NT needs advice RE: AS ex boyfriend

[Grumpy Cat]

The best and worst thing about it is she is a much happier person nowadays,

She may miss you more than you know. You have nothing to lose, but regret.

 

[Ste11aeres]

She may miss you more than you know. You have nothing to lose, but regret.

At the worst, she might have a better understanding of why you did what you did.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

You know, I used to think regarding people "why should I have to be the one to say something first?" when I had been in an argument with someone or they said something that upset me. In the old days I would just cut them off and if they said something to get the relationship started again - fine, if not, then that was fine too. Take them or leave them. Now I am the exact opposite and find that I have not regretted anything. If I have a disagreement with someone or they say something that upsets or hurts me, I come out and say something (after I cool off, of course) and try to repair what relationship there was. What I have found is that the relationship turns out even better because most people are good and things (situations) aren't usually as bad as what we think. We usually blow things out of proportion in our own minds. I also think that something could happen tomorrow and I may never see that person again and was the situation so bad with them that the relationship couldn't be repaired? And when I am the first to reach out to someone I usually find them to be so happy that I did because they were wanting the same thing too, but just couldn't get themselves to make the move.


**Some of you may have read about how I really got mad at Jim for cutting and destroying my tree out back. I have cooled down now and plan to apologize to him whenever I see him next. He's really a good person and I know he wouldn't go out of his way to upset me. I tell you, I really wasn't going to apologize (only within the last day did I make the decision I would) because I was so hurt (and still am - I still cry when I look at the tree), but it's a tree and Jim is a person - a good person and that is why I'm making the move to mend the relationship.

 

[Plumeria]

I'm not saying this "is" why he acted the way he did, all I can say this is something I did.

Remember that a lot of the way NT's act is completely confusing to us and we do the best we can in understanding this "craziness" all around us.

With the information given, it seems maybe the new job was placing a lot of new stress on him and then you cried, all he knows is that something he did made you sad and he doesn't know why or how this happened.

I think most aspies are very aware that we are hard for our partners to happy around. We don't know why we make people unhappy, just that we do. So we leave. We are very loyal and we love a lot more than most people realize. If we need to be the bad guy and terminate the relationship so the partner we care about can be happy, we will take on that burden and accept being unhappy and lonely so they can have a happy life.

When my ex-wife became distant and unhappy, I didn't know why or how but I knew I was the cause. After 3 years of her being unhappy, I knew I needed to be the fixer I am and end the marriage so she could be happy.

I don't know about other aspies, but I know I wouldn't make the first move in telling my ex I still love her and want her back. She would need to approach me.

Thanks for sharing adamindeltona, I agree and think that he was overwhelmed and didn't know what to do with my "feelings", and that he knew I was unhappy because of him. But why not just ask me what he could do to make it better? Instead he just shut down and then broke up with me, I didn't want to break up. He stated that we should see other people and that I will make someone else happy. That broke my heart, I felt very rejected and that is what makes me hesitant about reaching out. Why did he not even TRY to work it out with me? I know we won't know the answers to these questions, I don't expect you to have the answers… they are just what I think about all the time.

I can see my boyfriend accepting to be "the bad guy" so I can be happier. I think that is such an admiral quality that you (and perhaps my ex) have. But I'm sure your ex loved you very much and was unhappy not because of YOU but because of the situation… and situations can be improved. It takes two people and communication to find the solution. If emotions are too overwhelming, then can't we put them aside and think of logical solutions to the problems? If love is there, I don't understand how walking away makes it better. I can't just fall in love with anyone, I fall in love with someone because of who they are, the qualities that make them unique and special and how I feel around them. I don't expect anyone to fix my emotions, only I can do that. Anyway, I've probably written too much, but again, I thank you for sharing… I'm sorry for your loss and hope that you feel better too.

