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My aspie bf

Stick to your decision Katie Andrews you can find someone way better than this! But it could be good to enjoy your freedom and just be yourself doing what you want for a while, giving your child a happy mum back and deciding and finding what you want for yourself. A career? An interesting course? Learning to dance/swim/paint/laugh more? Putting yourself and your child first is a great decision, well done you!
 
Ken S. said:
Really? Because I can show love and compassion better than my NT father. It is something I learned from my aspie mother.
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But did she demand lots of emotional labour from you every day of your life until you had a compulsion to do it for everyone all the time.
 
Katie, I hope you are doing okay and doing what is right for you. Best wishes.

Ken S. said:
Really? Because I can show love and compassion better than my NT father. It is something I learned from my aspie mother.
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I second this. I was the Aspie that was clung to mother and quite physically affectionate (it was like an extension of my stimming, and she had a very rhythmic way of comforting). I grew to be capable of affection as an adult (though rather aloofly). The block for me was always father/son affection. And affection of any sort with anyone else until my first love, in fact.

(As an off topic aside, I have my suspicions my mother may be on the spectrum as well but that hasn't been discussed as I'm distant from family now - stims a ton, locks herself away alone as much as she can get away with, has a certain one-sided intensity in conversation, very fixed thinking, as rigid and orderly as me in daily ritual and routine, oversteps social boundaries constantly, difficulty expressing emotion, prone to what appear to be shutdowns, does not adjust well to even small changes in plans, everything must be done right, etc).
 
I am doing okay guys..keeping busy with work and my daughter.... I was planning of meeting up with him to have a heart to heart talk.. i dont know what will be the outcome after we talk but I can say thatmy hatred is slowly fading away. Life is too short to hold grudges against someone right? We must learn to forgive and forget in order to move on.
 
You are a lucky girl however I wish he spends more time with you, miss being with someone I am an Aspie too, if I had to choose spending time with an ex I'd choose spending time with who I am with, she matters to me and i will stay in her bed and keep her warm.Give her attention and affection, hold her close, not leave her, make love to her and kiss on the mouth, feel attached and stay.If she makes me feel safe I will stay by her side and return the favor by making her feel safe and be there for her when she is sad, she can cry on my shoulder and I will hug her and let her know everything is going to be alright because I love her.I have nobody ATM but to find her, hope to feel safe being emotionally vulnerable to crying without ridicule.
 
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Katie, I was in a marriage for 23 years which I should have left earlier but I did not know how. It wasn't until after I'd left that I realised ( and was told by others ) that his behaviour was emotionally abusive. This was very difficult for me to understand because he was a good guy in many ways. People are complex and pure evil is rare or perhaps even only exists in fairy tales. If my ex had hit me I would have understood that it was abuse but he didn't hit me. And sometimes he was nice to me. He could be kind and caring and overall he meant to be a good guy but he also was controlling, manipulative, passive-aggressive and eventually quite disloyal. As far as I know he didn't cheat on me but he broke other vows and I think they all have equal importance. Now that I realise I am autistic I sometimes wonder if he had good reason to treat me that way. Maybe I was difficult to love. Maybe I was difficult to live with. But I don't actually have good reason to believe that and even if I was, it's no excuse for how he treated me. What I am seeing that is similar between your story and mine is that confusion which comes from the guy not being purely bad. This makes it so much easier to make excuses or tell yourself that you should be tolerant and forgiving and that nobody is perfect. You probably even think you need to cut him more slack because he is on the spectrum

You don't. Not that way. Some people on the spectrum are jerks and others aren't, just like all people. Some people on the spectrum are not skilled with relationships even if they mean well, just like all people. You won't be able to leave until you are ready, but I hope that all the advice you've received here helps you to look at it differently. You deserve to be loved and respected and treated well. Good Luck. I'm glad you reached out for help.
 
im scheduled to meet up with him this weekend and he wants me to go to his psych appointment hoping his psychologist can explain things better regarding his attachment to his ex/bestffriend. He is very persistent of telling me that they have a platonic relationship and he doesnt have any feelings for her and the thought of even kissing her grosses hiM out. He said that she was his very first friend when he moved down here and pretty much the relationship was all done before he met me. He said he tend to be quiet when i get upset because he thinks the logical way and he doesnt know how to react when i have a sudden outburst of emotions.. he said i need to calmly tell him instead of being mad and rude when im upset so we can work something out instead of having misunderstanding..His mom even reached out to me assuring that they are just friends and nothing more..Im still On a confused stage of wether to try work this out or walk away and move on.
 
