Mother's day card dilemma.....

[Aspychata]

First of all, a pretty blank card might be in order, or possibly a home made one where you get to decide what to say.
Another approach may be a home cooked meal, possibly dropped off so interaction could be kept to a minimum.
"Think a lot of people are afraid to talk about their mother. People that had normal moms, can't relate to others that have no idea what a mother is."
Yes we can and do understand that you were unhappy with yours, so please stop trying to think for us.
Or they are taking the higher road and letting what happened in the past stay in the rear view mirror instead of digging up bones. Please keep in mind that negative thoughts are an extremely prolific breeder and dig the fastest holes of despair.

All I see is the thread being turned towards negative thoughts from some, not positive input. Placating me for the loss of mine does nothing but highlight your dislike of yours.

You claim to not lose touch with yours, yet you are open to discussing hatred of moms that didn't cut the mustard while pushing away those members who still care about theirs.


It appears to me that once again, you have engaged your readers, yet have made the conversation exclusive to members who have positive thoughts about their own mothers.

Sorry l sounded judgemental.
Actually l put post positive messages at the end of my intro post.
Sometimes we have to hammer out the negative thoughts so that we can move to heal. I have put my thoughts in the deep freeze for so long and wasn't in touch with myself. So by expressing negative and positive feelings then we let go of them and heal.

My mom wants me to meet up with my ex because she thinks he is the perfect guy. So she is mad at me about that. So l dropped my mother's day stuff off, made it clear l was seeing someone and she gave me that l am unhappy that you won't meet with your Ex. So it puts a strain on my relationship with her. We have an extremely complicated relationship going back to my stepfather and me being blamed because of his actions. So the ex situation just made it worse.

Some people do have complicated relationships with mom. Love and hate. At this forum. These are all valid feelings. I don't have unicorn feelings. Sometimes l have kimchi feelings.

Forum peeps know l enjoy their contributions and insights and their feelings about what their relationships are with their moms. Some people have great moms and it's nice to be reminded of this.

At the end of the day, l wish l was the one buying the you're the best mother ever card, and l wish she had been my best friend. So people like me struggle with self-blame, guilt and shame of not being good enough for "mom" love. But l am starting realize it may not be my fault.

 

[Aspychata]

I was so stressed about seeing my mom, l left the cute card in my purse. Lol

 

[Nitro]

If you recall, I did offer the option of being the bigger person and moving forward.
That pretty much covered your intentions no matter how you went about it.

On another note, thanks for the detailed explanation to me about what kimchi feelings were

 

[GrownupGirl]

I wonder what Mother's and Father's Day cards made for people who actually hate their mothers and fathers would be like? I'd bet they would be pretty sick cards. And not "sick" as in "cool", but "sick" as in "the card should come with a free barf bag" Or they'd just have really, *really* dark humor.

Of course, I love my mother, and I've really appreciated all the help she's given me during the pandemic, like helping me get groceries and giving me a couple of her hand-made masks and sending me some of her home cooking since we haven't been able to go eat out like we used to.

 

[Giraffes]

This is a hard one for me, my Mum had severe depression throughout my childhood and i was a shy and lonely girl who lacked friends and confidence i became ,and prehaps was conditioned to "look after her' (i remember on numerous occasions as a young teen being kept off school to go with her for her 'shock treatment' sessions in London,) she prehaps due to her religious beliefs stayed married to my Dad till we were all 18 years old even though he was a controlling individual,i remember once asking her why she was often sad and she replied "not to worry she looked forward to heaven as living was terrible' As a grown women i told her that as a child i deserved a childhood, and she said she'd done the best she could, i believe that was true she loved me and i think prehaps also had Autism and she certainly found life and being positive hard. My Mum is dead but if she wasn't i'd buy her favourite flowers and the card would say 'Happy Mother's Day' from your loving daughter, parenting doesn't come with a rule book and for me re- thinking what 'could have' 'should have' been is counter productive.

 

[Nitro]

This is a hard one for me, my Mum had severe depression throughout my childhood and i was a shy and lonely girl who lacked friends and confidence i became ,and prehaps was conditioned to "look after her' (i remember on numerous occasions as a young teen being kept off school to go with her for her 'shock treatment' sessions in London,) she prehaps due to her religious beliefs stayed married to my Dad till we were all 18 years old even though he was a controlling individual,i remember once asking her why she was often sad and she replied "not to worry she looked forward to heaven as living was terrible' As a grown women i told her that as a child i deserved a childhood, and she said she'd done the best she could, i believe that was true she loved me and i think prehaps also had Autism and she certainly found life and being positive hard. My Mum is dead but if she wasn't i'd buy her favourite flowers and the card would say 'Happy Mother's Day' from your loving daughter, parenting doesn't come with a rule book and for me re- thinking what 'could have' 'should have' been is counter productive.

