually got my sh** together a lot more than them, or mom have. And it's because I've worked at it. I've focused on that for a long time.

We don't do it in order to 'get points at life', we do it in order to be able to live more peacefully with ourselves, and be happier with the lives we find ourselves with.

I'm flaking out here, or I'd say more, but suffice it to say, neither me, nor anybody who knew me years ago (high school, or even mid twenties. probably even early 30s) could've ever expected that my life would turn out this well! It's really quite mindblowing. Even knowing, more or less, how I got here, I still find myself wondering, a lot, "how the hell did I get here?!" And I'm not the only one.

 

[WolfSpirit]

I was told quite a few times by my mother that I was supposed to be a miscarriage and that I was not supposed to be born at all to begin with.

Okay, that's just cruel. Particularly since she seems to mean it in a mean way, not a 'you're a miracle, I'm glad you're here' way that some people might mean it. I've heard a similar story from a friend I had years ago, and despite the fact that one of my default beliefs is "never underestimate the depravity of human beings", it still blows my mind that people can be that deliberately cruel. (and the psychological war zone I grew up in was quite intense too.)

 

[WolfSpirit]

I think this forum and the world in general just might be a better place without me in it.

Absolutely not!! And I don't even really know you! (I've only ready a few of your posts.)

 

[WolfSpirit]

Logically, I know this is merely paranoia and delusion. Emotionally, it becomes overwhelming and powerful. Every time I slightly displease somebody, I start to feel like that person wants me to die, and I start to crumble. I have been displeasing a lot of people in my life, and I do not give myself a statute of limitations.

All I can say is that sometimes, especially when there is no one else available, we have to learn to 'reparent' ourselves. We have to learn to give ourselves the caring and safeguarding and validation we've never gotten from the people who were supposed to give it to us when we were most dependent and helpless. For me, that largely meant using fictional characters in my imagination to be imagined caregivers. Or, prior to that, sometimes ones I just made up. (yeah, I know, a difficult concept for some of us on the spectrum). For me, it stemmed from what my emotional needs were and what I wished for most, that weren't happening in the real world.

 

[WolfSpirit]

I think you may be onto something here. Either I am bringing up stuff that happened more than two decades ago to mull about on my mind, or I am mentally making mountains out of molehills with my mind.

In any case, I will be talking with my therapist about all of this this Thursday afternoon. Until then, I will continue to avoid alcohol, keeping my dry January going until well into February, as a six pack of beer probably will not help me much now.

Sounds like depression to me. I know I have a hard time not ruminating on crap when I'm already overwhelmed by things. Or, as has been demonstrated repeatedly this last year, when I've reached a certain point of exhaustion. . Even when I know better, and know that the crap running through my mind is not useful, or is counterproductive etc. I'm better at derailing such thoughts than I used to be, but it can still be difficult. Sometimes a mental stop sign, or just telling myself "stop" helps. I get tired of hearing myself cycle through the same unhelpful thoughts! Focusing on something like my music (which is almost always playing, unless the tv is on) tends to help me. It does take practice though. Also, my autism specialist (also a psychologist) has recommending various types of grounding exercises to me when I get overtaken by such thoughts or emotions. Sometimes those are useful too, but a lot of the traditional physical type ones I find triggering because of my crappy proprioception, so I've realized I use other ones.

She recommended Russ Harris's stuff to me.
The HappinessTrap.com
ImLearningACT.com
https://www.actmindfully.com.au/free-stuff/free-audio/?_
(there's a bit of a "I'm not a robot" verification thingy to get to this last one, but it does work, in the end)

 

[Aspychata]

. Believe it or not, dealing with one's own crap leads to much better outcomes long term than allowing it to overwhelm you, and let the world drag you around at the end of a leash, however and whenever it wants to. I know that it can feel worse, initially to deal with one's crap directly, rather than avoiding it, but life get so much better when we address the causes of our problems, and do what we can to resolve things, and/or prevent them from happening again I say this after 30 years of tackling my issues head on, and finding myself somehow, miraculously with a life I could've never imagined in a thousand years. This kind of peace, and happiness, and self-acceptance ... it's indescribable. Yes, I'm dealing with COVID issues, and having fallout from stress related fatigue issues, but... I don't see them as reflections of my value as a person or... my competence, or crap like that... and the psychological parts do pass a lot easier and faster than they used to.

Finally, I am being compared favorably to my non-autistic older brothers, and it's being recognized that I've actually got my sh** together a lot more than them, or mom have. And it's because I've worked at it. I've focused on that for a long time.

We don't do it in order to 'get points at life', we do it in order to be able to live more peacefully with ourselves, and be happier with the lives we find ourselves with.

I'm flaking out here, or I'd say more, but suffice it to say, neither me, nor anybody who knew me years ago (high school, or even mid twenties. probably even early 30s) could've ever expected that my life would turn out this well! It's really quite mindblowing. Even knowing, more or less, how I got here, I still find myself wondering, a lot, "how the hell did I get here?!" And I'm not the only one.

When l say life points, the po is a gamer and a lots of games award you more points to stay alive. So l was clickbaiting him. lol

 

[WolfSpirit]

When l say life points, the po is a gamer and a lots of games award you more points to stay alive. So l was clickbaiting him. lol

Ahh... 'life points' AKA 'Health Points" or whatever you want to call them. Got it. "clickbaiting", sorry, you lost me. (also "po")

 

[Wolfsage]

Ahh... 'life points' AKA 'Health Points" or whatever you want to call them. Got it. "clickbaiting", sorry, you lost me. (also "po")

It's time tooo.. due...due...due...Duel!!

 

[Wolfgangus Faldestolius]

When I'm exasperated I get a kick out of noticing I'm here in the mornings and can wake up. If I can make a pot of tea that's a bonus already.

I'll have things to look back at when things around me fall totally apart.

Yes I went through despair-making muddles, tens of years on the trot (I had diversions). My brain is a good friend.