It is strange. My boyfriend of 13yrs was diagnosed with aspergers in 2010.
He is similar to your significant other. The clothes and the dishes.
He's a chemist.
And this is why I think I can help. Cuz I was diagnosed recently myself. So, we went several years thinking he was on the spectrum...where I was not, but the fact he was diagnosed should've tipped me off that I likely had a similar diagnosis, as when we decided to move in together he suggested we have separate bedrooms, which I though was a grand idea...because we both had such strict sleeping requirements we were never comfortable sleeping in the same bed, so usually I'd migrate to the floor to sleep when I'd visit him anyway.
Plus, we both need our alone time. We respect each other's privacy and boundaries. We have separate bathrooms. Separate cabinets. Etc.
But he has way more rules than me when it comes to how chores should be done, such as washing the dishes. Nothing I did was right.
This frustrated me for many years.
This is how I learned to communicate certain frustrations to him, as I've come to realize girls on the spectrum are much more expressive and introspective than our male counterparts. So, when there is a relationship based issue, at least for me, I see it as a puzzle in need of solving.
He needs things to be concrete and tangible. I also know he gets hurt if he feels like he's being criticized, though to an observer his response like to come off as insensitive and often pedantic, I recognize this for what it truly is: a coping mechanism. So, what I do is draw and graph it out for him. I explain what I'm showing him is cause and effect. That emotional reactions are actually logic based feedback...and if he begins to observe and analyze them as such, scientifically, he'll find they're actually quite predictable.
I then draw him as a big square (blue) and me as a smaller circle (red). I show him how his square sometimes has the potential to minimize my circle by drawing the two together and giving him perspective of how much he has the potential to overshadow me, as in his mind his views, his perspective and his internal emotional turmoil are dominant, but because his square is so much bigger than my circle, so much more rigid, my little circle's views, perspective and externally expressive emotional turmoil becomes boxed in, submissive and trapped within the rigid corners of his square.
And that the only way the square and circle can exist harmoniously, is if the box allows the circle to shine outside the shadow of the box, by ensuring her views, perspectives and emotional well being are placed on par with his...
...by him "seeing" my circle's needs as important to him as his own.
I then draw the box and circle next to each other. Both about the same size and shape, as equal partners.
This penetrated. It helped him to look at me and my needs in a whole new light, as not just words he seemed incapable of understanding, but as tangible proof of what was required of him.
I have my own quirky nature. I have rules of conduct that used to frustrate him. Like the fact we both have very specific needs when it comes to toilet paper. Luckily, we have separate bathrooms. But what I do that drives him bonkers, is often forget to refill my own supply before it runs out. So, I used to steal his
He'd get so irate!
Now he thinks it's adorably quirky...and understands it's an executive function based impairment I sometimes seem incapable of repairing. And he purchases extra rolls of my favorite toilet paper, and leaves it in his linen closest.
I know he likely seems like he doesn't experience the same emotions you do, but trust me...he likely experiences his own brand of emotions. He just internalizes them. But if you observe him closely, you'll see them for what they really are.
And I've come to the conclusion, Aspie men are extremely loyal and devoted life mates. So, I hope that helps.
Hey,
Thank you for your advice. Everyone here is so so nice. I'm not sure I understood the square and circle bit, but I'll try.
It's nice to hear you think aspie men are loyal and devoted life mates. I think I can see that. Even though he makes silly decisions sometimes, I doubt he'd ever betray me that way. I just can't see him doing it. I think he'd find it too stressful. Although I do sometimes think he's a little naive.
Its nice to hear from someone in a similar position. I wish I was a little more that way too, then I could relate more. It's very hard accepting the alone time/time out and the routines I guess as he often gets on with his stiff and I often feel I fit in around him. I don't think this necessarily means I'm not important, but it sure does feel like it sometimes. I'm learning more and more everyday and this place has been so so helpful. I think I would have walked away if I hadn't had so much understanding and advice here.
