Need some help

[pamelaperejil]

So while she says she loves me, love just isn't enough.

I hate to sound harsh, but I rather wonder about that. From what you've said, she doesn't seem to have had compelling reasons to dump you. And nothing changed: she always knew that these things were true about you and about the circumstances, so why the sudden change of heart? She seems a mite unstable and/or self absorbed, if you ask me.

What do I have to offer a woman at my age (43) that she doesn't already have? Because love (which I gave unconditionally in my last 2 relationships now), apparently, is not enough.

That's more than enough and, frankly, more than most women get. It's plenty. She should be so lucky.

 

[Fitzo]

This sounds almost borderliney to me, this business of "OMG, you're so wonderful" and then dumping you two seconds later. Plus, it's generally a bad idea to choose someone with a history of bad relationships as a partner, and you seem to have a habit of doing just that.

I can't comment on the specifics if you won't share them but that's what I would be trying to fix for the future. It doesn't sound like you're the problem. It sounds like you're fine (maybe a few little self esteem problems) except that you keep picking the wrong women. If I were you I would examine why you're attracted to these women in the first place, because I think you're setting yourself up for a fall.

Keep in mind that you had a gut instinct about this and it turned out to be correct. That may be the key for how to avoid these problems in the future.

Anyway, good luck.

I think maybe self esteem issues are the reason for choosing people who are a bit "broken" too. The ones who are "healthy" and full of confidence are just too intimidating!
I think this has been a pattern in my life too.

I wish I knew how to change that and have better self belief, but I never managed it. I do and have in other areas of my life, but not when it comes to relationships. Hence the reason I have been single for the last four years and plan to stay that way. It's just too painful!

 

[DCA]

@DCA, BUT, the does not mean that it is over. I have no real clue how an NT's brain works over things like this, but it seems to me that she has made at least some degree of commitment to a relationship Wirth you, even if she is no longer certain that the terms of it meet her needs.

It might be retrievable, especially since the last 2 times it was. But the big question is: should I? Yes she said this was very hard for her & that she loves me. But what happens a few months down the road & she flakes out again? That starts to become emotional abuse. I give everything I have in a relationship because I know how hard it is to meet people, especially if you're on the spectrum. So I really try to make it work. But if the other party is not really into it, should I even try?

 

[DCA]

I can't comment on the specifics if you won't share them but that's what I would be trying to fix for the future. It doesn't sound like you're the problem. It sounds like you're fine (maybe a few little self esteem problems) except that you keep picking the wrong women. If I were you I would examine why you're attracted to these women in the first place, because I think you're setting yourself up for a fall.

It's not so much that this is what I'm attracted to. But rather that's what I get. Others can correct me if I'm wrong, but being on the spectrum doesn't necessarily mean I get a lot of choices in this area, for a number of reasons.

 

[Fitzo]

It might be retrievable, especially since the last 2 times it was. But the big question is: should I? Yes she said this was very hard for her & that she loves me. But what happens a few months down the road & she flakes out again? That starts to become emotional abuse. I give everything I have in a relationship because I know how hard it is to meet people, especially if you're on the spectrum. So I really try to make it work. But if the other party is not really into it, should I even try?

No.

 

[Ylva]

You could explain it to her if it becomes relevant again. You don't want to commit to an uncertain thing. You have a forum full of people who'd back you on that. And if there are too many objections, you can say "it's not me, it's you". She already said that it was her.

Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. In decision-making I like the list method. It might work for you, it might not.

 

[On the Inside]

I've only had one relationship that I really had trouble dealing with it ending. I was "ghosted" long before there was a name for it. Actually, now I think about it, it was my first relationship.
8
After that, I was generally relieved for relationships to end. My first marriage was difficult in that it was a big change in routine, and I had to tell people that we divorced. I did love her and missed her and her family, but I also felt liberated. After a while, i developed a new routine and I flourished.

I'm in a ltr, going on 16 years, we have a 12 year old. It has been a difficult relationship from early on, but my partner is extremely tenacious despite having a long list of things that make our relationship impossible to continue. Yet we persist. She has told me several times that she wanted to leave.

I dont have anything really to add, other than from my experience the fear and anxiety from percieved or real threats to end the relationship are worse than it happening.

 

[Reu]

I can relate to this.

Recently I’ve done this exercise where I make two lists. The first list is about the situation. So for example you could put the title as ‘why she isn’t visiting’ and list the reasons why, trying to look at what actually is and not what it ‘might’ be. So something like: she is sick, or she doesn’t want to get me sick.

Then the second list is ‘what can I do to help’. So like: send a text saying you’re thinking about her or you hope she feels better soon. Or dropping off some tea. Also ‘let her have time to get better’

I usually feel better after writing it out and I’m able to think a little clearer and understand the situation better.

My mind works logically so I make logic work for me.

