My Wife wants me to prove I will defend her!

[HOFJanitor]

Hi All!

Recently my wife received a scam phone call which i happened to overhear. She seemed upset and it sounded like it was a man on the other end. So I asked to take the call because I wanted to intervene. She said no. So she began talking back and forth and she said that this is a government phone (it actually is as she works for the government) but i started to shout "no its not!". I didnt want the caller to think he'd hit the jackpot and continue calling.

Well I just arrived home now and my wife has confessed that she feels like i essentially 'Attacked' her and failed to protect and defend her. Its a common theme throughout our relationship. She feels like the women should feel supported and protected.

There have been instances in the past where she will engage in a heated argument with other people. I tend to take a passive and listening role. I try to take a peacemaker role but she says that i am not defending here enough.

Top be honest I am quite stumped. I know I am not a coward and would defend her of course! She is neurotypical btw! Any help would be appreciated!

TY

 

[Misty Avich]

If she wants you to defend her more and you tried to help with the phonecall then how come she said no? What are you supposed to do?

 

[HOFJanitor]

I asked the same thing. She said I was supposed to "Not attack her" by siding with the scam caller

 

[Jumpinbare]

I defended my wife when she was in the right. She wanted me to take her side regardless. I told her if I knew she was wrong, I couldn't knowingly support her side. I made sure she was always  physically safe.

 

[Misty Avich]

I asked the same thing. She said I was supposed to "Not attack her" by siding with the scam caller

But she said no before you said it wasn't a government phone. She could have let you intervene then.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Maybe she is on her last straw with you, and the reason she did that test, is because you have been far too passive in your relationship and she is scared that if someone really did attack her, you wouldn't intervene to protect her.

A woman should never feel threatened when she is with a man. I'm not saying he should be a thug. But it is natural to feel safe and warm and protected when a woman is married or in a relationship with a man.

Love is a verb, and protection is part of that verb.

For instance, as a mother, I would destroy worlds if my daughter (or anyone under my dominion) were threatened or harmed. That's called Mama Bear.

Men are called to be even more protective and fierce than that toward defending the women and children and elders that they love, ESPECIALLY their WIFE, DAUGHTERS, and MOTHER, whenever they are threatened. They should also have the backs of their friends.

And it's supposed to come natural. As part of honor, and love, and service.

If your wife is being yelled at by a man, your role is never to sit back and listen passively.

If your wife is in a position where she has to yell in a heated argument at a man, it's already gone too far. You are the husband. Man up. Protect.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

What your wife expects you to do lives in her head.

Society is changing many expectations about women, so they are more equal to men. On the other hand expectations about men are untouched.

We are supossed to be protectors, but sensitive, providers of money and safety, and atentive listeners, and do the home repararions and half of the cleaning, and being there for them every moment, and this and that...

And what about YOUR expectations? Nobody cares. Not even asked, not even in the topic.

I just want you to remember that you are also important, what you think and feel is also important and that by protecting your family you should be protecting yourself too (you are part of your family).

Dont allow your wife to use your love towards her as a chain to control you.

Best of luck.

 

[lunarious]

She feels like the women should feel supported and protected.

Tell her to do something about it by camouflaging herself by wearing modest clothes and maybe headscarf. (edit) modest women demand respect and recieve Divine protection.

I don't want non-muslim women, whom doesn't wear headscarf because i need to protect them. I want my wife to at least contribute to me protecting her.

Edit2: grammar

 

[Shevek]

Twice I've had two new girlfriends check to see if I will protect them. A potential mother needs to know if it is safe for her to be vulnerable before and after giving birth. One of them later tried picking extra fights and was pissed that backup was not automatic. With the other, I was just lucky to have good timing more than anything else, but it still counted.

 

[thejuice]

My ex used to get in to arguments and then I'd have to step in. Then it was my fault for taking over lol. It was a complete pain because the arguments were needless to begin with. She argued or provoked shifty strangers in dive bars that anyone with common sense wouldn't mess with. Part of my job involved being in 'characterful' places. Being short she had a bit of a Napoleonic complex. I was on regular damage control.

