NT needs advice RE: AS ex boyfriend

[Plumeria]

That another thing to think about... But it's not only that he feels like home, I also listed many reasons why I love him and think he is perfect for me in my OP. That's why I feel so confused...

I came to this site trying to get an idea of his point of view and many of you have shared your thoughts, for that I am grateful. Thank you.

 

[Ereth]

Consider that a relationship is not a one-way street. It's not just about what you think---it's about what he thinks, too. What is "perfect"? Is your ex really perfect for you if it will be a struggle for him to understand the emotional outpourings which are less common for him than they are for you?

 

[Plumeria]

Consider that a relationship is not a one-way street. It's not just about what you think---it's about what he thinks, too. What is "perfect"? Is your ex really perfect for you if it will be a struggle for him to understand the emotional outpourings which are less common for him than they are for you?

Again, I also am considering what's best for him, that's why I wanted insight into what he may be thinking, so I can try to understand. That's also why I think it's better not to contact him... This was his choice, maybe it's what he feels is best for him.

 

[Ereth]

Yes, I realize that. But it may be what's best for you, too, believe it or not.

 

[Plumeria]

Yes, I realize that. But it may be what's best for you, too, believe it or not.

Yes, I know

 

[Grumpy Cat]

You're analyzing it way too much, Plumeria. (That's what we NT women do - we talk to our girlfriends for hours wondering "why this" and "why that" about certain things that are bothering us until the subject is just talked into the ground and we still don't have any answers. ) Just contact him, make conversation light and let the chips fall where they may. Otherwise, the not knowing is going to drive you crazy - it would me.

 

[Plumeria]

You're analyzing it way too much, Plumeria. (That's what we NT women do - we talk to our girlfriends for hours wondering "why this" and "why that" about certain things that are bothering us until the subject is just talked into the ground and we still don't have any answers. ) Just contact him, make conversation light and let the chips fall where they may. Otherwise, the not knowing is going to drive you crazy - it would me.

Haha... At least I know I'm not the only one who does this :/ You're such a romantic <3 Honestly, now that I know what his point of view may be, I feel more at peace with the situation. I'll PM you later

 

[Ste11aeres]

You're analyzing it way too much, Plumeria. (That's what we NT women do - we talk to our girlfriends for hours wondering "why this" and "why that" about certain things that are bothering us until the subject is just talked into the ground and we still don't have any answers. ) Just contact him, make conversation light and let the chips fall where they may. Otherwise, the not knowing is going to drive you crazy - it would me.

Another thing women do (I don't know if men do this, I just happen to have seen it more often with women) is set up a test to see if the guy really cares about them. The thing is, the test never actually proves anything, except in the woman's mind. Because there can be different reasons for someone taking an action, or not taking an action. So someone thinks "If he does this, or doesn't do this, it means he cares about me, or doesn't care about me."
I think the test you are setting up, is him contacting you first. A really common test women set up, is to wait to see if a guy takes initiative, and if he always makes the first moves. Well the thing is, there are plenty of creepy guys out there, who, while seeing women only as sex objects, who are willing to take the first move, and willing to pursue.In fact, no guy is better at pursuing than some crazy ex, or some crazy potential rapist/stalker. Pardon these extreme examples. My point simply is, that someone taking the initiative, or not taking it, pursuing or not pursuing, is not a true indication of whether or not someone actually cares about you.
If you reach out to him, and open up the possibility of getting back into a relationship with him, he will not get back into a relationship with you if he doesn't want to. This is both good news and scary news. Good, because in the event that you do end up together, he will do so because he really does want together . Scary, because of potential pain for you if you end up not together after all. Sometimes fear of the possibility of that pain is the real reason why one chooses not to contact someone.
The most important thing to remember, is that every relationship has difficult parts, and times when there are problems. And what exactly those difficulties and problems are varies, from relationship to relationship. The question is are the good times more frequent than the bad? Or do the lousy times outnumber the good times? Does the good outweigh the bad, or vice versa?

(It should be mentioned, that there are situations where a particular bad thing is so wrong, that one should leave, regardless of how great the good parts are, for instance, when there is physical abuse.)