My mom suffered from deep clinical depression from when I was about 13 onward until I up and left after graduation.
Because as children, we didn't understand it, we basically called her the sleeping bag because of how much time she spent in bed suffering from it.
She eventually got it straightened out after they found the right meds and went on to build a nice career working for the Federal Government.
Some day, I might share with this group what a PTA dinner was, as it was served six nights out of the week for many years. It was horrible enough that I refused to eat tuna again until I was nearly 35 if that gives you a hint
They were tough times as I recall, but that never stopped me from caring for her as a mom.

After they are gone, you don't ever get a second chance to make any changes

 

[Aspychata]

I wonder what Mother's and Father's Day cards made for people who actually hate their mothers and fathers would be like? I'd bet they would be pretty sick cards. And not "sick" as in "cool", but "sick" as in "the card should come with a free barf bag" Or they'd just have really, *really* dark humor.

Of course, I love my mother, and I've really appreciated all the help she's given me during the pandemic, like helping me get groceries and giving me a couple of her hand-made masks and sending me some of her home cooking since we haven't been able to go eat out like we used to.

Thanks for that thought. The things you can't say to mom and dad brought to you by Foulmark instead of Hallmark.

Foulmark, Hallmark's twisted cousin.

 

[Aspychata]

My mom suffered from deep clinical depression from when I was about 13 onward until I up and left after graduation.
Because as children, we didn't understand it, we basically called her the sleeping bag because of how much time she spent in bed suffering from it.
She eventually got it straightened out after they found the right meds and went on to build a nice career working for the Federal Government.
Some day, I might share with this group what a PTA dinner was, as it was served six nights out of the week for many years. It was horrible enough that I refused to eat tuna again until I was nearly 35 if that gives you a hint
They were tough times as I recall, but that never stopped me from caring for her as a mom.

After they are gone, you don't ever get a second chance to make any changes

Very surprised how many people suffer from depression. It really affects quality of life for many people.

Tuna trauma- that's serious.
But in Korea town/LA, you can buy tuna jacked up with chili sauce in a can. It is so good.

Thanks Nitro for sharing about your mother. It's tough to navigate with zero parent advice or guidance as a young adult.

 

[Fino]

I have always bought blank cards and written my own messages, because it always seemed silly to me to use other people's messages, which was when I did get a card. I typically don't get a card. And my mom was not the best. She was always more like a roommate than a mom, which left me rather hungry a lot of the time, as a child. And she doesn't believe in medicine, which left me to suffer for many years from various problems. Any time issues were discussed that involved her, such as from a therapist, she would freeze up or start crying, refusing to admit any fault for anything. I used to be angry with her often, but I've learned about how she was raised, which was worse, including her mom committing suicide, so for that and other reasons I've forgiven her.

And I have always bought something for her, sometimes a card. I always managed to muster up gratitude for the things she did do, such as provide shelter and enough food to not starve. That was actually a discussion on this forum once, some people believing we should be grateful for the little our parents did do and some believing that parents are obligated to do much more and are not owed gratitude for less. I believe that everyone does the best they can and we should be grateful for that.

But, very important to point out, none of that means I have an opinion on what you, Aspychata, should do or feel towards your mother. When people tell you to suck it up, they're being insensitive, narrow-minded, and they're projecting. This is a very common form of projection. People believe that if they do something, others should therefore be able to do the same. It's why many have a problem with welfare programs. But they're massively oversimplifying the issue. We don't know the feelings, events, anything at all, etc. involved in your particular situation and to issue advice as if we do is prideful and misguided. I understand their intention is to help, and my intention isn't to shame them. My only intention is to acknowledge to Asypsychata, you have the right to any feelings you have about anything and if where you are at in your life is to complain bitterly about something, then that's a certainly fine thing to do that I know I've done countless times. Sometimes these sorts of things are self-defeating and overly negative, but sometimes they're healing. Freedom and guiltlessness is important though.

