Need advice. Help please :)

[Judge]

I think I understand. It seems he can go on holiday with someone for a week though. So perhaps it's just me he can't tolerate being around :-( I'm sure he'll go off on his own at times and do his own thing.

Just feeling hurt, confused and a little drained from yesterday.

I wonder if there are any other people here who suspect their partner is on the spectrum. Be nice to hear how they cope.

Depends on the nature of his relationship with the person he's going on holiday with. If it isn't intimate and chock-filled with draining emotions, I can see such a choice.

Not that he can't tolerate you personally...but he may have grave issues with the idea of an intense, emotional relationship. Fundamentally a social relationship with inherent expectations and demands can be potentially exhausting for us. You will likely take this personally...but for us it's not about you, but more about us.

Relationships can be heaven- and hell for us on a level you probably won't understand. Not that we understand either. But we have to live with it.

 

[Lilybell]

Depends on the nature of his relationship with the person he's going on holiday with. If it isn't intimate and chock-filled with draining emotions, I can see such a choice.

Not that he can't tolerate you personally...but he may have grave issues with the idea of an intense, emotional relationship. Fundamentally a social relationship with inherent expectations and demands can be potentially exhausting for us.

He's going with his male accountant/friend. He's slightly older. In fact all his friends are older. I don't know if there's any reason for that. They go every year. I'm guessing there are no emotional drains connected with his friendship

I see your point. I'm feeling low today. It's time to snap out of it though. Sorry!!

Another thing I picked up on earlier. He doesn't get why telling the truth about something can be hurtful or insulting. So if he tells someone they look fat, he's staring a fact so why would it be hurtful to that person. My nephew is the same and I've tried so many times explaining to him why it can be hurtful but he just does not get it.

How did you learn so much about aspergers? You seem to understand perfectly, the differences, and how we see things compared to how you see things. I can't even begin to get my head around how he thinks yet you do it so well for both.

 

[Judge]

He's going with his male accountant/friend. He's slightly older. In fact all his friends are older. I don't know if there's any reason for that. They go every year. I'm guessing there are no emotional drains connected with his friendship




I see your point. I'm feeling low today. It's time to snap out of it though. Sorry!!

Exactly. For us socialization with a friend comes at less cost compared to the complexities of a relationship.

Another thing I picked up on earlier. He doesn't get why telling the truth about something can be hurtful or insulting. So if he tells someone they look fat, he's staring a fact so why would it be hurtful to that person. My nephew is the same and I've tried so many times explaining to him why it can be hurtful but he just does not get it.

Oh my. You have no idea how many times I have had to rephrase how I answered your posts. It takes real work, believe me. My first inclination is usually to be as blunt as hell. Get right to the point...without any consideration of how you might take it.

There's a saying. "If you want a yes man, hire a Neuroytpical. If you want someone to tell the emperor he's not wearing any clothes, hire an Aspie!" We mentally default to this way of thinking. It's not attitude, it's our neurology. Some of us can change this to varying degrees, while others cannot at all. Like other traits and behaviors, some I can work on, while others are simply hard-wired into my brain.

How did you learn so much about aspergers? You seem to understand perfectly, the differences, and how we see things compared to how you see things. I can't even begin to get my head around how he thinks yet you do it so well for both.

The key to it all is to first and foremost acknowledge it. Which is your partner's biggest hurdle, yet to be attempted. Once I accepted the likelihood of being on the spectrum (after a lot of investigation and soul-searching) I decided to come here. Interacting with my peers has helped me to learn far more and faster in understanding who and what I really am.

Otherwise I merely spent 55 years just assuming I was a jerk...or eccentric or social outcast and little else.

 

[Judge]

It dawned on me that given how difficult emotional relationships may be for your partner, that it may well be a form of "overload" for you to approach him in any way about him being on the spectrum.

Conversely it also makes me wonder if this "neutral" friend of his might be the best conduit for your partner to begin to deal with his own autism. Now if he were to mention such thoughts...who knows?

It just sounds like he has so much to benefit from in discovering there are other people like him right here....

 

[hazybabe]

Judge has done a great job of explaining any giving insight into your situation.

