Neurodivergent marriage

[Dalana789]

I find routines/set schedules for laundry, groceries, and other things very useful. That's how they get done successfully. In my experience, the routine is necessary because life is unpredictable. I can deal better with surprises when I know there's a good framework for things I need and want to do.

My husband and I have different ideas about routine. For me, it's just checking the laundry basket every day and doing the laundry, checking the dirty dishes every day and putting them in the dishwasher, etc. That's routine. For my husband, routine is doing the laundry every day at 7:30 PM. But what if there isn't any at that time? What if we're not home at that time? That's it, the plan won't be completed. And then everything gets shifted and it's chaos. Or writing in your diary, "Iron clothes on Wednesdays at 8:00 PM" - the same questions... But what if we're still out for a walk with the child at 8:00 PM on Wednesday? What if he's late at work? And so on. I think routine should be tied to the day and time of day, but not to a specific time.

 

[rd58]

I am not just saying this for nothing. In the past, I had obsessive-compulsive depression. Panic attacks, schizoid behavior, taking the strongest tranquilizers and antidepressants. Now only anxiety disorder remains. At one point, a doctor told me that no pills in the world will save you if you do not work on yourself and do not change your thinking. And that is what happened. More than 15 years of working on myself and daily meditations gave an effect.

Here, I still think the problem is in the confusion: depression is an abnormal state of any functioning brain, and can be cured with the help of proper medication by altering the chemical set-up in the brain and bringing it back to proper balance; my condition is different, and the tasks considered to be simple for others present me with challenges similar to climbing mt Everest. My biggest frustration is that no matter how many times I repeat some activity, it does not become automatic, and I still have to process each task as if it were new, it's hard and I'm prone to failures in such tasks if I become tired or whatever, and I'm sick of this too.

 

[Rodafina]

@rd58, @Dalana789

I will also offer the opinion that what is happening in this thread is not a healthy way to deal with the challenges you are having in your marriage.

Perhaps, participating in the other threads of the forum can help both of you understand yourselves better and this will help inform your way forward.

A family and marriage therapist can help, too.

 

[Dalana789]

@rd58, @Dalana789

I will also offer the opinion that what is happening in this thread is not a healthy way to deal with the challenges you are having in your marriage.

Perhaps, participating in the other threads of the forum can help both of you understand yourselves better and this will help inform your way forward.

A family and marriage therapist can help, too.

Thank you all for the tips and conversation. I definitely agree here.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

Especially after the recent post of both the OP and the husband, I agree that couple-couseling with a neurodivergence-experienced (!) counselor would be a good way to go for both of you.

There are things on both sides here. OP, I understand that you educated yourself about autism and ADHD, but maybe try to get more varied views on how different people with ASD and/or ADHD manage their lives.

My husband and I have different ideas about routine. For me, it's just checking the laundry basket every day and doing the laundry, checking the dirty dishes every day and putting them in the dishwasher, etc. That's routine. For my husband, routine is doing the laundry every day at 7:30 PM. But what if there isn't any at that time? What if we're not home at that time? That's it, the plan won't be completed. And then everything gets shifted and it's chaos. Or writing in your diary, "Iron clothes on Wednesdays at 8:00 PM" - the same questions... But what if we're still out for a walk with the child at 8:00 PM on Wednesday? What if he's late at work? And so on. I think routine should be tied to the day and time of day, but not to a specific time.

This post is especially what makes me think that. You're right that a more flexible schedule is usually more convenient and pleasant for everyone involved. But there are many autistic/AuDHD people which simply cannot deal with that. Those people either follow their rigorous schedule, or it's not possible to do tasks at all. I understand that that's very frustrating and doesn't seem to make sense to other people. But it's a reality.

Also, these very rigorous schedules often reflect that other things in the autistic person's life seem out of their control, so they feel the need to control other aspects. It's the attempt to make an unpredictable world slightly more predictable. Autism characteristics often change over a person's lifetime. The need for routine often becomes more intense when there's something else going on that challenges us.

Just because, generally-speaking, many autistic/ADHD people COULD lead "normal" lives with marriage, children and jobs, that really doesn't apply for everyone. There are many factors at play there. For example, I can work and be in a happy relationship, but children might very likely push me over the edge. It's not a question of trying hard enough. In fact, trying harder and harder would, at some point, cause me to regress and be able to do much less than I started with, because it causes burn-out.

Now, on the other hand, there's also initiative and willingness to make things better and contribute to a relationship/a joint household. That's needed so that things can bet better. If you, the husband, don't feel like you are able to do anything at the moment to try to make the situation better, then that's a statement too. Then you, OP, should take that as a fact and think about what you want to do.

Your posts make me think that there's a lot of resentment, frustration and lack of understanding from both sides going on. It's too deep to get solved on a forum.