 

[onlything]

I never send a card. These obligatory pieces of paper aren't really a thing in our family (unless they're the joking cards with 'obligatory signed piece of paper for your birthday' text). If I am close enough, I will bring flowers (gerberas) or her favourite chocolates (mint). If I'm too far for that, I will call... Which sometimes can be more costly than flowers when I think for how long she likes to talk... Heh.

The relationship with my mother is complicated but, well, she's my mother. I may not be able to trust her, ever, but I still love her. And I know, in a way, she did her best taking care of me but she fell back into major depression soon after my birth and since she never came out of it, she wasn't the most stable of parents.

At the end of the day, it's your choice only. Only you know what kind of relationship you had. Just because someone birthed you doesn't mean that they deserve your love or attention. It's your choice if and what kind of you wish to give. We always end up blaming ourselves when a parent doesn't seem to be there for us. I blamed myself for my mother's depression, misery and aggression which led me to blaming myself for all the toxic atmosphere at home. I still do, at times. But the blame doesn't lie on the child, ever. Every adult has a responsibility towards their life and making it bearable and as happy as possible. I am responsible for my life. You are responsible for yours. But a child holds no responsibility.

Very little to do with you being a better person, much more with your state of mind and feelings. What do you want to do? Will you regret it? Regret is one of the saddest, most hopeless of feelings, especially when connected with grief. Easier to make decisions that allow you to avoid it.

My final decision is always to do or try than not to. I prefer to have the knowledge that I did my best and failed than think of what could have been.

But everyone is different and decision lies with you.

 

[Nitro]

But everyone is different and decision lies with you.

Yeah, I pretty much covered all of that in post #10

 

[Aspychata]

Think what's really important is that everyone is talking about moms. That we walk on different paths. Some have to climb Mt Fuji, others just cross the street in regards to their mother.

 

[Judge]

Think what's really important is that everyone is talking about moms. That we walk on different paths. Some have to climb Mt Fuji, others just cross the street in regards to their mother.

And for others, we lost our mothers years ago. I remained close to my mother for my entire life. Spent her last years as her caregiver rather than see her rot in an old folks home.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Well, day after tomorrow is Mothers Day, and I still haven't gotten her anything. I think I'll get her a pot of fuscias from the garden center and a nice card. My dad's bday is later this month. I'm getting him a tomato plant.

And BTW they live across the street, so I'm gonna hug my momma. I've been social distancing from hugs, but we see each other so often that we have the same germs pretty much. I'm gonna hug my momma on mothers day and my dad on his birthday!!!!

 

[Mary Terry]

I'm wondering what my children will do for Mother's Day. I know they are conspiring with my husband to do something (I heard him talking on the phone with one of them). I suspect they will come to our house and cook something on the outdoor grill and then we will eat "together" on the patio but spaced 12 feet apart. They know that I don't want or need any cards or gifts and prefer just to spend time with them.

 

[Aspychata]

I'm wondering what my children will do for Mother's Day. I know they are conspiring with my husband to do something (I heard him talking on the phone with one of them). I suspect they will come to our house and cook something on the outdoor grill and then we will eat "together" on the patio but spaced 12 feet apart. They know that I don't want or need any cards or gifts and prefer just to spend time with them.

As one mother to another- have a great mother's day.

 

[Wolfgangus Faldestolius]

My mum though vivacious, disliked gushing and intensity like I also do. An ultra low key message and a "nice" enough picture from me were a boost to her, and it was red letter if she got so much as a mars bar from me on top. One of my siblings would be playfully gushing, and Dad usually remembered, again in a basic way - he was there for her and us, and sensible - she knew what's most important. She saw a bus splintered when she was in the bus behind. One of my siblings was gravely ill when a toddler. She never made a fuss about anything (not even when blowing her top). We had no fridge and no phone till I was 11 and no car till I was 21. Our house didn't have a good roof. She used to look back and say how happy we'd been (later when we were even happier about some things).

 

[Wolfgangus Faldestolius]

...

After they are gone, you don't ever get a second chance to make any changes

I'm now more curious about the family history (on all sides) and can't quiz them. What were the enigmatic hints about? At the time we rolled our eyes, that was just parents "being parents", you know they just say all these weird or boring things . . .

 

[Mary Terry]

As one mother to another- have a great mother's day.

You, too, Aspychata!

 

[Aspychata]

So my mom sent me a pic of the gifts l sent her along with the msg that my daughter and ex wished me happy mother's day. But l wish my daughter would call me. I prefer distance from my ex.