Reading about your emotional state, arguments your having and the way your boyfriend is reacting I feel anxious as if I was there.
If I were involved in the relationship I know I'd be having all kinds of melt downs.
I don't really understand why you compare yourself to his colleague/friend? Relationships are so different depending on the level of intimacy, so your boyfriend won't treat you the same as anyone else.
If going on holiday with his friend is a yearly occurrence it would be illogical to him that he wouldn't go or that he'd go with you instead.
As judge has said it's not personal in anyway.

 

[Lilybell]

Exactly. For us socialization with a friend comes at less cost compared to the complexities of a relationship.



Oh my. You have no idea how many times I have had to rephrase how I answered your posts. It takes real work, believe me. My first inclination is usually to be as blunt as hell. Get right to the point...without any consideration of how you might take it.

There's a saying. "If you want a yes man, hire a Neuroytpical. If you want someone to tell the emperor he's not wearing any clothes, hire an Aspie!" We mentally default to this way of thinking. It's not attitude, it's our neurology. Some of us can change this to varying degrees, while others cannot at all. Like other traits and behaviors, some I can work on, while others are simply hard-wired into my brain.



The key to it all is to first and foremost acknowledge it. Which is your partner's biggest hurdle, yet to be attempted. Once I accepted the likelihood of being on the spectrum (after a lot of investigation and soul-searching) I decided to come here. Interacting with my peers has helped me to learn far more and faster in understanding who and what I really am.

Otherwise I merely spent 55 years just assuming I was a jerk...or eccentric or social outcast and little else.

That's really sad to read :-( well for what it's worth you sound like a wonderful man.

 

[Judge]

That's really sad to read :-( well for what it's worth you sound like a wonderful man.

Thanks...but I'm just a remorseful man. Not even sure if what I know now would have been enough to save my relationships with Neurotypical women. I just went so long without knowing what I did that was so problematic when interacting with others. Wondering how different things might have been had I known so much earlier.

 

[Lilybell]

It dawned on me that given how difficult emotional relationships may be for your partner, that it may well be a form of "overload" for you to approach him in any way about him being on the spectrum.

Conversely it also makes me wonder if this "neutral" friend of his might be the best conduit for your partner to begin to deal with his own autism. Now if he were to mention such thoughts...who knows?

It just sounds like he has so much to benefit from in discovering there are other people like him right here....

I think he has thought about it as he brought it up the other day again. I think you're right though and it was too much to hear, even as a suggestion and I understand why. It's hard to hear you might be different. I won't bring it up again. Maybe just leave him to think about it if he wants to. I don't want to make him feel bad especially if he's struggling anyway.

 

[Lilybell]

Thanks...but I'm just a remorseful man. Not even sure if what I know now would have been enough to save my relationships with Neurotypical women. I just went so long without knowing what I did that was so problematic when interacting with others. Wondering how different things might have been had I known so much earlier.

You sound like you understand yourself very well and understand us too. Sadly we can't change the past but we can make a better future. It's never too late.

 

[Judge]

I think he has thought about it as he brought it up the other day again. I think you're right though and it was too much to hear, even as a suggestion and I understand why. It's hard to hear you might be different. I won't bring it up again. Maybe just leave him to think about it if he wants to. I don't want to make him feel bad especially if he's struggling anyway.

It's not an easy thing to pursue. At first glance, it amused me but I was completely convinced that no, I didn't have this. But I kept digging...and denying....until I got to a point where I couldn't anymore. My logic got the best of me...

It's just weird to look back at all the questions you ever have about yourself and discover there is something central to most- or all of it. Then all of a sudden it's like your entire life suddenly makes sense. For better or for worse.

It IS a struggle at times. But it's better to have a roadmap of sorts than be completely lost.

A cornerstone of dealing with it all though, is to emphasize a simple truth. This is about being different- not necessarily deficient.

 

[Lilybell]

Judge has done a great job of explaining any giving insight into your situation.

Reading about your emotional state, arguments your having and the way your boyfriend is reacting I feel anxious as if I was there.
If I were involved in the relationship I know I'd be having all kinds of melt downs.
I don't really understand why you compare yourself to his colleague/friend? Relationships are so different depending on the level of intimacy, so your boyfriend won't treat you the same as anyone else.
If going on holiday with his friend is a yearly occurrence it would be illogical to him that he wouldn't go or that he'd go with you instead.
As judge has said it's not personal in anyway.