From the way you have written about this, it sounds like the good outweighed the bad, and like it could once again. But of course, the decisions are up to you.
Regardless of whether this ends or continues between you and him, he was very lucky to have met someone as understanding as you seem to be. I think he will remember you with fondness in any event. (he reminds me of my best friend, who does definitely remember past persons in his life).

 

[Judge]

Another thing women do (I don't know if men do this, I just happen to have seen it more often with women) is set up a test to see if the guy really cares about them.

The thing is though, a test can have a two-way impact if the subject of the test realizes they're being "tested". Which might have an unintended and adverse affect on the relationship. I suppose one must be careful in how they "set up" such a thing.

 

[Ste11aeres]

The thing is though, a test can have a two-way impact if the subject of the test realizes they're being "tested". Which might have an unintended and adverse affect on the relationship. I suppose one must be careful in how they "set up" such a thing.

I was more thinking of people setting up tests without themselves being fully aware that that is what they are doing. They're not thinking "I am setting up a test," in the instances that I am thinking of.
And I think that in most cases, such testing is not a good thing, and doesn't actually prove what the person thinks it proves.

 

[Judge]

I was more thinking of people setting up tests without themselves being fully aware that that is what they are doing. They're not thinking "I am setting up a test," in the instances that I am thinking of.
And I think that in most cases, such testing is not a good thing, and doesn't actually prove what the person thinks it proves.

I see. Interesting. Has anyone done such a thing to their SO in a somewhat flippant manner only to regret it later? I know if I were to do such a thing (never have and probably wouldn't) it would be quite deliberate- and calculated.

 

[Plumeria]

My point simply is, that someone taking the initiative, or not taking it, pursuing or not pursuing, is not a true indication of whether or not someone actually cares about you.

Again, you are right… the fact that he reaches out or not does not indicate whether he cares for me (or to what extent), I didn't think about it that way. I believe he cares for me, especially knowing what I know now, some of the things that he did probably were very difficult for him at the time but he did them for me…. like going to my birthday party when we first started dating. When he asked me how many people were going (150 people) he said he doesn't think he even KNOWS that many people and that he's lucky he has 5 friends. He only knew one person there. I took that for granted… I didn't realize that such a big social function may have been uncomfortable for him -- I wondered why he kept leaving and going to his car during the party?

If you reach out to him, and open up the possibility of getting back into a relationship with him, he will not get back into a relationship with you if he doesn't want to. This is both good news and scary news. Good, because in the event that you do end up together, he will do so because he really does want together . Scary, because of potential pain for you if you end up not together after all. Sometimes fear of the possibility of that pain is the real reason why one chooses not to contact someone.

You have a point. Just because I reach out first doesn't automatically mean we will get back together. He will get back together if he wants to. YES! The potential pain for me is the real reason I choose not to contact. I know that he will not reject me but I am not yet ready to be friends (if thats all he wants). I think when I get to a place where I can be ready for friendship (or more) I will reach out.

From the way you have written about this, it sounds like the good outweighed the bad, and like it could once again. But of course, the decisions are up to you.
Regardless of whether this ends or continues between you and him, he was very lucky to have met someone as understanding as you seem to be. I think he will remember you with fondness in any event. (he reminds me of my best friend, who does definitely remember past persons in his life).

Yes, the good always outweighed the bad. To me, there were hardly any "bad." The "bad" things I did feel were MY own feelings of insecurity or fear -- I will always have those feelings with ANYBODY I date until I resolve them myself. It's not his job to make me feel secure, loved or happy… thats my job… insecurities and fear are usually borne of past hurt and pain, not present.

Thank you for your kind words. He said the same thing when we broke up, that he will always remember and never forget how I treated him, that meant a lot to me and I was lucky to have met him too.

 

[Plumeria]

I see. Interesting. Has anyone done such a thing to their SO in a somewhat flippant manner only to regret it later? I know if I were to do such a thing (never have and probably wouldn't) it would be quite deliberate- and calculated.

