Need advise guys :(

[RosaViolet]

And of course the aspie does not need to change. I think entering a relationships with the expectation to change and reform the partner are misguided and end in failure. The relationship is about accepting and loving the person they way they are.

Aspie guy hasn’t betrayed you by realizing he isn’t ready... What else could he do? Pretend to be happy every day? You wouldn’t want him to go through that.
It’s understandable that you feel depressed and fragile, but you can’t blame Aspie guy for how you feel, it’s your responsibility to deal with your own feelings.

 

[Uglytruth]

I suggest stay away from this mess: cheating, on top of that with a guy who dont want to commit...

Can you get out of your abusive marriage? Or at least do good things that you like.. Hang out with close family...

I have a strong support of friends and family and they are always there for me.
You are correct and I know that I shouldn’t be even thinking about him but it’s just hard. Feeling that everyone you trust breaks your heart. More than cheating I just saw it as a hope to be with someone who could treat me right but this is not clearly what I got. After talking to him today I got to know that he doesn’t even think about us or whatever happened. I have decided to move on from this mess, hoping to stay strong.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

I don't think it was established that anyone lied, but even if he did, if someone you barely know lies, I dont see how that can be surprising or a betrayal. If being lied into sex is hurtful for someone, it might be a good idea to wait longer and get to know them to the point that you can reasonably trust them. I got to the point where I assumed their declarations of attachments and deep feelings were lies and just went along with it.

He lied when he said he wanted to make things work. "Make things work" means you better have a very good reason for breaking up with someone. He does not have one. And this is entirely separate from the issue that screwing around with people you have no interest in forming a relationship with is completely broken in the first place.

From an Autistic and logical standpoint you are completely correct on the trust thing. She should not have trusted some random guy she barely knew to not attempt to manipulate her into sex. She should have been wiser. But that does not excuse his behaviour. I remember someone telling a story of a friend's girlfriend that was pregnant and got beaten up in a park at 11 PM while jogging and she lost the baby. Being totally logical and Autistic the first thing I said was "Who the hell goes jogging at 11 PM in a park?". Obviously that was met with utter shock, and in return I was shocked when one of them actually said "Everyone knows you are correct but you just don't say that". I never expected to be told I was correct in that case

Long story short, someone's lack of responsibility does not excuse taking advantage of that.

 

[Uglytruth]

OP it is clear from your post that you are having a hard time dealing with your emotions and recovering from the abuse. It takes time to make a transition from one relationship to another at best of times. You probably heard of relationships on the rebound. People sort of latch onto a new partner for support and to heal, but deep inside they are not ready to the new relationship. They are dealing with the previous one and not really invested in the new partner. Such relationships often create more problems than they solve for both individuals and go on to be broken and dysfunctional..

Recovering from abuse makes it much more complicated. Abuse victims often have very specific set of psychological factors, self esteem is one of them, the ability to recognise and assert one's need is another. These problems need to be addressed in order to prevent the pattern of falling from one abusive relationship into another, as it is often the case. Abuse victims are not functioning well emotionally and psychologically on the inside. They need time, process and support to recover and rebuild themselves.

Being reliant on another person to manage one's emotions and identities is part of the dysfunctional pattern that makes people prone to abuse.

Do you have access to any support structures, you family? Could you contact any woman support organisations that could advice and provide some support and resources recovering from abuse? Perhaps some counselling / therapy?
You need a dedicated support at this stage, not necessarily another romantic relationship.

I am sure your aspie really wanted to give it a try and to do his best. I would believe him saying he cares about you and wanted to be engaged romantically. However it is a testimony to his respect and care for you, and his self insight that he recognised the complexity of the situation and told you openly that it is not the right time for him to be in your life. It would do no good for either of you.

Divorce if of course the other point.
If you husband is abusive, you certainly need to separate and divorce as soon as possible, certainly not to go back. That would just prolong the cycle of agony. Please try to talk to some advice charities.