 

[OlLiE]

just make sure open communication is always there
trust your partner, until they have prove themselves unworthy of it

beware the 'self fulfilling prophecy' - if you project insecurity at your partner > they risk interpreting it as lack of trust > creates a bad 'atmosphere' that weighs on everything > torpedoes the relationship, which at the end of the day is based on trust

 

[SusanLR]

She also has a lot of anxiety, & she says that she gets anxiety because she's afraid she cannot give me what I want & need in a relationship. Besides the fact that if things move on to a final state (i.e. marriage) that she'd have to uproot herself to cohabitate & the like. She says she likes her single life, likes her job & friends & doesn't want to sacrifice that for me

You say she's NT, but, that sounds like the story of my life with relationships.
Love was never enough due to knowing if the person I was with wanted that final step of marriage or children that I didn't.
As long as it was a relationship I could feel love yet freedom with I was happy.
The desire to remain the same in my life, not to uproot and face that change was stronger than the
love in the relationships.
I've had anxiety disorders all my life and to cohabitate with someone beside the family I was used to
always seemed too intense. I would feel I could never really be myself and trying to live keeping up
the daily pretense mask was too much.

With my 3rd husband I had my own bedroom and the living room was set up for my comfort with my computer and t.v. and he had the upstairs bedroom and the room with the fireplace for his recliner and t.v, and we called it his man cave.
So there are ways for people to be together and yet have their own space.

This sounds like the ideal for living with someone to me, but, I don't think it is for most couples.
I would love to find someone who would like to live together yet to each their own way.

I don't know her real feelings. But, it sounds like you may be wanting the full life of love and marriage.
I'm only sharing how I've felt with you in the hopes that it may help you in the future.
Sometimes it is best to express what you are looking for from a relationship early on before the
attachment becomes so strong that if you find the other is not looking for the same thing it won't
hurt so much.
This has happened several times in my life. Like after only a couple of dates, they express they are
looking for marriage and/or children and want me to change my life to follow them.
Being told we are not looking for the same at this point, neither party ends up with so much hurt.

I was sorry to read you are having to go through this.

 

[DCA]

Thanks. I was pretty up-front that marriage is something I wanted eventually. And she was on board knowing this. From what she communicated to me she decided that she cannot in fact do this. That's the upsetting part for me. That she seemed on board, pushed for a relationship early on. She was even talking about meeting her family last week! "Its time" she said. That made me happy to hear she wanted that progress. So to say I was blindsided by this is an understatement...

 

[Autistamatic]

It's often that way I've found. Whenever I've been dumped in the past it's almost always when it's least expected.
I can only speak for myself here, though I'm pretty sure there's plenty of us who may be the same - but I think I invest more into my primary relationship than many NT people do. That's not to say that NTs don't love just as much back, but it's how much a part of my life it becomes and how important it becomes to me.
I don't do well with extended networks IRL so I put my all into making a small number of relationships as good as possible. I can get to know a couple of people really well, and get it right most of the time with them, or I can have a wide network that I know only cursorily and get it wrong far more often.
Consequently, the amount of time and effort I invest in that one person who shares my life most closely, may be greater than some NTs invest in theirs. Luckily, I eventually found someone for whom my devotion has always been welcome. I feel most comfortable in my wife's company and she in mine. We can "do our own thing(s)" whilst in the same room but also share the things we have in common. In the past my previous live-in girlfriends and first wife were always keen on socialising, having time with friends away from me and would sometimes criticise my attention to them as being too much. Being told to "stop analysing things" was also common as were conflicts. Unfortunately my "analysis" was just me trying to understand them better.
I've come to the tentative conclusion that the reason I often was surprised when the relationships went south so suddenly, was perhaps because the ladies concerned had been making positive overtones in the hope it would solve things they saw as problems. Just as daytime scandal talk-shows are full of NTs who "had a child to cement their relationship" then split acrimoniously, perhaps my ex partners' talk of marriage, starting a family or a big blowout holiday was their way of trying to mend a relationship I did not realise was as broken as it evidently was.

 

[DCA]

I absolutely agree that I feel I invest much more than perhaps most BY a do in a relationship for exactly the reasons above. I wrote a long letter to her, which I plan to leave with her stuff at her house, touching on this. I told her that making a connection with people is diffucult for me & feel constantly disconnected from society. Its a lonely life & I feel it acutely. So Its really important for me to make at least this one deep connection with someone. I invest a great deal into the relationship to make it work. I'm not sure she realized how much.

 

[AO1501]

It might be retrievable, especially since the last 2 times it was. But the big question is: should I? Yes she said this was very hard for her & that she loves me. But what happens a few months down the road & she flakes out again? That starts to become emotional abuse. I give everything I have in a relationship because I know how hard it is to meet people, especially if you're on the spectrum. So I really try to make it work. But if the other party is not really into it, should I even try?

Personally, I wouldn't bother, but it's not my view of the relationship that matters, nor of anyone else here, it's yours. If you feel you have invested sufficient of yourself in the relationship that it matters, and that she does too, then there is nothing at all wrong with you wanting to try and retrieve it - if that was your choice.

So only you can answer "should I?". But in asking that question, and with the sense of the things that have gone wrong and the disparity between what you want and what she does - or appears to - you can't ignore the fact that relationships are living and evolving creatures, that where you were at yesterday, last week or today is not where you'd be in the relationship in a year or in two. You, and she, would influence and guide where the relationship goes and how it gets there if it continues. In many ways, it's when a relationship stops evolving that it is most vulnerable to failure.