PS. I am thinking about reaching out … I am not ready yet

 

[May Black]

Thanks for sharing adamindeltona, I agree and think that he was overwhelmed and didn't know what to do with my "feelings", and that he knew I was unhappy because of him. But why not just ask me what he could do to make it better? Instead he just shut down and then broke up with me, I didn't want to break up. He stated that we should see other people and that I will make someone else happy. That broke my heart, I felt very rejected and that is what makes me hesitant about reaching out. Why did he not even TRY to work it out with me? I know we won't know the answers to these questions, I don't expect you to have the answers… they are just what I think about all the time.

Sometimes things are black or white to an Aspie. He probably didn't see any other way out of it and did what he thought was necessary. He also probably already was doing his best and didn't think there was anything else he could do.

Me and my boyfriend had a very rough period for about a year, where he was needed back home in US for quite serious reasons I do not feel are my business to clarify. I was getting more and more worried that those outer conditions would not go away and he'd never move back. At one point we had a long discussion and he suggested we break up. My first reaction was a complete shock, then I came to my senses and asked him calmly if that was what he wanted. He told me no, it wasn't, but he didn't see any other way to solve the problem if I was miserable without him being home.

The best and worst thing about it is she is a much happier person nowadays,

If you love somebody, set them free. I can understand this quite well. I think if your wife truly knew you, then she also knew your reasons.

 

[adamindeltona]

Thanks for sharing adamindeltona, I agree and think that he was overwhelmed and didn't know what to do with my "feelings", and that he knew I was unhappy because of him. But why not just ask me what he could do to make it better? Instead he just shut down and then broke up with me, I didn't want to break up. He stated that we should see other people and that I will make someone else happy. That broke my heart, I felt very rejected and that is what makes me hesitant about reaching out. Why did he not even TRY to work it out with me? I know we won't know the answers to these questions, I don't expect you to have the answers… they are just what I think about all the time.

I can see my boyfriend accepting to be "the bad guy" so I can be happier. I think that is such an admiral quality that you (and perhaps my ex) have. But I'm sure your ex loved you very much and was unhappy not because of YOU but because of the situation… and situations can be improved. It takes two people and communication to find the solution. If emotions are too overwhelming, then can't we put them aside and think of logical solutions to the problems? If love is there, I don't understand how walking away makes it better. I can't just fall in love with anyone, I fall in love with someone because of who they are, the qualities that make them unique and special and how I feel around them. I don't expect anyone to fix my emotions, only I can do that. Anyway, I've probably written too much, but again, I thank you for sharing… I'm sorry for your loss and hope that you feel better too.

PS. I am thinking about reaching out … I am not ready yet

Honestly, I'm not sure. We are all different. My situation was different. I am wired to be a fixer, and my decision was the very last thing after trying for 3 years to fix what was making my ex miserable. We were married for 12 years, and she knew I was trying, and she knew when it ended why it happened.

But things are very black and white in my world too. I asked her a lot how do I fix it, and the answer I got was "I don't think it can be fixed, you are the way you are, and you can't understand". So I felt like I had no options left at the end.

The one thing we do know in your situation is that we don't know why, so ask you can always try. Just text him and say hello, and if you guys keep talking, ask him why he felt he needed to split. Remember that NT's attatch emotions to questions and answers, we typically do not, if he is willing to talk, he will probably just answer the question. Especially if you can ask it plainly and without showing a lot of emotion, that's why I mention talking through texting.

I know I would answer a question like that, and I would like it a lot if my ex even said hello once in a while. But again that is how I am,

 

[adamindeltona]

...see other people and that I will make someone else happy. That broke my heart, I felt very rejected and that is what makes me hesitant about reaching out.

Usually, when we use that sentence, that you will make someone else happy, it's because even though we don't possess the emotional words to tell our partners, what we are saying is this:

"I love you more than myself, and you have made me very happy even though I don't know how to tell you or show you. I can see you are not happy, I don't know how to fix it, and all I want is to see you happy and smiling."

It took me 12 years to figure out those words.

Again, all I can say is this is true for me, and it might be for your guy too. If he will talk, after a while of texting, you could ask is this what you meant when you said ...