I wasn't comparing myself to his friend. I was just curious as to why he feels suffocated a few hours with me, but can spend a week with someone, but I wasn't thinking about the emotion involved, I thought the post was referring to being around people in general and how it gets too much. I'm trying really hard to understand but sometimes I get it wrong.

Also I wouldn't expect him to go on holiday with me instead of his friend. Or not go at all. He's been doing it for over 20 years. He deserves a break, he works way too hard. I'm sorry if you thought I'd said that.

 

[Lilybell]

It's not an easy thing to pursue. At first glance, it amused me but I was completely convinced that no, I didn't have this. But I kept digging...and denying....until I got to a point where I couldn't anymore. My logic got the best of me...

It's just weird to look back at all the questions you ever have about yourself and discover there is something central to most- or all of it. Then all of a sudden it's like your entire life suddenly makes sense. For better or for worse.

It IS a struggle at times. But it's better to have a roadmap of sorts than be completely lost.

A cornerstone of dealing with it all though, is to emphasize a simple truth. This is about being different- not necessarily deficient.

How did you come across it in the first place?

You mentioned how his friend might be able to talk to him. Do you think other men really notice things like women. I think his friends probably think he's a little different sometimes but I doubt they'd even think of autism unless they had some knowledge of it.

They do say autism is an extreme male brain. Men tend to be more logical than women. It's like when women fall out, it goes on forever but men say what they need to say and move on. Less emotion involved. Women are emotional creatures. Men are logical.

 

[Judge]

How did you come across it in the first place?

I've posted that a few times. Here's one in some detail:

It was from National Geographic....their "taboo" series on television. "Love affairs" with inanimate objects. One segment focused on this thing called "Aspergers Syndrome" and the man who had it. Never heard of it before.

However at the time what truly got my attention wasn't autism, or even this fellow's preference of having a relationship with a life-sized doll/mannequin. It was his hobby- plastic modelling. That caught and held my attention, because I was able to connect a creative, "solo-hobby" that required no socialization with this thing called "Aspergers Syndrome". (I've been a plastic modeller most of my life.)

After that something nagged at me to investigate the syndrome itself...which eventually brought me here. I learned that I'm not some introverted nerd or jerk. Just someone with a distinct type of neurology different than the majority of the population.

 

[Lilybell]

I've posted that a few times. Here's one in some detail:

So just pure coincidence you found out. I suspect there are many men and women who will never know.

We have a student at school with autism and he cannot really communicate at all. I often wonder what he's thinking. He always looks so stressed. When you ask him if he's ok. He replies 'yes I'm fine' in an angry voice. He often gets upset but cannot tell you why. He tries so hard but then ends up saying he doesn't know. Life just seems so very hard for him :-(

 

[Judge]

I often wonder what he's thinking. He always looks so stressed. When you ask him if he's ok. He replies 'yes I'm fine' in an angry voice. He often gets upset but cannot tell you why. He tries so hard but then ends up saying he doesn't know. Life just seems so very hard for him :-(

I can only really relate my own experience with high-functioning autism. But that said...if one is constantly asked how they feel based on their appearance, it can get tedious for us. You see, we are "books that cannot be judged by their cover". Another dynamic that may seem alien to Neurotypicals.

As for my nickname....lol :

My experience has been that I tend to inadvertently attract attention because I don't smile much. Someone usually asking me, "What's wrong?" when there wasn't necessarily anything wrong at the time.

Just another reason for being called "Judge" as a small child. I always walked around with a serious look on my face with my hands in my pockets. Go figure! Faking a smile? Not my nature.

 

[Lilybell]

I can only really relate my own experience with high-functioning autism. But that said...if one is constantly asked how they feel based on their appearance, it can get tedious for us. You see, we are "books that cannot be judged by their cover". Another dynamic that may seem alien to Neurotypicals.

As for my nickname....lol :

Can you recommend a good book to read that will help me understand. I have been on various training courses for autism with my job but always run by NT's and they don't really seem to understand either. You'd be great at educating people in schools

 

[Judge]

Can you recommend a good book to read that will help me understand. I have been on various training courses for autism with my job but always run by NT's and they don't really seem to understand either. You'd be great at educating people in schools

Actually there's a whole section in this forum on that subject. Probably the first book I would always think of though would be Dr. Tony Attwood's "The Complete Guide to Aspergers Syndrome".

