My Wife wants me to prove I will defend her!

[HOFJanitor]

She is not of the mindset of being particularly understanding of Autism. She knows I am "special" but doesnt formally recognize the autism and although this hurts Ive learned to accept it. Again, I wanted to meet with a marriage counsellor to help provide support for NT's dealing with ASD partners as I believed this would help her to understand certain deficits, I explained it was not an excuse for me to be lazy or get away with unacceptable behaviours.
Unfortunately she refuses and again this saddens me but I try to move forward as best as I can

 

[Neonatal RRT]

hi thanks everyone for the insights this has definitely taken a toll on me. I feel very tired to be honest. I am not sure I am even cut out for a relationship let alone with a neurotypical person.

I am coming in late to the conversation here, but I thinking these sorts of interactions are highly individualized.

1. In her defense, you did interrupt the phone interaction when it was not wanted, nor needed. Clearly, she wanted to handle the situation herself, and then you butted in with "No, it's not!" and undermined the interaction. My wife would have been pissed with me. I am thinking your intent was good, but how you went about it was not. I am thinking you were an unwitting victim of your own autism-related social "faux pas". If she wanted to tell bold-faced lies to this phone scammer, so be it. This was not a face-to-face interaction, so no physical harm was present.

2. When it comes to face-to-face interactions, if she is engaged, then you've got her back, quite literally. I've had this in the past where my wife will be in front of me giving this other person "the business" and I can see by their eyes, they are far more concerned about me who's standing behind her. I don't have to say a word. Just my presence is enough to keep things in check.

I am reminded of those nature shows where the female lions are the ones who do most of the hunting and feeding for the pride and how they are the ones to stand up first to threats. Sure, things can have a bit of drama initially, that is, until the big male lion shows up behind the girls and things either end, or the girls step aside and let the male lion take care of business. What you're describing, in terms of what your wife wanted, is sort of the same thing. She needs to feel she is strong and likes to handle things herself, but with that support behind her.

 

[tree]

Hi All!

Recently my wife received a scam phone call which i happened to overhear. She seemed upset and it sounded like it was a man on the other end. So I asked to take the call because I wanted to intervene.

I don't know why either of you thought it was necessary to converse with a scammer.

Why bother?

 

[Mary Terry]

She'll use 1020 HP Sage Mode and shock the perpetrator by shere Fear Factor: like, do you see how modest i am?!

Without saying a word. Like: "I double dare you to use Magic or your mesmerizing voice, because i'll call Police, or my Man".

That's unintelligible.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Tell her to do something about it by camouflaging herself by wearing modest clothes and maybe headscarf. (edit) modest women demand respect and recieve Divine protection.

I don't want non-muslim women, whom doesn't wear headscarf because i need to protect them. I want my wife to at least contribute to me protecting her.

Edit2: grammar

NO.

Women can dress however they like.

If a male approaches a female with ill intent to heckle, assault, or worse, that is the man being a total manpig and waste of flesh.

I dress modestly most of the time, but that's just for me.

If a woman does it for religious reasons, that's between her and God. It has nothing to do with a man in her life.

If a man forces a woman to dress in a certain way, that is oppression!

And if society is in such a way that women can't leave their homes without headscarves, or the men of the society might hurt her, then I would say that society is flawed.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

Hi All!

Recently my wife received a scam phone call which i happened to overhear. She seemed upset and it sounded like it was a man on the other end. So I asked to take the call because I wanted to intervene. She said no. So she began talking back and forth and she said that this is a government phone (it actually is as she works for the government) but i started to shout "no its not!". I didnt want the caller to think he'd hit the jackpot and continue calling.

Well I just arrived home now and my wife has confessed that she feels like i essentially 'Attacked' her and failed to protect and defend her. Its a common theme throughout our relationship. She feels like the women should feel supported and protected.

There have been instances in the past where she will engage in a heated argument with other people. I tend to take a passive and listening role. I try to take a peacemaker role but she says that i am not defending here enough.

Top be honest I am quite stumped. I know I am not a coward and would defend her of course! She is neurotypical btw! Any help would be appreciated!

TY

If you love someone and someone else steps up to her, disrespecting her, your job is to say "Excuse me?"

As a woman I do that, and I'm a very passive peaceful person. But nobody better disrespect those I love. Or I lose it.

As a man, who's bigger and tougher, you should be doing that for the women in your life.