I know what you are saying, I thought I have built myself enough to feel again, before this I never thought of a romantic relationship ever with anyone. This just happened. I would have never done this or never gotten so much hurt if it wasn’t for the physical intimacy part. I feel used and rejected and what hurts the most he doesn’t even think about it. He led me on and then stepped back.
I start therapy soon and I am hoping to get all courage I need to get past this. I should have known better, I feel disappointed in me. And yes low self esteem just makes it worst. I have been through all the lows to know this is not the end of the world but the process of moving past this is killing me and giving me so much anxiety. Like I wanted one thing to work with someone I thought was a good person but they ran away.
As far as my marriage is concerned I have decided to give it one last shot. I will end it as soon as I see one instance of abuse or red flag, my husband doesn’t live in the same state so easier to separate and move on now..Also I have decided to do further studies and got into a school away from this guy and closer to my family, I just don’t want to mess things up thinking about this and lose focus on studies and work.

 

[BraidedPony]

Your mother should have prepared you much better for life. It was her responsibility to have taught you how to deal with men. Now, unfortunately, you are having to learn the hard way. It isnt your fault you trusted someone that, in your mind, would offer you love and comfort when you need it most.
Good luck with working things out with your husband. Keep the phone number of the closest women's shelter in your phone and name it something like "nail salon" not shelter.
You are a very smart, open and resilient young woman. I think you will thrive.

 

[Jojo_LB]

Thank you for reading my post and responding. This really helps.
I understand and know that I should have known better before getting myself into this, but trust me I was cautious and I would have never initiated this if he didn’t pursued. What saddens me the most is it came from his side to try to make it work, he asked me to sleep over which was a big deal for me as I haven’t been with anybody else but my husband and then 2 days later he tells me he can’t be more than friends. More than everything I am angry at myself for trusting someone and getting hurt all over again. I had a really difficult time building myself up piece by piece when my marriage turned abusive, so this incident has left me even more vulnerable and I feel like I have lost my self respect. He wants to be friends but I don’t know if I could do that as some part of me feels lost and betrayed. I am emotionally over my husband but the thought of divorce makes me very anxious. I thought if I meet someone who could treat me right may be I could make the decision of ending my marriage. I know it sounds stupid but after a long time I felt so happy.

I felt very compelled to respond after reading the above, because I went through something similar a few years ago and my experience might help you a little bit, if not now, then maybe for the future.

I met my current husband (I'm aspie, he's not, but he is not neurotypical) while I was still married to my daughter's father back in January 2012. By that time, I had long checked out emotionally from the marriage. I did try. I was honest, I said I wanted to try therapy with him, marriage counseling, etc., because I felt like our relationship was falling apart and we were so awful to each other. We fought all the time. I was a monster when I was with him. I hated who I had become. He was so possessive and wanted to control me. He didn't listen. He didn't believe in therapy. I was desperate and in such a dark place.

I met my current husband when we were both students at the same college. I was not looking for anyone at all. In fact, I swore to myself I would not want to be with anyone after I left my husband. I wanted to try being by myself for a while. But he and I fell for each other extremely fast and extremely hard. This was very confusing to me because I didn't even know I was capable of having such strong feelings for someone so fast (at the time I didn't know I was on the spectrum). We tried to reason that it wasn't a good time for us to pursue anything because I was in such a complicated position. But when feelings are so strong, sometimes the logical things you tell yourself to do seem almost impossible.

I won't go into details about the horrible times that followed. But from the time my first husband found out about this "emotional affair" with my now-husband a few months later that year, until our divorce finalized in December 2017 (!!), my life was pure hell.

I am sorry you are feeling "betrayed" by this guy, but as others have said here I don't think that he was trying to lead you on. We aspies (well most of us), don't know how to do such things. We are honest, don't know how to lie or keep up appearances or give semblance of anything to belie thoughts or facts to spare others. Or if we do lie to try to spare others, most can tell because we aren't good at it.

But I think the most important thing here is to leave your husband before you pursue anything with anyone else, even if you've already emotionally checked out. I certainly did not expect to meet someone I thought was absolutely perfect for me at the worst possible time. Things happen. Things that cause a huge amount of pain and inconvenience happen. We can't help who we fall for, we can't control the timing of when the perfect ones cross our paths. But you can't expect to have a healthy, long-term relationship with anyone if 1) you haven't left your abusive husband yet and 2) you expect the next person in your life to fill some voids.