 

[thejuice]

I'm guessing she felt contradicted. Maybe she didn't feel listened to or understood or something like that. But I understand why you didn't want the scammer to know it was a government phone. Maybe in her anger she attacked your masculinity, even though you offered to take over. You often can't win.

 

[Rodafina]

@HOFJanitor

The expectations your wife has of you sound confusing - the idea of wanting to feel “protected” seems simple enough, but what that actually means to your wife is less clear. If your relationship is full of “supposed to’s” that you don’t even understand, she is bound to be upset and you are bound to fail.

You say this is a common theme in your relationship. Perhaps, there is a need for clarification in your communication or even a mediator or marriage counselor to help you both better understand the other person.

In your position (as you have described it) I think I would take a passive role, too. It sounds like perhaps, it is too easy for you to get in trouble regardless of your intentions.

 

[Forest Cat]

Tell her to do something about it by camouflaging herself by wearing modest clothes and maybe headscarf. (edit) modest women demand respect and recieve Divine protection.

Really? Maybe in the year 600 but this is 2024 and we live in modern, civilized societies where women don't have to hide. You're in Norway, I'll give you some good advice, don't say that out loud so women there hear it. That won't end well. Women don't need divine protection, but you'll need protection against them.

 

[Hypnalis]

but i started to shout "no its not!". I didnt want the caller to think he'd hit the jackpot and continue calling.

You didn't trust her to manage the call herself. And you intervened in a way that weakened her position in the call.
The default expectation is that you support her (and vice-versa of course).

It sounds like there was some "scope creep" during the discussion afterwards If so, it's unfortunate but so common we all just have to work around it.

engage in a heated argument with other people.

This bit's connected, but not quite the same thing.

In principle you should "always" support her. But "always" is a strong word.
What if e.g. she wasn't being reasonable, and/or had contributed to the temperature rising?

This isn't the kind of thing where a simple heuristic would work, but here's a scenario in lieu of an example:

A hated argument occurs, and your wife's position is reasonable. She indicates she wants some active support from you. You do it, because it's your duty,
Later, when it's just you and your wife, you can state a preference. Carefully.
:
:
The theme here is trust: the kind that includes a degree of predictability. This is an essential part of a marriage.

Loyalty, Respect, Trust, Clear and Honest communication.

There are lots of lists and acronyms about stuff like this, mostly useless. That one isn't a magic wand either
But if any of those is missing on either side, it's best to see it as a problem that needs to be addressed.

 

[Rodafina]

It sounds like there was some "scope creep" during the discussion afterwards If so,

@Hypnalis
What does “scope creep” mean?

 

[Mary Terry]

Tell her to do something about it by camouflaging herself by wearing modest clothes and maybe headscarf. (edit) modest women demand respect and recieve Divine protection.

I don't want non-muslim women, whom doesn't wear headscarf because i need to protect them. I want my wife to at least contribute to me protecting her.

Edit2: grammar

How would wearing a head scarf and a total body clothing shroud protect a woman during a phone call? The caller cannot see what the woman is wearing.

 

[Suzette]

Maybe you should ask her what her idea of protection is. In a quiet, non-defensive, loving way.
Ask her to be specific. Maybe, in trying to clearly state her preference she see will how difficult it is for you to guess her needs.
I say it that way because she doesn't sound clear in her own mind about the subject.

 

[lunarious]

How would wearing a head scarf and a total body clothing shroud protect a woman during a phone call? The caller cannot see what the woman is wearing.

She'll use 1020 HP Sage Mode and shock the perpetrator by shere Fear Factor: like, do you see how modest i am?!

Without saying a word. Like: "I double dare you to use Magic or your mesmerizing voice, because i'll call Police, or my Man".

 

[HOFJanitor]

hi thanks everyone for the insights this has definitely taken a toll on me. I feel very tired to be honest. I am not sure I am even cut out for a relationship let alone with a neurotypical person.

 

[HOFJanitor]

I am definitely far from perfect! And neurotypical people are not bad! I have suggested a mediator of some kind but she refuses.

I just feel weary overall. Its like im up against something I have no chance in correcting.