Meetup.com needs to be banned.

[Tony Ramirez]

Really? That’s cool! Which countries’ histories are you most interested in? I love libraries!!! Do you check out books from the library? What are your favorite TV shows and movies and music?

These things that you do, of all of them what are you most interested in and would like to talk about with other people? Specifically which topics?

Asian countries, China and Japan.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

Tony,

As an member of several meetup groups myself, including several centered around autism and/or neurodiversity, I found your post and title to be rather hurtful.

It seems like you may have misunderstood how groups work, and so I'll provide a bit of an explanation in case you or anyone else reading this thread may find it useful.

As Rodafina noted, meetup groups generally center around some sort of interest or activity.

In this case, for the group you mentioned, per their "about" page, they are a group centered around hiking, walking, and cycling in NY, NJ and CT.

It's a free public group (anyone can join, no costs to members or application needed), and a relatively large one, with several thousand members.

For today's event, it's described as a walk and talk. This is a pretty common type of meetup event - where folks meet at a given place to walk a predefined route. Participants can chat if they'd like, but there's no obligation to do so.

As is typical for large public groups, there were a large number of participants signed up (in the 70s), including both participants and their plus-one's.

This event happened to have a high ratio of first-timers, making up about 60% of the participants.

In such large groups, it's quite normal that the activity leaders would be focused on leading the event, and won't have the opportunity to get to talk to everyone.

With smaller groups (e.g. 10 or fewer) you'll be much more likely to see the group leaders, be they organizers or regulars, engage with new members.

But unless the objective is clearly stated as social in nature, and it's also stated that the organizers and/or regulars will actively engage with new members, I think it's unfair to expect that other participants would be actively initiating and be engaging in conversation with you.

As for your near-slip, and feeling ignored - why do you feel ignored? Should someone have said or done something? It seems like you're okay, and that's good. For someone to say something may have drawn attention to that and been potentially embarrassing, in which case not saying anything and moving on may be normal, especially if it was a one-off. If someone had multiple near-slips, then yes, I could see that being a situation where someone may express concern.

As for your statement about crossing an interstate, the walking route passes near an entrance for an interstate, but doesn't pass through one.

Route map provided:
141-99-141-75 Barclay Ave to St. Michael's Roman Catholic Church

Perhaps you saw signs indicating there was an interstate entrance nearby and thought you were on or crossing an interstate itself?

In any case, one should always take caution when crossing a road, even at a marked crosswalk and even if you have a green light. There's generally safety in numbers as well. From the way you described things, it sounds like you may have crossed on your own for some reason?


In any case, I'm sorry that you're upset, but it seems that this was in part due to some misunderstandings.

I noticed that you often mention feeling excluded in a variety of events and settings. I would suggest you see if your friend could join you for some events as an observer. They might be able to identify ways you may be able to better communicate with others, situations where you might have misunderstood things, and/or if there are things that you inadvertently say or do (including body language) which may be impacting how others approach (or don't approach) you.

Excellent post.

You have cleary explained some key factors in participating in Meetup groups.

It should be pointed out that Meetup groups serve a function for many people and condemning an entire very large group of people based on one person's single experience is not the act of a balanced person.

When one has had a bad experience, it is important to process it, but without lashing out at others.

I know I've said this before, but gratitude is an important practice in overcoming bad experiences. Gratitude allows one to see the positive and what one can learn from even bad experiences.

 

[velociraptor]

Almost if it was not for the pastor and my pregnant friend from Hope Community Church calming me down on the phone while everyone else outside looked at me and did not one damn thing to help me.

I think your expectations may be too high. You seem to require some substantial supports while on public outings and you're not going to get that from strangers, especially those with autism. I have enough trouble keeping my own ducks in a row when I'm on an outing. I am simply not going to be able to do much for someone else who is nearing a meltdown or in the process of one. That's not me being uncaring, it's me being aware of my limits and not going beyond them.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

yeah i'm also a broken record on this, but i like to think that Tony's problems go beyond autism, his parents or family definetley failed him, messed him up mentally/emotionally, either abused him physically or verbally throughout his life, family dysfunction that contributed to his mental/emotional wreck, state of mind.

 

[velociraptor]

but i like to think that Tony's problems go beyond autism, his parents or family definetley failed him, messed him up mentally/emotionally, either abused him physically or verbally throughout his life, family dysfunction that contributed to his mental/emotional wreck, state of mind.