I messed up big time and was guilty of both of those things. And we suffered for it. I don't know if my daughter was affected a lot because I moved heaven and earth to make sure she was protected from the turmoil, but I'm sure she was affected to a small degree no matter how hard I tried. We put in a massive amount of work to stay together, the kind of work most people wouldn't put up with 'cause it takes everything out of you.

I'm not saying that getting into a new relationship while you're in this situation is setting up for definite failure. I'm saying there is a very high chance of failure. So the wisest thing you can do is sort your life out, seek help, build confidence in yourself before you try again. You made the right decision to just let this guy go and seek therapy. I would say though that your husband is not likely to change. But it's good you have some distance from him sometimes. And lean on your support system. You're lucky you have one. I wish you all the best.

 

[RosaViolet]

He lied when he said he wanted to make things work.

We don't know that. He is not here to speak for himself, so there is no point presenting such speculative opinions as certainties.

"Make things work" means you better have a very good reason for breaking up with someone. He does not have one. And this is entirely separate from the issue that screwing around with people you have no interest in forming a relationship with is completely broken in the first place.

This is totally unreasonable ridiculous double standard to apply to an aspie while it is not applicable to anyone else in the modern world, not even in any time past. Nobody could seriously expected the Bf to be duty bound to OP while she is considering to continue with her husband. She is not committed to her Bf, she just has emotional needs for the transition. Not only isn't she divorced, she keeps on talking about going back to her abusive husband. This is a huge red flag to any Bf and the aspie was right to run away before being sucked into a mire and getting hurt. OP remains confused on her emotions and intentions. The aspie is not duty bound to drawn in clog mire of the emotional and practical mess.

Look at it from the Bf point of view, OP is in two minds. While the Bf could see her needs, he ought to have discovered that she is neither ready nor committed to the relationship with him. From his point of view it would be totally reasonably to think that she is potentially using him for emotional support, while nothing good would come out of this for the Bf himself. He is totally in his right to have change his mind and withdrawn. It is to his credit that he did it soon and openly. Very honest and honorable conduct. He even didn't blame OP for it and took it on himself. A true gentleman.

OP and her bf are two consenting adults. They both have free will. They both understand the 'risks'. Her bf is not forever bound to her no matter how inappropriate the relationship is for him, just because they got close to explore the possibility of a relationship with each - other. This is how all relationships work, you have to jump in and take some risks. Both OP and her bf are free to stay or leave. It is not different because he has Aspergers.

And yes low self esteem just makes it worst. I have been through all the lows to know this is not the end of the world but the process of moving past this is killing me and giving me so much anxiety.

This is the priority really. OP, you are anxious moving past your husband and need support sorting yourself out. Your emotional state needs to stabilise first. An aspie is not the ideal natural therapist for someone else's anxiety. He just recognised that and stepped aside.

As far as my marriage is concerned I have decided to give it one last shot. I will end it as soon as I see one instance of abuse or red flag, my husband doesn’t live in the same state so easier to separate and move on now..

This is a very bad idea. You will get more psychological damage this way. You really need to take advantage of the current separation and move on definitively.

But I think the most important thing here is to leave your husband before you pursue anything with anyone else, even if you've already emotionally checked out. ...But you can't expect to have a healthy, long-term relationship with anyone if 1) you haven't left your abusive husband yet and 2) you expect the next person in your life to fill some voids.

This

So the wisest thing you can do is sort your life out, seek help, build confidence in yourself before you try again.

And this.

 

[Fino]

Do not give an abusive person another chance, ever.

 

[Uglytruth]

Do not give an abusive person another chance, ever.

Thank you for all your advise.
Some of the things being said here are hurtful as nobody knows the things I have gone through or how difficult it is for me to deal with everything on a daily basis. I appreciate all your responses.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

We don't know that. He is not here to speak for himself, so there is no point presenting such speculative opinions as certainties.

Either OP is lying about the fact that he lied, or he lied. Either way, I smell a lie.