Me great at formally educating people? LOL...about six months ago in another forum a Neurotypical angrily warned me never to attempt such a thing. I assured them I have no intention of doing so. In this instance though you can relate to what I say because I can relate to your significant other. It makes it easy for me.

Yet I see this scenario as an exception compared to more often than not where I experience some degree of hostility from Neurotypicals who disagree with me. Especially if they really have no experience or understanding in communicating with people on the spectrum of autism in the first place. One or two words they don't appreciate, and I'm completely on the defensive. On the other hand, your tolerance for this sort of thing seems amazing, quite honestly. Most women would have probably run from this man you care for without a second thought.

And speaking to a room full of people as opposed to one or two tops....OMG. Major stress for me. I used to train people in a corporate environment, but under rather controlled circumstances. For me that's about as good as it gets.

https://www.aspiescentral.com/threads/the-complete-guide-to-aspergers-syndrome.5457/

http://www.tonyattwood.com.au/

 

[Lilybell]

Actually there's a whole section in this forum on that subject. Probably the first book I would always think of though would be Dr. Tony Attwood's "The Complete Guide to Aspergers Syndrome".

Me great at formally educating people? LOL...about six months ago in another forum a Neurotypical angrily warned me never to attempt such a thing. I assured them I have no intention of doing so. In this instance though you can relate to what I say because I can relate to your significant other. It makes it easy for me.

Yet I see this scenario as an exception compared to more often than not where I experience some degree of hostility from Neurotypicals who disagree with me. Especially if they really have no experience or understanding in communicating with people on the spectrum of autism in the first place. One or two words they don't appreciate, and I'm completely on the defensive.

And speaking to a room full of people as opposed to one or two tops....OMG. Major stress for me. I used to train people in a corporate environment, but under rather controlled circumstances. For me that's about as good as it gets.

https://www.aspiescentral.com/threads/the-complete-guide-to-aspergers-syndrome.5457/

Oh gosh really? I can't imagine you upsetting anyone. You're very good in the way you word things. I guess like you say though, you can relate to my other half and are explaining things he's doing.

I realised after I'd written my last post that speaking to large groups of people would probably be your worst nightmare. Online training would be good I've found more out speaking on here than any course I've been on.

Can I ask a few questions please?

1. Can you explain what it feels like when you are overwhelmed or overloaded and need time out?

2. When you're having your time out what do you do? Do you think about things or just empty your mind and relax?

3. Do you miss people like I would miss someone?

4. Do you get jealous?

5. What does being in a crowded place feel like?

I'm slightly OCD I think and I get an agitated feeling if something is out of place. I can't relax until I've moved it. Are you able to describe what you feel inside when you are needing to shutdown. I'm guessing it's a far worse feeling than that?

Oh and thank you for the link for the book.

 

[Judge]

Oh gosh really? I can't imagine you upsetting anyone. You're very good in the way you word things. I guess like you say though, you can relate to my other half and are explaining things he's doing.

I realised after I'd written my last post that speaking to large groups of people would probably be your worst nightmare. Online training would be good I've found more out speaking on here than any course I've been on.

Can I ask a few questions please?

1. Can you explain what it feels like when you are overwhelmed or overloaded and need time out?

2. When you're having your time out what do you do? Do you think about things or just empty your mind and relax?

3. Do you miss people like I would miss someone?

4. Do you get jealous?

5. What does being in a crowded place feel like?

I'm slightly OCD I think and I get an agitated feeling if something is out of place. I can't relax until I've moved it. Are you able to describe what you feel inside when you are needing to shutdown. I'm guessing it's a far worse feeling than that?

Oh and thank you for the link for the book.

Spend ten minutes with me in person and you might mistake me for being Neurotypical. Ten hours...that's another matter.

1. In the simplest way to explain it, being overwhelmed/overloaded evokes a flight/fight response from me. If I begin to sense I'm going to experience a shutdown, the first thing I do is physically remove myself from humanity in as much as is possible.

2. In a shutdown situation (I'm not prone to meltdowns) apart from not interacting with anyone I'm apt to be in an environment that is as quiet as is possible...where the loudest noise may be my own thoughts and heartbeat and little else.