I was badly sexually abused over a number of years as a kid. Developed substance abuse problems as a teen. Not only an Aspie but was also diagnosed with schizophrenia. Add a bad heart and a spinal injury to the pile. Thing is, no one else cares that much about my problems. If I wanted to have a life I had to figure out how to climb over the problem pile on my own because it seems like most of us are our own best self-help programs. I have learned resilience in the process, and can deal with most bad social and work situations by tossing someone a fxxx you look and ploughing ahead.

At some point you just gotta own that and bust through that roadblock.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

I was badly sexually abused over a number of years as a kid. Developed substance abuse problems as a teen. Not only an Aspie but was also diagnosed with schizophrenia. Add a bad heart and a spinal injury to the pile. Thing is, no one else cares that much about my problems. If I wanted to have a life I had to figure out how to climb over the problem pile on my own because it seems like most of us are our own best self-help programs. I have learned resilience in the process, and can deal with most bad social and work situations by tossing someone a fxxx you look and ploughing ahead.

At some point you just gotta own that and bust through that roadblock.

and Tony has never owned up to it, but i'm glad he is going to therapy sessions, but yeah seriously, his mental/emotional health is really damaged

 

[velociraptor]

i'm glad he is going to therapy sessions

I'm a big fan of therapy as it gives you tools you can use to solve problems every day of the rest of your life.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Well I ended up having a nervous breakdown in the street yesterday because of thinking of what happened. All I wanted was travel buddies to do things with and seeing them outside made me snap. I screamed that in the middle of the freeway.

Never made it to church to their grand opening. My friend got me out. My parents are disappointed. My life is worse.

 

[Judge]

Or at least come with a warning to not let disability people to use it.

That might be a violation of the ADA (American Disabilities Act):

"(a) No qualified individual with a disability shall, on the basis of disability, be excluded from participation in or be denied the benefits of the services, programs, or activities of a public entity, or be subjected to discrimination by any public entity."

Though if defined as a "social club" it may be legally immune from such legislation.
_______________________________________________________________________________

Either way, don't expect much. Part of the social realities of existing in an NT world.

Never to expect them to automatically acknowledge neurological differences. In most circumstances, they would never even consider such a thing. After all, statistically we account for little more than two percent of the population.

* There are a very few who will want to understand us and succeed.
* There are a few more who want to understand us, but fail.

* Leaving the vast majority to be indifferent towards us unless in some way their lives are touched by someone with autism. Otherwise likely resulting in expectations or demands that we conform to their standards, as the overwhelming majority that they are.

In essence, they owe us nothing more.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

So 2% it's okay to be treated like crap with an invisible disability that only shows when I open my mouth. No wonder many of us, especially the men I think become bitter lonely antisocial suicidal. We try and this is what happens.

 

[Misty Avich]

There are some minority groups that everyone is forced to know about and tolerate. Why can't the autistic community be one of them?

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Well I ended up having a nervous breakdown in the street yesterday because of thinking of what happened. All I wanted was travel buddies to do things with and seeing them outside made me snap. I screamed that in the middle of the freeway.

Never made it to church to their grand opening. My friend got me out. My parents are disappointed. My life is worse.

yeah, i'm also a broken record on this, but cases like Tony really anger me and depress me, because even men who have a much better attitude that Tony does, are not a mental/emotional wreck like he is, still have a higher rate than women do at being forever alone/single.

 

[Tony Ramirez]

Some women here mentioned she meet her boyfriend on a dating app here. I lost it after. Let's just say with the state of being ostracized by women who are not married or boomers, laughed at in public which is happening now then being put down by my parents. I ended up in the hospital that Sunday reading that snapping.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

Some women here mentioned she meet her boyfriend on a dating app here. I lost it after. Let's just say with the state of being ostracized by women who are not married or boomers, laughed at in public which is happening now then being put down by my parents. I ended up in the hospital that Sunday reading that snapping.

i know Tony has mentioned snapping at couples in public, while i have never done that, i have kind of done so on social media, if a woman is showing off her BF/fiance/husband on social media, i make a sarcastic comment on her page by saying "I bet he he was the one who hit on you".

 

[Misty Avich]

i know Tony has mentioned snapping at couples in public, while i have never done that, i have kind of done so on social media, if a woman is showing off her BF/fiance/husband on social media, i make a sarcastic comment on her page by saying "I bet he he was the one who hit on you".