This is totally unreasonable ridiculous double standard to apply to an aspie while it is not applicable to anyone else in the modern world, not even in any time past. Nobody could seriously expected the Bf to be duty bound to OP while she is considering to continue with her husband. She is not committed to her Bf, she just has emotional needs for the transition. Not only isn't she divorced, she keeps on talking about going back to her abusive husband. This is a huge red flag to any Bf and the aspie was right to run away before being sucked into a mire and getting hurt. OP remains confused on her emotions and intentions. The aspie is not duty bound to drawn in clog mire of the emotional and practical mess.

Look at it from the Bf point of view, OP is in two minds. While the Bf could see her needs, he ought to have discovered that she is neither ready nor committed to the relationship with him. From his point of view it would be totally reasonably to think that she is potentially using him for emotional support, while nothing good would come out of this for the Bf himself. He is totally in his right to have change his mind and withdrawn. It is to his credit that he did it soon and openly. Very honest and honorable conduct. He even didn't blame OP for it and took it on himself. A true gentleman.

OP and her bf are two consenting adults. They both have free will. They both understand the 'risks'. Her bf is not forever bound to her no matter how inappropriate the relationship is for him, just because they got close to explore the possibility of a relationship with each - other. This is how all relationships work, you have to jump in and take some risks. Both OP and her bf are free to stay or leave. It is not different because he has Aspergers.

Did I say it only goes for those with Autism? Not lying in order to get sex is obviously too much to ask in this day and age. It's pretty sad that you are sticking up for this type of person... wait... maybe you are also that type of person? It would sure explain your tenacity.

Marriage is nothing more than a scam contract that the government uses in order to gain leverage over your finances. There's a zillion reasons one could not have been able to divorce. From OP's words she was ready for something serious with this dude. If her situation was a problem for him he should have said so. But he didn't. Until he got to have sex. Yes, a true gentleman doesn't say anything until he has at least had sex. I mean if someone is in love with you then that demands you take advantage of that so you can orgasm, right?!

Consenting would have been if he said "Look, I would just really like to have sex with you but I don't think a long-term thing is in the cards". But he lied. That's the problem. He said he wanted something more, when he didn't. Don't go all gung-ho sticking up for a guy that's clearly a scumbag just because he's Autistic.

 

[RosaViolet]

@AloneNotLonely, please just consider that you might just be getting a bit too black and white.

People are complex beings, so are their thoughts and intentions. Mine certainly are.
Relationships are very complex.
People get in relationships with various, sometimes conflicting hopes, desires and anxieties, they also bring in their emotional baggage.
Relationship are always ambivalent, I think I like her, maybe, maybe she likes me...
I believe vast majority of people start relationships with good intentions
Relationships are double edge, both need to jump in, both can be hurt, both need to take a little risk.
People usually get closer before falling apart, otherwise there is no way to tell
Nobody commits to a relationship before it started, that would be forced marriage
Relations are always reactions and counteractions, only the two people really know what is happening
Each of the two people would have a different side of the story to tell
It will always be subjective and emotional

So of course what OP is saying is a subjective representation of her perception of the situation,
not the 'truth' [as her username suggests].

Nobody necessarily lied. They tried and it didn't work.

The talk about sex is just a stereotype about men. He deprived himself from further sex by walking away.

A true abuser and narcissist would actually stay, enjoy sex and pretend to care while gaslighting, manipulating and emotionally abusing OP. This is where the risk is for her, not in a guy walking out on her.

Aspies suffer from a lot of stereotypes so there is no need to add.

Aspies are not voodoo dolls to pin for everything that goes wrong in NT life. Most often NT problems have nothing to do with autism. Or even mostly to do with themselves, not their partner, NT or not

 

[Fino]

If he said he wanted something more, had sex, then changed his mind the next day, he didn't lie. And we have no way of knowing that isn't the case. Simple as that. What could all these other words be for?

 

[AloneNotLonely]

The talk about sex is just a stereotype about men. He deprived himself from further sex by walking away.

I'm a guy. So it's easy for me to see through the facade of "I don't know". A guy always knows. The only time a guy doesn't know is if the woman turns out to be a psycho or there's something important she didn't tell him. This is always in hindsight. Other than that, you know. It's not a stereotype, it's evolutionary biology. As a man you constantly have to fight that, and if you give in then you are a worthless piece of garbage. I had a dog that had more self-restraint when it came to sex, so that's how bad it is.