 

[717]

Hi All!

Recently my wife received a scam phone call which i happened to overhear. She seemed upset and it sounded like it was a man on the other end. So I asked to take the call because I wanted to intervene. She said no. So she began talking back and forth and she said that this is a government phone (it actually is as she works for the government) but i started to shout "no its not!". I didnt want the caller to think he'd hit the jackpot and continue calling.

Well I just arrived home now and my wife has confessed that she feels like i essentially 'Attacked' her and failed to protect and defend her. Its a common theme throughout our relationship. She feels like the women should feel supported and protected.

There have been instances in the past where she will engage in a heated argument with other people. I tend to take a passive and listening role. I try to take a peacemaker role but she says that i am not defending here enough.

Top be honest I am quite stumped. I know I am not a coward and would defend her of course! She is neurotypical btw! Any help would be appreciated!

TY

Sometimes I'm glad I'm single.

 

[Tom]

This thread reminds me a little of the control room at Chernobyl in the TV series when the lights start going off all over the core.

But to the OP I would say that the disconnect you are feeling from your spouse is probably very common for us in a NT-ND marriage/relationship. Though it may not show at first we really start on a different page. Personally I found the only way to get in sync was a long process of serious communication... talking, listening, thinking. Your idea of counseling is a good one, but often as you have, one or the other partner is resistant to it. So you have to try and get the discussions going on your own. The only suggestions I have are try, more then anything to make them positive, constructive, not using blame or shame. And if the other takes it negative don't respond in kind, but try to steer it back to reasonable. In short, you need to fix the communication lines before addressing the issues, like you need to fix the radio before you can successfully talk.

Part of this is learning how her NT thinking works, what things mean, and vice versa.

I think this is a pretty standard hurdle for us in mixed relationships, and is not at all impossible. It can be a long process however, so patience is needed.

 

[tree]

@Hypnalis
What does “scope creep” mean?

Possibly a reference to a situation of this nature?

Scope creep - Wikipedia
What Is Scope Creep and How Can I Avoid It?

 

[Misty Avich]

Sounds like your wife has an entitlement thing going on here.

 

[thejuice]

She is not of the mindset of being particularly understanding of Autism. She knows I am "special" but doesnt formally recognize the autism and although this hurts Ive learned to accept it. Again, I wanted to meet with a marriage counsellor to help provide support for NT's dealing with ASD partners as I believed this would help her to understand certain deficits, I explained it was not an excuse for me to be lazy or get away with unacceptable behaviours.
Unfortunately she refuses and again this saddens me but I try to move forward as best as I can

Has she ever tried to understand autism? This double standard of expectation seems to be a running theme in NT-ND relationship crisis posts. The minority neurotype person's needs are invalidated, being seen as abnormal and pathological. With the therapist, be sure to check they're qualified and check the reviews. Likely to be biased. 'Cassandra Syndrome' is a bit of a dubious modern cottage industry.

 

[thejuice]

She is not of the mindset of being particularly understanding of Autism. She knows I am "special" but doesnt formally recognize the autism and although this hurts Ive learned to accept it. Again, I wanted to meet with a marriage counsellor to help provide support for NT's dealing with ASD partners as I believed this would help her to understand certain deficits, I explained it was not an excuse for me to be lazy or get away with unacceptable behaviours.
Unfortunately she refuses and again this saddens me but I try to move forward as best as I can

Having digested this a bit more, I really don't like the way she is making you feel broken over a foolish game with a scammer. I expect you were quite irritated with her during the call, whilst she frivolously gave away sensitive information to white collar criminals. Loose lips sink ships. I hope her pyrrhic victory over the scammer was worth it. She needs holding to account there.

Is she blowing this up for a strategic reason, it feels like a power play. It's something that could easily be negotiated, but these days the baby is quickly thrown out with the bathwater and on to the next. Is she talking or stone walling? She needs to be more assertive in what she needs, we are not mind readers to say the least. This is something both parties need to work on.

You are worthy and a good hearted person. If she is being passive aggressive, try not to let her know how much she is hurting you, as it will only encourage her. She has manoeuvred herself into a postition where she is currently holding all the cards, but with your permission. She is walking all over you because you are not providing deterrence through strength. Hopefully it will all simmer down, or maybe *you* don't need this childishness and could do much better. She has to know you are capable of walking away. You matter!

 

[Shevek]

NO.