I remember when I was about 19 I snapped at my cousin on MSN chat because he'd said in his status that he'd gone clubbing and I got angry with myself because he'd never been clubbing before and I hated being the only one in my family never to have been clubbing nor to have decent friends to do that kind of stuff with.
It was the worst thing I'd ever done to someone, as it wasn't in my nature to just lash out verbally at someone and swear at them. But I just felt out of control and angry and hated being myself.
Luckily he forgave me after I'd apologised and I'm hoping he forgot about it or just laughs about it now.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

I remember when I was about 19 I snapped at my cousin on MSN chat because he'd said in his status that he'd gone clubbing and I got angry with myself because he'd never been clubbing before and I hated being the only one in my family never to have been clubbing nor to have decent friends to do that kind of stuff with.
It was the worst thing I'd ever done to someone, as it wasn't in my nature to just lash out verbally at someone and swear at them. But I just felt out of control and angry and hated being myself.
Luckily he forgave me after I'd apologised and I'm hoping he forgot about it or just laughs about it now.

yeah i sometimes make that sarcastic comment towards women who show off their significant other, which yes i know i'm a broken record on, referring to my lifelong hatred/resentment of men always having to be the ones to make the first move and ask the woman out, take the god damn lead, be the initiators, i know i'm not alone in thinking this way, me and lots of men have the mindset that men have to do all the work and effort in order for a relationship to happen or start.

But i'm sure men will always be stuck with that role/expectation whether they like it or not.

 

[Rodafina]

@Steelbookcollector217 and @Tony Ramirez

Taking your own pain, frustration, and resentment out on women by making unkind comments because she mentions her boyfriend is a very unhealthy thing to do. This kind of behavior will contribute to women wanting nothing to do with you.

If you want to ever be in a relationship, you must stop talking about women in such a terrible way. Your own actions are what prevent you from getting what you want at this point.

Stop blaming women.

 

[Steelbookcollector217]

@Steelbookcollector217 and @Tony Ramirez

Taking your own pain, frustration, and resentment out on women by making unkind comments because she mentions her boyfriend is a very unhealthy thing to do. This kind of behavior will contribute to women wanting nothing to do with you.

If you want to ever be in a relationship, you must stop talking about women in such a terrible way. Your own actions are what prevent you from getting what you want at this point.

Stop blaming women.

well in my perspective, not really blaming them, not saying its their fault, its easy to envy and resent the social advantages they have over men, and what they expect of us men, and i know i'm right about this, even men who have a better attitude than me and Tony do, or the complete oppossite attitude of me and tony, are still at a higher rate or risk than women are at being forever alone/chronically single.

Sometimes i like to think, which i have said over the years, women are the only gender that are owed a relationship since naturally by default they always have offers, have suitors, men normally never have suitors or women coming onto them, making passes at them.

And i mostly envy young couples, especially teen and early 20s couples, 20-something couples, because its a reminder that, not everyone gets to date or have relationships in their youth, younger years, innocent years.

 

[Rodafina]

well in my perspective, not really blaming them, not saying its their fault, its easy to envy and resent the social advantages they have over men, and what they expect of us men, and i know i'm right about this, even men who have a better attitude than me and Tony do, or the complete oppossite attitude of me and tony, are still at a higher rate or risk than women are at being forever alone/chronically single.

Sometimes i like to think, which i have said over the years, women are the only gender that are owed a relationship since naturally by default they always have offers, have suitors, men normally never have suitors or women coming onto them, making passes at them.

And i mostly envy young couples, especially teen and early 20s couples, 20-something couples, because its a reminder that, not everyone gets to date or have relationships in their youth, younger years, innocent years.

This is a description of your pain and frustration that you could appropriately discuss with a therapist.

Turning your pain and frustration into rude or unkind comments toward women is not an acceptable outlet for your feelings.

That behavior will also rightly prevent most women from wanting to interact with you.

 

[velociraptor]

if a woman is showing off her BF/fiance/husband on social media, i make a sarcastic comment on her page

This is very poor behaviour. If someone is happy to have found a mate, let them celebrate it. Life is hard for most and it is important to allow people to enjoy their wins because there are just not enough of them. I am sorry that you are frustrated by going without, but the sort of toxic behaviour you are exhibiting shows the signs of becoming a nasty positive feedback loop. You'll become so unpleasant to be around that everyone will avoid you, not just the ladies.

I suggest getting a copy of Uncle John's Bathroom Reader, a nice cuppa, and trying to push the frustration to the other side of your head for a bit. You'll feel better for it.