It appears that Aspies don't do this often but NTs do. Especially the very emotional NT women that I know.They are not even aware that they "test" men all the time. Im sure I do it too without knowing. I believe it has a lot to do with ego and insecurities. A woman would test a man with the smallest things… they usually are not "tests" that are set up, but rather observations made to come to a conclusion (better word would probably be judgement). For example… on the first date. TEST 1: Does he open the door for me? If yes, he has manners. If no, he may be selfish. TEST 2: Does he let me order what I want? Yes, he will let me do my own thing. No, he may be controlling. TEST 3: Does he pay? Yes, he's a gentleman and will take good care of me. No, he's broke, has no money or tight with money. This one from the man's POV, TEST 3: Does she offer to pay? If yes, she's not a gold digger. If no, maybe she's a gold digger and will spend all my money. Each scenario is different for everyone, these are just some typical examples.

Some women I know will directly test a man. For example, their birthday is coming up so they hint about what they want to their SO but not directly tell him. "Oh I LOVE that Chanel purse!! Oh, my coworker got flowers for her birthday, they were sooooo pretty! I really want this ____ but I dont know if I'll get it…." If he gets it, points for him, it means he LOVES her. If he doesn't he'll be in BIG trouble. And if he does get it, you better believe she will be posting it on FB for all to see so that they can conclude that he's the best SO ever.

There are times when people "play" with others emotions purposely using manipulation. Some of my emotional friends will say very mean things to their SO just to make him angry on purpose because he "made her angry." Its fire versus fire. Then they make up or he breaks up with her because she's "crazy." These tests can also be referred to as the "games" people play. Not everyone is like this but I know a lot of them… my friends who are like this live by the saying "Why hate the player, hate the game." My friends are not bad people, they just get caught up in their emotions and react to them without thinking… and yes, most of the time they regret their actions.

More examples... if a girl is insecure about her boyfriend being faithful, she may test him to see if he is. If she is insecure about her looks and thinks a guy might not like her because she's not pretty enough, she may go out of her way to attract him and if he responds positively, then she feels better about herself.

I can see why social rules and conduct can be very overwhelming for Aspies, they are draining and overwhelming for many NTs!

 

[Judge]

Some women I know will directly test a man. For example, their birthday is coming up so they hint about what they want to their SO but not directly tell him. "Oh I LOVE that Chanel purse!! Oh, my coworker got flowers for her birthday, they were sooooo pretty! I really want this ____ but I dont know if I'll get it…." If he gets it, points for him, it means he LOVES her. If he doesn't he'll be in BIG trouble. And if he does get it, you better believe she will be posting it on FB for all to see so that they can conclude that he's the best SO ever.

There are times when people "play" with others emotions purposely using manipulation. Some of my emotional friends will say very mean things to their SO just to make him angry on purpose because he "made her angry." Its fire versus fire. Then they make up or he breaks up with her because she's "crazy." These tests can also be referred to as the "games" people play. Not everyone is like this but I know a lot of them… my friends who are like this live by the saying "Why hate the player, hate the game." My friends are not bad people, they just get caught up in their emotions and react to them without thinking… and yes, most of the time they regret their actions.

More examples... if a girl is insecure about her boyfriend being faithful, she may test him to see if he is. If she is insecure about her looks and thinks a guy might not like her because she's not pretty enough, she may go out of her way to attract him and if he responds positively, then she feels better about herself.

I can see why social rules and conduct can be very overwhelming for Aspies, they are draining and overwhelming for many NTs!

Personally I just see such tactics as being disastrous for a relationship between an NT female and an Aspie male. She'd be upset because I didn't necessarily get it. I'd be upset because I didn't get it.

However I'd be even more upset that she didn't already know that I might not "get it" in the first place.

Strange to realize that not knowing I was autistic likely resulted in the failure of all my relationships. Yet even if I and my partner had complete self-awareness, that's still no guarantee of success under the circumstances. Not if "games" are to be played.

 

[May Black]

Not all women play games. I'm quite straight forward about the things I want. Of course I do pay attention to how he treats me, but I'm not trying to set him up. I want to be happy, I feel the chance of getting what I want is much bigger if the man knows I want something.