There is nothing wrong with deciding that it isn't worth it, but nor is there anything wrong with trying to achieve happiness and contentment, whether that has anything to do with another person or not.

 

[Ylva]

https://pdfs.semanticscholar.org/f675/e0ba312e1116b25f8ee25477493d71851bf2.pdf

 

[pamelaperejil]

It's not so much that this is what I'm attracted to. But rather that's what I get. Others can correct me if I'm wrong, but being on the spectrum doesn't necessarily mean I get a lot of choices in this area, for a number of reasons.

But you don't have to be in a relationship at all, and particularly not with someone who's not as invested as you are (nor someone with a history of toxic, abusive relationships). You don't have to settle for being some space filler until she finds something better.

I'm beginning to wonder if you're just coming off as desperate and willing to put up with crap for the sake of being in a relationship with anyone. You have to be willing to risk being alone if you can't find the right person. Otherwise you'll just get walked on.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

So while she says she loves me, love just isn't enough. And it leaves me wondering why, if I'm such a great guy, does this happen? What do I have to offer a woman at my age (43) that she doesn't already have? Because love (which I gave unconditionally in my last 2 relationships now), apparently, is not enough.

A better question to ask yourself is what does she have to offer you? Also understand that women that have had abusive or loser boyfriends tend to have a reason for being with those types of guys. They might give a good guy like yourself a try but in the end you just ain't their type and they get bored and dump you. It's more of a case of what isn't wrong with you rather than what is.

I think you need to set very very high standards for any woman that you wish to share your life with. If you have children you need to protect them from the psychotic women that might see a sensitive guy such as yourself as a juicy target. The reality that this will most likely lead to you living the rest of your life with just your kids is something you should accept so you don't get tempted into a relationship with a less than stellar woman simply out of not wanting to be alone.

 

[AO1501]

...Also understand that women that have had abusive or loser boyfriends tend to have a reason for being with those types of guys. They might give a good guy like yourself a try but in the end you just ain't their type and they get bored and dump you. It's more of a case of what isn't wrong with you rather than what is.

As any competent psychologist would tell you, this is wrong on so many levels.

Firstly, as a generalization, this may apply to some, but certainly isn't applicable in any real sense to victims of abuse in general.

Secondly, it is not the victim of abuse that is attracted to the abuser, it is the abuser who is attracted to the kind of person they recognise as being susceptible to abuse. Abusers succeed because they are generally very skilled in identifying suitable victims, and then in applying abusive practices through coercion.

Thirdly, victims of abusers most certainly do not like or seek abusive treatment. Most would willingly escape if they knew how. Abusers are skilled in obscuring psychological and physical escape routes.

Fourthly, victims ultimately become conditioned to the abuse they suffer, and their behaviours and responses are conditioned too. This is part of the controlling influence of the abuser, and the hold they have over them.

Fifthly, while a victim of abuse may find it hard to adjust to a subsequent non-abusive relationship, and will still react and respond to triggers and within the boundaries of the conditioning they have suffered, I can't imagine any that I have known over the years who would willingly, deliberately and by choice, select an abusive partner over a non-abusive one, even when abuse is so familiar to them. It may be hard for them to shake free of their conditioning, but with help, they generally can, and will.

Finally, what your post is doing is simply blaming victims for the abuse they suffer, and then accusing them of looking for a free ride afterwards. 'Distasteful' doesn't do it justice.

 

[BraidedPony]

Thank you! AO you are my hero!
Like what has happened to our OP, this woman saw a nice guy, maybe too nice for his own good, and he was love bombed. She was the one that moved the relationship along faster than he was really comfortable with, and I can’t blame him for going along with it. Its just impossible to say no to love.
Especially for us Aspies, we are too darn naive, we want to please others and we crave a little happiness.

 

[Amanda241]

I was pretty up-front that marriage is something I wanted eventually. And she was on board knowing this. From what she communicated to me she decided that she cannot in fact do this. That's the upsetting part for me. That she seemed on board, pushed for a relationship early on. She was even talking about meeting her family last week! "Its time" she said. That made me happy to hear she wanted that progress. So to say I was blindsided by this is an understatement...

I'm so sorry to hear that things have ended. It was me who said that I'd read that Aspies tend to catastrophise - in other words, think and believe the worst - but it would appear that your instincts were correct. I really feel for you, having recently had something similar.

I've always tried to be upfront when I start seeing people. One day, I would like to live with someone and get married, maybe. Telling people that I'm looking for this has the downside that I'm too intense for them so they back off; so the ones that have stuck around, I've assumed or asked whether they were looking for the same as me and then we've had a relationship. People change their minds on a whim it seems to me - my own story recently was about my ex telling me over the phone that he wanted to break up and moving out just 48 hours later - despite the fact that we'd been living together for 3 mths at that point and signed up for 12 months. I was the same as you - completely blindsided. It's extraordinarily painful because things seem to be progressing and then WHAM! "I don't want to do this any more" with little or no warning. I can completely understand. Feels, man.