You don't change your mind after being in the mindset of "I want more" within 2 days. That's called a lie. He just wanted to "try her out" and decided that he wanted to try out some others as well. Obviously he's not stupid, he's not going to keep her around because he knows she wants more. That's just asking for trouble.

And again you bring up the Autism thing. This is not about Autism. You can stop using that as an excuse, and stop lumping other Autistic guys like me in with trash like him. This reflects badly on the rest of us.

If you think it's great that a guy first tells you he loves you and wants something serious with you and then he tells you right after having sex that he doesn't want anything serious then I guess you are not going to have a problem with that. But for any sane person that has values and isn't trapped in the abyss of daily hookups and tinder it causes extreme grief.

 

[paloftoon]

Do not give an abusive person another chance, ever.

I'm a bit different and don't simplify things. This can be good and bad.
The chance you give a physically abusive person is to meet them in-person in public places only and with other people around both of you.

An emotionally abusive person- it depends on the context. If they didn't know what they were doing, and especially if they are willing to admit their faults if you let them talk with you, then you could end up with a good friend.

Physical abuse is a harder thing to excuse. If you even want to consider excusing it, I think therapy sessions would have to be in order at the very least. Maybe even make it an ultimatum that the person who physically abused you attends the therapy sessions with you, and even then, be clear that your feelings don't have to change even after that. If the over physicalness was due more to someone being into you rather than taking advantage of you, that is different too. Context is important. I don't like ultimatums. Sometimes simple is better than complicated. Sometimes not.

You will know the answer best for you, OP.

 

[Mary Lyn]

paloftoon have you ever been in an abusive relationship? I doubt it. They do not change and if they have a cluster B personality disorder, therapy makes them worse.

 

[Jojo_LB]

No one should be expected to remain with an abusive person, ever. Whether the abuser commits physical, emotional, sexual or whatever abuse, or a combination of all of those, the victim needs to save themselves and it is understandable if they refuse trying to consider reconciling with or showing compassion to their abuser. What is often the case is that abusers love power over others. The more vulnerable the victim the better. They take full advantage of that. Therefore, abusive people do not deserve patience or understanding.

However, there is one caveat that comes to mind. I do believe that in some uncommon cases, someone who is being abusive doesn't know the full extent of how much harm they're causing. This can happen when the person learns some very unhealthy things from people in their lives, or society, or the media, and they aren't taught properly how to treat others in a decent and humane manner. In such a case, the person is being abusive because of a strong need for self-preservation (acting very defensively), or has serious problems and an almost non-existent sense of self-worth, and they easily lash out at others, especially those who are close to them because they're the easiest targets. We tend to have the highest expectations of the people who are close to us. Abusive people can perceive their loved ones' failures to meet their often unreasonable expectations as personal attacks. They internalize that treating others as their figurative and literal punching bags is an appropriate way to deal with their own problems, because they see themselves as unfortunate victims too.

Now, I am in no way excusing those who fall into that group. They're abusers, plain and simple, and should be labeled as such. It is entirely their responsibility to recognize and own up to their harmful ways and vow to put a stop to them completely. If they refuse to change, then they deserve the label of abuser for as long as they live, and should be avoided and even shunned by all who encounter them. But perhaps consider the small percentage of abusers who realize that they need to change and actively seek help so they can deal with their own personal issues in more healthy ways. They work to stop the cycle. They can redeem themselves.

Does that mean that the people they abused must extend forgiveness to them? No. It is up to the victim to heal however way they want and need to heal. Maybe their former abuser, who is now reformed and working actively to do better, did something considered unforgivable to the victim. Well, that's unfortunate for the person who is reformed but that is a price they'll have to accept for their past crappy, harmful behavior.