My boyfriend does remember certain things, food I like, my habits and such and he'll go out of his way to take me places. I'm not sure he remembers my birthday though, or rather I'm not sure he'd think about that it's my birthday unless I remind him.

I can't get him to buy me flowers though. I have told him I'd like that, I've even showed him the sort I like, which is lilies, I always keep them on the dining table. He never buys them. I've even asked him if he thinks he'll ever be able to do that, he told me he doesn't like flower and therefor doesn't think about it. I'm afraid he might need to go to the store specifically to buy flowers or I'd need to teach him a routine. I haven't lost hope though.

 

[Plumeria]

Personally I just see such tactics as being disastrous for a relationship between an NT female and an Aspie male. She'd be upset because I didn't necessarily get it. I'd be upset because I didn't get it.

However I'd be even more upset that she didn't already know that I might not "get it" in the first place.

Strange to realize that not knowing I was autistic likely resulted in the failure of all my relationships. Yet even if I and my partner had complete self-awareness, that's still no guarantee of success under the circumstances. Not if "games" are to be played.

Judge, I was reading some of your posts on other thread and this one stood out to me:

I don't have meltdowns like that though. I just shutdown....in which no one can reach me.

When you "shutdown" in relationships was there any way to reach you? What would be the best way to reach out to you if someone wanted to? Was there ever a time that you "got over it" and reached out yourself? It's okay if you don't feel like sharing but it would really help me understand, thank you.

 

[Judge]

Judge, I was reading some of your posts on other thread and this one stood out to me:

When you "shutdown" in relationships was there any way to reach you? What would be the best way to reach out to you if someone wanted to? Was there ever a time that you "got over it" and reached out yourself? It's okay if you don't feel like sharing but it would really help me understand, thank you.

Much like a need for occasional solitude, my shutdowns happen along similar lines. It's always something I must deal with exclusively on my own. That it's not meant for anyone to "reach me" when it happens.

But then I'm usually talking about hours and rarely days.

 

[Plumeria]

I was reading another Aspie website and someone wrote this about breaking up that is in line with everyone here is saying:

"After thinking about it, the best I can come up with is the need to be free of the baffling complexity of the situation which I am fundamentally unequipped to deal with - it's an elegant, and empowering solution to an intractable problem.

Aspies can be a "bull in a china shop", hurting people left and right despite the best intentions - sometimes just withdrawing from the situation seems to be the best solution despite the personal sacrifice.

Kind of like "Edward Scissorhands"

I understand. It's easier to just remove yourself from the situation, it's easier for everyone involved. But its a shame when the person/people you've removed yourself from didn't want you to leave in the first place. Its sad when (its probable that) both you and the other person miss each other terribly and want to be together, yet you've decided (all on your own) that this is how it has to be… and am I to just accept it ?

 

[Judge]

"After thinking about it, the best I can come up with is the need to be free of the baffling complexity of the situation which I am fundamentally unequipped to deal with - it's an elegant, and empowering solution to an intractable problem.

Aspies can be a "bull in a china shop", hurting people left and right despite the best intentions - sometimes just withdrawing from the situation seems to be the best solution despite the personal sacrifice.

At times that would have described me to a "T". At least before I was aware of my own autism. It makes me very sad though. Utlimately I lost more than I gained in such instances.

I liken such a thing to a form of "panic attack". Where we may "bolt" even when it's not in our best interest to do so.

 

[adamindeltona]

The best I can come up with is the need to be free of the baffling complexity of the situation which I am fundamentally unequipped to deal with

This one sentence is just perfect. I really wish I had those words. This perfectly describes the constant never-ending crushing struggle to be at peace. No matter if it's a relationship or the taste one day of your favorite peanut butter. If it becomes "abrasive" then it must go.

It's why today I strive for a minimalist lifestyle free of "things" and stress. I am a modern hermit living in my cave insulated from the stress & complexity of human society.

And when it's that abrasive, whether it's people close to me or an annoying thing, it MUST be cast out. And a lot of times, regrettably, it wasn't handled with the tact and respect the situation deserved.