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Need advice. Help please :)

Judge said:
We're still human beings though. I mean in all fairness that we can be jerks, regardless of our autism. It's not an excuse for truly bad behavior either. That's where it pays to focus on our intent...and that it is consistent regardless of how poorly we may communicate something.
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Jerk was probably a little harsh. Uncaring perhaps, a little rude sometimes and cold and distant on occasions.
 
Lilybell said:
Jerk was probably a little harsh. Uncaring perhaps, a little rude sometimes and cold and distant on occasions.
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We've been called a little of everything in our lives...whether it was warranted or not. No accident that some of are quite reclusive- and defensive. Keep reading in other threads...you'll find out lives are not often all that pleasant.
 
Judge said:
We've been called a little of everything in our lives...whether it was warranted or not. No accident that some of are quite reclusive- and defensive. Keep reading in other threads...you'll find out lives are not often all that pleasant.
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Oops I was referring to him, not a general comment. Meaning he's not a jerk, he just comes across like he doesn't care sometimes. I get this too now though :)

I'm struggling to find other threads I can only see the same ones all the time. I'm not sure I'm looking in the right place.

That's sad to read. Everyone is so nice.
 
Lilybell said:
Oops I was referring to him, not a general comment. Meaning he's not a jerk, he just comes across like he doesn't care sometimes. I get this too now though :)

I'm struggling to find other threads I can only see the same ones all the time. I'm not sure I'm looking in the right place.
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Nope...I got that. Just wanted to mention that perception of us is not all that good at times.

You don't have to completely understand us...but just to constantly be aware that we don't relate emotionally and socially in the same manner that you do. And that hopefully it's our good intentions over time that you can focus on...rather than our appearance in real time.
 
Judge said:
Nope...I got that. Just wanted to mention that perception of us is not all that good at times.

You don't have to completely understand us...but just to constantly be aware that we don't relate emotionally and socially in the same manner that you do. And that hopefully it's our good intentions over time that you can focus on...rather than our appearance in real time.
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I'm getting there...slowly. :-)
 
Judge said:
And whether or not you can sustain a relationship in which there is always going to be some degree of unequal parity between his needs and yours.
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This is a really good point. I can also see parallels with relationships in which one party is physically compromised in some way. Some couples enter a relationship knowing that one party has needs that vary from the "norm", while others will be faced with inequality in needs through an injury, a stroke, disease, dementia, and so on.

An NT/Aspie relationship doesn't have to fail. Humans are generally adaptable creatures. Loving relationships are all about compromise, and accommodating each other's needs. (Within reason, of course... I would never advocate accommodating any kind of abuse, for example. But then, abuse is not love.)
 
a point if I may us aspies and auties can be pretty bad at the expressive romantic stuff. But I can say for my self that on the inside I may even feel more on the love front than some NTs, lack of expression is not the same a actual lack of love.
Also I made a effort to learn to be more expressive on friendship and love and it has worked more than I expected, still not perfect, but a huge improvement.

Taking the time to talk about actual ways to express love with your guy may be very helpful. But the ladies like to dance around the bush too much...with vague terms like be more romantic, (That Does Not Work), and means nothing to a guy, that prase can mean anything from bring more flowers :hibiscus: to go kill a Bull in the arena for me :runner::eek:....:ox: Mooo!
You have to get right down to paint by number instructions with us, in great detail, say Look for this sign, say something to me like this, put your arm around me like that, do this or that, help me with this or that, something as simple as a nice cooked meal might buy huge points sometimes.
Once we understand what makes you happy, and when to do, it we can do okay on the romantic front...we like to please the ladies too! :)

Maelstrom
 
Maelstrom said:
a point if I may us aspies and auties can be pretty bad at the expressive romantic stuff. But I can say for my self that on the inside I may even feel more on the love front than some NTs, lack of expression is not the same a actual lack of love.
Also I made a effort to learn to be more expressive on friendship and love and it has worked more than I expected, still not perfect, but a huge improvement.

Taking the time to talk about actual ways to express love with your guy may be very helpful. But the ladies like to dance around the bush too much...with vague terms like be more romantic, (That Does Not Work), and means nothing to a guy, that prase can mean anything from bring more flowers :hibiscus: to go kill a Bull in the arena for me :runner::eek:....:ox: Mooo!
You have to get right down to paint by number instructions with us, in great detail, say Look for this sign, say something to me like this, put your arm around me like that, do this or that, help me with this or that, something as simple as a nice cooked meal might buy huge points sometimes.
Once we understand what makes you happy, and when to do, it we can do okay on the romantic front...we like to please the ladies too! :)

Maelstrom
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'To go kill a bull...' ha this made me laugh.