Anyway, sorry for babbling and rambling on and on. My head is often full of dozens of thoughts at any given moment. There's not even a point to anything I just typed other than to just ponder about something, in case you want something to ponder deeply about

But I do maintain (going back to original post), that we can't assume the guy used OP for any personal gain or some cruel pleasure. And yes, it certainly is possible to suddenly change one's mind in that situation. It's happened, it does happen, and it will continue to happen. It's the mind, after all. How can any one of us make any definitive claims about how the human mind works in a given situation, anyway? It does seem only from the information given that the guy may have wanted something more out of the relationship, maybe even genuinely enjoyed OP's companionship and liked her as a person too, but perhaps got confused at some point along the way about whether or not he wanted to be serious with her. He decided that the best thing to do was not take the relationship to the next step because he just wasn't sure. Yes, we can question and talk about whether or not there was a better way to handle it, but that would be kind of useless at this point. And it would be wrong of us to just assume the guy was intentionally being a jerk when there were no definitive signs of any intentional jerk behavior. We don't know him, we don't know the OP. We only throw some ideas out based on what information we're given.

 

[Fino]

I'm a guy. So it's easy for me to see through the facade of "I don't know". A guy always knows. The only time a guy doesn't know is if the woman turns out to be a psycho or there's something important she didn't tell him. This is always in hindsight. Other than that, you know. It's not a stereotype, it's evolutionary biology. As a man you constantly have to fight that, and if you give in then you are a worthless piece of garbage. I had a dog that had more self-restraint when it came to sex, so that's how bad it is.

You don't change your mind after being in the mindset of "I want more" within 2 days. That's called a lie. He just wanted to "try her out" and decided that he wanted to try out some others as well. Obviously he's not stupid, he's not going to keep her around because he knows she wants more. That's just asking for trouble.

And again you bring up the Autism thing. This is not about Autism. You can stop using that as an excuse, and stop lumping other Autistic guys like me in with trash like him. This reflects badly on the rest of us.

If you think it's great that a guy first tells you he loves you and wants something serious with you and then he tells you right after having sex that he doesn't want anything serious then I guess you are not going to have a problem with that. But for any sane person that has values and isn't trapped in the abyss of daily hookups and tinder it causes extreme grief.

It sounds like you may have shifted from the OP's experience to an experience of yours.

How is it obvious that someone we've never met isn't stupid?

I don't see anything about him saying he loved her.

He didn't say anything differently right after sex, I believe it was a day or two later.

"Any sane person will agree with me" isn't a great argument to use in public.

"I'm a guy, therefore I know this guy's thoughts," is also not so great.

 

[RosaViolet]

An emotionally abusive person- it depends on the context.

Abuse is bad in all contexts, if it is abuse.

make it an ultimatum that the person who physically abused you attends the therapy sessions with you

I really feel we need to be careful.

Staying / going back to an abusive relationship and doing counselling with the abuser is a very bad idea and a dangerous advice. Charities helping women to escape abusive relationships recommend to never stay/go back and to not do counselling because the abuser will manipulate the process for more abuse. Real abusers deliberately hurt because they enjoy it, they will manipulate, gaslight and subvert any counselling to retain the abusive control they want. Abusive relationships are not harmless, they cause huge psychological harm, traumatise people and can also lead to physical abuse and murder. One Woman Aid charity quotes that 75% of women killed by abusive partners are killed within one year of leaving the relationship. So it is very misguided to advise to go back and do counselling.

https://www.thehotline.org/2014/08/...couples-counseling-for-abusive-relationships/

Why Couples Counseling Doesn't Work in Abusive Relationships

Could anyone give OP links to women shelter charities who could advise on the abusive relationship and how to get out?

 

[paloftoon]

paloftoon have you ever been in an abusive relationship? I doubt it. They do not change and if they have a cluster B personality disorder, therapy makes them worse.

No, thankfully.
The thing about Cluster B personality disorder, when I looked it up, a lot of those characteristics could describe how many of us may appear to others even though that is not our intention at all.

Cluster B personality disorders - Wikipedia

Maybe in some of these cases, I should be saying sign up for the Dr. Phil show rather than go to a regular therapist.
You want to feel safe in life, but sometimes it's good to take educated risks and deal with the consequences. I guess I am more open to take educated risks because over paranoia has ruined many potential connections with good people for me.
In the end, you are the person that knows what's best for you during your present time.
Get all the knowledge you can and then make your decisions.

 

[Fino]

In the end, you are the person that knows what's best for you during your present time.

I'm not completely sure if this is true either.

But it is useful to know, for anyone involved in an abusive relationship, when hearing/reading your advice, to know that you've never experienced it yourself. I'm not saying it invalidates it, but I do think it's relevant.