 

[Plumeria]

Sometimes things are black or white to an Aspie. He probably didn't see any other way out of it and did what he thought was necessary. He also probably already was doing his best and didn't think there was anything else he could do.

I could see that may be the case. I journaled about that when we first broke up…

I am wired to be a fixer, and my decision was the very last thing after trying for 3 years to fix what was making my ex miserable.

My ex was a "fixer" too. I was hospitalized in April and my hair started falling out three months later. I shared with him that I was scared that too much hair was falling, he replied "You can borrow my hats." Now, again, that was not a response I was expecting because most NTs would say, "Im sorry! I will love you no whether you have hair or not!" Another time, it was Father's Day and my mom gave me a hard time about not going to visit my dad (I celebrated it early with him the week before) and I told my ex what happened. He replied "You should of went to visit him again." I pondered those things about him and realized, he was not trying to be cruel (which seemed like very cold responses), I knew he was just trying to fix the situations.

But things are very black and white in my world too. I asked her a lot how do I fix it, and the answer I got was "I don't think it can be fixed". So I felt like I had no options left at the end.

The one thing we do know in your situation is that we don't know why, so ask you can always try. Just text him and say hello, and if you guys keep talking, ask him why he felt he needed to split. Remember that NT's attatch emotions to questions and answers, we typically do not, if he is willing to talk, he will probably just answer the question. Especially if you can ask it plainly and without showing a lot of emotion, that's why I mention talking through texting.

I know I would answer a question like that, and I would like it a lot if my ex even said hello once in a while. But again that is how I am,

It sounds like you really tried, I'm sorry it didn't work out. You are very right, we DO attach emotions to questions and answers, I often wish I could separate them. And yes, I think if I asked him he would easily answer the question… but I am afraid of the answer and heres why (and I'll try to keep it as short as possible):

My last relationship before my ex lasted 5 years. It was a very serious relationship and we lived together and I thought that he was the one I was going to marry. He was in university while we were together and I helped him through it all thinking in the end that he would get a job and our future would be great. His personality was very different from mine, he was an extrovert, very social and an artist/musician but he went back to school thinking that it will help him move ahead in life. Long story short, after he finished university he did not want to find a job, instead he wanted to go back to his "arts". I was upset because he led me to believe that we were working toward our future (and up to that point I was the one supporting us and I was not going to continue to do that). We were having problems for awhile, especially after he graduated and finally, he emotionally withdrew and broke up with me. I was devastated. But thats not the worst part. Several months later he started contacting me and trying to be my friend. He finally asked to come see me and guess what? I found out that he had gotten married to someone else. He didnt tell me he got married, I just noticed the ring on his hand. After he left, I did some "research" on the internet and he got married the DAY AFTER he moved out of my house! I saw his wedding video on YouTube. The guy was cheating on me and lying to me for months/years while I was helping and supporting him the whole time.

It took me a almost two years to get over him and the pain he caused me. My ex AS was the first man I fell in love with after my previous ex. I know they are two different people and they are two different situations BUT I am so fearful of finding out that my ex AS also left me for another woman. I just can't handle being told I was left again for another woman… I would rather not know. These are the "fears" that I deal with. Maybe it's pride or ego or lingering pain from the past but the fact that my ex stated "we should see other people" keeps me wondering if he also met someone else. If I ask him, he probably would just straight out and tell me but that would just be so painful (right now). Maybe if I get over him a little more I will be able to accept the truth of what he replies but right now, I am still in love with him and want to be with him and I don't know if I can handle the rejection

 

[Plumeria]

Usually, when we use that sentence, that you will make someone else happy, it's because even though we don't possess the emotional words to tell our partners, what we are saying is this:

"I love you more than myself, and you have made me very happy even though I don't know how to tell you or show you. I can see you are not happy, I don't know how to fix it, and all I want is to see you happy and smiling."

It took me 12 years to figure out those words.

Again, all I can say is this is true for me, and it might be for your guy too. If he will talk, after a while of texting, you could ask is this what you meant when you said ...

