Need advise guys :(

[paloftoon]

I'm not completely sure if this is true either.

But it is useful to know, for anyone involved in an abusive relationship, when hearing/reading your advice, to know that you've never experienced it yourself. I'm not saying it invalidates it, but I do think it's relevant.

Now that I think about it, I've arguably been involved in a 36 year emotionally abusive relationship actually. It was with a close relative.

My way to get out of it was to become as independent as possible and demand respect when things came up and not to just always agree with what was said.

What made it tricky was that all this was layered with true love, and I realized that with the complications of things such as financially that were intertwined for the right reasons and that I need I was truly loved, that I shouldn't close the door completely. However, I should react differently and handle things on my own.

 

[Fino]

And my experiences resulted in an opposite lesson that the door needs to be closed completely or suffering will never end.

So both of our conclusions make sense when looking at our experiences.

Which I like.

 

[Jojo_LB]

For those of us who have been emotionally abused by someone we considered close to us, it's a lot harder to tell when their treatment of us crosses the line to abusive, because they do love us, or they want to make it seem like they love us so we have a hard time leaving them or cutting them out of our lives.

I've had some interesting experiences with emotional abuse. my mother was emotionally abusive towards me. I vowed to never let her get close to me again and to always assume that she will treat me like crap every time I see her.

But something weird happened. A couple of years ago, she attempted to apologize to me. She never sought therapy for her own issues, but I think I have some accurate ideas as to why she treated me the way she did. I am not excusing her, and I am not sure yet if I will choose to forgive her fully. But I am very slowly letting her in little by little. I still try to keep a safe physical and emotional distance in case she goes back to her horrible ways, and she knows that I am very cautious around her.

So in a way, you can say that I am giving my abuser another chance. I can see just how complex a subject abuse can be.

But one thing is for sure. Victims of abuse need a lot of help, guidance, and to prioritize their own safety over anyone else's (and others more vulnerable than they are, such as children). We can't judge what decisions they make for themselves, because leaving an abusive situation is a lot harder than most (people who have never experienced abuse) think it is. All we can do is hope they make the best decision, whatever that is, as long as they can remain safe and not continue being caught in the cycle of abuse.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

It sounds like you may have shifted from the OP's experience to an experience of yours.

How is it obvious that someone we've never met isn't stupid?

I don't see anything about him saying he loved her.

He didn't say anything differently right after sex, I believe it was a day or two later.

"Any sane person will agree with me" isn't a great argument to use in public.

"I'm a guy, therefore I know this guy's thoughts," is also not so great.

I don't recall ever having been lied to or lying to someone to get sex. Not sure which you were referring to.

My argument was not an appeal to popularity, as the vast majority of this world is not sane but insane. I would be surprised and consider it more than I expected if 1% of people agree with my points.

Based on someone's past actions it's very easy to infer motivation. I was basicly being told what guys think and do and what is a myth and what isn't, when simple evolutionary programming suggests otherwise. No guy wants the word to get out that guys have this urge in their veins to have sex with as many pretty girls as possible, because all of a sudden they have to take responsibility and use the big head instead of the little head. Likewise women have evolutionary programming that requires them to take responsibility and think instead of doing whatever feels good for the ovaries, so they don't get off either, in case you were thinking I'm "that kind of guy".

Excuses like "Oh I didn't know" actually mean "I was just doing whatever felt good in the moment and didn't give a damn about the consequences". Front all you want, but I can see them for what they are: excuses that garbage uses to keep up a good social appearance.

 

[RosaViolet]

Cluster B personality disorder, when I looked it up, a lot of those characteristics could describe how many of us may appear to others

I am sorry but at some point one need a touch of reality. It doesn't matter what might 'appear' to prejudiced ignorant people. They always find someone more vulnerable to bully.

Personality disorders have nothing to do with autism and are very well delimited by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM).

Nobody should diagnose or be diagnosed by Wikipedia.
It is the job of qualified professionals to diagnose disorders, and indeed autism, so that errors are not made based on misguided / speculative perception of ill informed and sometimes prejudiced people.

Usually to diagnose autism properly a group of trained professionals use multidisciplinary ADOS assessment that would confirm autism and delimit it from any personality disorder. It assesses autistic people in interactions and tasks and separates it clearly from other conditions.

I don't believe personality disorder characteristics describe autistic people. People who claim that often are conditioned by misinformation or are the source of autism hate misinformation. People exposed to such misinformation may speculate we appear that way because of prejudices they hold or because of myth and stereotypes and half truths they heard about autism but weren't interested to really understand.

Autistic people are often victims of abuse by those personality disordered types. Not the other way around.

 

[RosaViolet]

On the point of sex, I think it demonstrates that it is not really a defining thing. Not at all the big deal it is said to be, actually.

People get in bed knowingly, and impulsively, naughtily and being well intentioned, hypocritically and stupidly, and naively, and based on physiology, and basically as consenting adults that know the rules. Relationships can break for lack of sex, but sex alone cannot keep together or force together people who can't really be happy together.

 

[paloftoon]

I am sorry but at some point one need a touch of reality. It doesn't matter what might 'appear' to prejudiced ignorant people. They always find someone more vulnerable to bully.

Personality disorders have nothing to do with autism and are very well delimited by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM).

Nobody should diagnose or be diagnosed by Wikipedia.
It is the job of qualified professionals to diagnose disorders, and indeed autism, so that errors are not made based on misguided / speculative perception of ill informed and sometimes prejudiced people.

Usually to diagnose autism properly a group of trained professionals use multidisciplinary ADOS assessment that would confirm autism and delimit it from any personality disorder. It assesses autistic people in interactions and tasks and separates it clearly from other conditions.

I don't believe personality disorder characteristics describe autistic people. People who claim that often are conditioned by misinformation or are the source of autism hate misinformation. People exposed to such misinformation may speculate we appear that way because of prejudices they hold or because of myth and stereotypes and half truths they heard about autism but weren't interested to really understand.

Autistic people are often victims of abuse by those personality disordered types. Not the other way around.

I just want to make sure I am clear that I was in no way implying that all or any autistic people are also of Cluster B personality disorder. I am totally on par with what you're saying here, but you expressed it in much more detail. It is fallacies like these that I suspect many people have about our community.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

On the point of sex, I think it demonstrates that it is not really a defining thing. Not at all the big deal it is said to be, actually.

People get in bed knowingly, and impulsively, naughtily and being well intentioned, hypocritically and stupidly, and naively, and based on physiology, and basically as consenting adults that know the rules. Relationships can break for lack of sex, but sex alone cannot keep together or force together people who can't really be happy together.

That still means that it's proper to inform others (You know, the ones you want to have sex with) of your intentions in case they are one of the people that do think it's a big deal. Other people's bodies are not yours to use for your pleasure under false pretenses. That is what is the issue here. Clearly he must have been aware that it is wrong, why would he lie about it otherwise?