3. That's the saddest part of my autism. Yes, I can miss people terribly. But I can also crave solitude to the point of pushing away those people I care about. It's not logical. It just happens. So "rationing" my time with people I care about deeply helps me to sustain my sanity as well as whatever relationship I might have with someone.

4. Interesting question. I don't think this is related to autism, but I'm not really sure. Few people here seem to share this particular trait. That is, I don't experience jealousy or envy like most people appear to. And yes, it can be problematic at times.

5. Crowded places? Oh my. Probably the easiest way for me to slowly and quietly get very tense. To that point where my fight/flight response kicks in. The classic scenario- a crowded shopping mall at Christmas. After so many minutes of people rushing all around me, I became tense, felt my heart rate increase...and nauseous. Had to bail and I did. Sat in my car for a half hour or so to recover. The resolved to shop at less crowded places where total strangers didn't so easily violate my personal space.

OCD? I was formally diagnosed with that and chronic clinical depression in 1982. Only to realize decades later that both are comorbid to my autism. Oh yes...you should see my immediate environment. Where everything has its place..relative to being parallel or perpendicular to everything else. With extreme attention to detail. It wears me out. And then I also have other aspects of OCD considerably more bizarre that I manage to keep to myself. Rituals of constantly having to check locks...alarms that sort of thing. And occasional thoughts of terrible consequences for benign things. Like superstition on steroids. Utterly illogical, yet I cannot seem to push such thoughts out of my head.

To let someone into my life on an intimate level...they might eventually think I was stark-raving mad.

 

[Lilybell]

Spend ten minutes with me in person and you might mistake me for being Neurotypical. Ten hours...that's another matter.

1. In the simplest way to explain it, being overwhelmed/overloaded evokes a flight/fight response from me. If I begin to sense I'm going to experience a shutdown, the first thing I do is physically remove myself from humanity in as much as is possible.

2. In a shutdown situation (I'm not prone to meltdowns) apart from not interacting with anyone I'm apt to be in an environment that is as quiet as is possible...where the loudest noise may be my own thoughts and heartbeat and little else.

3. That's the saddest part of my autism. Yes, I can miss people terribly. But I can also crave solitude to the point of pushing away those people I care about. It's not logical. It just happens. So "rationing" my time with people I care about deeply helps me to sustain my sanity as well as whatever relationship I might have with someone.

4. Interesting question. I don't think this is related to autism, but I'm not really sure. Few people here seem to share this particular trait. That is, I don't experience jealousy or envy like most people appear to. And yes, it can be problematic at times.

5. Crowded places? Oh my. Probably the easiest way for me to slowly and quietly get very tense. To that point where my fight/flight response kicks in. The classic scenario- a crowded shopping mall at Christmas. After so many minutes of people rushing all around me, I became tense, felt my heart rate increase...and nauseous. Had to bail and I did. Sat in my car for a half hour or so to recover. The resolved to shop at less crowded places where total strangers didn't so easily violate my personal space.

OCD? I was formally diagnosed with that and chronic clinical depression in 1982. Only to realize decades later that both are comorbid to my autism. Oh yes...you should see my immediate environment. Where everything has its place..relative to being parallel or perpendicular to everything else. With extreme attention to detail. It wears me out. And then I also have other aspects of OCD considerably more bizarre that I manage to keep to myself. Rituals of constantly having to check locks...alarms that sort of thing. And occasional thoughts of terrible consequences for benign things. Like superstition on steroids. Utterly illogical, yet I cannot seem to push such thoughts out of my head.

To let someone into my life on an intimate level...they might eventually think I was stark-raving mad.

It sounds totally exhausting.

Trying to understand how my other half feels when he's overloaded with emotion. If I can try understand how it feels then I can understand the need for space.

I love people and being around them so it's really hard to imagine the opposite.

I know one day he got off the train because it was too busy and sat at the station for an hour waiting for the next one. My son is the same so I kind of understood that one.

It's the shutting me out i struggle with. Because for me if I care I need to be around that person or have regular contact but to not want to is because I don't care for that person or want to be around them.

I struggle to understand how you need to be away from someone you care about. It means the opposite to me. Do you think about them in that time or do you erase them from your thoughts? Do you miss them in that time or not give them a thought? I'm sorry if I'm asking too many questions. The more I can understand the more I'll be able to accept it for what it is