Thank you so much adamindeltona, that brought (very happy) tears to my eyes. I really want to believe that to be true, I think it is true but if you read my message above, you will see what I struggle with

 

[adamindeltona]

You are very welcome. One of my obsessions is study of human behavior. I'm desperately trying to figure you humans out

Through that process I have learned a lot about how aspies work too and I wish I had some concrete answers to fix how you feel.

When you are ready, ask. Unfortunately, we don't always get the answers we want, but at least we have the truth.

Adam

 

[Plumeria]

You are very welcome. One of my obsessions is study of human behavior. I'm desperately trying to figure you humans out

Through that process I have learned a lot about how aspies work too and I wish I had some concrete answers to fix how you feel.

When you are ready, ask. Unfortunately, we don't always get the answers we want, but at least we have the truth.

Adam

I wish I did too. I was thinking about what you wrote and I want to share with you what I THOUGHT he meant when he broke up with me… what I interpreted his message to say was "I am unhappy (because you don't make me happy) and I think we should see other people (because someone else will make me happier). You're great (just not for me) and I think you will make someone else happy (because you don't make me happy).

Yes, when I am ready, I will ask…

 

[Ste11aeres]

If you love somebody, set them free.

Sounds nice. Sounds self sacrificing, etc, etc. But that doesn't mean it's actually the best thing to do, or even a good thing to do.

I'm not commenting on anyone's specific situation here, just on the general idea.

 

[adamindeltona]

I want to share with you what I THOUGHT he meant when he broke up with me… what I interpreted his message to say was "I am unhappy (because you don't make me happy) and I think we should see other people (because someone else will make me happier). You're great (just not for me) and I think you will make someone else happy (because you don't make me happy).

Yes, when I am ready, I will ask…

If "I" was to say something like that it would translate:

"I am unhappy (because you are not happy) and I think we should see other people (because someone else will make you happier). You're great (but I'm no good for you) and I think you will make someone else happy (because you deserve to be happy, even without me).

Now I can't speak for every aspie, but the ones I've met and myself included are not usually "happy" people, I'm not saying the we are unhappy or miserable, just not happy, we are very "neutral" most days. Day to day interactions and the constant struggle to re-translate every word and emotion being spoken to us is draining. Plus we don't "express" emotion like others.

I've never heard one of the aspies I've met say something like I'm not happy, I deserve better... It is usually a remark like I'm not happy, she deserves better. In our own selfish way, even when we are focused inward at ourselves, there is a component always reminding us that we are not good for the people around us, and along with needing some alone time to re-center, it's easier and less stressful for us to justify being alone, rather than dive into the real issues.

Now please understand that I'm not saying your guy is right or wrong, or "done" something wrong, and I understand your fears based on past experiences, all I can do is translate "why" we "sometimes" do the things we do.

And I understand about being worried based on the past. We are all constantly reminded that the past might visit us again. But you have to throw that bad thinking out and move on with being hopeful and positive about the future.

"To hell with the past, I'm going to make my future better!" You should scream that in your mirror every morning trust me it helps

Your future is yours to do with as you please, it doesn't belong to the bad things that have happened. I'm not saying to forget the past, it might have hurt like hell when it happened, but it also made you stronger. So use the strength to better your life and tell pain to go "F" off ;-)

Well, it's how I do it anyway

- Adam

 

[Grumpy Cat]

Honestly, I'm not sure. We are all different. My situation was different. I am wired to be a fixer, and my decision was the very last thing after trying for 3 years to fix what was making my ex miserable. We were married for 12 years, and she knew I was trying, and she knew when it ended why it happened.

But things are very black and white in my world too. I asked her a lot how do I fix it, and the answer I got was "I don't think it can be fixed, you are the way you are, and you can't understand". So I felt like I had no options left at the end.

The one thing we do know in your situation is that we don't know why, so ask you can always try. Just text him and say hello, and if you guys keep talking, ask him why he felt he needed to split. Remember that NT's attatch emotions to questions and answers, we typically do not, if he is willing to talk, he will probably just answer the question. Especially if you can ask it plainly and without showing a lot of emotion, that's why I mention talking through texting.