Lucky for him im not really into receiving flowers. He does cook me dinner though. I think that's because he prefers to do it over me but that's cool as I get to sit and relax and he's a great cook too.

Not hearing how he feels is what I struggle with the most I think, which is made worse by his withdrawal sometimes. A battle in my head a lot of the time. Contradictions all over the place which make it confusing. I wish he'd just say it. If only he knew how much easier things would be, just to open his mouth once in a while :-)
 
Lilybell said:
'To go kill a bull...' ha this made me laugh.

Lucky for him im not really into receiving flowers. He does cook me dinner though. I think that's because he prefers to do it over me but that's cool as I get to sit and relax and he's a great cook too.

Not hearing how he feels is what I struggle with the most I think, which is made worse by his withdrawal sometimes. A battle in my head a lot of the time. Contradictions all over the place which make it confusing. I wish he'd just say it. If only he knew how much easier things would be, just to open his mouth once in a while :)
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You need to give him a example of what he should say and why....Us aspies are missing the gene to pick up on that stuff instinctively.....I'm not joking on that bit....we really don't have the NT mimicking behavior gene.

It took years of intentional study of other people for me to learn how to be warm and outgoing...a strong NT can pick it up in a short time with out even being aware they did.....its a social learning by mimicry gene....similar to how Babies pick up language so easy.

I know it sounds stupid....but you are going to have to say Honey it would make me really happy if you do would this.....once a week or so....and explain the words and actions blow by blow in great detail.

I am aware this is not a thing you ladies like to do....you love your man to read you....but it is just a fact of life with us aspies...sorry!

Good luck on training your Don Wan, Casinova.....:)
 
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Maelstrom said:
You need to give him a example of what he should say and why....Us aspies are missing the gene to pick up on that stuff instinctively.....I'm not joking on that bit....we really don't have the NT mimicking behavior gene.

It took years of intentional study of other people for me to learn how to be warm and outgoing...a strong NT can pick it up in a short time with out even being aware they did.....its a social learning by mimicry gene....similar to how Babies pick up language so easy.

I know it sounds stupid....but you are going to have to say Honey it would make me really happy if you do would this.....once a week or so....and explain the words and actions blow by blow in great detail.

I am aware this is not a thing you ladies like to do....you love your man to read you....but it is just a fact of life with us aspies...sorry!

Good luck on training your Don Wan, Casinova.....:)
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Haha I doubt he'll ever give Casanova a run for his money. He's probably forgot about me over there in St Lucia :-(
 
Lilybell said:
Haha I doubt he'll ever give Casanova a run for his money. He's probably forgot about me over there in St Lucia :-(
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remind him how lovely you are!

You live in Saint Lucia Wow! that is a lovely island...is that the french islands towards Brazil?
 
Maelstrom said:
remind him how lovely you are!

You live in Saint Lucia Wow! that is a lovely island...is that the french islands towards Brazil?
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No he's on holiday there until Tuesday. I'm in the uk.

Yes very close to South America. He goes every year. I've been once, it's beautiful.
 
Lilybell said:
He goes with his friend every year. Man holiday :)

I've just had a surprise call. He called to say 'I have his love.' How sweet is that?! :)

Feeling happy. Being patient, calm and unemotional WORKS!!

Thank you all for drilling that into me.
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your welcome....I can see why you are feeling poor tho....I'm not thinking the personal Holidays is such a good thing.:confused: I would take my lady...what is the point of having a nice lady if you can't do stuff together with her? just my opinion
 
Maelstrom said:
your welcome....I can see why you are feeling poor tho....I'm not thinking the personal Holidays is such a good thing.:confused: I would take my lady...what is the point of having a nice lady if you can't do stuff together with her? just my opinion
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Aww that's sweet.

I don't mind, lots of people have separate holidays. It's ok as long as you still go together. He's clearly missing me, so perhaps he won't be in a hurry to go without me next time haha.
 
Separate holidays. Hmmmmmmmm. Now that's something I wouldn't be doing if I had a significant other. Holidays are made for sharing IMO.

I don't do vacations alone. Never thought of me as particularly good company by myself. :confused:
 
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