Women can dress however they like.

If a male approaches a female with ill intent to heckle, assault, or worse, that is the man being a total manpig and waste of flesh.

I dress modestly most of the time, but that's just for me.

If a woman does it for religious reasons, that's between her and God. It has nothing to do with a man in her life.

If a man forces a woman to dress in a certain way, that is oppression!

And if society is in such a way that women can't leave their homes without headscarves, or the men of the society might hurt her, then I would say that society is flawed.

Ma Nature could have made it hard to tell men and women apart, but she didn't. Women generally dress to look more attractive, because they may meet a man they want to get to know better. However, for all the men who are out of consideration, it is like seeing food, but having none. Shaming people for being affected by their instincts is a very old, very nasty way to manipulate them.

 

[thejuice]

If you love someone and someone else steps up to her, disrespecting her, your job is to say "Excuse me?"

As a woman I do that, and I'm a very passive peaceful person. But nobody better disrespect those I love. Or I lose it.

As a man, who's bigger and tougher, you should be doing that for the women in your life.

Not if they act the fool and feel entitled to use the boyfriend/husband as a personal unpaid bodyguard, that's just toxic.

 

[Hypnalis]

@Hypnalis
What does “scope creep” mean?

It's used in Project Management to describe the very common process of additional requirements being added to the specification during a project, or existing requirement being expanded.
It's one of many reasons that projects so often come in late and over budget.

The same effect is extremely common with the topic of certain kinds of personal discussions, especially heated discussions.

e.g. Person A expects the discussion to be limited to a specific event that just occurred, but Person 2, wishing to point out that that the event is part of a pattern of behavior, expands the topic of the discussion.
Another event is brought up, but poorly integrated into the discussion for some reason, and suddenly we get
"You always/never do that, and the same underlying issue regularly causes another effect type, like Friday last week when you did X and didn't do Y"

Memory is associative, emotions are associative, topics of heated conversations shift and change according to memories and emotional responses.
And conversations sometimes become acrimonious as a result.

Almost every human works that way, including us, but the progression towards higher temperatures is slower in people with good emotional regulation. e.g. pre-teen children are much more likely to "go from 0 to100 in a second" than adults are.

 

[lunarious]

Ma Nature could have made it hard to tell men and women apart, but she didn't. Women generally dress to look more attractive, because they may meet a man they want to get to know better. However, for all the men who are out of consideration, it is like seeing food, but having none. Shaming people for being affected by their instincts is a very old, very nasty way to manipulate them.

1. God made women and men different. God is a He, in Islam. Mother Nature is innocent. That's how i feel.
2. Instinct are dangerous. A female when young might become pregnant while being careless. ... So it is about controlling people's instincts, ... also being manipulative. But not to be evil.

 

[lunarious]

NO.

Women can dress however they like.

If a male approaches a female with ill intent to heckle, assault, or worse, that is the man being a total manpig and waste of flesh.

I dress modestly most of the time, but that's just for me.

If a woman does it for religious reasons, that's between her and God. It has nothing to do with a man in her life.

If a man forces a woman to dress in a certain way, that is oppression!

And if society is in such a way that women can't leave their homes without headscarves, or the men of the society might hurt her, then I would say that society is flawed.

We can discuss this further, in Religious Forum.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

So, controlling women and their instincts. And being manipulative to control them? And I'm guessing also drape a sheet over them so no one can see them and they don't 'tempt men'? That's an interesting strategy. You should meet my sister, she would love to hear more about that.

Exactly. Let me get this straight. The way to control weak men, who have no self-discipline and control is to control women and their instincts? Of course, this leads to also inhibiting education for women, not letting them have a public voice, not letting them go out in public by themselves, making them wear head-to-toe black covering in the blazing hot weather, so on and so forth. Let's make it absolutely miserable to be outdoors in order to keep them hidden inside. But, it's for their own good, it's protective, and with good intent? That doesn't sound like the loving word of God, but rather the evil word of man.

 

[Mary Terry]

Shaming people for being affected by their instincts is a very old, very nasty way to manipulate them.

Yes, that's why it is so offensive that men try to force women to hide their bodies from men. It is a "very old, very nasty way to manipulate [women]."

 

[lunarious]

Not if they act the fool and feel entitled to use the boyfriend/husband as a personal unpaid bodyguard, that's just toxic.

You both have a degree of correct