I know I would answer a question like that, and I would like it a lot if my ex even said hello once in a while. But again that is how I am,

Sounds like you did all you could and gave it a chance, but she wanted out. If I were you, I wouldn't have any regrets. Sorry about what you went through. Oh, I saw your birthday is tomorrow - Happy Birthday To You Adam! (Oops, I'm bad at names)

 

[Ste11aeres]

If "I" was to say something like that it would translate:

"I am unhappy (because you are not happy) and I think we should see other people (because someone else will make you happier). You're great (but I'm no good for you) and I think you will make someone else happy (because you deserve to be happy, even without me).

Now I can't speak for every aspie, but the ones I've met and myself included are not usually "happy" people, I'm not saying the we are unhappy or miserable, just not happy, we are very "neutral" most days. Day to day interactions and the constant struggle to re-translate every word and emotion being spoken to us is draining. Plus we don't "express" emotion like others.

I've never heard one of the aspies I've met say something like I'm not happy, I deserve better... It is usually a remark like I'm not happy, she deserves better. In our own selfish way, even when we are focused inward at ourselves, there is a component always reminding us that we are not good for the people around us, and along with needing some alone time to re-center, it's easier and less stressful for us to justify being alone, rather than dive into the real issues.ad things that have happened.

This is one of the biggest reasons I'm reluctant to date.
I know that I would make any NT guy unhappy.
I've recently met a very nice NT guy, whom would be an excellent choice, and who is interested in me. But I'm also pretty sure I would make him miserable if he actually got close to me. Not sure how to explain that to him, or rather, he wouldn't understand even if I did explain it.

 

[adamindeltona]

Sounds like you did all you could and gave it a chance, but she wanted out. If I were you, I wouldn't have any regrets. Sorry about what you went through. Oh, I saw your birthday is tomorrow - Happy Birthday To You Adam! (Oops, I'm bad at names)

Thanks for the birthday wishes

I don't really have regrets, each component of my past is separate from the other. Even though going through that was painful, it was still the right thing to do because she was not happy, and in turn I was not happy. Every day that I see on facebook that she is a happier person, I know it was for the best, and so I wait for the next good thing to happen

 

[adamindeltona]

This is one of the biggest reasons I'm reluctant to date.
I know that I would make any NT guy unhappy.
I've recently met a very nice NT guy, whom would be an excellent choice, and who is interested in me. But I'm also pretty sure I would make him miserable if he actually got close to me. Not sure how to explain that to him, or rather, he wouldn't understand even if I did explain it.

I am terrified of it too

Nowadays, I do TRY to explain what I am, how I see the world, and how I live in it to any girl I might be interested in dating, if she can't handle it, then oh well.

The worst thing is to not say anything and try like crazy to appear mostly NT, cause when you get closer, and they see more of the real you, they feel like you changed on them.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

This is one of the biggest reasons I'm reluctant to date.
I know that I would make any NT guy unhappy.
I've recently met a very nice NT guy, whom would be an excellent choice, and who is interested in me. But I'm also pretty sure I would make him miserable if he actually got close to me. Not sure how to explain that to him, or rather, he wouldn't understand even if I did explain it.

You should let him make that choice, Ste11aeres. You never know, he may just be the one. (That's the hopeless romantic in me talking)

 

[Judge]

This is one of the biggest reasons I'm reluctant to date.
I know that I would make any NT guy unhappy.
I've recently met a very nice NT guy, whom would be an excellent choice, and who is interested in me. But I'm also pretty sure I would make him miserable if he actually got close to me. Not sure how to explain that to him, or rather, he wouldn't understand even if I did explain it.

Friendship first as opposed to dating might just offer a kind of "buffer" to give you both time to figure that out.

 

[Ste11aeres]

You should let him make that choice, Ste11aeres. You never know, he may just be the one. (That's the hopeless romantic in me talking)

But how can he make a (good) choice if he doesn't really understand the potential situation?