I'm single I won't leave you, however I live far away.I get emotionally attached easily and very affectionate however I live in the bay area.Clingy I tend to be but working on that, just don't want to be lonely, been abandoned as a child.
 
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AspieOtaku said:
I have nobody and yearn for my love and if I find her and she finds me I am hers and give her all my attention.
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Then you are going to head for heartbreak, being so obssessed for a relationship, desperate and dependent. You abandoned your self as a child and need psychotherapy (loads of help online) to get back in touch with your 'little me' and find the love you are desperate for inside yourself. Then you will be able to relate healthily.
 
Katie andrews said:
He said he tend to be quiet when i get upset because he thinks the logical way and he doesnt know how to react when i have a sudden outburst of emotions.. he said i need to calmly tell him instead of being mad and rude when im upset so we can work something out instead of having misunderstanding.
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So, is this true? Do you get mad and upset regularly?

What's your thought process?


Look up Karpman drama triangle. You'r adults yet for some reason the mother is stepping in, now you are going to his psychologist.. (not under the guise of relationship counselling which could be how you direct it - with a new psychologist)
 
Fridgemagnetman said:
So, is this true? Do you get mad and upset regularly?

What's your thought process?


Look up Karpman drama triangle. You'r adults yet for some reason the mother is stepping in, now you are going to his psychologist.. (not under the guise of relationship counselling which could be how you direct it - with a new psychologist)
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I rarely get mad thats my problem. I have so much patience and tolerance that whenever i can, even if im hurting i would stay quiet till the anger fades away. The problem is i kept everything bottled inside then when i have enough.. i become like a raging volcano...
 
Katie andrews said:
I rarely get mad thats my problem. I have so much patience and tolerance that whenever i can, even if im hurting i would stay quiet till the anger fades away. The problem is i kept everything bottled inside then when i have enough.. i become like a raging volcano...
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Did you look up the karpman drama triangle?
The Triangle of Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor - What It Is and How to Get Out. - Linda Graham

To me, it sounds like you're not in touch with part of yourself.
'Bottling it up' sounds a lot like the anger is NOT fading away.

Finding some clues within yourself and your own patterns of behaviour may be the best way forward.

Often in life, I've found when I've had a problem with someone or something it took me a long time to realise the problem was with me.

Change yourself,change your life outcomes.

to paraphrase you :

"I do get mad but haven't learnt to express it productively,that's my problem."

Boyfriend aside :)
 
Fridgemagnetman said:
Did you look up the karpman drama triangle?
The Triangle of Victim, Rescuer, Persecutor - What It Is and How to Get Out. - Linda Graham

To me, it sounds like you're not in touch with part of yourself.
'Bottling it up' sounds a lot like the anger is NOT fading away.

Finding some clues within yourself and your own patterns of behaviour may be the best way forward.

Often in life, I've found when I've had a problem with someone or something it took me a long time to realise the problem was with me.

Change yourself,change your life outcomes.

to paraphrase you :

"I do get mad but haven't learnt to express it productively,that's my problem."

Boyfriend aside :)
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I see what you mean now.. i guess part of the problem is me because i get upset then pretend that everything is ok and forgiven but deep inside i still hold grudge and resentment...thank you for pointing that out.
 
59845160-1A5F-4FEF-97DE-218F62BF8CA9.jpeg
This is a poem i made for the boyfriend two weeks ago... I know its a lil irrelevant but i thought i might share..
Fridgemagnetman said:
now reply again, in the form of a poem :)
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